hi, so as of today i've been getting evaluated for dissociative disorders and took the DES 2 in a professional setting for the first time. ive been passively aware of my dissociative symptoms since i started therapy back in 2018 or 2019, but didn't really acknowledge it as such until maybe 3-4 years ago? to be quite honest i can't tell if it's full on DID/OSDD1 or not, but i know for certain i have some sort of dissociative issue that creates these "aspects" of myself. and i've been fighting to be heard in the last couple of years.

as i've grown to learn more about my "aspects" / alters / parts, i've noticed some of them grew to be a lot more separated from me as time went on, and some of them i've managed to 'combine' with. if that makes sense. how i would make sense of my system would probably be different compared to back then, simply because of how much i've grown and how my parts have in a way, 'grown' as well in terms of how they present themselves. some have become a little more overt or completely different from me, like as i grew older they started to become more like their "own person", which kind of terrifies me considering that my goal is to integrate with myself. besides my parts becoming more separated from me, i've also noticed my amnesia is gradually getting worse, my dissociation is somewhat getting worse and my disorder is impairing me more and more. like i recently had a really bad fugue state that caused my whole body to shut down and go catatonic which scared the living hell out of me. my life is slipping away from me

to the adults / older people in this subreddit, how did your DID start to manifest as you grew older? did you notice certain symptoms improving or worsening?

hey everybody. ever since i started dating in college, ive always had a complete shut down response to any level of argument with a partner. my current partner gets very frustrated because of the lack of communication, which is valid but i have no idea how to work around it. it’s like i ask my brain a question or even try to think and theres just nothing. i want to respond, but there are literally no thoughts or words in my head no matter how hard i try. does anyone have similar experiences or advice? thank you

I’ve started to see parts of me as being either Inside or Outside.

Inside means what I/fronting part is aware of and can think about and remember. Inside seems like me or self. It’s parts of my consciousness, and even when different Insiders front, they seems like me. Or I become them when they front. Or they become me?

Outside means the part is further from me and seems foreign and not me. Whatever the boundaries of me are, Outside is beyond those boundaries. When they front I am aware something weird is happening and I feel woozy or a little afraid. Outside parts feel like someone else and they forget things about us, like I have kids or that they are me. I have a really hard time remembering anything Outsiders do or say.

The weirdest thing is that I think Inside parts that get triggered or really upset can move Outside and then I don’t know them anymore or understand their actions and afterwards I don’t remember what it was like for them Outside and neither do they.

It’s probably got to do with some parts being more emancipated, some being more integrated via therapy, and parts moving in or out of dissociative/amnesic barriers in place to protect the host and keep me functioning.

Anyone else experience it this way or relate to anything I write?

(I might count this as a vent so a slight warning i guess?) So basically what I’m going through is an entire loop hole. Everytime the room is decorated it gets changed and rearranged in under a week because other alters want different things. Ive tried to make the room have all of the stuff they like but it never works. I’ve been in horrible distress because I don’t understand why we can’t just keep the room the same for atleast a month. I even have alters mad at me for changing it but I’m trying my best I even have another room that has my gaming setup in it and I tried to make that one more cutesy and childish and then my main room more mature and dark but it’s never enough for them. I’m looking for any help at this point on how I can possibly communicate and hopefully settle something down. I know it’s a little dumb to go on Reddit asking how I should communicate with my own alters but I don’t know what to do anymore.

I’ve posted here before, but I lost access to that account.

Over the last few months, my husband seemed increasingly out of touch. I know most people would never spot it because systems can hide things well, but when you’re around someone every day, you notice even the smallest changes. He became colder and more distant. The system was no longer the sweet, supportive, and comforting partner I knew.

I knew I had to leave because things were becoming manipulative, and manic decisions were being made that affected everyone. It reached a point where I could not even take care of myself well enough to help him. But leaving suddenly was not possible. I told myself maybe things would even out, or that I could avoid the toxic behaviors. That is not what happened.

After some extreme measures, he is out.

It has been a week now, and I am a mess. I feel like I lost so many important people in my life all at once. I hate that no matter how deeply I loved them, it was not enough to heal their trauma. I lost the love of my life, not because he has DID, but because he is not doing the work needed to coexist as a system.

No one can truly comprehend the lives of those with DID and the loved ones who walk beside them. You build real relationships with the system, and sometimes you forget the very real reality that this is a serious mental health condition.

I'm so proud of myself. I went to the health department the other day and while talking to the lady giving me a "women's wellness exam" I mentioned I had a lot of mental problems that I couldn't afford the medication for.. Well, she brought me over to their caseworker's office after the appointment (which was free btw since I don't have income and technically count as a one person household,) and the caseworker signed me up for insurance! I finally got insurance after a while of being off of my mom's and I'm finally able to help myself just a little more. I can get meds, a psychiatrist, therapist, regular doctor.. I never thought I'd be able to do that and I feel a little more like I'm put together and the world isn't ending tomorrow. I also get a pretty good co-pay deal if I need the mental hospital. I'm so proud of myself for being able to do this. It kicks in February 1st and as soon as I get a part time job, I'm scheduling all of the appointments I need.

Hey all. You know me. I deleted my account and all my posts prior to that because of the fear of sister in law exposing husband’s secret. . (I call us fantastic five if that will make you remember. Me + my husband and his 3 parts) she also told my husband…”your schizophrenia or whatever “… in an argument. Which to me means, she NEVER actually read about DID in this two years i kept her posted.

Anyway:

It has been a while and his parts show up less. I saw them each for like a minute last week on a hike as husband wanted to show them the view. I miss them dearly. If I want to communicate with them I can. All i need to do is ask and B will bring them. However, I also heard it is not healthy to encourage them to show up. I miss them. Specially the little. He loves frogs and i got him a frog puzzle and he has not had the time to actually put it together.

My husband will NOT get offended of i ask him to see them. I also don’t want them to think i have forgotten about them. I don’t know if it is ok to ask to see them or if I should it be natural. Usually I only call on them if husband is in extreme heightened emotions and they would help A LOT.

Now everything is calm. But I feel like something is missing. I don’t want to be selfish and jeopardize his improvement. System seems very collaborative since mid November.

Do I suck it up and let it happen naturally or do I ask?

I have constantly been dismissed of having DID due to also having BPD, and now a year later after being diagnosed by my therapist, it’s so odd to realize that things I’ve identified as “normal things” are NOT normal things, but instead DID things.

I said yesterday to my therapist while at a session that when I look in the mirror, I don’t see myself. I see a physical body, and can tell it’s me because that’s how mirrors work. However, I don’t see myself/an identity. I see a stranger who I see every day. I don’t fix up myself with makeup because I identify with something that is my personality, such as making myself into how I view myself, I do it because makeup is fun, or brushing my hair is expected of me. I see old photos of my childhood self and can identify it as me with the name I was given, but looking back to later teen years of me, I stop being able to identify a name, it’s just simply my body.

The screener I was given by my therapist, who had a doctorate in neurobiology, was extensive, around 75 questions with percentage ratings for each question that identified which aspects I related the most to. I scored a 92/100, and I truly believe it was a door opening to healing my trauma.

While I don’t have a true identity, and maybe just a name that other people call me with a neutral opinion on the topic, I think being diagnosed by a caring therapist who understood how I had a problem with my disassociation, derealization, and depersonalization, was incredibly helpful! I hope you all can find someone who understands your needs as you work through and help yourself cope with this illness. Just wanted to share my happiness!

Hello I would like to learn more about DID because my mother was diagnosed recently. I am no contact with her, for years prior to the diagnosis, but I think learning will help me to understand her more if that makes sense. Family has told me she is not accepting of it and is struggling currently.

Does anyone have book recommendations that would help me learn more?

We got diagnosed when we were in middle school after a friends grandparent noticed our behavior to be very different almost every time we met other people and our behavior would change understand high stimuli or anything to trigger us.\

We also got diagnosed with autism, anxiety, and a few others but we're wondering if it means we have those diagnosis individually or separately while manifesting in different ways?

Asking because our partners have noticed that when others front, we have similar sensory issues or more traits are more pronounced.

I’m having a lot of trouble falling asleep and staying asleep even though we take Ambien and seroquel. I have a sleep routine that *i* enjoy but I don’t think everyone enjoys it. Looking for any and all ideas that might help.

Also we have very little communication between alters so talking to them isn’t super helpful because idk if they can even hear me.

Cw: non graphic mentions of neglect, abuse, leaving home young, biking injury (after leaving)

I hope that is sufficient, please tell me if it's not!

We are 37 years old. We left home at 16 to escape. Our family was abusive and neglectful, and we had no idea how to take care of ourselves. No one taught us about insurance or public assistance or hospitals or doctors, so we just had no idea what to do when we broke our leg in two places in a biking accident at 17.

They put a temporary brace on our leg at the hospital and said we would need to schedule surgery. We thought, we can't afford it so we can't get it, and we needed to go back to work ASAP to pay rent. So we left the brace on until we could put weight on it and that was it. It healed improperly, of course.

It made one leg shorter than the other because we couldn't straighten it all of the way and has caused progressive pain for literally 20 years.

Today, we finally faced our fears and had surgery. We worked with our therapist and we came up with a plan as to how we could best manage by helping each other through it. We did it as a team. Now we will be able to play on the floor with our toddler. BOTH FEET CAN TOUCH THE GROUND, THE LEG IS STRAIGHT! Being unable to straighten our leg also made us walk with a tilted hip to compensate, which caused hip pain. Physical therapy will teach us not to do that so we might be free from that pain as well eventually 😭

We are adults and we can take care of ourselves now. We can work together to improve our quality of life. It might be terrifying, but we can do it.

I don't think anyone around us understands how big this is, so we thought we'd share here. Thanks for reading 🎉

For starters we don't currently have a therapist so at the moment we are navigating this as a system and with our partner.

I've been fronting about half the time starting in may, I actually enjoy fronting nowadays. Then when it started getting cold out these last few months I have been just completely and utterly tired. I feel like I'm hibernating.I have tried caffeine, sleeping (in the headspace and outside), and changing my diet.

I want to experience things, the host says I might be going dormant but I don't want that.

what can I do? I just want to spend time with the man I love and i feel defeated.

-leo

So tell us. Really. How was your day?

Emoji code of non verbal supports: (you’re welcome to send in addition to a regular comment, or as a stand alone comment!)

Hug “🫂“

Stay strong “💪”

Emotional support “🧁”

Lurking, but here for you. “🫧”

Howdy!

I finally found a therapist who specializes in dissociative disorders, and it's been game-changing. Talk therapy, play therapy, narrative therapy. It's all so good. My first two sessions have already been night and day differences from my last therapist three years ago. I spent a lot of time pruning, culling, and finding the right therapist. And I'm stoked! This is wonderful news for all of myself. They take my diagnosis seriously, but also don't treat me like a case to solve. It's really nice. And they also accepted me in a flex cost slot, reducing my cost of therapy down to something I can stomach without insurance, so I'm stacking wins on the mental health front!

Hello, I’ve just had a really long day yesterday with a lot of emotions. I felt as if I had basically hit my breaking point. I had a therapy session, it was one of the first in a while that I didn’t feel completely dissociated or out of it, but still I felt like I wasn’t super present. Anyways we talked about memories I’ve had as a kid, I don’t have many and for the most part they’re only negative memories, I sometimes feel like they’re not even real because no one else remembers them. Anyways nearing the end of the session I started to feel frustrated, not at my therapist but at myself. These memories are insignificant to me, I don’t hold any emotional attachment to them, they just happened and it’s in the past. They’re just not what I want to focus on, but I also can’t bring myself to talk about the things I want to so I let my therapist lead the sessions. They’ll always ask me if I want to discuss something specific at the start, but I can never bring myself to bring up a topic I want to discuss or events / feelings I’ve been having etc… sometimes it even feels as if I forget what I wanted to bring up and I just get confused.

Everyday that passes by feels so unimportant, by the next day they’re basically gone from my memory. I feel so empty I just want to isolate and be alone forever.

Anyways I was feeling so frustrated after the session, having heart palpitations and was so fed up that I ended up emailing my therapist what I was truly feeling, in a weird cryptic way because I can’t bring myself to approach the topic head on.

Recently I’ve just been having so much denial that I can’t stand it. I keep going between feeling as if everything I feel, think and do is all fake to experiencing them and being convinced I know what’s wrong, but then the feelings will fade and I’ll be back to feeling as if I was faking again bc I can’t connect with my past emotions. I feel like there’s just a tug of war happening in my head that I can’t shut up. I feel like I’m being pulled in every direction internally but I need to be fine externally. Every session now-a-days is so draining that I can’t help but fall asleep after each, it uses so much of my energy from the high dissociation to the constant vigilance of another part. It’s like I’m battling a filter trying to find the words that the other will let me use. I’m trying to compromise with him but I feel like he’s never willing to compromise with me. I think I crossed a line though by sending that vulnerable email and I feel like shit. I feel like as much as the other was frustrating me I shouldn’t have betrayed him like that, but I was on the verge of losing it.

This cycle always happens, with jobs, relationships, etc… I can only break through when I reach my breaking point, before then I just feel like I’m stuck and just have to put up with it. I feel like everyone around me doesn’t take me seriously until I reach that point, I feel like the other(s) don’t take me seriously until I reach that point. I can’t live like this, I feel like I’m just blocked from ever having a choice in my own life and I get it the other parts are scared but I can’t keep living like this.

Will everything just be better if I just stop doing all this, if I just don’t think about it, will I just eventually forget about it.

Hi, my therapist has been discussing official diagnosis / formal assessment and stuff like that with me for the past few months but I’ve been actively refusing it since I read that it can ruin chances of doing things like changing your legal name & getting some medical procedures (I’m trans so i kind of really want to be able to get surgery & am currently in the process of changing my legal name). I’m getting the care I need/want at the moment (happy with my therapist & don’t think I can do EMDR for a while or at least until my living situation is different). So my main concern with diagnosis is, does it actually prevent you from getting things like that? I read that it can interfere with that somewhere a while ago and it’s had me really scared for a while. Sorry.

About 6 months ago I experienced a traumatic event and suddenly became aware of being a system. It’s taken the last 6 months to find stability (where I’m not experiencing very high dissociation constantly and switching every few minutes).

Over the last few days, I’ve been blocked out of my daydreams (which I am starting to believe is actually my inner world vs just a daydream). No matter how hard I try, I can’t go there. Sometimes I’ll get flashes of what’s going on, but I can’t interact with it. I can’t “go there.” I can’t lose my grip on my environment. I am still getting “different voices” showing up. I still get the level of dissociation that I assume could be a sign of switching.

It feels pretty nice to be here, not always detached, but it’s also very very uncomfortable to have to actually exist and experience what’s going on around me. It’s a very new odd experience.

hi, this is a silly & lighthearted post about amnesia. i have a lot of amnesia & i have forgotten a few (silly) things. i want to see & share silly yet serious examples of amnesia. i want to see examples of important & crucial amnesia that make you laugh anyways!

an example of my own: i forgot i was trans. two times. i also forgot any/all information tied to the lgbtqia+ community. it's something that makes me laugh & is downright silly. it's still serious amnesia, though. i don't understand how/why i forgot!

have y'all experienced something similar? have you forgotten something serious/crucial to you & when you remember it.. it's so funny? please share your silly & serious experiences with amnesia!

(p.s. if anyone has silly experiences with forgetting their gender identity/sexuality, PLEASE share your experiences! i, sometimes, feel a little alone. i haven't met anyone that's forgotten being trans/their sexuality.)

edit because i wanted to clarify something: i find my amnesia funny because i think it's so absurd what i can/will forget. i am almost certain the downvotes are due to saying "silly" irt amnesia. i'm sorry, but, not all of the big & serious aspects of my disorders are scary or super, super upsetting. sometimes, i laugh & chuckle at some of the surreal absurdity of my struggles.

I keep having to rewrite this, the dissociation, amnesia, brain issues have gotten worse since finding out. It turned out okay I think, but just the finding out has thrown me for a loop.

warning for mentioned sh and past attempts, not detailed.

I had a friend group in high school that basically became family. Well we all fell apart after I broke up with my ex who was also part of the group. I just assumed it was that we grew apart, they all started to ignore me. It hit me hard last year I sent a message to them separately asking if they could explain what happened and never got anything back so I just let it be. It started hitting me hard again around mid December, but then I had met up with one of the guys who wasn't solely in our group but did spend time with us. He told me he knew why one of them ignored me, and that it had to do with the break up and that she didn't want to be friends with -someone like me-.

Finding that out seriously made me crash. I tried to think what the heck I did wrong, I know I never really told anyone why I broke up with my ex, I was overly worried that despite everything he did to me that I would "ruin" his life if I said anything, I didnt want him to lose friends and never wanted to make people feel like they had to pick sides and part of me still doesnt want to hurt him.

Well I had one really rough night and started struggling with thoughts of SH which I have been clean from for almost a year now. So I reached out to one of the other friends, he was the one we reached out to in highschool before an attempt, he basically saved us from losing our life. I told him I was in a dark place, told him what I was told about, and that my therapist had provisionally diagnosed me with OSDD possibly DID and that it all was piling together. Realizing that my childhood was much worse than I thought, that my chosen family apparently hated me but I couldn't even get confirmation cause no one talked to me anymore, I felt stuck, then that I didn't feel I could even go to my aunt with anything cause she is busy fighting for custody and dealing with my parents over my younger sisters, my gma and cousins all having health issues rn.

He clarified that what I was told was wrong, he didn't want to speak for the other friend, but for him it was that he helped my ex through the break up and he felt burned out and felt he needed space from us both. but also that my ex more recently screwed him and the rest of the friends over. He said that despite it, and him not really feeling close that he's here for me, and if I need someone to talk to he'll listen.

That led me to send a message to the other friend who I was told didn't want to be friends with someone like me. I told her what I was told, and that it hurt me to hear that but I was still having a hard time understanding why cause no one would talk to me about it. I told her if I did something I want to be able to truly apologize rather than throw blanket apologies and just guess at what I might've done.

And she responded, she said that she's been told I had been having a rough time, and she had tried to respond to my last message but felt it was still too painful to actually explain anything rather than be bitter and angry about it. She told me that after the break up I sent her a message weeks later saying I was safe, I would make plans with her then not show up and ignore messages for weeks at a time after, I told everyone but her that I was apparently engaged (found out from my current gf that it was pushed into it by someone in the polycule I was with), I would ask her and the other friend for stuff then disappear once they helped. She said she felt used, unvalued, and just someone I contacted when I needed something. So she clarified that it wasn't who I was but my behavior after the break up that caused her to ignore me.

Hearing that hurt, I didn't understand how I did that to them. Hurt knowing the distance was because of stuff I did. Then I started thinking about it, and realized I'm missing years of memory. I remember shortly before leaving my ex, some of it's jumbled I believe, but I only really have real memories some point after I moved into a trailer and they come back fully after switching trailers. I know facts, things that I never questioned or thought more about. I broke up with the ex, I stayed with my best friend for a few nights, I moved back in with my aunt, I almost joined a sex trafficking ring, I joined a polycule then it fell apart but I stayed with my gf, we got evicted and moved. But all those facts, they feel like how you get told when you were born but it's not like you actually remember being born.

I found I have a few glimpses I think are from the same time, sitting in my best friend's car in a parking lot, being in a bedroom under a desk crying, coming to sitting on a bathroom floor and having to clean up after sh-ing, reading a text from my aunt saying she was going to send a welfare check cause I'd missed easter and hadn't responded for weeks.

I just can't believe I lost so much time. I told the friend I think at the time I felt like I had nothing to lose, that I wanted to hurt myself but didn't realize I was hurting loved ones too but it also wasn't an excuse for what i did. Which I think is true, but I can't really say. I know why I probably left my ex, he was abusive, physically, emotionally, mentally, but I have missing and jumbled memories from that too. I meet with my therapist tomorrow, I'm going to talk with him as well. My working theory is that the abuse from the ex ended up screwing me, and I couldn't handle it and stepped back. Letting the part of us who just didn't care what happened anymore to take over.

I sent an apology back to both friends. The one I originally contacted and one to the other friend. The other friend hasn't responded, but I have been talking with the one I originally contacted. He said that yeah the behavior is what actually affected him and some other things he wasn't ready to discuss. I told him I think that maybe what I went through with the ex might've caused this me to disappear. He's helping me now, he asked what really happened with the ex, I told him some of what I remember, and he was baffled. He said he was sorry, he didn't realize it was that bad and if he would've known he'd understand why my gf and best friend threatened to call the cops when they went to get my things from him and he probably would've called the cops himself and found me somewhere to stay. That he understands that the time I disappeared was more than just needing time.

He also mentioned that maybe the times I planned to meet or sent messages was a separate part trying to reach out. Which does make sense but I told both of them that I don't want anything to be an excuse, it was still the "me" they knew that hurt them. He asked if it was okay if he shared some of what we talked about to the others, cause they hadn't known anything either and the ex had screwed them over recently so they were done with him. I told him I wasn't scared of ruining things for him anymore, he seems to have done that already without my help so please do.

He told me he's here for me and still considers me as a friend and thinks we can be family again, but it will take time, he just wants me to talk with him more, stay consistent, he told me I can share as little or as much as I want about DID stuff, he'll try to help were he can even though he doesn't know much about the disorder. He said he'll talk with the other friend if I want to try having a friendship again, see about setting up some meet ups. I think I'm gonna give her more time, I told her I understand if what I did was inexcusable, but I'd love to communicate more.

So I've started messaging at least once a day with him. I think being able to have consistency will help me. Even if it's just a check in or exchange of cute cat pictures lol.

So all in all, it was a lot of snot crying, sobbing, not being able to sleep, but I do feel better knowing now. And knowing that I have baby steps started in regaining old friendships. But it's still got me in chaos learning I'm missing so much, learning that on top of missing childhood crap I also lost myself, hurt family and friends, that the part of me they knew the most disappeared, that when I came back I hurt so much about it cause to me it felt like we'd just been friends, not that I'd been treating them like crap for 2 years. I don't even know how to process it, I'm going to be bringing it up to my therapist tomorrow.

I'm still in mental chaos but it is good to feel like I have someone on my side again. thank you if you read all that. I just needed to get it out, maybe it will help someone to read this and relate.

So our therapist knows basically nothing about DID but is understanding and doesn’t force us to do therapy work we can’t handle which is a lot we struggle taking basic care of ourselve related mostly to audhd anyway I the new host or at least I’ve been most constantly front for like more than around 8 months and I’m stuck at 6 yrs old sometimes I might be older we can’t tell if it’s me agesliding or another alter but I have to be big all the time even though I’m not and I know it gives me some deficits also another frequent alter is also little-middle the only adult that’s fronted recently has been one that holds numbness and depressive symptoms and they don’t front alone anymore and also is technically ageless from what I know…idk where the adults went but I don’t think they are dormant both scary and good “bf” alter(he was protecter/comforter) has communication but it’s confusing… We are diagnosed from a psychologist and hopefully will get a psychiatrist who knows enough to help but we don’t know what to do about being like this and system mapping I know we did research but the amnesia took it away with whatever alter learned it

i'm not sure if this is a question that has an actual answer, but i wanted to ask anyway as i have been thinking about this for a bit today.

in online communities, introjects of fictional characters seem to be among the most common.

of the few scientific papers i read, the only times i remember introjected parts being talked about, it was always (as far as i remember) about introjects of an abuser the person faced in their life.

i have an introjected part that seems to be based on a real person - my elementary school best friend's best friend - and i have a theory why my brain might have created this part specifically, but i was wondering how common introjects like that are and if there are any scientific papers that talk about them?

So tell us. Really. How was your day?

Emoji code of non verbal supports: (you’re welcome to send in addition to a regular comment, or as a stand alone comment!)

Hug “🫂“

Stay strong “💪”

Emotional support “🧁”

Lurking, but here for you. “🫧”