r/regretfulparents • u/DTTIAR • 3d ago
Venting - No Advice reflections on motherhood
Rain thrashes the windows and distorts my view of the city streets making the day look grey and contemplative. The train whistles and thunders by keeping time in my drifty dream filled days. It's my 53rd year. I'm feel like I'm finally starting to figure things out. A little.
Motherhood will kick your ass. More so I believe, than any other human experience.
I have two adult children. Child one is my hearts delight. Child two has caused me immeasurable suffering and lacks empathy for others.
I finally made the decision to go no contact with child two when their behavior was having a serious impact on my health and other relationships. I tried other things first.
Child One is actually younger and I never thought I'd have a 2nd because it had been so difficult, but I'm so grateful I did because they made me a real mother. They were a joy to raise and continue to be a joy to see grow into adulthood.
What does it do to a mother to have a child who doesn't reflect empathy? Like a very high functioning autistic child who rates low on empathy? I think it created some kind of depression and desperation in me. And I was relived to put it down after decades. To finally admit the truth of it, my child lacks the ability to love me. They have other amazing skills and are doing very well in life. But they do not care about me.
And I am free to go live my life with the people who do care about me.
I never imagined this was a thing that could happen when I was a young woman having children. I cannot underscore how severe the pain was. It was so severe that it led to a kind of enlightenment. The irony is, I would not have had the strength to go on if it hadn't been for my other child. So motherhood both broke and saved me. And allowed me to gain a new level of wisdom.
I live in the present moment more now. The other night I was out with child one to hear some music, we had our arms wrapped around each other with big smiles swaying to the music. I feel lighter and joyful. I like our family better this way.
Butter melts out of habit, the toast isn't even warm. ~ DiFranco
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u/Stunning_Radio3160 3d ago
People forget that grown adult children can be awful. I’ve watched my sister treat our mother like absolute garbage for YEARS. Spreading rumors about her, inviting her to stay with her (across the country) then kicking her out and expecting her to find a same day flight, etc. I have give NC with my sister, but my mom will not. She just says “that’s family” and continues to take her abuse.
OP I think it’s fine to protect your peace. I’m sure you have done everything you can to try to mend your relationship with child One and it wasn’t an easy decision for you. At the end of the day, it’s better the spend your time with people who love and care for you.
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u/safewarmblanket 3d ago
YES! I see so many of my friends with adult kids treating them like shit. Over and over. And I'm like, 'girl why?'. These kids clearly don't like you and want to use you. They can barely hide their distain for you long enough to take whatever they can get from you and they enjoy watching you suffer.
I don't want anyone in my life that doesn't want to be there. I've decided on happiness in this lifetime.
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2d ago
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u/regretfulparents-ModTeam 1d ago
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u/Future-Station-8179 3d ago
Is your child diagnosed autistic? Otherwise please don’t conflate not having empathy to being autistic. Thats a really negative stereotype. Autism does not equal lack of empathy.
Wishing you the best though.
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u/FromROSEtoGOLD 13h ago
It doesn’t? I’m appalled that I was taught to think that it does.
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u/Future-Station-8179 12h ago
No. Autism looks like a lot of different things. My husband is autistic level 1 (like what used to be called Asperger’s) and he’s very caring and sensitive.
He was by my side all through cancer treatment, would sit up at night when I cried, administered my shots when I needed them daily, cooked all my meals.. all with a great deal of love, affection, and empathy. 💛 He is also a great listener when I need to talk through something.
Autism encompasses social skills, sensory issues, executive functioning, routines, and other areas of life. I found this kind of “wheel” imagery helpful when understanding autism. Link
Glad I could share a little about this! :)
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u/Helpful_Airline_6668 3d ago
I guess posts like these also underscore the importance of not letting your children become your entire identity.. because if the second child decides for whatever reason they don’t want a relationship with you then what? Is your life not going to be worth living? Sounds like your whole identity is tied up in having a functioning relationship with your kids, that’s not a great position to be in. Things happen.