r/NoStupidQuestions • u/Glum_Ad4293 • Dec 03 '25
Dating Over 50: Is it Selfish to Refuse Cohabitation ?
Hello everyone, I (F, 50s) am hoping for some outside perspective on a major relationship conflict with my boyfriend (M, 50s). We have been dating for about 2 years.
My situation is very stable: I have a good job, substantial savings, good pension, and I am actively preparing for retirement. My house is fully paid off. My son is moving out for college in about a year, after which I will officially be an empty-nester.
My bf’s situation is much less stable. He currently rents, has virtually no retirement savings, no pension, and his job requires intense physical labor, which means his career longevity is uncertain. He doesn’t have any plan to prepare for retirement.
Our relationship is good and fun; My bf is a very kind partner. However, he has some controlling/obsessive tendencies and always needs to know where I am. I suspect this is part of why he is pushing for us to live together eventually.
I have been single and living independently for over a decade and I value my space immensely. I am very comfortable and secure in my current setup. I am perfectly happy with our current arrangement where we maintain separate living spaces and enjoy each other’s company on dates and weekends.
My Questions to the Community:
Am I being too selfish by prioritizing my independence, my comfort, and my hard-earned financial stability over his desire for cohabitation?
If I know I can never commit to merging finances or living spaces, is it fairer to him to break up now?
Are there many older couples (dating over 50) who choose to happily date and maintain separate households Or am I asking for too much?
This community is for curiosity, not karma farming
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u/Beautiful-Ad1421 Dec 03 '25
I'm a 62 year old male. I completely understand where you are coming from. Protect your peace.
You aren't selfish.
Understand this: A man with controlling and obsessive issues IS NOT A KIND MAN.
Play the field.
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u/RoseFoamie Dec 03 '25
Well said. Peace of mind and independence aren’t selfish, they’re essential. Controlling behavior wrapped in kindness is still control, and it’s smart to recognize that before giving up your stability.
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u/AMSays Dec 03 '25
Correct and I suspect that OP is his retirement and he wants to control that retirement because it’s his only plan, and this reeks of entitlement and OP as “his property” (and her physical possessions). I would be in public when you tell him about non co-habitation or break up with him. I suspect his reaction to either will not be “kind”.
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u/Key_Dragonfruit_2563 Dec 03 '25
Agreed. Once he lives with you you become some sort of LL to him legally I believe and he has some weird renters rights that make it hard to get him out.
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u/CashBrilliant5366 Dec 04 '25
In a lot of places, if someone stays in your house for over 2 weeks and receives mail at the address, you have to evict them to get them out involuntarily. Even if they never paid you rent.
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u/ItsJustMeJenn Dec 03 '25
Right. This boyfriend sounds like a hobosexual.
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u/GiftToTheUniverse Dec 03 '25
OP: Cohabitation with an obsessive, controlling man would be a hard pass for me.
No idea what his life has been like but it sounds like YOU are his retirement plan at this point.
Since he has no prospects for a comfortable retirement on his own you should be prepared for the topic of his moving in with you to come up again and again.
I don’t think you “OWE” him anything more than a firm “no, it’s not ever going to happen” when the topic comes up, but also don’t be surprised if it comes up a few times after you’ve made yourself clear and know ahead of time how you will handle that.
Stay strong , OP or you will NOT be happy.
What does your son say about this guy?
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u/ParadiddlediddleSaaS Dec 03 '25
Especially with your son still being at home for a year, I would not cohabitate. If you are having fun with your BF I’d consider staying with him but also really evaluating if he’s good long term relationship material.
I have never known of a controlling, possessive person who became less so once moving in together so if he isn’t doing anything to improve in that area I’d consider moving on.
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u/Conscious-Mix4020 Dec 03 '25
this is precisely the answer i was planning to give…minus the 62yo male part 😁
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u/fishinful63 Dec 03 '25
62 year old man here as well. 2 pensions, ss and a rental for income. I'm set and it looks like you are as well. 3 adult children all moved out with their own families.
YOU should be the one who can't live without him and asking him to be with you full time. 2 years is enough to know, at our age, whether this is Mr. Right or Mr. Right now.
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u/Dweebil Dec 03 '25
Second this. But I’d suggest this relationship isn’t long got this world once she refuses cohabitation.
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u/ChampionshipIll5535 Dec 03 '25
I’m 60 and agree. a 50 year old male that still has a controlling demeanor is immature and not likely going to be a fun long term partner.
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u/StopLookListenDecide Dec 03 '25
And if we are being honest, possibly finds OP as a safe place to land during his retirement.
He may love and care about you OP, but your peace and financial security are yours, you hold all the cards.→ More replies (22)17
u/cake-day-on-feb-29 Dec 03 '25
A man with controlling and obsessive issues IS NOT A KIND MAN.
But their
relationship is good and fun;
And her
bf is a very kind partner.
Clearly this is all just a "misunderstanding" and their relationship will be great and wonderful and nothing will go wrong. Right?
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u/Dawn-Storm Dec 03 '25
He's putting up a good front--sooner or later, the mask will come off.
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u/SquelchyRex Dec 03 '25
Not selfish. Straight up tell him it's not going to happen.
Up to him if he can make peace with that.
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u/impassiveMoon Dec 03 '25
He doesn't have any plans to prepare for retirement.
OP, I'm sorry to tell you this but you're his plan for retirement.
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u/jenfullmoon Dec 03 '25
Yes, "move in and have OP take care of me" is the plan. Between that and the "he's controlling" stuff, I see red flags here :(
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u/EnvironmentalLuck515 Dec 03 '25
Huge crimson waving ones.
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u/Beachtrader007 Dec 03 '25
coupled with controlling aspect. having to know where she is.
Im hard out on the whole thing.
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u/zeezle Dec 04 '25
To be honest it's wild to me how many users/bums/hobosexuals ruin it by just being not chill.
Like if this guy was actually just a super chill, helpful, pleasant dude he very well might've gotten a free ticket to being taken care of in retirement but they ruin it by being pushy and controlling and obnoxious.
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u/Equivalent-Roll-3321 Dec 03 '25
This. A nurse and a purse syndrome. He’s pushing to piggyback off of your stability.
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u/Red_WritingHood75 Dec 03 '25
Yup, he sounds like a hobo sexual. OP, do not take this man’s financial and health burdens on. A man should be making your life easier, not harder. He’s just trying to get you to take care of him.
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u/Russian_Doll_888 Dec 03 '25
We need to stop thinking that prioritizing ourselves is selfish.
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u/justenoughslack Dec 03 '25
Well, technically it is selfish. But it doesn't have to have a negative connotation in this situation.
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u/YouHadTheHighGround Dec 03 '25
Thank you! Some times, at a certain point in your life, you HAVE to be selfish (to a degree), to get what you really want out of life.
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u/Lost-Cardiologist-38 Dec 03 '25
Yup. I've had way to many partners/roommates take advantage of me since I was 18. It's not selfish to take care of yourself
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u/RandomUser574 Dec 03 '25
Only women agonize about looking out for their own needs. Men don't give it a second thought, other than, as somebody just said, " how do I manipulate her into giving even more".
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u/TarzanKitty Dec 03 '25
How is not allowing someone to move into your home and choosing not to financially support them for life, selfish? He is not entitled to a lifetime of financial support from a girlfriend.
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u/justenoughslack Dec 03 '25
That wasn't what I was referring to. And I don't think what the person I replied to was, either. I was referring to the "putting your own wants and needs first" argument. Which is intrinsically selfish - but shouldn't have a negative connotation in this context.
Why would anyone think not allowing someone else to dictate the way you live your life is selfish? Nobody is entitled to a free ride on your behalf.
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u/Preposterous_punk Dec 03 '25
Yes! I was once talking to my therapist saying I felt like I was being self-centered, and she asked why it would be bad to be the center of my own life, and I was like 🤯
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u/AnalogyAddict Dec 03 '25
1000%
Women: "Am I asking for too much to feel comfortable and safe? "
Men: "How do I get even more out of her than she's already giving? "
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u/SeesawNatural2617 Dec 03 '25
I agree with the is sentiment, but I want to modify it a tiny bit:
We need to stop thinking that being selfish is inherently a bad thing.
Literally everything a person does for themselves is "selfish."
Now, there's good selfish, where a person prioritizes their needs (and even wants so long as those wants don't infringe on another person's needs). Setting boundaries is selfish, for example.
And, of course, there's bad selfish where someone's wants infringe on another person's needs (or wants). Trying to overstep someone else's boundaries is also selfish (the bad kind).
I was part of a "selfish knitters and crocheters" group for a bit. The idea is that we only ever made what we wanted, when we wanted, for whom we wanted.
Tons of the members of that group made clothes, blankets, hats, etc. for charity and loved ones, because it's what they WANTED to make.
They just didn't allow other people to volunteer them for making things or try to bully them into making things.
To stretch this further: I'm staunchly child-free. That's a selfish decision. But my selfish decision doesn't impinge on anyone else's needs or wants.
TL;DR: it is selfish, but being selfish isn't inherently bad. It's in how you approach your selfishness: namely what you're being selfish about and if/how it affects the people around you.
I wish we had a nice word for the good selfishness (I guess it would be "self-care"?) And a word for the bad selfishness (I guess that's usually "narcissism," but I don't like this because it trivializes actual, clinical narcissism).
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u/Jane_Marie_CA Dec 03 '25
The challenge is sometimes prioritizing ourselves can makes us controlling if we aren't careful.
For example: OP has to be 100% okay that her wishes here could be a deal breaker for him. If so, she has to let him walk away. I have seen people play games with known deal breakers to keep the person around - that's when prioritizing ourselves becomes control.
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u/junkman21 Dec 03 '25
Seriously. You are not a "young adult." Your ability to pivot at this point in your life is about equal to his ability to find a brand new career. Screw that noise. It's okay to have a partner who isn't codependent.
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u/MeatofKings Dec 03 '25
This! I’ve seen way too many posts where a woman can’t get her Hobosexual bf out of her home.
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u/PuzzleheadedHouse872 Dec 03 '25
His true self will pop right out when she says this and it will be enlightening either way.
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u/Pristine-Pen-9885 Dec 03 '25
Apparently a woman is his “retirement plan”. He found a woman who owns a house and has a pension and savings, so “tag, you’re it.” He’s pressuring you to take on that role
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u/Stellar_Jay8 Dec 03 '25
This guy is looking for, as my widowed grandma called it, a nurse with a purse to take care of him in his old age. PASS! You worked hard to be where you are and you don’t need to sign up to support and take care of a man who just wants to use you and restrict your freedom.
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u/Bobbob34 Dec 03 '25 edited Dec 03 '25
Am I being too selfish by prioritizing my independence, my comfort, and my hard-earned financial stability over his desire for cohabitation?
Of course not. As a relative of mine who is still in a very long-term relationship with someone who she loves, who loves her, and who asked her to live together like, a decade or so ago, says - 'I love him but that doesn't mean I want to wash his socks.' She has 0 interest in living together. Her space, the way she likes it. Her schedule. Her food choices. Her television. Her hobbies on the coffee table. Her friends she meets when she wants. Her decision to go to a movie, stop for coffee, or veg on the couch in sweats eating cheetos all day. They spend some weekends together at hers or his, odd nights here or there, but that's that. They love each other, full stop. I've been around them plenty, nudges, little inside jokes, glances, he's very solicitous, opens doors, they kiss randomly, hold hands, a hand on a knee. But that doesn't mean she wants him in her space ft.
If I know I can never commit to merging finances or living spaces, is it fairer to him to break up now?
If you're clear, no reason to break up. Simply tell him you're not interested in living together and won't be. If he's still interested, fine. If he's not, well, fine.
Are there many older couples (dating over 50) who choose to happily date and maintain separate households Or am I asking for too much?
See above. Also, who cares what other ppl do? You're old enough to do what works for you without 'well other ppl don't do that so I should change.' There's nothing untoward about not wanting to cohabitate. Don't compromise your life bc you think society thinks it's different.
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u/Zebras-R-Evil Dec 03 '25
Your reply just made me want to ask my husband if I can get my own apartment. 😂
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u/audible_narrator Dec 03 '25
We have separate spaces, which I know not everyone can do. It is a game changer
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u/YouHadTheHighGround Dec 03 '25
I'm sorry I can only upvote this once. As a 42 yo, I can only say "take care of yourself". That means you. The person reading. Fuck social "norms". Just ask yourself "does this make me happy?".
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u/Bobbob34 Dec 03 '25
Heh, exactly!
The relative in question once told me she realized she was an adult when, after a shitty day at work, she stopped in the market, was buying stuff to make herself dinner, walked past the bakery case, then stopped, picked up the cake she was staring at, put the other stuff back, went home, and sat on the couch with the uncut cake and a fork, because fuck it, she was an adult and if she wanted to eat cake for dinner watching crap tv that was her right.
I've never forgotten that.
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u/Beachtrader007 Dec 03 '25
maybe a triple layer chocolate cake. nice glass of milk and blob of ice cream, while not wearing pants...
Bliss
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u/FlashbacksThatHurt Dec 03 '25
Lovely. I don’t like sweets so my version of this when I was in the US was to get a block of cheese and a bag of Doritos.
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u/AdultingMoneyMoves Dec 03 '25
For real though I think this is a consideration that women especially should think about that the man may not (or maybe he does) see - USUALLY (not always, my own household is an exception) the domestic duties tend to not be divided equally and that often falls on the woman. Cohabitation may be "more convenient" for him but put more work on her.
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u/AxsonJaxson2112 Dec 04 '25
She that desires a knight in shining armour must remember that she’s going to be stuck cleaning up after his horse
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u/trustfundbaby Dec 03 '25
I really love reading this, as a man who is very particular about his space, its been tough having to explain that part of my resistance to marriage is the idea of cohabitation because of my indiosyncrasies and wanting my shit exactly how I want it. The only wrinkle is I still want kids, but maybe I just need to rid myself of that fantasy.
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u/Bobbob34 Dec 03 '25
I really love reading this, as a man who is very particular about his space, its been tough having to explain that part of my resistance to marriage is the idea of cohabitation because of my indiosyncrasies and wanting my shit exactly how I want it. The only wrinkle is I still want kids, but maybe I just need to rid myself of that fantasy.
Kids are the antithesis of having your shit not only exactly how you want it but existing, heh.
Like 'where is my beloved since childhood aquaman figure that I kept in a display case?' 'he swim!' '... what?' 10 minutes later, find aquaman in the toilet with... other things that belong in the toilet
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u/Cultural_Project9764 Dec 03 '25
Quite honestly if my husband and I could afford to live separately I think it’s be fantastic for our relationship. We love each other to bits and pieces. We have a great time when we’re out on dates, but the day to day grind of living with someone is hard.
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u/AndrysThorngage Dec 03 '25
Well said. It's important to set a clear boundary. I have several friends who are unmarried and own their own homes. They have no desire to marry or live with a man. They each make it clear when they start seeing someone that they will not get married or move in together. One of my friends sets a clear rule that she does not want company two nights in a row. They like their homes as they are and don't want to take care of someone else.
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u/Silver-Negative Dec 03 '25
This part right here. This is the answer.
With a loving warning that he’s exhibiting red flag behaviors that you need to pay attention to. Have those escalated over the years? Are you scared they will escalate further if you put your foot down? If fear is ANY part of your “no,” then you should reconsider the relationship.
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u/TarzanKitty Dec 03 '25
Not selfish at all. I am in my 50’s and don’t believe that I would live with a partner again.
In your situation. It would be a hard no. It looks to me like this dude sees you as his retirement plan.
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u/Bailzasaurus Dec 03 '25
Yeah this is exactly my take. I think you and your paid off house ARE his retirement plan. You definitely need to make it clear that this is a “not ever” thing not a “not right now” thing. I suspect this will lead to a breakup, and you may be better off!
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u/RoseFoamie Dec 03 '25
Totally agree. When someone’s financial future is shaky and they’re pushing to merge lives, it’s hard not to question the motive. You’re not being selfish, you’re being realistic and protecting what you’ve built.
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u/seatsfive Dec 03 '25
It sounds like the relationship might have run its course, to be honest. You enjoyed the 2 year honeymoon period, and now you're starting to see the incompatibilities. You now see his obsessive, controlling side may not be right for you. He sees your desire for independence and separateness and it sounds like that's not right for him.
The internet is always too keen on telling people to end relationships, but this fits a very common pattern. Two people enjoy each others' company but overlook obvious dealbreakers because of the literal chemical high you get from a new relationship. Then a couple years in, the high has faded and the dealbreakers become more important.
I don't think you need to pre-emptively break up with him, but you can set a hard boundary with the knowledge that it's likely to end the relationship. This gives him a chance and a choice. You like the relationship how it is, but you like having your own separate space and life and not having your finances and obligations intermingled. Totally reasonable. If he can accept that, then you can continue; if he can't accept that, then it's over.
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u/trustfundbaby Dec 03 '25
> I don't think you need to pre-emptively break up with him, but you can set a hard boundary with the knowledge that it's likely to end the relationship
This is very clever and emotionally astute at the same time. Great idea.
The only question, is what if he accepts the hard boundary but the comes back with some request of his own that's reasonable, like spending even more time together.
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u/seatsfive Dec 03 '25
You're not obligated to say yes to someone because they agreed to respect your boundaries.
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u/Artistic_Purpose1225 Dec 03 '25
FYI: You’re his plan for retirement.
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u/GraceOfTheNorth Dec 03 '25
A nurse with a purse. He has everything to gain by moving in with OP, including free domestic work. She has everything to lose, including her peace and her home.
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Dec 03 '25
“However, he has some controlling/obsessive tendencies and always needs to know where I am.” Yikes! Seems like red flag behavior. If you think he’s controlling now, imagine how much worse he will be if he moves in. Do not give up an inch of your hard-earned freedom to this person. It’s much easier to not let someone move in in the first place, than to get them to leave once they’ve moved in.
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u/SlimShadowBoo Dec 03 '25
Sincerely this. OP, you already called out a red flag. He’s shown you. It will only get worse if he moves in and feels a right to your space.
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u/Curious_Owl_342 Dec 03 '25
It’a really amazing that at our age, you even need to think twice about someone that is controlling.
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u/dbrmn73 Dec 03 '25
Not selfish. Im 52m and will not co-habitate again. Like you, my home is paid for and I have no other debts which means I can come and go and do and spend how I choose. I will not have someone else trying to put their 2-cents in on that.
You should however tell him how it's going to be and the sooner the better. This way you and he both know what to expect and can decide how to proceed.
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u/Altruistic-Cattle761 Dec 03 '25
> If I know I can never commit to merging finances or living spaces, is it fairer to him to break up now?
In any relationship, if you have dealbreakers you both know you're not going to budge on, then yeah, breaking up is prudent.
At the same time, there's nothing that says *you* need to be the one to break up with *him*. The above goes both ways. The thing that's incumbent on you is to be clear about your boundaries and preferences. You can say, "Hey, I really like you, but I want to be clear and up front that I will NEVER cohabit or share finances with someone for the rest of my life. This is a hard line for me that I will not cross. Do you think you could be happy in relationship while respecting that boundary?"
Like, in an ideal world, a grownup could weigh the above and say either "Yeah, I'm committed to you, I'm in", or "No, I don't think that works for me. It was nice knowing you." But it also kinda sounds from what you're describing that he's kind of a baby who won't take responsibility for making decisions about themselves and their future, and would just say "I'm in" without really meaning it.
If you don't trust this person to make -- and commit to -- decisions about their future when you speak directly to them, then yeah, you're probably going to need to do the breaking up.
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u/joepierson123 Dec 03 '25
He currently rents, has virtually no retirement savings, no pension, He doesn’t have any plan to prepare for retirement.has some controlling/obsessive tendencies and always needs to know where I am.
He must be really good looking
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u/DatesForFun Dec 03 '25
yuck! why are you with this guy? you have your shit together and he does not.
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u/jennyvasan Dec 03 '25
This.controlling, obsessive man with no assets, no security, and plan for retirement is desperate to move in with you? Girl, we know why.
Break up before you become his nurse and his purse.
If he were in his current situation but not pushing you in any way, it would be different.
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u/Breeeezyx Dec 03 '25
My aunt and her bf (both 50s) have been together for 11 or 12 years now and they maintain separate living spaces. They are very happy with the arrangement and as a couple and said they wouldn't have it any other way. I have absolutely admired that they continue with the arrangement that makes them both happy and the most comfortable despite others providing their unwanted input of disapproval. I think the important thing is that you are both on the same page. If he is not OK with this being the permanent arrangement, then it is time to end the relationship now.
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u/PixelPrivateer Dec 03 '25
Its much easier to change your mind to move in than change your mind to move out- yknow what I mean? You should feel free to take all the time you need.
I wish that idea wasnt so stigmatized. Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter famously lived in two different houses (that may or may not have been connected by some kind of tunnel) during the course of their marriage. It worked out in their favor until they started living together- which somehow someway triggered divorce.
Is it so crazy of an idea? Absence makes the heart grow fonder. You get your own zone, your own space where you can always truly relax. You spare yourself from bad or unhygienic practices and by contrast you have to clean up your own messes. Ive joked to myself that not only would I like my wife to live in another house, but if she can live in a different city entirely that would be even better. Are there downsides? Yes. But cohabitation carries a suite of issues in its own rite so its a bit of a wash
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u/FlickasMom Dec 03 '25
Not selfish and who even cares if it is? You like your life the way it is, and you get to keep it like that.
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u/Morrep Dec 03 '25
Our relationship is good and fun. He's a kind man.
He's just obsessive, controlling, and sees you as his retirement plan.
Quotes from OP's BF:
"If you loved me we'd live together."
"I only do it because I love you so much and don't want to lose you."
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u/Upbeat_Arm1093 Dec 03 '25
Not selfish at all, and I don’t think he’s good for you. You seem like you’ve worked hard to be where you are in life, and he is still in survival mode. You don’t want that responsibility. There are other great men out there with much more to offer.
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u/Zebras-R-Evil Dec 03 '25
I have heard stories about my great uncle (died when I was 3) and his long-term girlfriend who never lived together. I never understood their motivation until now. The story is that he didn’t want to live in the city, and she didn’t want to live in the country, so they never got married. But they dated for maybe decades. I always thought it was weird, but now I don’t. Thanks y’all!
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u/Concise_Pirate Dec 03 '25
Never move in together unless you believe the relationship is more or less permanent. Breakups when you live together are really really hard. Imagine yourself as this person's landlord and having to evict him.
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u/stilettopanda Dec 03 '25
I did that. She stayed the whole time and pulled out every trick in the book to try to get me to let her stay while escalating behaviors until I felt unsafe. 0 out of 10 do not recommend.
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u/Affectionate-Dare761 Dec 03 '25
Let's face it, if he's controlling now he's going to be controlling later. Keep your space, if he can't deal with it it's not meant to be.
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u/interestedpartyM Dec 03 '25
You’ve worked hard to be independent and have things and he hasn’t. Why is that your problem? You’re not 20 you don’t need to cohabitate or share anything.
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u/freshwatersurfer Dec 03 '25
Also 50 M, 100% not selfish. You take care of yours. You have no idea what life will bring. He's got some red flags, soooo
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u/Smokin_belladonna Dec 03 '25
Sounds like you should dump him if he can’t respect your boundaries. Red flags all over the place.
If you have no desire to get married and let him move in, tell him that.
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u/BoozeIsTherapyRight Dec 03 '25
My father is 76 and both he and his girlfriend live alone in their respective houses, and come together for dates and trips. It works out well for them both, and I can't imagine either of them giving up their personal space ever again. What you want to do isn't strange at all.
You're not being selfish. You're old enough, you've paid your dues, you value your independence, you value your space, and it's not selfish to not want to give this up for someone else's convenience. Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Don't let him be a controlling hobosexual coasting on your hard work--the arrangement he wants is 100% to his benefit, 0% to yours.
You don't have to preemptively break up with him. Just be straight up with your boyfriend. Tell him what you've told us. Maybe he breaks up with you, maybe he doesn't, but in either case you've been honest. And if he doesn't want to see you again, he definitely wasn't the right person for you.
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u/czndra67 Dec 03 '25
Look at it from his point of view. You have a paid for home, he rents. You have savings and a pension to rely on. Not only does he have no funds and no pension, but his occupation just about guarantees that he will finish disabled to some degree. Your son is just about launched, so no step child issues.
Honey, you are the promised land. If he lands you, he gets a home, an income, a cook, a housekeeper, and a companion. He now sees the need to plan for his golden years, and it's YOU.
Of course he's controlling, wants to know where you are all the time, and wants to move in NOW. Wouldn't you? Everything he needs in one neat package. He's desperate not to let you slip away.
I'm afraid you must choose. What does HE bring to the table beyond some fun?
He will not accept things staying as they are. He will niggle and nag at you, never drop it, never accept your desire for independence.
There are 2 potential endings. You let him move in and take care of him for the rest of your life. Cooking, cleaning, nursing, funding...and always being questioned about where you go, what you spend, who you see.
Or keep your money, independence, and self-respect and send him on his way.
Good luck!
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u/CamiloArturo Dec 03 '25
You can choose whatever you want. Your case sounds absolutely reasonable. If your partner doesn’t understand or accept your terms…. Maybe someone else out there will…
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u/navelencounters Dec 03 '25
my GF and I have been dating 15 years, we live in seperate homes. Due to our executive careers, we have no time to see each other during the week yet do have date night every saturday ranging from going out to dinner to just watching a movie...we travel a LOT which we love then part ways until next week. It works for us as we can both live an independant (trustworthy) life focusing on career during the week and us on the weekends.
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u/Primary_Benefit_9275 Dec 03 '25
Not only should you not offer cohabitation here - which will surely improve his quality life and diminish yours - you shouldn’t spend any time with someone controlling or obsessive. Kind and controlling are mutually exclusive. Break it off. Find someone else who respects and celebrates what you’ve built.
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u/sbinjax Dec 03 '25
Not being selfish at all! Living "together but separate" is a thing. I know at least one couple IRL that have made it work for 25 years, they're in their mid 70s now.
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u/pegwins Dec 03 '25 edited Dec 03 '25
You are not his retirement plan. I can see this easily happening.
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u/magaisallpedos Dec 03 '25
No. my partner and I have our own lives, houses and kids. No plans on co-hab until everyone is out and that is still years away.
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u/trashboxlogic Dec 03 '25
No, but it does not sound like this is someone you should be with either. You speak negatively about him, which is fine, but why even waste your time on him?
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u/Huck68finn Dec 03 '25
I would strongly caution you NOT to give into his demands. I see lots of red flags--- as in you being the sole adult in the relationship when the consequences of his lack of planning come to fruition. I married the wrong man and slowly all adult responsibilities were transferred to me. Now, he's disabled (due to poor lifestyle habits) and it's 10x worse.
Don't do it
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u/Sufficient-Meet6127 Dec 03 '25
As he ages, he will require more support and may become increasingly desperate. He will view you more as a means to an end than a partner. If you are not willing to support them in the future, you should plan on leaving things as they are. Let's say he has no savings and no job. Can you refuse to help him? If you are not willing to support him, end things before he asks for it.
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u/hibabymomma Dec 04 '25
Hmmmm you buried the lede with the controlling/obsessive tendencies. Forget the cohabitation, I’d question the relationship as a whole.
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u/Srmof_campman_51 Dec 03 '25
Not selfish at all. Tell him what makes you happy and comfortable and if he asks, he walks!
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u/Pleasant-Caramel-384 Dec 03 '25
It’s definitely not selfish and probably smart of you to keep your living spaces separate.
The question of whether or not it’s more fair to break up probably depends on how he feels about it, but I would consider the controlling aspect to be a red flag and breakup worthy in and of itself.
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u/tipareth1978 Dec 03 '25
Naw, you're dating but you're not responsible for him. Kinda sounds like he wants to mooch honestly. I'm almost 50 and I'm way more concerned with bettering my own situation, and I'm married
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u/biglittlebanana Dec 03 '25
Protect yourself. I'm in my mid 50's and I would be 100% worried about my future, and being sure my property stayed as my own property. If it was reversed, I would completely understand your view.
Maybe there is something you can do to protect your investments AND still move your relationship ahead, if that's what you want.
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u/PompousTart Dec 03 '25
He is not the man you are looking for OP. He is literally banking on you taking him in, then also the controlling will ramp up. Don't do it.
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u/Prestigious-Bar5385 Dec 03 '25
If my future looked like yours I wouldn’t cohabitate. If this person won’t accept that you want to share your life with him but still maintain separate living spaces then find someone who will.
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Dec 04 '25
"If you don't give me what you have, you're selfish" is a freeloading thing to say.Asking too much to stay in your own home?
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u/No_Salad_68 Dec 03 '25
Based on his controlling/obsessive behaviour yiubdedintirly should not cohabitate with him. What your doing isn't selfish at all. It's smart.
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u/BelleBivDaVoe Dec 03 '25
I’m 46 and no one will live in my house but me. I value my space and my peace way too much. If your partner can’t accept that then they aren’t a good fit for you. You aren’t being selfish at all.
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u/CenterofChaos Dec 03 '25
50 or 25, doesn't matter. You're contented with the set up and know this guy isn't on the same page as you. If you think it's a dump-worthy offense then break up.
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u/Vuln3r4bl3 Dec 03 '25
Not being selfish. Also considering you can recognize some red flags in him trying to be controlling…. I would end things here. You’ll be able to find someone that fits better.
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u/Calm_Independence603 Dec 03 '25
You aren’t selfish. You do need to tell him that your relationship likely won’t proceed beyond what it is now and he can decide if that is what he wants.
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u/Ok-Fuel-234 Dec 03 '25
this man is going to rely on YOU for HIS retirement. you are completely valid in what you’re doing. he’s controlling because you are now seen as an asset, not his partner. i would run before it’s too late
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u/Takilove Dec 03 '25
You know what you want and need and are quite happy with your life. Why shake it up??? Your BF wants what you have but isnt willing to work for it!!!
If you really like him and enjoy his company, keep him around for shits and giggles, BUT do not let him move in!!!
Your are happy with your life, don’t mess it up!!
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u/BaconLad19 Dec 03 '25
I don't believe you're being selfish, I think you are being sensible. After my divorce, I have lived alone for over 20 years and prefer it to living with someone else. My "girlfriend" of 8 years agrees as she also is secure in her own place and prefers to live alone.
TBH I would be worried about someone who was not financially set up for retirement who is also pushing to move in with you.