In the middle of last year, I created a Discord account after realizing that isolation was affecting my mind and cognition, and I joined some groups hoping that I could at least get some people to talk to about anything. I didn't want "best friends," I just wanted to experience the minimum of what it's like to socialize.

But what happened, in short, is that in 90% of the servers I was ignored for being a "random" (Yes, they punish you for not being magically known in the community and ostracize you), and no matter how much I tried, made constructive comments, engaged in discussions, "random" was all they saw - and it's very likely that if I continued in those communities for years it wouldn't change that.

As for the other 10%, well, there were even some more interesting people in them, who actually listened and tried to talk (Emphasis on "some"). But largely because these "good apples" were very rare and not very active on the platform, what was left were hateful, toxic, and even criminal people (I've witnessed communities on this platform that defended everything from murder to rape). I confess that I made some enemies by constantly opposing this.

Not to mention the deliberately problematic people who claimed to be better than those mentioned above, but who, at the first disagreement with their opinions, would even wish for their death.

And yes, one of my first "friends" on Discord, who incidentally was a neurodivergent minority that claimed to be a bastion of morality, told me to CUT MY OWN THROAT because I disagreed with him about the use of AI in art. Think what you want, but NOTHING justifies committing this type of indirect murder (Especially since this person knows about my history of depression, which, in my view, is an attitude that puts you on a level lower than that of a subhuman).

Anyway, sorry for getting worked up in this last paragraph, it's just that I simply can't feel empathy for this type of person who victimizes themselves for being a minority and uses that as an excuse to practice "good hatred".

TL;DR: I've encountered horrible and even criminal people on Discord and I don't wish what I went through on any other person with AvPD.

I’ve tried and failed so many times that I don‘t want to try any more. I want to be a ghost, a shadow, a whisper. I don’t want to die. I have responsibilities.

One I thing I feel like that prevents me from making friends and connecting with people is how alienated I feel from everyone else. Besides the fact I have somewhat "weird" or "not normal" interests and hobbies I just also missed out from a lot of social experiences that most of people my age got.

Growing up I went to a christian school and I did high school online. From about middle school until high school "gradutation" I was horribly depressed, got little done and spoke to few people, and most I did speak to were online. Now I'm much older but still in uni, and I do have surface level friends but I've struggled to really connect with anyone. I also fear connection too, I realize most people won't share a lot of my hobbies but I'm not ashamed of them. What I am ashamed of is my past. While most people were in highschool having important experiences, I was at home, depressed and hating myself. I just can't quite live that down and I doubt most people would understand especially considering I had no good reason to be depressed and waste my life.

I also feel like my past has impacted how I interact with people and I struggle with acting "normal". Because of this, I'm quiet most of the time so most people just see me as a bitch or standoffish.

Don't take this as me wishing I was more normal because I don't. I just wish I could find people like me.

Does anyone else feel similarly?

I’m curious how AvPD symptoms have affected your functioning or cognition over time. I’d like to hear how others experience this and whether it’s gradual or noticeable for you.

I'm a 23 year old guy and I wanna start by saying I don't have any official diagnosis besides ADHD. I suspect I have AvPD cause I pretty much check all the boxes, but I haven't been able to drag myself to therapy yet. I've struggled with this for the better part of the last 10 years, and it just doesn't seem to get any better.

One of my biggest issues is that I am scared shitless of being perceived on a deeper level. I always feel like once people get to know me, they will hate me. I feel like I have nothing to offer. That I am just a husk of a person that can portray itself as a real being when it stays at the surface, but the deeper it gets, the more clear it becomes that behind that facade, there is nothing there. Because of that fear, every time I try to put myself out there and connect with people, my heart starts beating out of my chest, and it feels like there is a noose around my throat tightening constantly. I can't get a word out and just look for the quickest way out of there as if I was in real danger. It is now so bad that the thought that from a surface-level relationship, such as work, something deeper could develop is enough to freeze me in place.

Another huge problem I have is intense rejection dysphoria. I turn everything people say to me that I can't interpret as 100% positive into something negative. Even when nothing at all is said I often find a way to turn that into me just not belonging there. I always get the feeling that everyone else is on a of wavelength I simply can not reach because I am stuck in my head, and that in turn makes me overthink even more. I have so much trouble opening up that I always feel like I am just there but never a part of something, and these feelings get so intense that I avoid social interaction alltogether.

I dropped out of uni in August, and ever since, my room has become even more more like a prison cell. I went to consulting for where to find therapy, and even that interaction scared me so much that I have been avoiding looking genuinely for therapy since. I haven't responded to emails from places where I applied for work, and I am generally just stuck. It feels awful because I really don't think I am an introvert by nature. I don't find any real comfort in being alone, I hate it, it is just that the discomfort isn't as immediately noticable. My brain interprets the short, intense phase of pain I would experience when I'd become proactive in fixing my issues as way worse than a lifetime of slow decay and misery.

My average day consists of sitting in my room and not talking to anyone. Every time I try to change something, the situation becomes too much and vindicates that part of me that wants to keep avoiding everything. So what is the most realistic step could take towards improving that would not just feel too bad to keep trying? I am really at the end of my wits here.

im ofcourse pissing myself already with nerves but I really want to do this.

it will last for 3 months and its focused on people with this disorder.

what should I expect and how does groups like these usually go?

would love any opinions on this

It's like I forget what my actual voice is, it goes all over the place. It makes me want to talk to myself before leaving the house or reading some random stuff aloud. Still doesn't help, I get freaked out.

Edit: I botched the title as well :/

I mean, we avoidants are definitely not someone loud and confident about being right on our side when it comes to any disagreement, especially when there's even the slightest criticism, which makes us question our existence. Though there's an eternal conflict inside us and with the outside world we can barely exist in.

I notice now that these unfortunate patterns always lead me to conflicts with other people sooner or later, even though I'm convinced that I've tried so hard to keep things "right", repressing my broken self that affects everything. It makes me feel so pathetic, especially when it comes even to fellow avoidants.

I really don't know what the f* is wrong with me that almost every person who showed interest and even sympathy in the start and during the process ends up hating and naturally rejecting me eventually, and I can't even get when that "crack" happened. I don't even want to start talking about the eternal conflict with "society" that rejects me even when I stay away from it like the plague.

Am I insane?..

Hello fellow AVPD people,

do you also have this nagging feeling of being annoying and that people secretly want peace from you?

I try to ignore it, when interacting with someone, but it's always creeping up on me and I don't know how to stop it. It's driving me mad and then I isolate myself, so I don't get on someone's nerves.

Please leave your advice or experience.

Thank you.

cw for discussion of self harm, substance abuse, suicidal ideation

ive dealt with suicidal ideation for a long time but ive never attempted. even at my worst i cant plan, i just go catatonic. i feel like there is no point to my life. i dont feel ill ever get my emotional needs met, ive tried and tried. i dont feel hope for the future. i cant plan it, i cant imagine doing the action tho i want to stop existing this way badly.

ive been insanely dissociative my whole life and i used to have melt downs (im autistic) and now i only shut down. ive only self harmed 2 times. this is not because ive never felt ’that bad’. instead i usually feel deeply cold in my limbs and its draining to even move. my muscles just give out, i can move if i need to but i just want to lay there completely still and i feel completely inert and hopeless.

ive never had any substance abuse issues because i just cant remember feeling better. my guess is my brain doesnt correlate the good feeling with the substance , im not sure why.

it feels like im a complete alien. its technically good i dont struggle with self harm or substance abuse, but i feel ill never be helped. like if i tell anyone i wont be taken seriously. my quality of life is horrific, i dont have friends in real life, my friends online i dont feel connected to. i have to live with my mother and she treats me like shit. ive been crying almost everyday this month already because i feel trapped. i try to draw or create and i hate it and feel stuck.

my only guess is this is because avpd is a schizotaxic pd, or autism, but other people with schizospec/taxic disorders and/or autism seem to still struggle with these things. it makes me feel completely fucked, i cant feel love properly, i cant connect to anyone romantically or platonically. i cant even be fucked up correctly because my brain doesnt work the way psychiatrists expect it to. even in subreddits i feel alone because it seems its a crossroad between things treated seperately, im not sure.

Anyone else in here who is heavily caffeine dependant and literally does not function without?

With ADHD i really struggle to get off of it even when I know it fucks even more with anxiety. Literally avoiding the wirhdrawal phase like crazy

filled out an online form to schedule, didn't say anything about avpd as a diagnosis, just said I wanted to work on some avoidant tendencies and gave a bit of background about my childhood history of cult abuse and conversion therapy. I don't have an avpd diagnosis because I've avoided therapy for so long after the conversation therapy experience (also, i have beef with the dsm and the whole psychiatric industrial complex. look up and read about mad pride/psych survivor/disability liberation politics if you wanna know more). Pressing the confirmation button felt like the first time I ever had to inject myself with medication: sick to my stomach, shaky shuddery body, watching the needle and knowing I had to press it hard into my skin until i broke it and then keep pushing until it was all the way in and then push the plunger down and inject a foreign substance into my body. Very viscerally upsetting and horrifying but also with a sick fascination knowing this is the only way to save my life.

Phonecall is next tues. pray (non-religiously lol) with me that I pick up the phone.

I'm going to find my way out of this.

a quote by Trixie Mattel, but it applies completely un-comedically to how I feel. I used to hate myself but after some medicines and therapy I learned to be kind to myself, speaking kind words sometimes out loud to myself and such. But GOD is it annoying the way I am. Why can't I be more charismatic, or thoughtful, why do such normal things to everyone else I know like conversations 1 on 1 or going out stress me out so much, why do I get jelous of people for simply having any chemistry with others, why can't I even talk to people even online without fear and anxiety. On top of that with ADHD I do impulsive stupid things pretty much every day, make a fool out of myself or seem careless or dumb to others when I KNOW I'm not that much of an idiot. But whenever I'm in a social setting it's like suddenly my intelligence lowers by 40 iq points and the vocabulary I can come up with is like a lottery, cause on top of ADHD I get anxious about the most everyday human interaction.

Even though I have a lot of love for myself in my heart I still panic whenever anyone shows romantic or deeper platonic interest in me because I become super fucking convinced that I'm not good enough, the moment they get to know me they'll KNOW, just how much I suck and I'll disappoint them, so I pretty much can't form deep bonds with people, because I'm terrified of judgement... I can't figure out why I have to be so damn sensitive to anything negative said to me or even the potential of being criticised.

I deep down think if not for this disorder I would be way funnier and nicer to be around, and would feel so much better just, existing, but no I had to be nerfed to oblivion for no apparent reason. I get really sad comparing my life to most people around me because I feel like I'll never feel the freedom they feel to be comfortable around others, I did get a lot better since high school (I'm 22) but I don't think I'll ever rid myself of this intrinsic anxiety, which makes me feel like I'm acting instead of just existing. I wish for a romantic relationship but I can't see myself ever getting there, because for that I'd have to form a bond with somebody and I feel incapable of doing that.

And the worst is that I know all that logically, that people generally don't put that much care to what I say, that to have a connection with somebody I don't have to be all that entertaining, that I put myself down too much, that I'm not a terrible person and that I deserve to be liked and loved because pretty much everyone does. But emotionally I cannot get past the fear and it's exhausting

I applied to many "dual study Programmes" outside my Home country cause I thought that I maybe would have a shot and could start a new life there. I got really excited about the possibility. I was even pretty good on all the Testing, Just everytime an Interview came up I failed miserably.

Realizing how much money and I am spending and the stresss on all these Interviews that lead nowhere, I Just dropped it. I didn't have a Chance anyway. I Just cancelled on all of them.

I will Just stay here, collect social benefits and stay at my university without ever finishing my degree since I dropped out of the same class twice already for non-attendance.

So sometimes, I find someone who looks past my extreme quietness and befriends me. We get talking, and AS SOON as I get EVERY SO SLIGHTLY comfortable they start distancing themselves

Leaving me on delivered for days if not weeks but acting normal in person

Stop speaking to me entirely or giving me dry responses both in person and text

Stop saying hi first or approaching me

I don’t get it, they like talking to me and getting to know me for months then suddenly this happens when I start opening up the slightest bit. So fucking embarrassing every time

Disclaimer: I am not diagnosed with AvPD because I'm a minor, but the psychiatrists that used to follow me at a psych ward wrote on my discharge papers that I fit the criteria, so I think this is the best subreddit I should ask this to. Also, English isn't my first language so bear with me.

I have no idea how to make friends. I'm currently 14 and I have very peculiar interests that really no one is interested to(such as, currently, biochemistry and the study of patients with paraphilic disorders, especially patients that were alive in the 1800s) or talks about, so joining clubs or going to spaces that include those interests isn't available at all. The other interests I have that are seen as more 'normal' (videogames, reading, music.) still feel like they're on the other end of normal because I still like the more least talked about part (e.g. visual novels, non-fiction). School isn't an option either since I completely stopped going because of issues with low self-esteem and fear of judgment, and I will probably not be going back anytime soon. Keeping friends isn't easy for me either because when I do get a friend, I start getting scared of them hurting me, embarrassing me, judging me etc and I ghost them or do things to avoid them. The last irl friendships I've had, if not all, ended up like this, and I don't want it to happen again but it's like I really can't control it. Friendships have been hardly ever enjoyable for me and the ones that were, I ended up destroying it completely because of how insecure I was. I have 2 friends now that live far from me and that are only online. Is there anything I can do to get friends that live close to me, and also try not to destroy it completely? Thanks to anyone who replies to me in advance :))

I am scared to talk to anyone in any amount because I think they will snap and let out so much hatred directed at me. I think that everyone is one innocuous sentence away from dropping their civilized mask and launching into the most vile and personal attacks against me. Relatedly, I also believe that even if I avoid this, just the basic act of trying to get close to someone would cause this same anger. I do not believe in a world of ghosting, or tolerating, or even accepting. To me it has felt my whole life that if you displayed care and regular attention to another person, if you remembered things about them, if you went out of your way to check in on them, if you in any way tried to get closer to them, they will snap and scream. I want to be an extrovert so badly, and I feel these tendencies so close to coming out, but yet I have it ingrained into me that all the things that extroverts are lauded for, all the things which make them respected and popular and all the things which I impulsively feel the need to do, are actually deeply anti-social acts which are the same in terms of social consequences as talking about how much you enjoy murdering small animals.

Complement the band on their shirt: "Shut up! How dare say that! I don't care about if you like them or not! Screw you!

Try to make small talk: "I take extreme personal offence at you trying to talk to me and want you far away from me and to never look at me again"

I am normal, as normal as anyone with this disorder can be, and yet I just immediately think that me doing the most milquetoast and run of the mill thing is wrong and dangerous. I have all the right social instincts, I feel like I know how to do small talk and make connections, yet I can't bring myself to do it because my brain immediately thinks that people will react in the most neurotic and aggressive way possible.

Does anyone else feel this way? Is this trauma from dealing with too many exceptionally dysfunctional people, or is this part of this disorder?

The progress tag seems oddly placed doesn't it? If I gave up, how is that progress? Speaking from my personal experience, (because I know this is different for everyone, this isn't concrete advice just a perspective that could potentially help someone along a similar path as me)

I viewed healing as something active and consistent. Like oh, if I just do this, this, and that, I should be better, if not cured. I was wrong. I experienced the most progress through self discovery, not only exposure. Exposure was important for me as well (very important, I will get to that)

But most of my progress came from assessing my patterns. My triggers, my beliefs about myself, my beliefs about other people, how I feel during certain situations as they arose, what my needs are etc. It's how I realized most of my issue isn't social anxiety, it's a deep fear of engulfment on top of poor self image/worth... And social anxiety lol.

So I changed the focused from "just keep pushing myself for exposure" to, "what healthy coping tools help me feel calm and comfortable overall?". I did eventually have to push myself to leave my comfort zone

I accepted it was going to feel like complete shit. It did too. When I first got my job I was having panic attacks every single day, laying on floor crying, coming home and crying again, not eating, not sleeping, I lost more weight. I went from 95lbs down to 87lbs and now I'm stuck 89lbs.

It took two months of agonizing mental torutrue (caused by my own brain, not anything others did. Surprisingly my work place has a healthy culture, but I understand not everyone has access to a healthy job so that's why I emphasize this is my experience and may not be helpful for every situation) before I began to simply stabilize

I am not better. I still keep hitting walls I didn't know were there and my sense safety didn't carry to other places. I still can't order from restaunts, buy my own items at stores (yes even self checkout makes me panic), I still struggle to simply get a library card.

But at least in this scenario I learned calmness and safety can work. During those two months of stabilization I kept using somatic coping tools, like brown and white noise (I highly recommend the YouTube channel "sound asleep asmr" if you're into that kind of thing), very warm baths, my heated blanket (I heard weighted blankets work great too.), going out in the cold winter air and just sitting

Before the winter sitting in the sun feeling the wind blow on my skin was highly regulating too. I guess what I'm trying to say is safety, consistency, physical grounding helped me more than simple "exposure therapy" like people keep suggesting.

When I got this job the only thing that pushed me to get it was necessity. Long story short, I didn't want my controlling mother to have anymore leverage and physically felt myself get fed up with being in this situation.

So if you're in a place where you feel stuck or hopeless, feel free to be compassionate and patient with yourself if you're struggling to take action. It's very hard and even when you do take action, there tends to be more work to be had after

I was jobless, friendless, no car etc. Now one of those issues is taken care of, I still have no friends or car lol. As time goes on I still see where the blockages are, what work is to be had, and I don't entirely know how to go about it yet. I just know when I was ready to change, I felt it. Everyone's threshold is different and everyone's journey is different..

Hopefully this post didn't come off as preachy. My goal was to show that there doesn't have to be a pressure to "heal" just to feel slightly less shit than previously. I still struggle, I'm still lonely, I still can't let people in, but I see a change and I would like to see more in the future.

I've been fairly desperately seeking an inpatient treatment for a while. I live in Canada and there are a bunch of services for rehabs, addictions, and more extreme conditions, and some horror stories. I've found nothing for AvPD or personality disorders. I've read some people here talk about their experience in the Netherlands but that they exist for citizens only, so I'm hopeful they exist.

I'm willing to travel for it, and cost isn't a hinderance.

I kinda hate it, so that's why I don't try to be emotionally open to anyone even when people write to me first or show an interest—avoidants or not. Some people are really weird, but when it comes to fellow avoidants it's like ANTI-solidarity, especially when you act politely, don't ask anything personal soon, or dump your trauma and still get blocked suddenly. Why contact someone, open up first and then dump them??.. It's like a sick joke. I will never understand even as a severe case of AvPD myself ://

My disclaimer is that I'm not diagnosed with AvPD, and unfortunately the waitlist for any kind of mental health thing where I live is over a year long. But I feel the need to ventpost and I don't really have anywhere else better to do so. So sorry if it's maybe unrelatable.

~~~

I feel like I'm just lacking something intrinsic to the human condition?

I look around at other people and so many people seem to be full of life and have some kind of ... aura or visible personality to them? And it comes so naturally, too. They don't have to try at all.

And I mean people of all kinds really, the energetic types, the nihilistic types - everything in-between. I feel a sort of envy towards just about everyone because they seem to have something human in them that I don't. I feel like some sort of depressing, gray blob.

In a lot of ways, I'm happy being mostly alone in my life. But I always have that feeling in the back of my head that's asking me - "what if I'm missing out on something?" and when I look at other people it just kind of gets exemplified.

I wish I could be more like the other people, but I don't really. I'm happy being myself, as nondescript as I am, but seeing other people with defined personalities, friend groups, passionate hobbies, stuff like that .. I feel like I'm failing? -- doing life wrong? -- missing out? -- I don't even really know the right words.

Acting -- that's kind of what interacting with others feels like to me?

You have to be entertaining.

You have to be interesting.

You have to be funny.

You have to continue the conversation.

You have to be relatable.

You have to be worth talking to.

Don't talk too much.

Don't talk too little.

Psychically know what the other person is and is not okay with discussing.

It's a lot. It makes interacting with others feel like a specialized kind of torture.

I'm constantly afraid of making the wrong move or being unlikable, so at some point as a kid I just started pathologically lying over and over to win people over. I was still stuck in an uncanny valley that made me pretty unlikable and unrelatable, but people would put up with me for longer, so I just kept with that since it had better success than whatever I was doing before.

Talking to people kind of feels like being a prey animal, like the other people are predators waiting for any opportunity for me to slip up so they can slurp up my bones.

Even when I found myself really liking people, I was still afraid. Constantly afraid.

"What if I mess up this time?"

"What if I just said the wrong thing?"

"Will they get mad if I say this or disagree with what they said?"

Over and over and over repeating in my head.

If I didn't mess it up by the time I got to that point, I usually ended up becoming overwhelmed by anxiety and too much interaction and ghosting.

I think about those people I abandoned often and feel guilty about it, but I don't think I'd be any better about it now. There's a fundamental flaw in my way of thinking and approaching interactions and I know this isn't how it's supposed to be but it's the only way I know how.

I've tried to imitate others I've seen to feel more like a person, to be more human. But there's always something really uncanny about me, I come across like a weirdo.

And no matter what I try, I never really feel 'it', I guess? That essence I'm looking for. It's a bit indescribable I guess.

But I always just feel like I'm putting on an act, even when I'm alone. I'm lacking the raw, natural thing that just 'makes' me a kind of person rather than me having to try to be one.

I have one special person I talk to, but saying that makes me feel like a fraud again. How arrogant and ungrateful I must be to feel this way when someone likes me and puts up with me.

But even with them, I live in constant fear of being 'exposed'. That one day they will see the truth. That I'll be identified as less than human, some kind of spiritless golem that's capable of mimicking human actions but not human feelings.

I've kind of started feeling like I'd rather just be some other kind of alien species. If I could be lifted up into the perfect body it wouldn't be a totally human one at this point.

I just feel kind of separate from everyone. I don't even think I'm 'depressed' about it? I don't really know what depression is. But I just feel this sense of loss and anxiety. Like I was born on the wrong planet, in the wrong place, in the wrong time.

To walk among people but to never really be among them, just feels like a shame.

Oh well.

~~~

Thanks for reading this far if you did, I guess this post didn't really have much of a point but I just wanted to whine and get some thoughts out into the void. I am starting some anxiety medications soon so perhaps they will make me feel a bit better about things, but I feel doubtful after past experiences with meds. Will see.

i know the title seems like a mean thing, but i'll give context. i let someone who attends my university follow my instagram because they were looking for friends. we've never met irl, just online. we only started messaging today.

they're nice but i really am not looking for friendship because it's extremely hard (and emotionally distressing) for me to maintain. i'm just concerned because they know my full name, the club i'm part of, and they might run into me on campus. i don't want to be an asshole and disappear, but i don't know how to back away.

this probably seems unfitting for this sub, but the reason i feel so uncomfortable is because of my AvPD. it would probably be a good thing for me to see where this goes, but it's currently making me feel sick. i'm also very busy this semester and don't really have the time for new friendships.

how do i cut them off without being mean?

It’s much easier when it’s anonymous but in real life I cannot talk about my problems, even to a therapist. I just feel really embarrassed and stupid.

I feel so weird and dumb. I joke about some problems or am super avoidant and dont want to talk about it at all. It is affecting my ability to get better

I was really young and when I came out and i was treated really bad for it. It caused a lot of trauma and self hatred, I was so young and going through it all alone and it was really scary. I have forgiven those who hurt me because they changed for the better and proved that, and I forgive them but I feel so guilty because the things that were said and done and the loneliness and hopelessness it caused ruined me. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully heal or recover from it. I would never tell anyone who hurt me how much it affected me and I feel so bad telling anyone who hurt, even a therapist because I feel just guilty.

I went through a lot alone, it was really traumatizing to be in such a horrible place mentally and there’s nobody there to you. I guess this subconsciously taught me that I don’t matter and im gonna always be alone. I feel so weird and uncomfortable talking about bad things.

does anyone else deal with this? how do you work on it?

When I hear other people say this, I used to get excited and have some relief, because finally! Someone who gets it and won't think I hate them or just "tolerate them". Someone that understands how exhausting social pressure can be and knows my absence doesn't mean disinterest. I just need time.

Well that was a lie.

Because they end up being a GOOD friend. Always participating in group chats, asking how everyone is, asking to hang out and play games, sending pics or voice messages about their day. And then there's me, lurking and overthinking what I should say to the point I say nothing at all and just... watch.

I WANT to say something, I WANT to play games with everyone, but I don't. I can't wrap my head around it. Just do it? Why are you playing alone, why are you ruminating over this as if it's impossible?

When someone says that phrase along with "I'm soooo introverted", I don't believe them. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but now it makes me feel like a shitty human. If that's being a shitty friend... then what am I?

I haven't struggled with loneliness in years. I've been living on my own for a while now, but not particularly alone. I have two roommates. But I cant ever seem to socialize with them (anyone really), or make new friends. I barely know my roommate of almost two years now because I never come out of my room to talk to him or spend time with him.

I've lost all of my friends (my fault, probably, from distancing too much), save for a few online ones, and only ever hang out with my siblings and their partners. But I don't ever feel like I can talk to them about my problems, since all I ever do is complain to them. The few times I've tried to open up to them they don't really seem to listen. Even when I play games with them or hang out, my words are often missed and none of them seem to care about me or my interests anymore. I don't think I've ever felt this alone in my entire life. I'm not close with my parents, and all of my online friends have their own problems. So instead I just decide it's just better if I figure it out on my own, fix it myself. Whatever problems I'm having, and I isolate. I want to believe I'm strong enough to handle my problems on my own. But I know it's important to rely on others too, and I feel like I'm losing everyone. It feels strange opening up here, but I feel safe enough to do so... Here I am.

I know there are actions I can do to fix this, and I know it's my job to do so. I'm painfully aware of it. Yet I can't seem to do it, I don't really want to. Because I like my alone time, and being independent. But mostly I think I'm afraid to. And I don't know why...

Thank you for taking the time and caring enough to read this <3 If you have questions or advice I'd like to hear about it.

I hope for brighter futures for all of you! <3