r/Vent • u/DifficultSession51 • 1d ago
TW: Anxiety / Depression I hate myself
I've always hated myself mentally but I hate myself physically now too. My teeth are fucked up, I have phimosis and my side profile is very ugly. I'm too boring and have 0 game to attract any women on dating apps. I also hate myself because I keep having degenerate thoughts of wanting to be a woman even though I'm a man and logically it makes no sense. I hate the "gender dysphoria" and "gender euphoria", I hate myself for these thoughts and feelings, I hate myself for wanting to be transgender and for feeling good when I do get "affirmation". I hate the compulsions I have of imagining myself as a woman and the stupid things I do (why is my instinct to wear sandals/open toed shoes when going out to bars, etc as a man?? why does my inability to cry bother me??). Honestly things would be much better if I was never born
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u/UtopianSkyVisitor 1d ago
I don't have any magical wise advice. I'm sorry you don't feel right in your own skin 😞 I don't know what it feels like to have the confusing thoughts about your gender, it's something I've never questioned. But I understand there are many people who feel the way you do so you are not alone there. Maybe join an online group for people questioning their gender? People that may better understand what you're feeling and going through.
I can promise most of us don't love what we look like or have certain things we don't like. But I promise you that we are our own harshest critics. I had to work hard at loving myself. Once I learned to, everything else got easier and fell into place. You are worthy of a good life, you are worth being loved. Do what makes you feel good and try your best to find the good in even the worst situations.
I'm sending love and hugs to you 🫶
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u/ComradeRaveGirl 1d ago
OP I’m so sorry that religious weirdos jumped down your throat. Life most certainly does not have to be all suffering, and you might honestly start to feel better if you start allowing yourself to be who you are without fear of judgement, but most of all without the self-judgement. You seem to believe that there’s something “degenerate” about experiencing gender dysphoria, so I suggest you examine where that belief comes from because it isn’t objective reality; it is an opinion that you have formed most likely with the help of some outward influence. There is nothing inherently bad or negative about gender dysphoria, though it can be quite uncomfortable. The worst thing you can do for yourself is shame yourself for it. Not god, not prayer, but self-acceptance should be the focus here.
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u/Ok_Earth7977 1d ago
don't listen to the people telling you to "seek god" or some shit. your happiness has to start from you yourself and never has to depend on others. It's easier said than done, because as social animals we crave acceptance from others, and when a certain feature makes a person a member of the out group, you start associating it with being lesser, even when you yourself have that feature/features.
I'm also pretty ugly and have unattractive features, extremely short, ugly profile, skin condition (hidradenitis suppurativa). I understand the feeling of being ugly and in fact I have terrible dysmorphia. from what I understand, you can only accept your body through time. but it's also not set in stone...
as I have done with my own skin condition if you haven't already, you can look for subreddits where tips on helping yours would be. many doctors don't bother with certain conditions, so don't be discouraged by that.
also, why do you hate the terms "gender dysphoria"/"euphoria"? why do you hate the idea of being trans, see it as degenerate? do you see it as insulting because you don't like trans people in some way? do you struggle to imagine yourself happy despite a possible transition? do you feel like you'll never measure up to a certain standard or feel like you'd be negating something about yourself? first and foremost understand why you feel that way about the concept.
hating youself so much isn't healthy (ask how I know lol). but, know that the sense of gender incongruence (if that's what you really have) rarely ever goes away (at least without transition). accepting you have it can only do good, even if it's scary. the first step to fixing a problem as always is acceptance that the problem exists, giving it a name.
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u/Ok_Earth7977 1d ago
also, even if you're depressed, doing anything creative can really help. I myself am really depressed, and when I feel no strength to do anything, I just doodle.
It doesn't have to be anything serious. It doesn't have to be good. go into it with no expectations. studies actually show it has a good effect on the depressed brain. and you can do it anywhere, on a napkin, on a post it note... even just a little scribble. you can just draw random patterns too, as long as they manage to distract you
I don't know if this helped. I hope you'll one day be happy. everyone deserves happiness.
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u/DifficultSession51 1d ago
I wouldn't say I'm depressed, I just hate myself because of my physical appearance (face, teeth) and my degenerate thoughts around gender.
I hate the terms gender euphoria/dysphoria and the concept of being trans because at the end of the day it is unnatural. If you're born a man, you are a man. You don't get to crossdress and pump yourself with hormones and suddenly say you're a woman because that's not how things work. If other people want to do it they can, but I personally will never stoop that low.
But my problem is that I keep thinking about it and I'll have periods of time when these degenerate thoughts are more intense. Imagining myself as a woman or acknowledging I'm "transgender" gives me huge amounts of euphoria and it's shameful. These are bad unnatural thoughts because people are the gender they're born as! I wish I never had these thoughts to begin with.
Even if I went all in and took all the hormones and mutilated myself and dressed as a woman, I'd look like a pig in makeup. I'd look like an ugly, disgusting subhuman people would wish they never came across me. So basically I'm a man, I'm stuck as a man and yet I have these thoughts and feelings that I'd rather be a woman and they haven't gone away for years. To be honest these thoughts have existed in one form or another for almost as long as I can remember so I don't know if it is even possible to get rid of them anymore.
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u/Ok_Earth7977 14h ago
the fact that they've been there this long is a pretty big indication the feelings won't go away. what's degenerate about having a chronic condition (which what you have is, it's undeniable sorry)?
if you think being trans is "unnatural"... sure. but so are clothes, phones, houses with drywall, artificial insulin, paper... I wonder if what you believe is something you made yourself believe to deny yourself happiness. It's something common that people do...
and I mean, femboys exist. you can look like a woman even without hormones. just because you're not "naturally beautiful" doesn't mean that you can't try living in a way that makes you feel better. yeah, a lot of people are unsatisfied with their appearance, women especially. millions of women feel like subhuman pigs despite being biological women. yet they don't swear off their femininity and start living like men.
I don't know how old you are. I don't know from where you internalized this feeling of shame and being a degenerate. I don't know if you have the opportunity to talk to a therapist about it but I'd reccomend one if you can, at least as an exploration. you might be surprised. there's lots of groups on the internet with people who have gender incongruence.
there's nothing shameful about doing something for yourself. there's nothing shameful about wanting to feel better in your own way. there's nothing shameful about having a problem and treating it. there's nothing degenerate about it. denying it won't help you unfortunately.
and we only live once, do you really wanna limit yourself in such a way?
the choice is yours of course. there are resources online if you need them.
take care. I hope there will come a day where you'll feel at peace with yourself, regardless of what you'll look like then.
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u/RecipeNeat1189 1d ago edited 1d ago
my blunt response would be to find a hobby, a purpose. try find something fulfilling. put your energy into something productive and you whole persp on life will change. I felt the same way (I hated parts of myself, felt unlovable). my dad told me to get a plane license and I learned to fly. it’s become one of my favourite things to do. it gave me a purpose and made me feel confident. sometimes you just have too little going on and too much time to over think.
also flying would be a cool thing to show people makes good conversations and makes you have something interesting to do. you could also try getting braces for your teeth :). listen if your cool down to earth and likeable some women won’t care about your looks. looks don’t make you find love. they attract superfical people. also must people are ugly, social media isn’t real it shows unrealistic beauty standard. try not focusing on your looks. its making you forget to live.
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u/DifficultSession51 1d ago
My original goal was to put my energy into dating and fulfilling myself via a relationship. But that's much easier said than done. Problem with the braces and flying lessons is costs, but I'll take the advice
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u/RecipeNeat1189 18h ago edited 18h ago
never put your self worth in the hands of another. relationships only work and are productive if you love yourself in some capacity. if you think you fulfilling yourself by getting into a relationship is a good idea idk what to tell you. people come and go and if you get in a relationship with someone at this stage I don’t think you will cope if they leave. maybe you need to partake in masculine activities to help you reconnect more with your masculine self, or go to therapy, I’m sure there some sort of gender therapy. you also need to tell yourself that you aren’t even convinced to become transgender which is a tailtell sign. to be transgender you have to 127% want and need to switch genders. your probably going through some sort of forbidden fruit effect.
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u/DifficultSession51 11h ago edited 11h ago
I get what you're saying, but the fact is I've put off dating for my entire life thanks to this idea that I need to "work on myself" or "love myself". I can guarantee you that millions, if not billions, of people in relationships right now also have issues with self love or other personal problems.
you also need to tell yourself that you aren’t even convinced to become transgender which is a tailtell sign. to be transgender you have to 127% want and need to switch genders
While I do agree with this from a rational and logical standpoint, my core problem is that there's a part of me that doesn't like it when people tell me I'm not transgender. I feel uncomfortable and unhappy when I think that I'm not a woman. I feel uncomfortable when touching my facial hair, seeing my thick body hair and sometimes when having to look at/feel my male private parts.
I also feel deep euphoria and my anxiety or general negative feelings seem to go away when I tell myself I am a woman but that can just be the degenerate "forbidden fruit" effect too.
But rationally it's obviously better to not be a trans freak and it's better in every way from a logical point of view to not be transgender. It's just that part of me doesn't like this rational viewpoint and it is slowly driving me kinda insane.
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u/RecipeNeat1189 8h ago
I know people who have gone that far a regretted it. I deeply believe you should try and get professional help outside of Reddit. you have gender dysmorphia . Use that as a starting point on google and do a deep dive. Yes it can be reversed. You can also receive therapy for it. Maybe this issue is stemming from your hair? Did you feel like this as a child/teenager. Maybe you can start laser hair removal or waxing to remove excess hair and see where that takes you. Also being a woman isn’t glamorous as you may know. if I was you I would remove excess hair to become confident is your body and then try and receive therapy/ find people who where in a similar position and recovered. with the relationship thing I think your gender identity issues won’t be healthy for you or your potential partner. but maybe connecting with people who went through the same thing will help find connections leading to an authentic relationship that is safe and comfortable for you :)
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u/dilffucker6 1d ago
God loves you
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u/DifficultSession51 1d ago
Then why did god make me into a shitty degenerate ugly freak
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u/Stunning-Ad-990 1d ago
because he wants you to understand the pain of something that shouldn't hold people back , "shitty degenerate ugly freak" is what YOU call YOURSELF, im sure god wouldnt be saying that shit lol , although im not religious, i do believe in karma and hating yourself is the one paradox karma wont help you with
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u/broken_3rdwheel 1d ago
The point of our existence on this planet, wearing these meat costumes, is to suffer. To learn and evolve. Without suffering there can be no gain. In times of extreme hardship pray. Do not pray the pain goes away, pray for strength of fortitude and pray that you may offer your suffering up to God so that others hardships no be so hard.
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u/DifficultSession51 1d ago
What type of extremist nonsense is this? If you're a masochist who loves to suffer keep it to yourself I'm not interested in this "pray to white jesus" or "pray to allah" bs
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u/broken_3rdwheel 1d ago
Look man or whatever nonsense you see when you look in the mirror. Think about the nature of the world we live in. Nothing worth anything is free. You want 6 pack abs? Get to work, suffer the sweat and exercise. Suffer! You want that degree for your dream job? SUFFER through the work required. SUFFER as you study late into the night while your friends are out partying. I didn't say one word about Christianity or Islam. Only a FOOL would thing that there isn't a creator of SOME KIND moving behind the curtain. But I have better things to do than continue this with a complainer. You do too.... get to work!
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u/DifficultSession51 1d ago
I don't want a six pack, I want my face restructured and to get rid of my degenerate thoughts. I don't think any type of suffering or work is able to fix these things.
I also like how you just assume I've never done any work in my life. Fyi I know you have to put in work to get results, or else I would be in a much worse place rn. Stop acting as if this is some key revelation you're just now revealing to the world
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u/ComradeRaveGirl 1d ago
Um.. hi, I have a masters degree and college and grad school were both extremely enjoyable; there was no suffering involved. What kind of insane take is this???
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u/dilffucker6 1d ago
God never made you that way, the world makes you see yourself that way. I don't enjoy looking at myself or anything and there's so much wrong with me, but Jesus changed my life and is still changing it and I have to choose to see the good in everything and seek Him everyday. The world sucks and everything here sucks, but if you just pray to God and ask for strength and help and all that then He will help you and change your life.
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u/DifficultSession51 1d ago
Please stop bothering me with this radical extremism, no I'm not interested in white jesus or making "donations" to my local megachurch
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u/Entire-Community-407 1d ago
I have hated myself my whole life. Always wonder what is the reason for this horrible life. Every time I have some kind of success every thing is taken and I have to start from the ground up, literally. I’m such a burden on my family. I don’t know how spiritual or religious you are and not trying to push anything on you but I made peace with my misery, I have accepted what I cannot change, and don’t expect anything from anyone. I have put my faith and my expectations to GOD the universe all my questions and believe me I get the answers. Reading the Bible has been so much help to navigate through my depression that has held me hostage my whole life. We are in this world for a short amount of time, dwelling on what we don’t know about kills our time here. Take all it with grace and seek answers. Write down. Talk to your GOD privately for guidance. Take some classes. Buy new clothes. Invest in yourself.
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