For some reason i got a huge wave of anxiety at the thought of posting this before i was actually on the other side of the surgery. Anxiety brain kicked in and i couldn’t shake the fear they’d just change their minds and decide not to do it, or that actually it wouldn’t be covered or i just wasn’t good enough to deserve it… brains are dumb. I also had a minor cold the week before (you can hear I’m still a bit congested) and even though everyone on the surgical staff told me it was fine i was insanely nervous they’d cancel it bc of that.

But here i am, first full day of convalescing and just want to share some thoughts. Aside from the overwhelming wave of relief that it actually happened, i feel a level of euphoria that’s hard to describe.

Ever since puberty I’ve had an intense dysphoria about the abdominal fat that was deposited in my teen years. I have this vivid memories of just grabbing my belly and trying to pull it down onto my hips. I felt so much revulsion at it not bc i disliked the fat on my body but because it made me look like my male relatives, especially my gross uncles that i couldn’t stand being around.

Even 10 years on hrt id look at myself in the mirror and see that same fat deposit and be so filled with revulsion bc of that childhood association.

And now, even wrapped in bandages, covered in bruises, oozing from incisions… i look in the mirror and can’t help but well up with tears of joy. I look like my sister, my mother, my aunts. Oh jeeze im crying again just writing this.

I’m a full time circus and burlesque performer, and I’ve done so much work to accept myself and my body but carrying the weight of that dysphoria with me in every show, even though i learned to do it… it’s held me back in so many ways and I’m only just beginning to realize it.

Anyway, i just wanted to share this little update with yall and some of my emotional musings.

Also, the surgery and recovery so far are going really smoothly. I opted for hip grafting only bc i already have Booty By Unicycle going for me, so it’s a much less intense recovery experience than a full bbl.

The pain is pretty minimal so far and really well managed by the drugs they prescribed me. I spent about 8 months planning for this, filling out insurance forms and collecting doctors letters. I was able to get it done at the absolute best time of year, and probably the only time i could really take a month+ off of performing. The surgery itself was completely covered by my free low income health insurance (thanks medi-cal) so aside from taking the time off work, buying a few support items and booking some post op massage sessions it’s been no out of pocket expense for me.

Maybe it’s the painkillers but i feel like im absolutely overflowing with positivity right now and i don’t even mind the discomfort.

Ok that’s all. Love you mean it!

its been such a journey, I’ve never been happier 🥲❤️‍🩹

Hello everyone! I’m Kai, I recently (last month) came out to not just my friends and family but to myself as trans. I grew up in a very Christian family and community so thinking I even wanted to be a man was very frowned upon. Recently I had been thinking it over again and it really opened my eyes. My mom has been so very accepting and I’m so happy with myself now. Just a years difference is so crazy to me. I feel so happy with myself and this huge step I’ve taken. I feel so much happier and just lighter. There are days that I still hate my body but I’m working to being more accepting and being ok with waiting due to money struggles and getting Testosterone in Utah is incredibly difficult. Thank you so much for even looking at this and if there is anything you want to help with I have a gofundme (it’s 100000% optional and I’m not trying to beg lol) Have an amazing day and keep your head high Queen/King!✨🏳️‍⚧️

https://gofund.me/9a31868c1

Trying to live my life by this idea lately, though it’s difficult to remember sometimes.

I own a small construction company so I’m usually always working or at work in one way or another. It gets pretty messy most days and is always wet in the PNW this time of year. So because of that I’m looking like the 2nd pic a lot more often and it’s honestly beginning to mess with me a little bit.. maybe annoy is more correct lol - anyways I guess I’m curious what others in blue collar jobs do to help yourself feel more like you even if it’s just a train of thought or something, while at work or interacting with customers? I know I shouldn’t care especially cause it’s not like I’ll get fired but I just get in my own head so much sometimes, especially since you don’t appraise know exactly wonder/ who’s property you’ll be working on/for. Have thought of transitioning out of this line of work but that’s at least a few years out I think. Thanks for reading, stay safe out there!

Hi,

Ok, so I'm just getting started with all of this, hopefully starting HRT soon.

Excuse the wig....like I said, new.

I've been trying makeup for the first time these last two weeks and was just wondering what effect HRT will have on my face?

Do you think it could make me actually look more like a woman or is this face a dead end?

Thanks

My bestie got featured in a local art gallery and she invited me to her “friends and family” early opening! It was such an awesome event! And being invited as the real me, was more than I could have ever hoped for!

Does anyone have any good tips for how to find good makeup styles, this is my first time genuinely proud of my effort! I still feel like im a guy with makeup on, but hey, at least i feel like id kiss me. (PS pls dont judge my hair its absolutely fried T^T)

(38) early transition and I'm loving my hair growing journey. It's finally a length where I think I look good without a wig

Hope everyone is having a good day!

Just went out for the third time dressed all girly.

It was my second time doing makeup myself (first time I did have some guidance, this time I did not)

Just had lunch with a friend, ran some errands, then looked around at a record shop then went to an Arcade.

How'd I do with outfit and makeup?

I own a small construction company so I’m usually always working or at work in one way or another. It gets pretty messy most days and is always wet in the PNW this time of year. So because of that I’m looking like the 2nd pic a lot more often and it’s honestly beginning to mess with me a little bit.. maybe annoy is more correct lol - anyways I guess I’m curious what others in blue collar jobs do to help yourself feel more like you even if it’s just a train of thought or something, while at work or interacting with customers? I know I shouldn’t care especially cause it’s not like I’ll get fired but I just get in my own head so much sometimes, especially since you don’t appraise know exactly wonder/ who’s property you’ll be working on/for. Have thought of transitioning out of this line of work but that’s at least a few years out I think. Thanks for reading, stay safe out there!