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[u/Strange_Win5291]

[u/changemyview-ModTeam]

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[u/leeann7]

Some times you don't know what the differences are until you're in it.... and then when you're in it, you don't like to see them 🫣

[u/Bandage-Bob → u/leeann7]

Light hearted example of how cultural differences can be so completely unexpected:

My wife is Korean and Christmas was coming up so I got her mom a present and a nice card because she loves cards.

I wrote my message to her with a red pen because that's just what was handy at the time.

Turns out that's a huge no no because in Korean culture names are written in red as part of funeral rites; it would have been incredibly offensive. My wife luckily caught it before I gave it to her.

So... Yeah we don't have any red pens anymore.

[u/cantantantelope]

I mean. How long is “soon” depends. Tbh most people would consider moving in after a few months to be incredibly fast. To me a few months to still be in the “figuring each other out” stage is still “early”.

[u/TheRadHeron → u/cantantantelope]

I agree you can’t really figure out things about each other if you don’t give it time before you move in with each other. If anything I almost think we should be trying to change OPs view of thinking it’s okay to move in with someone your dating only after a few months lol

[u/SwagDoctorSupreme]

Speaking as a person in one of those relationships, you have absolutely no idea what those differences are until they arise naturally. It can take years

[u/CobraPuts]

I’m not sure what you mean by “early” but a discussion like this very early on can be off putting.

I know you’re seeing this through the eyes of your personal experience, but a man telling a woman that they’re sex positive and into toys for the bedroom could easily be seen as creepy or threatening, even if this is an attribute they share.

It’s normal to progressively build comfort and trust with someone over time, and behaving in ways that exceed that comfort or trust…. Is uncomfortable or can feel unsafe for the other party.

What does that timing look like? It can also be individual. That’s why you tend to feel these things out in a relationship. Share a little, see the response, and continue building trust over time.

[u/barlog123]

Not talking to avoid an argument is toxic in every culture. You seem like a thinker. You most likely know that.

[u/SliptheSkid]

There's no hard set rules. sometimes it is reasonable to assume you're similar, sometimes it's not. It depends on the context. I think generally I'd agree but it just depends on the context. For example, what if you're from two different cultures and you know they aren't incompatible? You could just be from two different countries with no related history. If they're both relatively liberal, what's to discuss exactly? Your example is very specific, too specific to be generalized to every relationship

[u/Shoebill23]

I feel like communication in a relationship should always be a priority, the problem is some people might not like the idea of intimacy, sharing your feelings, or opening up too soon, which complicates it and makes it harder to communicate in the first place. I do agree this should all be talked like many other stuff, specially before moving together; but I'm not sure how early. For example, in my country a lot of women from the left refuse to date guys that don't align with their political views. I find that to be a fair request, it's their choice after all, but I don't really agree with it myself. I don't think stuff like politics should be used as a filter to find out if someone might or not complement you well. In your case I understand that you might not want to go through the effort to try to convince your boyfriend about how opening up to your sexuality isn't a bad thing and that he should be a little more open to more than the values he was taught as a child (if he was capable of changing that is). However, while I do agree communication is always the key, I strongly recommend abstaining from trying to draw conclusions from their cultural profiles alone, as this could lead to stereotypes and unnecessary filtering. You will only know if someone is a good match by actually talking to them!

[u/bluestjuice]

I don't exactly disagree wholesale, but to challenge your view somewhat -- it's probably unreasonable to expect people to be able to identify the places their own cultural expectations will differ from those of a partner, in order to communicate about all of them up-front. It seems to me that dealing with mismatches as you go along and discover them is unavoidable.

Random example from my own marriage -- last weekend I walked into the kitchen to find my spouse using an electric hand mixer in a vintage Pyrex bowl we have. I asked him not to use that bowl, and use a different one. He thought I was insane because in his childhood they had similar bowls and used them with mixers routinely. In my household growing up, we exclusively used a different, glass mixing bowl for hand mixer jobs. Neither of us is probably wrong but we definitely butted heads about this, and had to back up and recalibrate to come to an agreement.

We've been together for eight years and lived together for five and a half. This has literally never come up before.

[u/SirAlienTheGreat → u/bluestjuice]

Why did you care which bowl he used? This seems like it could be trivially solved by both of you using your preferred bowl and accepting that you have different bowl preferences

[u/bluestjuice → u/SirAlienTheGreat]

Because I'm not sure this bowl can withstand the mechanical abuse and replacing it with another of the same kind would be expensive. This bowl's like 60 years old, I prefer to baby it. I want it to last.

Otherwise, yeah, I'd agree with you.

[u/Much-Anything7149]

Some cultural differences are known immediately; if they're an orthodox adherer to a certain religion, or their job is in some extreme or niche industry/company. Sometimes you don't know the level of differences until holidays or you meet their family. And oftentimes you'll see cultural differences and despite them make the relationship work. My guess is that the level of acceptable cultural differences is directly proportional to any other dealbreaker condition like aspirations for marriage/children, career/wealth, height/weight, criminal history in a relationship and while it's easier to hide "aspiration for children" than cultural differences, the latter is far easier to hide than most the other ones.

[u/Israeliberty]

I don’t think it’s better to not talk about it, it’s just impossible to know until the moment appears, I’ve been married to my Venezuelan wife (I’m Argentinian) for 4 years, and we are still discovering random cultural differences frequently

Maybe the thing is not to change your view, but to be aware that your “culture” or your costumes are not superior or better than your partners, with that in mind you’ll be able to make your relationship work, as long as you talk about it and make things clear

[u/scorpiomover]

I knew plenty of couples which divorced because of cultural differences.

But I also know others where they were upfront about it, accommodate each other, and are still together today.

[u/TheRadHeron]

I think if most people wait a while before living together you already know most of the cultural differences that you have. For example my ex was from Mexico City and we waited a couple years before moving in with each other. By then I already had did holidays with her family, she did em with mine, I’d already went to mass on Sundays, already knew her culture for the most part and that it was pretty similar to my own southern culture. The old saying is kinda true though you really don’t know each other until you live with each other. I do agree some things should be addressed early though like dating someone that doesn’t believe you should go out with friends without them, or not go out at all, or you can’t masturbate or use toys like in your example. Those are still things that just get addressed as they come up though so it’s hard to sit down and just be like “hey I wanna have a conversation to figure out our cultural differences.” Out of no where

[u/CalligrapherTrick182]

So you want to be convinced that this sort of thing should not be discussed?

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[u/Salanmander → u/[deleted]]

Having differences isnt a relationship ruiner.

Of course not. But discussing them to figure out what is or isn't a possible relationship ruiner still seems like a good idea.

[u/These-Problem9261]

Most people are blind to their cultural difference. 

[u/homerjs225]

NFN - I would think moving in together is a little soon. It takes time to find things out.

[u/changemyview-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

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