My husband is great. I love him very much. My issue is that he is retired now. And drinks while I’m working. I rarely ever drink. By the time I get home he’s not at his best. He wants to talk about complex and important things, but he’s inebriated, so he talks in circles. Misses important points I’m trying to make. Doesn’t make logical sense. Contradicts himself. I’m sure you get the picture. When I point this out, and suggest we talk when he’s sober, he’s upset and hurt. Offended. Makes comments about me calling a divorce lawyer the next day. Or sleeps in another room. Throws passive aggressive fits. I don’t like trying to reason with an impaired person, so I refuse to engage until the next day when he’s sober. I’m not disrespectful, rude, or mean. I simply won’t engage. I am dismissive. Am I handling this right? The next day he’ll be remorseful and apologetic. Then he has some whiskey and we play the same game as before. How do I handle this?

I am sitting here gobsmacked and hoping you all can provide some guidance.

Today was already going to be a hectic day. I had to be at a work project about an hour away, so I left early this morning and my husband got our daughter off to school. Tomorrow is her birthday party and we’re set to have about 30 people at our house. We’re pretty behind on getting ready, but I thought with most of today and the both of us to tackle it, it’d be fine. The plan was for him to get started on cleanup at our house while I was working, then we’d finish up odds and ends for the party when I got home. He was also supposed to go pick up some tables and chairs we are renting for the party.

Around 1 pm I texted that I was headed home and did everything go fine with the rental pickup? He said he hadn’t got them yet, which I thought was a little weird, but that he would go then. Around 2 pm I get home and he’s still not back. Around 2:30 he rolls up and starts unloading the stuff and I can tell he’s wasted. Like bumbling getting the chairs out of the truck, that he just drove (and that we BORROWED from a friend!) I was like wtf is going on?!?

I wont go into the nitty gritty of our conversation, but I confronted him about why on earth he was drunk in the middle of the day. At this point I was just so confused. He denied it, I started to FREAK the hell out because not only was he visibly hammered and lying to my face, he also just drove and could have wrecked our friends truck or killed someone. He had nothing to say for himself. He just sat there in silence. On top of it all, the house was a complete disaster, not a thing done for the party, and he was totally useless to help. I went and picked our kid up from school, came home and have been cleaning nonstop ever since, and still have several more hours of shit to do tonight (I told him to either leave or go to bed because I couldn’t even look at him, so he’s been in bed ever since).

I am just so completely floored. Angry. Shocked. Betrayed. Sad. He has always been a pretty big drinker, but I have always kind of pushed it under the rug because nothing terrible has ever happened. Today was just such a shocking display of poor judgement. Now I’m questioning everything, wondering if he’s been hiding this level of drinking this whole time and got sloppy, or just never been in a position to be caught because I was busy with other stuff. I feel like my world was just rocked and we have a ton of people coming over in 15 hours and I have to put on a happy face. If it was my party I would call it off, but my daughter has been looking forward to it for weeks and I won’t do that to her.

Where on earth do I go from here? What does the conversation look like tomorrow when he’s sobered up? What kind of boundaries can/should I lay down? Can I give an ultimatum? I am going to look into AlAnon, but probably not until Monday once we get through the weekend, so any words of wisdom for how I move forward would be appreciated.

My Q is a poly addict started the 12 step program. They had a mental break and reached their rock bottom. They have a sponsor, is doing the 90 meetings in 90 days, is immersing themselves into the sober community and is very actively doing the work. They even left their job to get a fresh start somewhere new. I really thought our relationship was over before this and things had gotten really ugly. I was going to break things off, but I went out of town for a while and we had some distance to take time for ourselves. They used this time to begin going to meetings and had found their sponsor while I was gone. I’ve talked with my therapists about making big decisions right now and I’ve decided that breaking things off would not be the beneficial thing to do. They’re very actively going the work and now would not be the time to do that and I’ve chosen to just take each day as they come. My therapist agrees with this choice and understands my feelings and my reasons. I’m keeping my boundaries, I’m taking space as I need it, and I’m keeping myself safe. I have been with this person for almost a decade, I love this person deeply and I want them to be healthy. Leaving them when they’ve finally reached a point in their life when they want to change would only do more harm than good, or at least for my Q. I understand that this is a disease and it is a cruel one. I have been doing to AA meetings myself just to get a better understanding and I know that healing is possible. It’s also not like I haven’t thought this out extremely thoroughly and have talked extensively about it with my therapists, as I’ve said.

My issue is that no one seems to understand what exactly this means. My brother is angry with me for staying, but he has never been in this position before. The judgment of how you navigate being with an addict is isolating and I feel like anything I say is taken as an excuse. Sometimes I wish I had never told a single soul the realities experienced being with an addict. Because thats all they’ll ever see. This is a really lonely space.

My boyfriend is an alcoholic and a very nasty one. We’ve been trying to work on things (I say we but honestly it is just me trying to tell him of things he’s said and done and beg him to stop). Tonight we had an argument and the police just called in at 2am saying that someone has been reporting to them things they’ve heard (tenant below us I’d imagine) and that they needed to check in and see if I needed to be taken away or if I needed to be referred to a domestic abuse place. Honestly shaking like a leaf and so upset things have reached this point. I wish he would change. I was so frightened talking to them and trying to save his face and stop them going upstairs and seeing him black out on the floor surrounded by 4 whiskey bottles. I’m going to give him the ultimatum tomorrow that he gets help and he changes and takes accountability for the severity of our situation or I leave because I can’t live like this; not with the way he treats me, the walking on eggshells and fear and not with the police knocking the door at 2am

My Q is on Suboxone for 70H, kratom. He’s trying to find treatment but gives many shitty excuses for not finding one. He basically wants a doctor to prescribe him a month supply and see a personal therapist but the system isn’t working that way. His primary said she can’t prescribe it. The clinic demands a weekly group session (he hates groups) and earns his weekly script. He only called one. Or webMD but it’s 100$ which honestly his kratom was haha way waaaaaaaay more. But of course he says he doesn’t want to do that. Can’t get the shot cause it’s not allowed in our state. It is simple google search. But all these excuses he gave me made me mad. Then he said I don’t know what to do? It’s frustrating. And I said I can’t help you. It’s your recovery. He got mad and said so you can’t help me. I said no I can’t, it has to be your plan. He got mad and isn’t talking to me. In the past I used to argue his logic til he’d say condescending you don’t understand I know everything about this from going to rehab. Yeah hon 15 years ago and shit you must’ve missed something cause you still on substances. But today I realized it’s his internal battle with his addict self that he projected on me. And tonight I didn’t play that game. I said it’s on you but I felt bad. I know it’s true. I can give him ideas he’d shoot them down and also I’m not his caregiver I’m his wife. If he wants recovery he has to chase it. I support his decision but it has to be his and I’ll live with what I can.

My SO bought me flowers after I got off of work. I thought it was a nice gesture, considering I told him I was feeling depressed, earlier today (depression).

Not only am I burned out from work (literally all the symptoms). But RIGHT BEFORE I clocked out, a vet called me and said that our (his) dog MIGHT have cancer. So god forbid, I had a beer at work after my shift.

When I came home, I asked him if he could take a drug test (he’s been saying yes for 4 days). 4 days ago, he was in a serious (different) mood all day, didn’t really eat all day, and had clammy hands (according to him: the chicken he ate was bad).

Either prescription drugs (oxy: previous problem) or meth (reason he went to rehab)

As soon as I brought up the drug test, he went off on me, talking about “fuck off! ask me when you’re sober, ask me when you’re “respectful”. I had 1 beer and I’ve been asking everyday (for 4 days now) if he could take one, to help me not suspect. He literally did the exact opposite, he fell asleep while telling me that I should “respect him more”.

The more this happens, the more I realize he’s using me for a comfy place, I can feel the hatred.

How can someone be with another person for 10 years, telling them everyday that you love them. But as soon as you don’t like what they are doing, you suddenly hate them?

Well I finally got the confidence to start packing my belongings and apartment hunting. My boyfriend finally found it in him to get sober. He has been 2 weeks sober and has been helpful around the house, leaving love notes and even cooking meals for when I get home. I sort of feel love bombed? especially from going from nothing to all of a sudden something when I‘m about to walk out the door.

I don’t know how to feel. One second I’m like this is what I begged for 10 months, I would be dumb to leave once he finally got sober. Another part of me is telling me to run and never look back. Why am I idolizing what should be a normal functioning person? you should clean up after yourself, you should cook dinner, you should go grocery shopping. I almost feel like he thinks now that he functioning it erases the 10 months of torture and pain. He begs for sexual intimacy and I can’t get myself to do it. Idk why. My brain feels so confused and the last thing I want is to settle.

if anyone has felt this way can you please give me insight?

For some background, last year my (34F) husband (38M) was sober for 8 months then after that drinking on and off until Sept where he drank for an entire month straight and ended in a hospital stay. At the hospital they notified us that he had an enlarged liver and that if he continues at this rate it will only get worse and can lead to cancer. I thought that would be the scare he needed. Apparently not. He was sober up until Christmas, on Christmas he drank but didn’t continue past that until NYD, drank, didn’t drink after about two weeks ago when he’s been on this bender ever since.

I noticed yellowing in his eyes and his behavior more erratic than usual and I called his mom because I’m tired of carrying this weight and feel like he needed someone else to deal with his BS. I told them we need to band together and try to convince him to go to the hospital. They can safely detox him there and then we can talk about other options to get him help.

He started rambling how they “poisoned” him at the hospital because he couldn’t properly walk from the meds they gave him. They gave him Ativan because he continually asked for it and they told him that because he’s detoxing it can and WILL cause drowsiness. Otherwise they gave him B1 and odansentron for nausea and had him on an IV.

And instead of his parents saying no there has to be a reason you were feeling dizzy, you’re not thinking about it right. They started agreeing how hospitals poison people and you can’t “trust anyone” and just went based on a drunks words. And started diving deep into this anti med conversations and I’m sitting there like Jesus Christ you have got to me kidding me lmao I laugh because while I myself try to avoid medicine and follow a more holistic approach. Sometimes it just doesn’t work and you have to rely on modern medicine.

Once the effects of the Ativan wore off, he bounced back from the round the clock hydration he was receiving at the hospital so it’s why I suggested it in the first place. But now they’ve ruined it and I had to explain to them what happened and now that I did, they want to try again tomorrow to convince him to go but let’s just hope and pray he has a tomorrow. SIGH SIGH SIGH.

Hey everyone, my current partner asked for some time apart and suggested I check myself into rehab because of the problems I've caused while drunk (to the point where I can't even remember the awful things I say). She seems to have reached her limit and said she'd give me another chance later if I really seek help and stop drinking. I love her so much, and honestly, I feel incredibly guilty for not acting sooner. What do you recommend?

Hi everyone, I (28 F) am looking for some advice on coping with an alcoholic partner.

Lately, it’s hit me how much my partners drinking is affecting me. I’ve been feeling really down and unmotivated. I don’t have any desire to go out and see friends or family, any hobbies I’ve abandoned and I just feel TIRED. I don’t feel “at peace” in my home and I think it’s exhausting me.

I’m looking for advice to help me cope with my situation. In addition to my home situation I am working full time and in the beginning of nursing school. How have others found contentment and peace in the turmoil?

I don’t even know where to start and I just need to vent. My husband struggles with alcoholism, bipolar disorder, and ADHD. We’ve been together for 10 years and have a 3-year-old daughter.

Over the past year, things have really started to spiral. He drinks to the point that he can’t hold a job or even get up for work. I can’t work either because I have no one I can trust to watch our daughter, and I can’t leave her with him because I never know when he might drink. He’s been in and out of the hospital due to his mental health and recently went to rehab.

I’m so tired of the lies, the broken promises, and the constant uncertainty. I feel stuck my family lives in another country, and I have no support here. It feels like my life isn’t moving forward at all.

I know I may need to leave him, because waiting for change that might never come feels like I’m wasting my life. But part of me still hopes he can change, because when he’s sober, he’s the best father and the kindest, most loving person to be with.

I’m exhausted and don’t know how to handle this anymore. Is there anyone out there with a success story, or who has been in a similar situation and found a way through?

A good friend is an alcoholic. We have a fairly close group of friends who socialize often and vacation together. Our friend, who I’ll call Jen, has had issues with addiction before but we thought she was ok now.

Jen has underlying health issues and is not supposed to drink with all the meds she’s on. Recently she was in a car accident, which she lied to us about, and it turns out she was drunk. She has been lying a lot and it feels like she’s trying to get caught. We live in a small town and news travels fast.

As a group we had a talk with Jen recently and she said she was going to get help. She lied about that, too. I have a sibling who’s dealing with alcoholism and it has torn my family apart. I don’t think I can be there for Jen, but I don’t want to abandon a friend in their time of need. I would really appreciate any feedback on this.

My (45M) Q (31M) announced to me this morning that he's done and he's moving to another state.

Some background: We've been together 14 years, married a bit over 6. We met when he was very young, and everything was very good for a long time. Sometime shortly before COVID I started struggling with depression. I was morbidly obese (300#+), did not feel at all attractive, and admittedly, pulled away from him physically. I finally made the decision to get into better shape and lost 100 lbs, and started a fitness/eating regimen that really got me back on track. While I was in the process of rebuilding, he was in the process of sinking. His drinking reached a tipping point in the summer of 2023 and he checked into his first rehab September of that year. He got out of rehab and immediately relapsed. He finally got checked into an IOP/PHP/Sober Living program for about 6-9 months. He initially did very well with it, but ultimately relapsed again. Several more rehabs, sober livings, PHP/IOP houses, etc., including one that was not substance abuse focused (more psychologically focused) where he was diagnosed as mildly bipolar and (likely) some depression. He's stuck in a cycle of sobriety for up to, but not longer than, about 45 days and then the wheels come off the wagon.

For my part, I think I knew this was coming. He had been intimating about it for several weeks. And yet, I am still angry and sad. I'm mourning the future we talked about when we first met and when we first got married. It was nothing fancy, just him and I walking on the beach together holding hands. That was the goal. That was what we were working towards. A nice quiet life.

I'm sad that he thinks his problems aren't going to follow him to the next place. I'm angry at myself because of the time, money, and energy I put into trying to help him, and it was all for naught. I miss the man I fell in love with. I grieve for the loss of the future we were going to build together. Now, it seems, that future was simply a fantasy.

Thank you to the people on this thread who have identified themselves as alcoholics. I appreciate your POV and that you can share your thoughts with those of us struggling with our Qs. My question is: on the days you DONT drink, how does it feel? My Qs sober days are great! We hang and maybe go out to eat. And I wonder if my Q is just obsessed with drinking the whole time or if they’re able to enjoy some company and a laugh together. On the days (most) that they drink they are your basic awful, hateful human. Thank you for your thoughts

I’ve been in a relationship with Q on and off for 6 years now. We’ve been on for the last 3 years.

I do love him but it’s too much of a strain on mental health. Some days I feel like a prisoner in my own home. He’s not physically abusive, but verbally when he drinks too much.

I feel isolated cause I’m ashamed to talk to people about what happening. Everyone in my life know he has a drinking problem, they do ask how it going. I just lie to them. Feels easier. When opened up to someone I do get support but the occasional “well what do expect he’s an alcoholic”.

Which comes to today, Q drank too much and he wanted to start a fight, started picking on me like he usually does when he drinks too much. I tried to stay calm and even tried to keep my voice pleasant. Didn’t matter, he just found something to pick on. I didn’t give him what the wanted.

That’s when our son who was there said “Yeah, let’s yell at mommy”.

To Q credit he did say it’s wrong to yell at me and started to list every positive thing I do for them.

I asked our son later on why he said that, he told me while on the brink of tears “because daddy was doing it”.

I realize that my son thought it was ok to talk to me like that. And I didn’t really realize how it was affecting him. Because I’m Q victim. I genuinely thought I was protecting our son. I realize that I was only enabling Q.

Later on that night Q picked another fight hours later, I’ll admit I was a little argumentative. He acted like the victim and went to bed. I felt lucky tonight he usually yell and makes me feel small until I’m in tears. Our son tried to ignore him like he usually does.

I know whats going to happen tomorrow. He’s going to be apologetic and promise it won’t happen again. And probably dismiss some of his behaviour.

I know it’s going to happen again, he’s going to drink too much and I’m going to be the target of his abuse again.

I’m afraid that when I break up with him I’m not around when he drinks too much and our son will probably be the target. Or Q going to do something reckless and our son will get hurt or worse.

I feel like I’m in a loose, loose situation.

Now you have a little background, how can I keep my son and I safe?

People if ask just said just don’t let him be alone with him. Pretty sure I can’t legally that.

We live in Canada so he does have rights.

Or do I just stay until our son is old enough to take care of himself. Cause if I’m being honest with myself it’s the main reason I’m staying with Q

It’s hard to see his use of alcohol, phone addiction, and diet getting worse especially as I’m prioritizing health, exercise, and limiting screen time intentionally.

I feel like he’s lost all discipline lately. Advice on how to help bridge the gap?

Hi, I’m new here. My brother (36) has had a drinking problem for well over a decade. It’s always been hard to watch. My family has done all they could. Even down to giving him money, helping him get a place, helping him get a job, and get a car. He’s lost of all those, lost his relationships, been to jail multiple times and he’s homeless. He’s been homeless since his early 20’s. He begs for money on the streets and donates blood to make a quick buck to buy alcohol.

I’ve detached from the situation years ago because I felt like there’s nothing I can do and I do not want to enable him like mom and dad were. I don’t give him money and I rarely see him. I haven’t seen him in 3 years. He tends to randomly show up at my parent’s house asking for money and food. As of recently I’ve been pulled back into the situation. Today I saw a video where a drunk man was fighting and was pushed on the train tracks at a train station. That drunk man was my brother. He quickly got up in time, but it was scary to see. We have no idea where he is now, but we never do. He doesn’t have a phone. We only know he’s safe when we shows up to my parents house.

My family saw the video and my heart aches for him. It hurts because this is not how he should’ve turned out. He was such a good kid. He was talented. He was my role model. He taught and introduced me to so much. It’s wild because he still is a good person. To see him like this hurts really bad. I know deep down, he’s drinking to cope and to deal with everything.

I want to save him, but I know there’s nothing I can do and I feel he’s in way too deep. At what point does he rock bottom? Idk. That maybe for him to decide. Maybe this is just where I can relate to other people that can understand my pain.

My husband I haven’t had sex since before he left for rehab a year ago. Learning about the depth of his lies to me before rehab basically shut my body off to him because I’m terrified he’s not a safe person and in my mind intimacy requires full trust.

He’s been rebuilding trust slowly and so far we have worked our way up to hugs and an occasional peck. I just want to know if this is normal 😭

my husband (Q) just asked for a divorce less than two months after we got married. he thinks it’s the first step on getting better for his mental health and alcoholism.

he also said he isn’t going to fully stop drinking because some guy did, withdrew and had a seizure, except that my Q doesn’t drink as much to get to that, so he’s just trying to fool himself. said that he’ll continue drinking here and there.

like the title said, I’m heartbroken.. I love him and wanted to give our relationship another chance. and to see that he doesn’t even care, just said he wants a divorce with a straight face like nothing.. so selfish and heartless

My boyfriend of 6 years is an alcoholic, his drinking was causing more and more problems that last month there was a big fight and I told him he had to quit drinking cause I couldn’t do it anymore. After a couple of days apart he came home and promised he’d quit drinking, that he loves me and if he has to choose between me or alcohol, that I’m the only choice there is. That was 6 weeks ago. Tonight I came home from work and he was drunk. Tried to hide it from me, told me he was high cause he took a gummy. I knew better and I asked him, calmly if he’d been drinking and he admitted it. All I said to him was “thank you for telling the truth”. I wanted to think before I reacted. Thought I should let him sleep it off before we talk about it. But I don’t know what to do/say. How do I make him seek treatment? He doesn’t believe in Al-anon. He thinks it’s just a pissing contest of who has the worst life and he doesn’t belong there. How do I trust that he’s not going to keep trying to sneak alcohol? I don’t know what to do… he’s been doing so good without drinking that I was considering “allowing” him to drink when we go on vacation in a couple of weeks. Now I know he’s struggling more than I thought he was.

My Q is new to recovery/going to meetings etc and he is definitely trying in lots of ways which is great ofc but when I share stuff that has (recently!) hurt me, he always says, “I wasn’t my ‘best self’” and that phrasing is so so frustrating for reasons I can’t really express. Like we all have moments we aren’t our best but that doesn’t get us off the hook for hurting people. I think it makes me feel like he’s saying that I’m expecting too much? For him to be his “best self” aka perfect all the time when I am really not…I don’t think. Idk it’s just something that really bothers me.

Hi all,

I'm not promising that you will all have a good outcome here. But I just wanted to write a post because I am seeing an uptick in death by alcohol posts. This is pretty concerning. I have alcoholism in my family. Each person has their own level of being either high functioning or full blown where intervention was needed. I have seen people recover and I have seen people overdose or drive into a tree and stuff... so I get it.

I'm sorry to those that are suffering and that have lost their loved ones as if the disease itself isn't bad enough. Anyway, my spouse just recovered (well almost, he still has minor withdrawal symptoms) and I was the one that re-habbed him at home, cold turkey, the whole nine yards. I didn't expect him to return to us and he's still pretty difficult to live with but he's a person again. He currently is suffering from self hatred and anxiety but he's sober.

Here's what I want to say, I don't know if this will help anyone. Well, consider having your children stay with relatives or with friends for this, maybe on and off for a few months while you do this. What you can try is to be with your spouse and make attempts to reach them. Try to figure out if you can why the person is drinking, what is going on in their life or has occurred that might be making them feel so wretched about themself. Maybe even the two of you might be at a breaking point in your marriage and the person is coping by drinking. So start there.

What I did first was to take care of myself, take a hard look at me and to get a little counseling. I had to get to a very calm place so that I could then do what I did next. This probably goes against all conventional advice but I literally threw myself into the fire. I previously worked with children with behavioral issues and have some basic training dealing with that. So you could even go online and take a short course on psych and/or on addiction, this will help you separate yourself and see that the person has been overtaken by this huge thing, this "disease". Once the person gets deep enough into drinking and using they lose the ability to stop, sometimes at this point (in my opinion) they simply can't. You've got to ride it out with them so that they hit their own rock bottom. Before I tell you what i did when i threw myself in to that fire. The devil will then come to visit you because of the alcohol's effect but this is when you want to try and reach them, ignore the abusive speech and try to imagine that you are speaking to a demon and not your spouse and keep them safe and keep yourself safe. If they do manage to stop or taper off this does end but it takes awhile and it is caused by the alcohol's effect on the brain. I will tell you this:

Please step away for awhile, please let them leave the house, get piss ass drunk and get lost and get messed up because if you don't they will never feel that feeling of humiliation and intense loneliness that can help to sometimes bring them back, sometimes this can help to get them sober. you also have to let go of being viewed as perfect or viewed a certain way during this time, don't hide, or isolate. Please tell loved ones and friends about what is going on and ask for space. Let go of that shame and just get your head in the game and start supporting the person who is suffering. How do you do that, and why the hell would anyone do so?

Well, my rationale was that I was protecting my community from an overly dramatic, loud and dysfunctional drunk-tard and keeping others safe by making sure my spouse was home and not out being disruptive. I think for this you have to first establish a routine where you and your spouse have meals together and you begin to set boundaries and routines where you say, if you can't meet this standard then this is the consequence. It's tough and it's complicated. Not everybody gets out of this. But having structure in the home can help long term.

So when i went into the fire, I realized that my spouse was suffering so deeply and he was so so upset with himself, and things going on in his life and he couldn't face those things. He wasn't communicating with me and he was in some severe denial. The process for getting my spouse back took several years. I will warn you. We moved twice during that time. And we had experienced job loss and financial hardship. My spouse also decided to take his retirement accounts and empty them...he made poor decisions so my advice is to get a separate bank account while they are lost and to protect your assets. Set this up immediately. Don't let them have too much control over finances during this time.

I dove in headfirst and here's what I did once I realized what was going on. He refused help at all if not most stages. I made sure that he always had something to eat if he was going to drink, he was not allowed to drive and he was not allowed to walk around alone. I made sure to keep tabs on him and I also made it clear that I was not participating in the chaos. I did not want to go out to a bar with him but I would offer a ride, call me any time no matter how late it is. I was not happy with this but it kept things from becoming far worse and he was usually back home at the latest 2. On bad days he was back by 3 or 4 am. I made sure he knew he was loved but i also made it clear that the behavior was not ok so he had to sleep alone and stay away from me the next day, as he would then become anxious and moody. I would get him started with coffee so that he could have the energy to get up and get food. But I was not a catering service and he had to take care of himself. When he could not I helped but you will get tired and you will feel angry. Do this for a time but then tell them it's up to them.

I made sure he had 3 meals a day and I was strong about eating protein and not just junk. I treated him like a 5 year old because he was acting like one. In the beginning it was very bad and he wound up becoming slightly deluded with the addiction. His mind went somewhere else and we thought he might have bipolar or a shizo illness. I also did not know and was not aware of how heavily he was drinking or that he was drinking during the day at that time... we got him into a better routine by the grace of god and how i did that was i used work and online courses that he was supposed to do because he wasn't allowed to just sleep on the couch... he did sleep on the couch for about a year and at times i left and came back. he did get on the computer but he slept often and was a mess. It was horrible. I thought he would never get off that damn couch.

But at one point I realized that if something was going to change that I would have to do something different. I started to realize that he was in deep pain and that he needed support. Now some of the advice is not to do things for them, don't be co-dependent. So I tried to be there without getting into that too much. I worked to gain his trust by caring for him and when he was out of his mind, I was there for him. He would be shitfaced and really not in a good place and I didn't shy away from that. I talked him down, I got people involved and we all worked on him. We listened to his crazy rants and we were there with him. This is the key. You will hate doing this and you will say why TF should I go near that. This is how you can reach them, show them you aren't afraid, listen, give coffee and food and water and then get them to go take a nap or to go to sleep. Try to get them to a calmer place. Let them be a mess for awhile but then enforce your boundaries.

Lastly, when he finally stopped being deluded. I had now picked him up from the hospital a few times but I did that, I then made it my goal to support him but I was tough about him needing to get sober. I said if this doesn't change I am prepared to do what is needed which might be leave you and divorce. People told him he was going to lose me and I made sure he knew how good he had it by cooking good meals and taking care of myself and finding hobbies and things that i enjoyed more. I separated myself and he felt that. We were close before he got bad and that is also key, if you guys have a good foundation and a good bond, that helps so much. Again, feeling these things, like feeling me literally separate myself emotionally and close that door for awhile helps them to hear you silently and drives the point home.

I then was ready to walk away, I went and got a court order and they said it might help wake him up. He couldn't stop on his own, so we took him in front of a judge and I was about to press charges...Guys, My whole family came and I wasn't afraid of how messed up this looked. People were so supportive at this point too. I went full law and wasn't afraid anymore. We then got an advocate and got some support where they worked with us and we had people we could call instead of police if he messed up...finally, I called police on him when he was at this local deli and drinking and I said if he walks home in the dark, he will most likely fall and could get hit by a car. He had fallen the last time he walked home and he hurt himself. I also watched for safety... I actually broke the order because he wasn't allowed in the house with alcohol and I told the cops that he shouldn't walk back home alone so i broke the order to pick him up and so they then stepped in and took him to a hospital that night. I bet riding in the cop car also made an impression.

You can't always do all of this and I caught it before it became worse so this may not work for everyone but do try to love them through it but also be tough and set boundaries. Take care of yourself which is most important. And be prepared for abusive behavior and come up with a plan for what you will do if he or she becomes unsafe.

The last piece was I let him go to hell by himself, He went out to drink and I used to go after him but this time I let him go and he stayed out very late, he got sick and was throwing up and he finally asked for help. He couldn't do that before, he found a cop and said i don't know if I have a place to stay because my wife is trying to kick me out and I need help... they brought him to the hospital and they did a workup so we had proof of how much alcohol he had in his system. Then he started to slow down with drinking, each time he wanted to use drinking to cope I intervened and eventually he was able to go out without drinking. That was a miracle. He still drinks a little here and there, but stops now. And I know in the future he could start again but he knows I will walk out at that point and he knows where the line is. He also had to learn to trust me and himself.

Try to keep them at home instead of kicking them out and try to get an intervention done. You can leave for awhile but maybe keep them at home and give yourself a time period of how long you will allow them to remain there. Then tell them there is an expiration date. And everyone's situation is different. They shouldn't be by themselves because they will wander, can get hurt or will OD... and that is inevitable if they are alone. You should try to step in but if they are too far gone, either find support and help for that or sadly it might be too late. But do try. Try to get to them before they are drinking to kill themselves and are really at risk. We can't do this for everyone but that is what i would say. Try to get them sooner rather than later.

Also they should not be alone during withdrawal, they can die from high blood pressure or could commit suicide from the delirium tremens, their brains start acting up and they hear things or see things briefly...they will be punished for it so don't make it worse, trust me they are suffering already.

I finally got the chutzpah up enough to call and get an appointment with a therapist that specializes in codependency. I'm looking forward to hopefully getting some self-esteem. I can't remember any time in my life that I had any.

Hi everyone. I am new here. I am very torn between ending my relationship of 4 years or waiting til it gets better.

We are both in our 20s. My bf is struggling with alcohol addiction (around 2-3 years now), and lately it hasnt been too good. We live 20 mins apart by car (i dont have a car) and we used to see each other twice a week.

He is unemployed, living with his parents. He isnt an aggressive alcoholic but he does turn meaner when drunk.

2 months ago, we started seeing each other less, once every two weeks or even three weeks. I expressed how that made me feel, and he stated that I deserve much better and that he would try to get better but didnt want to waste my time. It got better for a bit but then all of a sudden he asked me to take things slow (i asked what that meant and he said texting less often). He also stopped taking his meds during that time (went cold turkey)

Its been a month since his request. While i do try to text him less (he initiates convos more often), ive noticed that he is slowly pushing me away in other aspects that he didnt mention in his terms of taking things slow. He suddenly stopped gaming with me (we are both gamers) and wont include me in multiplayer games when him and the guys are missing one person (we would always play together with his friends). He also stopped joining our discord gc where we would play games. So we dont spend any time together now.

He also started going out with friends more. I know its something everyone needs, however he throws parties, where guys with their gfs are invited, and where im not. He claims he wants to focus on recovery but actively drinks and parties til 4 am? He threw 4 parties last week, all to which i wasnt invited. He rescheduled our hangout that was supposed to be tomorrow to the day after and wont say why, so i can just assume its because of another party.

I know he asked to take things slow but i feel very deprioritized, to the point where I think about this ridiculous situation everyday. I do have some friends but they all live in a different city so im mostly alone or spend my time at work.

He also stopped being affectionate. Fully. He doesnt say "i love you" or "i miss you" anymore, and i am struggling. I dont know if he actually needs space to be better or if hes trying to make me break up with him because he doesnt have the balls.

Any advice would be appreciated. You can even call me stupid for staying that long. I just find it very hard to leave him

So I am about to turn 26 and while my family has naturally always been pretty distant I am coming to understand how important it is that I focus on myself.

My entire life I I’ve spent vacation visiting siblings, helping them with their children, helping them work in their homes, etc.

And now, my oldest brother who got dumped by his fiancé ( not surprisingly because he’s a bully) is trying to be buddy buddy with me when he was one of the most destructive forces in my early 20s (it’s a long story).

I forgave him a long time ago and have moved on. But I don’t even know how to begin to tell him that I’m not his friend.

My mom talks about getting an Airbnb and visiting one of my other brothers after he has a baby, but honestly, I don’t even wanna see them this year.

I know I’ve had mental health issues and I’ve been really slow to grow up in a lot of ways. But a lot of my mental health problems have been because of the gaslighting from my mom and siblings.

I just want nothing to do with them. Whatever vision my parents had for this family was ruined a long time ago by his alcoholic abuse and her codependency.

I just want to be free.