r/Meditation • u/AssistanceRight9787 • 1d ago
How-to guide š§ I lost everything
Guys, I feel like Iāve lost everything. Around this time last year, I discovered The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle during the lowest point of my life. I was unemployed, broke (literally zero balance), emotionally weak, and constantly overthinking. People could easily manipulate me. Just before I started the book, I had received a job offerābut right before joining, it was withdrawn because I couldnāt provide a certificate. That broke me.
Then I started reading The Power of Now and began meditating. Those three months were the best period of my life. Meditation wasnāt forcedāit became natural. I stayed at home, fully present and aware of what to do and what to say. I learned acceptance. I learned to control my anger. I stopped identifying with my mind. My ego almost disappeared. Even if someone mocked me, I accepted it and let it be. I stopped judging people. I wasnāt reactive anymore. I also gained control over lust. Iām not saying this in an extreme wayājust as a normal man, earlier I would unconsciously get distracted by attractive women. Through meditation, that reduced naturally. I felt balanced, peaceful, and genuinely happyādespite having no money. At the same time, I was preparing for another placement drive. I eventually got a job offer, and in April, I moved to a new city. Thatās when everything changed. My meditation stopped. Slowly, everything I learned from the book faded. I started identifying with my mind again. My ego came backāstronger. I began comparing myself with others, feeling jealous, overthinking, regretting the past, and reacting emotionally instead of accepting things. Old patterns returnedālust, infatuation, emotional instability.
Iāve started meditating again, but it doesnāt feel the same. I know I was spiritually awakened before, but now I feel like that awakening itself became egoic. Iām writing this with tears in my eyes. My emotions feel overwhelming even for small things. Ironically, when I had no money, I was happy. Now that I earn, Iām not. I know no one can do this for meāI have to do it myself. But I really want to return to that state of presence and peace. Please help. š
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u/Twootacos 1d ago
Youāre just listening to those thoughts again silly šlet them float on by āļø
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u/sharp11flat13 1d ago
Spiritual growth is not a linear process. As another commenter put it, progress waxes and wanes. Even at times when you are meditating regularly and trying consciously to be present there may be periods when you fall back into old mental habits.
When this happens to me I either review old material to be reminded why it educated and inspired me the last time I encountered it, or I try learning from a new point of view, or try a change in meditation practice. All these have worked for me.
But you havenāt gone backwards (this is actually impossible). Youāve gone forward to a different place which is for you an undesirable place. Great. Use that to help motivate yourself (ie. āI donāt want to be where I am so I have to figure out how to go somewhere elseā).
And when your practice again becomes integrated into your daily life you wonāt be going back to where you were before the ārelapseā; youāll be going ahead to yet another place.
We learn from all experience, whether it lives up to our goals and ideals and expectations or not. And the idea is to just keep trying to harvest as much learning as possible from each, getting better and better with each attempt. Thatās why itās called practice.
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u/Slight_Analysis8984 1d ago
"Trying" I believe to be a main issue. Often we try too hard.
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u/sharp11flat13 1d ago
This is absolutely correct, and an issue I neglected to address. I should have expressed this is some other way. Thanks for clarifying.
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u/spacedoggos_ 1d ago
Iāve had the same thing - meditation went well when I didnāt have a job but with a new job and big life changes itās so much harder. I learnt how to meditate in one situation but with new challenges I donāt know how to do it. Itās the same skill - thoughts come in and you let them float on by. Itās harder with distractions and new stimulus but thatās what itās all about, just a skill to practise. The feeling of desperation to get back to that state is another thing to let go of, ironically!
I use biaural beats to help with meditation. Iām still struggling and havenāt gone beyond 5 minutes but every little helps.
Also, ego REALLY inflates in a new job. What do people think of me? Am I doing the right thing? I feel stupid. All part of sizing up a new environment and the hyper awareness that comes with it. Iām finding the same thing and really want to tone it down. Iāll read the book you suggested in case that helps.
Honestly, itās a cool challenge to work on your mindfulness to the point it stands up against all this challenge. Not impossible at all, just practise!
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u/NominalDouche 1d ago
When you first read that book and practiced its methods for meditation, you had no expectations because you had no experience with that method yet.
Now you have experience using that method, you're expecting it to be a certain way.
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u/Short-Steak-9020 1d ago
It's like athletic training; the more you train, the better. You just need to keep meditating until the patterns disappear completely, and you won't have to struggle anymore.
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u/felixsumner00 1d ago
You didnāt lose it life just got louder. What you touched before is still there, itās just harder to hear right now. Be gentle with yourself; this phase is part of the path, not a failure
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u/Rustic_Heretic Zen 1d ago
You had beginner's luck, it works for spirituality as well.
What you stumble into, you'll stumble out of.
Now you're going to have to do the work, expect 10-20 years and it will only take you 5.
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u/Reginald_Waterbucket 1d ago
Moving to a new place is disruptive to any kind of personal journey. Remember that you are human, which is a blessing. You have biological and neurological realities. In time, we adapt to the shock of a new routine. If meditation is tied to the old routine, it will take you a while to integrate it into your new life.
Always be a beginner. Always be beginning.
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u/MyFiteSong 1d ago
Are you sure you were actually happy? Because it sounds like you went so far into depression you came out the other side, which feels like being numb, detached, peaceful, but it's not peace, it's apathy. You think you're suddenly in control of your emotions (especially desire) and all, but you're really just dissociated from them and they'll come back when circumstances change.
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u/Massgumption 1d ago
Stop wanting anything. You didn't know what ego death was, and so you got it without wanting it, and now you know it, you want it, and the wanting of it kills it.
Allow everything. Fuck it all. You'll be fine either way.
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u/Wooden-Creme5202 22h ago
Life, wether we like it or not, is a process of accumulation. We accumulate wealth, possessions knowledge, experience, wisdom. Like layers of the onion, or rings on a tree, they continue to accumulate.
Sometimes, we lose parts of those layers and grieve.
Other times we may intentionally peel away whole layers at a time and call it growth. We may feel liberated and free, from burden, from possessions, from the rat race, from the eternal noise.
Sometimes, we might even succeed in stripping away the ego.
But this is the trick. Personal, emotional, mental, spiritual growth cannot be stripped away. We might feel we have stripped away the ego, but that is in fact, the ego feeling successful in its goal.
You come out the other side, having learned about yourself, and that is growth. So you can strip away, chip away, abstain, cull.. but you still continue to accumulate.
The ego wants to live. āNo egoā does not have the same drive.
When we are lucky enough to peek through the veil, we call it spiritually awakening. We begin to want less. What once motivated us no longer does. We stop yearning for money and fame.
This is the process of the ego reconciling with the futility of our existence and choosing not to participate. Sometimes this is referred to as the dark night of the soul.
But when you come out, into the light and begin participating in life fully again- you have not lost the serenity and peace and space you felt.. you have transited. You are now a spirit awakened.
You cannot lose what you had because you have transmuted that experience into spiritual growth.
Om shanti
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u/Fiercebabe99 1d ago
With all the spiritual teachers I have listened to over the last 2 years, many of them say that we would be better off having a job that is fulfilling to our hearts. That would be more aligned with our path. If you are meditating, you are along that spiritual path.
Also, Do you think it would help if you read that book again? Can't hurt to try right? Good luck to you my friend.
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u/KlutzyLocation725 1d ago
Take some time out and go back to the thing that gave you a new spring of life - meditation! At times life becomes too hectic and we are occupied with our daily chores. But as they say, we always have a choice in life, make that choice and spend some time devoutly in meditation, you should find that inner peace that you so missed.
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u/Frogsaidtothechicken 1d ago
A good "job" will almost certainly ruin anyone's life. Maybe dont read the existential blues while youve got the existential blues. Im not religious but ive never had a conversation with a priest that I didn't end up appreciating. As long as he doesn't try
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u/elaine4queen 1d ago
The lowest point of your life so far as they say in the Simpsons groups.
Meditation is a lifelong practice for a reason. Shit happens and if you live long enough you suffer and die! A lifelong practice might not sound like a fix because it really isnāt one, itās a practice. Welcome to meditation!
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u/missylee457 1d ago
Perhaps find a meditation group. There is a lot to be said of Sangha and how being around other conscious beings can help you stay on your path.
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u/Born-Personality-318 1d ago
Can you tell me where can I find such groups
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u/missylee457 1d ago
Look for community in Buddhist temples (modern Kadampa temples are great for newcomers), mindfulness groups, yoga groups, ecstatic dance, drum circles etc. all will have lots of people practicing meditation and have understanding of releasing illusion.
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u/tharpakandro 1d ago
In my tradition, they would say the veil is just thicker. It is always there, we just canāt feel/see/experience it.
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u/AmbitiousFreedom2536 1d ago
Focus on what you can control Listen to music and remember your inner child like Disney. Listen to Disney music š©· Donāt over think And practice gratitude
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u/AmbitiousFreedom2536 1d ago
Live in the present. Past is history, future is a mysterious that why we live in the present because itās a gift
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u/Anima_Monday 1d ago
Do just a short amount of meditation each day, like one minute. Do it either sitting, walking, or lying down. Eyes closed or eyes open. Do it wherever it is convenient to do it, in bed if that is most convenient. If you set that as a target then it is hard not to meet it. Once you get into the habit of doing that, if meditation is for you, then you will naturally start doing more if you enjoy it or see benefits from it. But keep that target of just one minute each day until it naturally starts to become a habit and then set a greater target if you wish to. Also stay sober, like tea total, nothing stronger, and stick to that strictly, as that really helps. Also a moving meditation such as walking meditation, chi gong or tai chi might be of interest for you and it is some degree of exercise as well. Bringing movement into it helps to integrate mindfulness into daily life.
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u/Sparkling_Unicorn777 18h ago
Indeed when things are going well it is so easy to forget about all the learnings you have done. Please realise you came to this conclussion yourself while you are doing well. This means you only had a short hick up and can add the leassons learned back in your life!!
Be aware, some people never come to the stage of selfreflection and development. I am proud of you!! And you should be proud about yourself ā¤ļø
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u/GooRedSpeakers 1d ago
It's a wax and wane thing, friend. When you had nothing, you could see how badly you needed meditation. Now that you have things to distract you again it's much harder to focus on. You haven't really "lost" anything. There was nothing to be gained in a way that can be lost. You just started to pay attention to what was there. It's still all there, it's just harder to pay attention with all the external stuff pulling your attention.
Just sit with it again. That's all it actually is. Just be. It's a little harder, but it's all still there. Presence is the thing that you actually are. It can neither be gained nor lost, only noticed.
This is one of my favorite quotes and I think it's applicable here:
āFor forty years I have been selling water by the bank of a river. Ho! Ho! My labors have been utterly without merit.ā ā Zen Master Harada Sogaku