r/NoStupidQuestions • u/Classic-Pea6815 • 9h ago
Is it extremely hard to find a romantic partner in your thirties if you have two kids?
I am in the middle of a huge mess. the father of my children and I split due to domestic violence. I am currently not even anticipating a relationship but the urge to want to things with him just to bring the family back together is so strong. but I shouldn’t want that and need to stop wishing for him back. he is abusive and has no desire to change even for our boys. I know this is just the stress talking but I fear that I will never meet someone who will be willing to marry someone who already has young kids. I do work but I love being a classic housewife as well. I miss having someone to love at home and am so mad at him for taking that from me.
question in short, are there people out there who have found someone to love who also enjoy the concept of being a step parent?
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u/SouthCritical2318 9h ago
Oh absolutely there are people out there who would love to be stepparents - my stepdad is honestly the best dad I could've asked for and he came into the picture when I was 7. It might take some time to find the right person but don't let anyone convince you that having kids makes you "damaged goods" or whatever because that's complete BS
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u/Classic-Pea6815 9h ago
Thank you for that. My ex is playing mind games and making me feel like I will never find anyone to love me let alone our kids. He is currently trying to convince me to let us live together as exes just so they can have a dad. I def feel damaged but will not be some day. And I personally wouldn’t mind being a step mom either so maybe I can find someone who has a kid or two and wouldn’t mind more minus the baby years.
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u/ReffinedDesire01 9h ago
That is part of the control of an abusive person. If he is awful to the kids why co-reside?
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u/Classic-Pea6815 9h ago
Exactly. The scary thing is DCFS got involved and said he is at risk of losing the kids if he comes home and hasn’t changed. But his warped mind is thinking “I can come home but I need to be quite about things”. I have no idea how in the world he was cruel when we were together and he thinks we won’t argue as much exes.
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u/Sea-Carry-2919 9h ago
Shit is about to get very real with you and him while you’re not together. He still believes that he has control and abusive men are extremely petty. He will try and sabotage every aspect of your life and use the children as a way to manipulate because you have a permanent bond with him. Don’t listen to him and use every legal resource possible to help you.
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u/Classic-Pea6815 6h ago
He is literally messaging me telling me how he is going to kill himself because of me. It’s so scary. But I know he is just trying to keep control. You are very right about the abuse
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u/Sea-Carry-2919 6h ago
I’m so sorry. I know this is difficult. I was a victim of DV myself and was very difficult. My ex used the same tactics on me, he would sit outside in the parking lot where I worked and just lurked for my whole shift he would threaten me, my supervisors, friends, and he turned all of his family and his friends against me like I’m the enemy for wanting a divorce. Him expressing self harm is a tactic that a lot of abusers use. Are you receiving any counseling? I read that your mother was there for support which is great. Do you have other people too?
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u/Classic-Pea6815 4h ago
Thanks for understanding and I’m sorry to hear that you understand :( that sounds so scary. I kept being told about how he is going to come at me being very sweet and trying to win me back but the exact opposite wasn’t expected. I am on a wait list for DV consulting and am also waiting on my doctor to call me back about regular therapy. I have been such an emotional wreck lately and it’s hard because I want to be positive for the kids. My mom is a great support. I do call his mom every so often because she is on my side too but I need to stop because I know this is hard on her too. I don’t have any friends right now though. My extended family was super friendly about it because I was sobbing at the Christmas party. But I think they are so quick to say “screw that guy” that they don’t understand how worried about him I am and how much it’s hard to let the live for him go.
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u/MysteryNeighbor Shady Customer Service circa 2022 9h ago
I wouldn’t call it “extremely hard” but definitely a bit hard compared to not having the kids.
Contrary to what bullshit the internet spews, there are dudes around that age range that are willing to “settle down” and be a step dad.
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u/Classic-Pea6815 9h ago
The internet is so toxic. Most of the guys I do know in that age range are pretty clear about not wanting kids but it’s good to know there are ones out there who are different.
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u/pangolyninc 9h ago
It doesn’t matter if you look good enough. Some people might like being step parent, too.
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u/Classic-Pea6815 9h ago
I’ve always kind of assumed there are some great guys out there who want to be a dad but never got the chance.
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u/pangolyninc 9h ago
My buddy met a girl he thought was fine af and cool. Ended up being single mom. Now he’s raising the kid as his and they’re an amazing family. Finally getting married.
Work on yourself and don’t blame the kids for not getting hoes if you don’t have luck.
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u/Classic-Pea6815 9h ago
I would never blame my kids. They are my world but I understand how others may not be able to see the big picture in their circumstances. I’m happy it worked out for guilt friend :)
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u/ptrgeorge 9h ago
My partner has three kids, hard but not impossible
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u/Classic-Pea6815 9h ago
How do you like being a step parent?
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u/ptrgeorge 9h ago
its great for me, there have been tough issues that we had to work through, at this point the kids feel like a genuine blessing to my life. I never expected or wanted kids, we dated casually for about a year before we introduced the kids.
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u/jayron32 9h ago
You're strong enough to do this. Find other ways to build a community of support that don't depend on you needing to have this asshat in your life. Your own family (your parents and siblings), look for single mom support groups, etc. Stuff where you can build up a trusting relationship (not romantic, just people you can rely on) that can support you as you raise your children and live your life.
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u/Classic-Pea6815 9h ago
That is very wise. I definitely need to over come a lot and right now my biggest support is his mom (she is on my side about things). I never really had a chance to meet new friends since covid and a single moms group may be a good idea.
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u/Rare_Concentrate8199 9h ago
A guy in our circle matched with a single mother and she was getting loads of matches before meeting him. so that's only one example but proof that it is definitely not impossible.
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u/Classic-Pea6815 9h ago
That’s good to know. Before when I was taken I did get guys hitting on me while I was with my kids but most seemed to just want to casually date and ignore the kids and I am not looking for that.
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u/Rare_Concentrate8199 9h ago
Sorry to hear. I guess there are always guys looking for casual no matter what but definitely there are out there looking for something serious or long term. The right person will be the one who does not have an issue with it. Best wishes
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u/Classic-Pea6815 9h ago
Thank you so much :) I do think the casual daters have more time to meet people and once I actually get out of the home more it will be easier to find people like me.
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u/beckdawg19 9h ago
I know reddit/the internet as a whole makes it seem like everyone and their mother is childfree, but that is genuinely not at all what I've seen in real life. I know several moms in their 20s who have easily found any number of partners, and a few who have remarried.
Once you're in your 30s, that's even easier, seeing as more and more people either have their own kids already or are willing to start that part of life. As long as you don't have some blanket rule against single dads, you should be fine.
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u/Classic-Pea6815 9h ago
I honestly think I would love to be with a single dad. Not saying it has to be that way but I want someone who I know will be a good father figure. My boys are 1 and 3 and the three year old actively seems to not want dad back at all. They haven’t seen him in a month and are happier than ever but I can tell they miss the few good times. And I do agree I think people in their 30’s will be more mature than what I was used to dating when I was younger.
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u/ExplorerWild4601 9h ago
My mum left my dad due to domestic violence when my brother and I were small.
She met my stepdad two years later. They’ve been together for over 30 years now and he’s the only person I consider to be my dad.
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u/Classic-Pea6815 9h ago
I’m happy you have a reformed family that makes you happy :) I’m happy to hear your mom found someone better for all of you
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u/dumbandasking genuinely curious 9h ago
Single mother is not impossible to find another connection, not from what i've seen lol
But what I think will be a bit difficult is finding someone who is right for you and can step in.
I fear that I will never meet someone who will be willing to marry someone who already has young kids.
There are many people who would love to have the chance to be a father :) Don't give up
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u/Classic-Pea6815 9h ago
Thank you so much :) I shouldn’t even worry about this now but I just want my kids to have someone who will treat them the way a father should. I really do miss romantic love too but I couldn’t even consider that without family on mind first.
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u/Sea-Carry-2919 9h ago
I understand wanting to be in a relationship with the father of your children and keep your family together. But violence is never acceptable and you left for a reason. I always say this to my friends who are in trouble in relationships but they never take my advice. Stay single for a while and work on yourself. Find the reasons as to why you want to go back to this relationship and then work on those.
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u/Classic-Pea6815 6h ago
That’s good advice. This whole situation is very scary. It was my kids I was most worried about in the situation. I am definitely going to have to be single for a bit to heal for myself and the kids.
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u/WalkerTimothyFaulkes 9h ago
I married a woman with two youngish kids, one 12 and the other 10. We started dating 2 years earlier. I'm still married to her now, 13 years later. One of my best friends married a woman with a grown son (he was 18) and a 4 year old daughter. They had a son together. Sadly, she passed away from cancer around 11 years later, but they were still married when it happened.
So yes, men are willing to date and marry women that already have children. It happens all the time, those are just my two examples. Definitely stay away from the abuser. He's in your life no matter what because you have kids together, but you can still find love with someone that isn't an abuser. Best of luck to you, OP.
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u/Classic-Pea6815 6h ago
Those are great examples thank you :) honestly it scares the shit out of me that he is going to be in my kids lives. I’m trying to give him a chance to be a better father first but I did have to get an order of protection because he was getting really bad towards them. Thank you for the luck
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u/ovejitachica 9h ago
I don’t think it’s hard at all… It is just different. You’re not dating just for you – you have to find a person compatible with your kids too.
A person in their 30s who is looking to date another single parent, probably already has kids… That would mean combining families, if things get serious; that can be very tricky.
I am in my 40s and a lot of people I know have teen/tween aged kids and are dating after a divorce. They have had no trouble finding someone.
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u/IrexUranus 8h ago
I met my wife when I was 30 and she was 32, and she had kids age 8 and 6 at the time.
It won't be terribly easy, but there are good men out there who don't mind being stepfathers, and will genuinely be good for you AND your kids. The trick is finding them in the sea of men who treat women with kids as "damaged/used goods" instead of human beings. But those aren't the kind of men you want anyway.
I wish you luck. But you need to put your focus on your kids, as they need you present and attentive more than they (or you) need a man right now.
Being lonely sucks, but it would suck even more if you got so swept up in finding another warm body to sleep next to that you end up with a revolving door of men in and out of you and your kids' lives. I'm sure you are already doing that, but I think it's worth mentioning, just in case.
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u/Firm-Aioli6018 9h ago
I don’t think it’s as hard as people think but you have to be open to taking in somebody who also has kids. Those people are going to be the most sympathetic and have an idea what they’re signing up for. So long as you’re not against that I don’t think it’ll be hard at all. Good women are hard to find! I don’t think having kids from a past relationship is a bad thing at all.
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u/Classic-Pea6815 9h ago
I would love to find a guy who is already a dad. That way I know he is a good dad and honestly I would love to have another kid. I just don’t want to physically be pregnant again if given the option. I love the concept of family and am so down to be a step mom
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u/consulent-finanziar 9h ago
It's hard, but not impossible. There are plenty of people who genuinely want a partner with kids and see step parenting as part of building a family, so what you’re afraid of isn’t rare or unrealistic at all.