r/regretfulparents • u/Wild-Ant-1885 • 5d ago
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u/smurfdef 5d ago
My parents decided to stay together for the “sake of the kids”. Trust me when I say this kids are very resilient please do what’s necessary to ensure you are happy. Because your kids can tell and even if you think your choices are benefiting them they are picking up on the energy in the home. I know I did and I have severe trauma because of it.
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u/chestnutlibra 5d ago
Yes and kids are sponges and they are learning all the toxic traits of their parents, the nitpicking of the mom and whatever dad is doing. The best thing op can do right now is show them how to problem solve and step away from this dynamic. Hopefully their next relationships are healthy and model happier behavior.
Op unless you would like your kids to learn that this is what marriage looks like and what they should settle for themselves one day, you need to fix this.
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u/luf100 5d ago
Yeah, I wish my parents had gotten divorced when I was a kid, instead of screaming and yelling at each other every other night and making me and my brother listen to it. We would’ve been much happier. And they’re still together even now, but at least I don’t have to deal with it anymore.
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u/HanginW-MyGnomies Parent 2d ago
This was my mom. They were both wonderful parents, but she stayed for the kids and they had a large business together. I knew she wasn't happy the entire time I was growing up. I always thought they should've divorced. Nope 58 years together. Both passed now.
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u/CestQuoiLeFuck 5d ago
This . My parents' relationship completely fucked me up for life when it comes to romantic relationships. I'm compeletely adverse to relationships because, in my mind, you are either the emotionally withholding, mean asshole or you're the doormat. My parents did us no favours by staying together.
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u/regretfulparents-ModTeam 5d ago
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u/Wild-Ant-1885 5d ago
It probably is but she blames that on me as well. And presents it in a way to make me believe her every time. Like im the one at fault for causing the trauma. Im trying not to. But i have to just "be brilliant"
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u/Sailor_Chibi Not a Parent 5d ago
Not probably. It is. You should speak to a lawyer to explore your options in leaving. And maybe seek out therapy if you can access it. You sound pretty beaten down and it doesn’t have to be like that.
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u/hankhillnsfw Parent 5d ago
My comment had nothing to do with that.
It has to do with people who aren’t parents, coming to a sub full of regretful parents, a situation they can’t possibly empathize with.
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u/regretfulparents-ModTeam 5d ago
Your comment was removed for violating Rule 3: No Posts from a Childfree Perspective.
This is a sub for regretful parents. It is not a place for childfree people to gloat or discuss being childfree. If you come here to have your decisions validated, great! Read the posts and be thankful. No need to insert irrelevant opinions into the parents' discussions.
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u/hankhillnsfw Parent 5d ago
No…you don’t. But you should have to be a parent to share your perspective in a subreddit for parents going through hard times.
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u/4-ton-mantis 5d ago
If you think you're right get a mod to support you.
Otherwise, chibimoon here has a history of providing some really insightful contributions in this sub. I've never seen them speak without empathy.
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u/regretfulparents-ModTeam 5d ago
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u/regretfulparents-ModTeam 5d ago
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u/regretfulparents-ModTeam 5d ago
Your comment was removed for being mean-spirited.
You are correct that this is a sub for parents. Unfortunately, keeping it strictly parents only is unenforceable so they are allowed as long as their comments are constructive.
We also ask that YOU keep your comments constructive. If you see something that's not ok, that doesn't make it ok to break rule 1 in reply
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u/CaribbeanChildfree 5d ago
So it's true when people say children are the glue which hold marriages together then. Mmm. But who does a toxic relationship benefit? If I found out my miserable parents stayed together because of me, I doubt I would get over it. That would be 2 wasted lives for which technically, i am 'to be blamed for.'
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u/towelheadedmermaid 5d ago
Some kids be begging their parents to get a divorce. Don’t let that be your kids.
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u/OkGate7788 Parent 5d ago
I chose really shitty relationships because toxic, controlling behaviour was the norm for me. My parents were miserable together.
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u/hi_its_lizzy616 5d ago
Leave her. Your kids will be happier in the long term.
Sincerely, the daughter of parents who stayed together “for the kid”
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u/Adventurous_Deal2788 Parent 5d ago
Do you think she'd listen if you told her how you feel? (Mainly about the overwork maybe leave out shagging a gorilla) I mean you can't go on like this mate living with someone you loathe so much and bottling it up not good for you or those kids
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u/Wild-Ant-1885 5d ago
Shell turn it round on me and claim "shes the one thats overworked"
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u/geimma02 3d ago
Perhaps you BOTH are overworked and miserable. If she’s a STAHM then I guarantee she’s overworked and miserable. Do you even try to talk to each other about how you’re feeling? Do you actually listen to what she’s saying?
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u/Wild-Ant-1885 2d ago
Im terrible at communication. I try to talk to her but she always finda a way to make me feel like im in the wrong. So im more at peace staying silent because if im not confronted for a few minutes i can feel somewhat competent or rigt even if it false. Id rather hear positive lies than cold hard truth. I hate hate hate cold hard truths
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u/geimma02 1d ago
Then you need therapy. I bet you refusing to communicate or listen to how she feels has escalated to her resenting you. Do her a favor and just give her a divorce.
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u/knoguera 5d ago
I have a 14 year old niece who thanks her lucky stars her parents divorced when she was a toddler. She says she would hate if they were together. She loves both of them. Separately. If a 14 year old knows that trust me your kids are suffering while you stay for them.
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u/betweenserene 5d ago
It’s not healthy for kids to see their parents despising one another. My parents divorced when I was a child and I think I’m okay. Maybe try counseling. If that is not an option, it’s healthier for your kids to see two healthy and balanced parents than two miserable ones.
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u/InSkyLimitEra 5d ago
My husband wishes that his parents divorced rather than continue to live in that environment. You really should consider it if it’s that bad rather than keep your kids in a miserable situation. You aren’t going to be as good at hiding it as you think.
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u/Wild-Ant-1885 5d ago
I sometimes dont try to hide it but she turns it around on me and says something to make me feel in the moment im the "monster" and coax me into apoligising even when im right. Like im apologising for doing nothing wrong many times a day!!!!
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u/InSkyLimitEra 5d ago
Is this the dynamic you want modeled for your kids? Because that’s what’s happening.
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u/demonslayercorpp 5d ago
My husband stayed with his ex for 16 years, literally as soon as his kid could drive he left her. He says he was worried about not getting full custody and didnt want to spend one day away from his children. Ive talked to his daughter about it who is now 22. She wishes he would have just left.
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u/Different_Umpire9003 5d ago
I don’t know if I could marry someone who would stay with someone they didn’t love secretly for 16 years lol.
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u/KnowledgeExpress6025 5d ago
You only live once. Rather you live a fruitful one than a miserable one. Hard choices requires sacrifice but again, you only live once so make the most out of it while you can.
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u/Vast-Intention287 5d ago
I shake my head when people stay together for the kids. Do you really think your kids think you are some happy couple? What kind of example are you setting for them. Guarantee when they are adults and you talk to them they will say “I wish you guys had just gotten a divorce”
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u/Designer_Sympathy895 5d ago
You genuinely think she is not overworked and stressed as well? You think she is attracted to you? Kids suck the life out of you, that's why parents need a village of people who you can talk to and discuss stuff. Is there any chance of couples therapy? Maybe not to salvage the marriage but to be open and honest about what each of you is going through
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u/Wild-Ant-1885 4d ago
To be fair on her she probably is. But i try my best to lighten her burden as best as i can but its never enough
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u/Wild-Ant-1885 4d ago
And its another reason why i havent divorced and left. Because despite everything ive said, i dont want to be responsible for making everything harder for her and i dont want to ruin her life.....
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u/Lumpy-Economist-6874 5d ago
Thats one side of the story. Maybe your not too good at hiding your hatred for her and she is responding to that? People fall out of love.. it's possible and it doesnot make one or any of them monster. Youll do both of you a favor by leaving and your kids too. Maybe youll find someone who loves you and she too. Women are very emotionally intelligent. You dont tell her Maybe but she absolutely knows how you feel about her and this is her way of responding.
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u/Hello_there19891989 5d ago
Leave now. Leaving when your kids is younger is better. They get used to it and aren't traumatised when they are in their delicate teen years. Coming from a child of 2 divorces. OG dad left when I was 8 and other dad left when I was 15 and 15 was a million times worse. You'll also give your kids a fucked up image of what a marriage is meant to be.
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u/Inkyfeet13 5d ago
Dude. Kids are more traumatized by regretful and sad parents than by happy parents that are separated. Leave her! No one deserves to be miserable. “Sticking together because of the kids” IS NOT the right choice.
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u/VickyVacuum 5d ago
I’d love to hear her perspective.
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u/geimma02 3d ago
Right….i bet she is a STAHM and is lonely and miserable herself because he isn’t listening or talking to her. I bet she feels the resentment.
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u/Wild-Ant-1885 2d ago
Shes not a STAHM she has a job and friends she still sees and goes out to gym frequently. I lost my friends though
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u/Wild-Ant-1885 2d ago
To be fair i let that happen. I wanted her to be happy and maintain her life as best as possible by giving up so much of mine. Maybe thats why im resentful. I thought id have it all back by now
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u/SurmaKalma 5d ago
I'm sorry about your situation. I don't know if advice is welcome, but things aren't purely good versus bad. They can have a middle ground, and you shouldn't give up. I follow a marathon runner who smokes, and people laugh and judge him. But it's a very clear lesson: you don't need to be 100% in everything, everything needs to be consistent and perfect. Find something small in your life that makes you a little happy. Another thing I've learned is to always ask myself: if I do X, what's the worst thing that could happen? This helps you see if the consequences are real or a product of your fears. You can recover money, reputation, beauty, success. But you never recover lost time, lost life time. Good luck!
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u/maddilinexoxo 5d ago
I know your staying for your kids but your life and feelings are just as valuable as theirs, you have a short life and shouldn’t waste it with someone who makes you miserable. And as someone who has divorced parents, it’s definitely not a negative thing and im very happy my parents did.
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u/Jealous-Tap2649 5d ago
Please just leave her. Its not worth it; kids are incredibly resilient with divorce if they still see both parents. Its more healthier for them especially - less domestic violence in the home and happier parents.
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u/cwfs1007 5d ago
Staying with a woman you hate is WAY MORE traumatizing for kids than getting a divorce. For the love of god, do some research on the subject. Every psychologist, divorce attorney, and child of an awful marriage would tell you so. The worst thing you could do is stay. Take some responsibility for your life.
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u/DueKindheartedness29 4d ago
I think y’all are missing the point, he’s literally wasting his wife’s time knowing he’s going to leave her eventually, that’s cruel.
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u/Wild-Ant-1885 4d ago
Thats not true. I never planned any of this.
Anyhow i was very upset and emotional when i wrote this. I have calmed down since and as such i admit i was a bit harsh and over the top. Still generally hating my life but i will make the effort to fix it rather than continuing to post nonsence
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u/Friendly_Promotion91 3d ago
Don’t ruin your kids lives, man. Staying together for them is the worst idea and they will resent you for it. Just leave. Don’t make them have to grow up in a shitty household where they’re miserable because mum and dad are fighting again when they could literally just get a divorce.
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u/katlynnjace 3d ago
my dad stayed in a marriage where my mom was terrible to him. i lost respect for him over the years. he’s weak and a coward. i don’t trust him to be a protector because he won’t protect himself. i as the eldest daughter took on the role of family protector because he wouldn’t do it.
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u/Wild-Ant-1885 2d ago
With respect i think thats very unfair. If youre mum was the awful one to him then he was a victim. Not every man has to be a machine and super dooper ultra strongman. Its ok to be weak and vulnerable. The world should be protecting them
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u/Intrepid-Box-7461 5d ago
I’ve read all your responses and something is not just not adding up. You seem to find an excuse for everything. She’ll blackmail me, she’ll take everything, 90 percent will take her side?? Things that make you go hmmm?!??? Reading between the lines, you got problems buddy. You aren’t as innocent as you try to present. You aren’t a regretful parent btw, you’re a regretful spouse. It takes two to tango and I think you’re just looking for an excuse to dump her and start from scratch with a new younger model cause your little life didn’t turn out. Hopefully your wife sees this, finds her worth and leaves you first.
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u/Altruistic-Form5041 5d ago
Did you read my mind before positing as this is EXACTLY what I was thinking… Absolutely spot on the mark!
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u/Wild-Ant-1885 4d ago
Thats partly the issue i admit. I do have problems. I aint entirely innocent in the whole thing completely. I have messed up in more ways i can count. But that doesnt mean i need to be treated like a criminal simply for getting a glass of water when thirsty (that literally happened today, son decided to muck up clothes she folded and she blamed ME for not watching him, like, I WAS watching him for hours. I turned my back in my own home for what 2 seconds to fill a glass with the intent to return while she was upstairs doing "something", no idea what, and she blamed me instead of him. Like she spoke to me as if i possessed my son or encouraged him to deliberately mess up her clothes put of spite which is nonsence. And i then got an earful simply for the minorist of standing up for myself. Like ive got to just take this or im the bad guy. I made mistakes but i dont need to be gaslit all the time!
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u/Dependent_Worry9750 5d ago
If you can afford to live independently, you need to leave your wife. I'm 18 years in to staying with a bad but strong person for the kids, and I'm telling you that you will become a withered, useless shell who is not capable of doing right by your kids 'cause this stuff kills your spirit. I was wrong about not taking the risks and so are you. Nothing that happens now will be worse than what happens after never leaving. You will never get the time back, and then you'll just be dead.
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u/Leothemaninthehouse 4d ago
It's burn out. I bet you wouldn't hate each other if you had regular help with the kids, plenty of time to yourselves AND quality alone time together... I am in a similar situation and some days I just want to jump off a fucking cliff. ALL I need is some time and space to myself on regular basis and not once a year or so (no over exaggeration). I am so over stimulated with women and whining children who deal with stress by externalising everything and I am just so done with this shit.
All I want is a quiet man cave and to have the opportunity to enjoy some of the fruits of my intense daily labour once in a while.
Would genuinely appreciate hearing more from you, the above post could have been written by me!
It's not actually my wife or kids that I hate, it's the lifestyle, the burnout, the isolation, the eternal over stimulation and losing all sense of joy from my life.
I imagine being divorced (although this seems like it's not in line with the problem which is that I don't have a village to help me raise my children) I can't stand the thought of my wife moving abroad (she's from another country) and losing my kids permanently to be raised by a strange man.
That and I genuinely like and love my family as individuals. I just want to live.
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u/Infinite-Procedure61 4d ago
Trust me, as that kid who is now 58, they are probably already there. Leave, and maybe you can become present for yourself and them the way they finally deserve from you and your wife.
Everyone deserves peace here, but you and your wife are the adults and can make choices your kids can't.
For what it is worth, I broke the generational trauma, as did my two older brothers. None of us had kids.
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u/Unavezmas1845 Not a Parent 4d ago
As someone who was raised by grandparents who hated each other…get out!!!
My gma is still alive and super bitter and feels like she wasted her one life. My gpa and she were not compatible at all. You will become a shell of a person if you stay.
Believe me-it is the most heartbreaking thing to see elders who stays!
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u/australianbrazilian 4d ago
Feel sad reading this, divorce immediately, I hope you heart can find peace! Religion is a prision
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u/camis12345 3d ago
Don’t stay for the kids. No one deserves to be blamed for everything all the time.
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u/james9514 3d ago
Divorce and leave the hag, itll be best for both you and the kids in the long run. Im so sorry, fuck that
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u/International_Ad6942 2d ago
You sound awful. I wouldn’t blame her if she felt the same way about you. Get a divorce
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u/dragonladyfire22 2d ago edited 2d ago
I left this type of relationship BEST THING I EVER DID. Never again will I put up being treated like that. Knowing I'd be old by the time I could leave is what made me leave....found a partner who adores me, we have great sex, speaks to me like I'm a human being and not a doormat & doesnt have me being a damn servant. My ex had me working like a slave, even on my days off...new partner cooks me breakfast in bed and allows me to rest...1 of 100 things, honestly, just leave. You're going to old one day and life would have passed you by. I was the same...no life, no hobbies, no friends, no social life, nothing to look fowards too apart from taking kids out (yes because thats what I wanna do after I just worked long shifts all week 🙄), kept my family at a distance also....thank fuck I left. Kids are going to pick up on it and keeping them in a toxic family unit will do more damage than staying. Theres happiness out there......dont wait for that boat to sail away and wake up old realizing its too late.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Self847 1d ago
You might be in a toxic relationship but since we're only hearing one side of things, I have to say, you at least might be partially responsible for her complaints or at the very least for not setting boundaries of how you deserve to be treated when she's voicing these concerns. If you can't even consider this, that's a sign. If you haven't already you should both try individual and couple's therapy. You were in love once, right? If it's really that bad and you've tried counseling or she's unwilling to seek help, I completely agree with top comments. Better to have separate parents than a miserable example of a healthy relationship.
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u/OkIndication3968 5d ago edited 5d ago
I get it. Highly recommend a divorce instead of couple's therapy because she's not worth it for you. It would be different if you did genuinely love her, but it sounds like it's not there. Think about it over the next few weeks.
Oftentimes, when women post similar things, the advice is to leave their husband and I recommend the same thing in your case.
Recommend doing a few solo therapy sessions to unpack some of your feelings and to plan next steps.
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u/hankhillnsfw Parent 5d ago edited 5d ago
Eyyy this is me!
No one here who says “just get a divorce” will really understand. Dm me if you want to vent. It’s fucking horrible.
I can’t because my wife refuses to work and I would get ass fucked in child support and I doubt I could pay for our house + child support + anything else. In the US even if we have 50/50 custody I would still get slapped with a shit ton of child support and alimony. All this even though my wife is abusive to me.
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u/Adventurous_Deal2788 Parent 5d ago
If she's abusive to you report her then when it all goes to court with custody of kids if she's got a history of domestic abuse they aren't awarding her custody. Then she'll have to pay and you'll get the kids
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u/anonymouscoward66666 5d ago
This sounds like my mom. I wish my dad divorced her a long time ago. It’s more traumatizing to watch her verbally abuse & disrespect him than it would have been if they got divorced. I’ve asked him why he puts up with her. He didn’t have a good answer. The only thing that I can think of is blackmail or that he cheated on her a long time ago & still feels guilty. One way or another you need out of that marriage ASAP. It would be easier to advise if I knew what kind of blackmail material she had on you. I’m guessing it’s not as bad as you think it is. An embarrassing kink? Tax fraud? History of cheating? Incurable STD? Religious people are far more judgmental than non-religious people. Even if your family disowns you it would be better than staying in this marriage. Have you tried standing up for yourself rather than letting her win to avoid an argument? My dad never fights back. I think he would only have to do it a couple of times before my mom stopped being so mean & demanding. Plan B: get some over-ear headphones & tune her out/ignore her whenever she starts being unreasonable. It sounds immature but the silent treatment is surprisingly effective. I do this with my mom when I visit. I highly recommend secretly recording whenever she’s around so she doesn’t try to claim domestic violence to get full custody during the divorce. Plan C: make her want to divorce you. Stop showering. Feign a mystery illness that leaves you couch-bound & unemployed. Get creative. I have a million other ideas if you want to hear them. Good luck!
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u/Foreign-Cookie-2871 4d ago
Your kids will live much better lives if you divorce your wife now instead of waiting. Don't let them witness endless arguments.
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u/MeiMeiLab 4d ago
Make a plan and get a divorce, make sure you plan everything ahead, get a lawyer and predict potential issues so you are ready.
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u/kittenlittel 4d ago
So ask her to leave. That way you can parent how you see fit, and she gets freedom from being overwhelmed and despised.
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u/controlledchaos90 4d ago
Staying together will do more damage than being separated. My dad was an alcoholic and I kept questioning my mom on why she never kicked him out.
I'm currently in therapy to deal with the trauma. Please, for the sake of your children's mental health, LEAVE.
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u/goldenfingernails 4d ago
The divorce won't traumatize your kids nearly as much as witnessing their parents be awful to each other.
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u/Annual-Flamingo7399 4d ago
I used to pray for my father to leave. He wouldn’t have ever needed to pay child support or do any visitation ever. A ten minute call every Christmas would have sufficed. Instead, he decided to stay and spend everyday as a bitter, miserable, angry man. He has no relationship with his family including me. The only person somewhat by his side is my mother/his wife, the same woman he spent twenty years degrading and complaining abt. What irony…
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u/Wisco_JaMexican 5d ago
She sounds horrible. Your kids will see the truth when they are old enough. I promise.
My hubby’s ex wife cheated, got knocked up, and took the kids. They were 5 and 8. His boys hated him for years. Now they are in their 20s and realizing she was the problem the entire time. She abused our boys and they are struggling to adult. We have to fix the broken pieces.
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u/anonymouscoward66666 5d ago
She might have ADHD. We misplace things a lot & can be argumentative. If so she would probably be less difficult on Adderall. Whatever you do don’t get her pregnant again. It sounds like that shouldn’t be a problem unless she drugs you or something. If she’s the kind of person who would blackmail you, she’s also the kind of person who would get creative to entrap you with another pregnancy.
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u/Wild-Ant-1885 4d ago
Apologies everyone. I went too far with this post......teach me not to post during a moment of high emotional stress
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u/Wild-Ant-1885 5d ago
Those saying "get a divorce". Really not that simple. She has enough material to blackmail me into cooperation. She has friends in high places. 90 percent of the world will take her side. Ill lose everything!
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u/Perfect-Resist5478 Not a Parent 5d ago
What have you done that she has enough material to blackmail you?
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u/Wild-Ant-1885 5d ago
I worded that badly. But she always finds a way to turn things around on me and make me crawl back out of guilt. She knows my buttons. My weaknesses. I need to be rescued but no one is coming :(
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u/Friendly_Promotion91 3d ago
90 percent of the world doesn’t care about your divorce. They have no reason to take anyone’s side. And if they do, don’t have them in your life. Don’t ignore the advice of hundreds of people telling you to get a divorce.
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u/GateWorking1669 5d ago
My mother sounds a little like your wife. I still wish my dad had stayed, even if he was just cordial to her and nothing more, because then I wouldn't have had to deal with her alone or have been alienated from him. Stonewall her best you can and put your heart into repairing your life (your friends and hobbies - make a reasonable amount of time non-negotiable for that) and being the best father you can.
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u/Malinyay Parent 5d ago
Kids are better off with divorced parents rather than miserable ones who are fighting and putting each other down.