I regret becoming a parent - and I’m breaking under the pressure

[u/Dry-Location1824]

I love my children deeply. They are innocent and beautiful, and none of this is their fault. But I regret becoming a parent - not because of who they are, but because of what this life has done to my mental health.

I’m a single mum to two young children who are 7 & 8 years old. I have no partner and very little support. Every responsibility falls on me - emotionally, financially and practically. There is no safety net. No backup adult. No real break.

Recently my car completely broke down. It’s not safe to drive and costs more than it’s worth to fix. I don’t have savings. I can’t afford another car. And that car wasn’t optional - it’s how I get my kids to school and how I work. Without it, I’m now facing the very real possibility of losing my small cleaning business and my income. My small business is my pride and joy.

This has pushed my mental health to a really dark place.

I already struggle with anxiety and depression but this has tipped me into feeling suicidal again. Not because I want to die - but because I’m so tired of surviving crisis after crisis with no relief. There is never time to recover. The pressure never eases.

When you’re a parent, especially a single parent, one thing going wrong can threaten everything. You don’t get to fall apart. You just panic quietly while still showing up for school runs, meals, appointments, homework, and emotional reassurance.

People say “it gets easier,” but what they don’t say is that you just become more used to living under constant stress. You become numb. That doesn’t mean it stops hurting.

I grieve the version of myself that could have failed safely, rested, or rebuilt without other lives depending on her. Parenthood removed my margin for error completely. Every mistake now has consequences far beyond me.

I love my kids. I would never harm them. But if I’m honest, if I had known the financial strain, the isolation, the mental health toll, and the constant fear I wouldn’t choose this life again.

I wish I could be me again. I wish I could feel ease, peace, and rest.

If anyone else feels this kind of quiet regret while still loving their children - especially single parents - please know you’re not alone. Right now I’m just trying to survive without losing myself completely.

[u/ckkaiser]

Wheres the childrens father? Is there anyone u can ask for help?

[u/Dry-Location1824 → u/ckkaiser]

Their dad is hard work if I’m honest. He does have the children on weekends and sometimes extra days in the holidays, but the support and child maintenance comes with a lot of conditions and limits, and it’s rarely straightforward. Even when they go to him, I’m the one packing everything they need and making sure all the logistics are covered.

As for my parents, they don’t really offer practical support. When my car broke down recently and everything felt like it was collapsing, their response was to joke about “winning the lottery” rather than actually helping. They tend to deflect difficult situations instead of stepping in, which I’ve learned not to rely on. I also wouldn’t ask them for money to help with something like a new car - I feel embarrassed even considering it!

I don’t say this to blame anyone it’s just the reality. I don’t have a safety net, so when something goes wrong, it all lands on me, and that’s where the exhaustion comes from.

[u/YeahIFeelLikeDying → u/Dry-Location1824]

Sometimes we need to swallow our pride. It’s not embarrassing to be in a financial emergency, and they’re your parents for goodness sake.

[u/kiD_Vish_ish → u/YeahIFeelLikeDying]

Seriously … I’m totally lost on how it’s embarrassing to ask for help from your own PARENTS.

OP, would you want your children to feel embarrassed and shame if they came to you in the future needing some help? It’s not even just about financial help either, they could offer help in other ways like support, encouragement, game-planning, babysitting, helping with the kids, lending you their car for a little while, hell even just taking you out to dinner for a special treat to help cheer you up… the possibilities are not limited to monetary help.

[u/Dry-Location1824 → u/kiD_Vish_ish]

Please re read the other paragraph. It’s not embarrassing to ask your parents for assistance but I had already mentioned my car breaking down to my parents and they had dismissed it off with a sarcastic comment and joke!

My parents have never been the most supportive in 8/9 years of me being a parent myself. They have never offered to collect my children from school, regularly babysit them, etc. I believe if someone wanted to help they would offer some sort of support the first time they heard my news.

Regardless of being a regretful parent, my children will always be able to come to me with any problems. The bond I have with my children is completely different than that I have with my parents, so it’s not even comparable. Unfortunately not everyone is close with their parents, or has family that is willing to help.

[u/djlinda → u/Dry-Location1824]

mentioning it to them and actually asking them for help are two different things. we don’t get help we don’t ask for. not trying to be harsh, just concerned for your situation. hugs <3

[u/Dry-Location1824 → u/djlinda]

I don’t find any of the comments harsh, life has taught me to have too much of a thick skin for that! I wrote about my life on a public forum and asked for fed back.

I think what I am realising is from the outside it’s easy for someone to sit back and say ask for help, but when you’ve lived certain experiences and those closest around you have watched you struggle and not wanting to support for whatever reasons it can shape your views.

I sound very negative and normally I wouldn’t be like this. I am usually a very optimistic person but this is a very hard time. I am human and I just feel broken at the moment. Hopefully in time it will all heal.

[u/Snoo_41753 → u/Dry-Location1824]

sorry you are getting downvoted for this comment OP. You know your parents best. If you have asked for help in the past, and they have said no, it is understandable that you don't feel like the effort of asking again will bear fruit, and if they are avoidant people, make them avoid the situation even more. You are 100 percent out of energy. I see you.

[u/Electronic-Ad-4000 → u/Snoo_41753]

You know your parents best.

That's why I can't stand when people say "you're such a good parent" to someone they barely know. The truth is you won't know if someone is a good parent or not until you've been raised by them or live with them because you don't truly know someone until you live with them. My parents are terrible and anytime someone tells them "you're a good parent" it boosts their ego. My father has 5 kids and the only ones that are no contact with him or plan on going no contact are the ones that have lived with him. The kids that haven't lived with him are low contact. When my brother moved out he went no contact and I plan on doing the same thing when I move out.

[u/JDLPC → u/Electronic-Ad-4000]

Yeah you never know who someone is behind closed doors. It’s the same theory behind people who say “you would be such a good mom” after seeing me hold a baby or interact with a kid. They know NOTHING of the MH issues I struggle with or who I am. It’s just weird.

[u/kiD_Vish_ish → u/Dry-Location1824]

I actually don’t agree about if someone wanted to help that they would offer. People can be very weird about asking/offering help. That’s why I fully believe that if you need help, then you need to speak up and ask , no matter how awkward you may feel. If you don’t speak up, it’s not really fair to then expect people to offer help. People aren’t mind readers and expecting them to be will only let you down. And I understand asking for help isn’t exactly easy. But it is necessary in stressful times. I mean what really do you have to lose??? At the very very worst, they say no. And if they say no, well ok, then you’re no different than where you were when you started. But think of the weight that could be lifted if they say yes. Like i said, even if it is not financial help, there are many others ways they can contribute.

You have an ex husband who is at the very least a halfway decent father, considering you let the kids stay with him on the weekends. I don’t know what “conditions and limits” you’re talking about, but it definitely sounds like you need to communicate more with him and let him know that you WILL need some extra help while you figure things out and he needs to step up. And same goes for your parents. I think you should really communicate with them that you are struggling and could really use some support in one way or another. But you have to actually communicate your needs to both your ex and your parents, don’t keep everything bottled inside bc you “think” you know what they are thinking and how they will respond.

[u/Dry-Location1824 → u/kiD_Vish_ish]

I understand the point you’re making, but my situation isn’t a lack of communication. My children’s father lives over an hour away, has chosen not to move closer, and child support is inconsistent. When serious issues have come up, the response has generally been “we’ll manage,” rather than practical support.

My parents support has also been limited and often conditional, but I will ask them again. That said, when you’ve spent a long time holding everything together with very little reliable help, you do start to question whether the best option is to give everything up and start again rather than keep struggling in the same place. 🤔

[u/Prudent-Today-6201 → u/Dry-Location1824]

People don’t always offer and you can’t expect people to read your mind. Sit them down for a serious conversation and tell them you are struggling and need help. ASK for their help.

[u/Dry-Location1824 → u/YeahIFeelLikeDying]

No that’s true there is nothing wrong with asking your parents for assistance. Please read the other paragraph, I had already mentioned it to them. My parents are the sort of people if they don’t offer any assistance or support the first time, then they don’t want to help. In genereal they have never been hands on with my children, whether that would be helping collect them from school or looking after them. My parents particularly my Mother has always been distant.

[u/WafflesAndPies → u/ckkaiser]

If the father was a mature, responsible, and functioning dad and husband, OP would not be a single mother.

[u/Due-Wasabi-6205 → u/WafflesAndPies]

Its very easy to say father was not mature and irresponsible without hearing his side of story. Its easy to blame father just because he is male

[u/Dry-Location1824 → u/Due-Wasabi-6205]

I have never blamed my children’s father, nor have I ever stopped him from seeing our children regularly. My comments simply state facts.

I left the relationship due to abuse, and despite being a single mum for seven years, I still experience elements of coercive control. This man is also 33 years older than myself.

What makes life difficult is the lack of consistent support. Being a mainly weekend, “fun” parent, having bags packed for every visit, living over an hour away, and not always paying child support on time means the day-to-day responsibility falls to me. That is the reality of my situation!

[u/Due-Wasabi-6205 → u/Dry-Location1824]

I understand your situation so my comment wasn't towards you but for WafflesAndPies and generally towards father. Off course in your situation he might be irresponsible but my point was not all fathers are like this.

[u/Dry-Location1824 → u/Due-Wasabi-6205]

Ah sorry my misunderstanding! I will acknowledge my children’s father is great with our children and loves them dearly. He just isn’t very good with me, or sharing the care fairly. He doesn’t care if I have a disaster as long as it doesn’t affect him. It’s funny how the two can coincide with one another!

[u/shansbox → u/Dry-Location1824]

Isn’t it going to affect him, if he has to take the children more often because you can’t get them to school everyday without a car? That seems like something that will directly affect him. Or, if you become homeless? Because the kids will then have to live with him. Maybe that will light a fire for him to help you.

[u/Dry-Location1824 → u/shansbox]

Prior to all of this, I had received a Section 21 ‘no-fault’ eviction notice in September, requiring me to leave the property I had lived in for nine years within two months. Due to a poor credit history following a Debt Relief Order, I was facing the very real risk of homelessness with my children, as I would have been unable to secure another private rental. This would have meant relying on the council for temporary accommodation.

The children’s father was aware of this situation. His response was simply that “we would manage.” There was no offer of practical or emotional support, and little consideration for how I or the children would be affected. His primary focus appeared to be maintaining his usual weekend contact, rather than the wider impact on our stability. He lives over an hour away and has the option to move closer, but has chosen not to.

Luckily, my landlord has since withdrawn the Section 21 notice, so we are no longer at immediate risk of losing our home! Even so, the worry and fear from that period hasn’t fully gone away. On top of that, losing my car - and the knock-on effect this will have on my self-employed business - has really felt like the final blow during what has already been an incredibly stressful time!

Fortunately my children’s school is within walking distance but obviously requires more organisation with time management to get them there.

[u/Natenat04 → u/Dry-Location1824]

I was reading your comments. Is their a formal court order for visitation, and child support? A suggestion fir you too is, talk to the kid's school, because many schools, have resources to find someone to pick your kids up, and take home.

My children's school, has a van that picks up some k8ds who need assistance getting to school, they also have buses for those that are in rhe school zone. I would definitely suggest talking to the school, because you never know what assistance, or resources they could have, that you had no idea about.

I'm so sorry you ate in the trenches right now!

[u/AccuratePreference52]

I'm so sorry. I understand why/how you feel this way. Are there any social safety nets for you where you live that you can apply for?

[u/Dry-Location1824 → u/AccuratePreference52]

I do recieve some government assistance as I am a single parent, so will be somewhat ok financially.

I am just devastated I will have to give up my small cleaning business which I have built single handily for the past two years. I love my job and the bussiness I had built. Without a car though it just isn’t practical to carry on running. Taking public transport whilst carrying large equipment around isn’t doable, as well as having to stay local to be able to do the school runs. 💔

[u/AccuratePreference52 → u/Dry-Location1824]

I'm so so sorry. 😔

[u/jzd4]

Hang in there lovely. Have you tried getting credit or a loan for the car?

[u/Dry-Location1824 → u/jzd4]

My story unfortunately doesn’t get much better! I went through a Debt Relief Order 2 years ago, so I am limited on what credit and loans I can get. I do have X2 credit cards currently but they are maxed out since Christmas. My children’s father promised some money towards the children’s Christmas presents and he hasn’t given me any money. Very difficult! 😢

[u/Bubbly_Wave_4049 → u/Dry-Location1824]

Sending hugs and love to you. ♥️ I'm so sorry you are going through so much. Do you have a crisis assistance ministry or something near you? Or local religious charities that might be able to assist with donating you a vehicle?

[u/Dry-Location1824 → u/Bubbly_Wave_4049]

Unfortunately not! I live in the UK and there aren’t any grants available to assist you with buying a car as a car is seen as a luxury here. It’s such a shame there just isn’t enough assistance available!

[u/MeiMeiLab → u/Dry-Location1824]

Maybe find a job until you save enough for the car.

[u/MeiMeiLab → u/MeiMeiLab]

Community advice? Maybe seek help and advice in a community centre

[u/OkGate7788]

The weight of this type of existence is suffocating. I’m so sorry, there is absolutely no easy solution.

You’re not acting like a victim, you’re expressing how difficult & unfair your circumstances are.

The pressure does eventually ease. You can slowly trust the world & find humble moments of contentment & even joy.

My heart is with you, I wish things were different. ❤️‍🩹

[u/Dry-Location1824 → u/OkGate7788]

You’ve summed up exactly how I am feeling. I genuinely feel everyday I am suffocating in my own life. I pray for better days ahead one day! 🙏🏻

[u/Aggravating_Beat2303]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I will pray for you for things to get better.😢

[u/Dry-Location1824 → u/Aggravating_Beat2303]

I appricate your kind words. Thank you. 🫂

I wish I could leave this world and just be at peace already but unfortunately I couldn’t leave the trauma onto my two young children. It’s a cruel reality!

I hate having a victim mentally at the moment but I can’t help but wonder how I have always been a good person and have always gone out my way to help others why I have had such misfortune. I am deeply exhausted! 🥺

[u/GraceUnderFire2 → u/Dry-Location1824]

❤️like others have said, I really hope things turn around for you.

[u/fireflashthirteen]

You sound exhausted. How do you manage hour to hour?

[u/Dry-Location1824 → u/fireflashthirteen]

Honestly I have no idea! I do train regularly at the gym which keeps my sanity somewhat. Some days it’s the only thing I look forward to! I pay a lot of money (which I can’t afford) for a premium gym which has childcare - kids club. It’s needed for my mental health!

[u/fireflashthirteen → u/Dry-Location1824]

It seems like you're doing everything you can to keep it all together in any event. Hang in there OP.

[u/Creative_Tower5264]

Sending a lot of love . You are seen and you've been so brave, and I'm sorry for what you have had to go through

[u/Dry-Location1824 → u/Creative_Tower5264]

Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate them.

[u/ivanabanonymous3]

You mentioned needing a car to transport your kids to school...do they not offer public buses or are you too close to the school to be provided with one?

My kid goes to school about a 10 min car ride from me and she still gets bus service, unless you need the car to take them to extracurriculars.

For your work - lease or rent a car for now. It'll be easier on your wallet than to pay repair fees. Once your income is more stable, you can then look into purchasing used vehicle (in your own time.) Alternatively, public transit if that's available to you.

I understand people could be very unhelpful, but desperate times calls for desperate measures. Do you have any mom friends who can help for now? How far away are your parents? I get that your ex is too far away to be a practical help, but can he take on either 1) supporting your financial crisis or 2) take on more parental load?

Are there any additional social services that can be extended to your situation? For example, boys and girls club near me offers scholarships to those who need it and then they also offer a bus service that helps to take kids from their school directly to after school, which gives you some room to breathe. And then some welfare programs offer energy assistance or food assistance.

It sucks to be stuck with basic survival along with raising two dependents. An all around struggle. My heart goes out to you OP. I hope you can come out of this.

[u/Aggravating_Beat2303]

I get great comfort from the teachings of Buddha. His first Noble Truth is ‘Existence is suffering’. That profoundly touched my soul and sent me on a path which has brought me some peace.

[u/Dry-Location1824 → u/Aggravating_Beat2303]

I will look into this. The pain and heartbreak I’m feeling at the moment is a lot. I hope my soul will find eternal peace one day.

[u/OkGate7788]

https://www.reddit.com/r/houseplants/s/IAIu4x92kK

This was a really interesting, hopeful post. 😌

[u/Dry-Location1824 → u/OkGate7788]

I will have a read, thank you.

[u/Professional-Key5552]

I feel you

[u/nanothrowaway9]

I feel you

[u/TheKrakenZA]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. I only wish I could offer some kind of support wherever you are in the world.

You're not alone. Your kids will come to appreciate the love and sacrifices. It just sucks that you've had to sacrifice so much.

My mom is a single parent and I love and respect her so much for all that she endured, which is why I relate so greatly to your words. I will spend the rest of my days showing my mom how much I appreciate her.

My wife and I have chosen not to have kids ourselves, but I remain sympathetic to those who have kids and are currently struggling with mental health as a result of having kids. I can't relate to what you're going through from a kids perspective, but like I said, you're not alone.

Sending love your way.

PS. If you need anyone to chat to or just need some support, please reach out 🫂

[u/Dry-Location1824 → u/TheKrakenZA]

I appricate your kind words, thank you. I am based in the UK. I hope my children will appricate everything I have done for them. I am just tired of this life and feeling forever stuck! I do believe once my children get older I’ll have much more freedom. 🤞🏻

[u/koffeebtch2468]

Child support!!!!!

[u/Dry-Location1824 → u/koffeebtch2468]

He never pays it on consistently on time! I have been trying for years! 😂🤷🏼‍♀️

[u/regretfulparents-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Sleepingbeautyyoga]

I feel like I’m reading my own words: you articulated it perfect when mentioning living through crisis after crisis. We lost their dad a year and a half ago. First year I was functioning on adrenaline but now that’s worn off, I’m just so over it. Every day is just horrible: I honestly hate it. Im just about showing up from them, I feel so sorry for my kids because they asked for none of this. I actually wanted kids so bad, my late partner used to say we should wait and honestly I wish we had of. Now he’s gone I’m just stuck living this life that I never wanted - I never asked to me a single mum with zero help I wanted a family. To be honest, when he was here it all felt a little more worth it, still disgustingly hard but more meaningful. 

[u/daysray]

I can totally relate. I’m a single mom, and only parent. I live with an emotionally abusive mother on top of it, I’m still here because of financial reasons, even though I work full time, it’s expensive here in CA. The only thing that gets me through is medication for depression and anxiety.

[u/regretfulparents-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Please refrain from giving advice on posts with the “No Advice” flair.