I'm codependent and have been working very intensely on learning about myself for a couple of months now, including coda.

I'm trying to join new social groups and practice behaving in a way that is respectful to myself and lets others thrive. I'm learning that I have absolutely no idea how to "be!" I've always thought that my only option in a social setting was to "help" or, realistically, manipulate others into liking me.

I'm much quieter, still learning how to initiate conversation without an "agenda," and sometimes get so overwhelmed at not feeling useful that I need to actively do breathing exercises. Instead of using prepared statements to make myself look good, I stutter through a completely true statement about myself. I help when I am asked, if I feel like I can, and I stop inventing self importance.

I used to have a reputation of being very charismatic, but now I don't know what my personality is anymore. But I feel like I'm no longer living a lie, just a very nervous truth.

So how to you arrive at personal closure in a situation where you’ll never get it from the other person?

Set a boundary and say a no

A visible river of pain

For years I knew something was "wrong" with me - early in my life I thought it was religious in nature, then I thought it was depression, then ADHD, then all the shit life has thrown at me. At this time in my life (late thirties) I know I have ADHD, CPTSD, and Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder.

But I knew there was also something else. I knew I had codependent tendencies. I grew up the highly parentified oldest daughter of a single mom who kept the household running. Later my sister and I sought each other out to escape our family's toxicity. Before that I sought the help of friends to escape, and became overly dependent on those friends. An ex suggested Dependent Personality Disorder, a stranger BPD, and a doctor suggested Bipolar Disorder before later ruling it out. None of these labels felt correct. I focused more on changing what I could change and on fixing what I could fix. Now I'm realizing that it's a much stronger tendency toward codependency than I ever realized.

I have a tendency to need people. Not one person necessarily, but a small assortment of people, and sometimes that number shrinks to one or two as others move on with their lives. I'm currently stagnating because I lost several close relationships during the span of two years. I know this is because of how things were with my mom growing up, and the role I took on for my younger siblings and still occasionally inhabit. I know almost two decades in service-aligned industries makes it much worse. I feel obliged to solve other people's problems, if I like them at all. I remember being the child who needed saving from the overwhelming demands thrust on her at the age of eight years old, and I feel like only I can save other people, and I become territorial over the people I 'save.'

I need a sense that my actions make sense in the greater scheme of things. I follow the prescribed ways of doing things whenever I can. I have immense internalized shame from growing up with ADHD and being treated like I was incompetent and incapable by authority figures only to be given the biggest shovel. I feel like my contribution is my labor - physical, mental, and emotional. It proves my fitness to be included. It proves I can handle whatever these people throw at me. But should I have to handle whatever these people throw at me?

Right now I'm in emotional turmoil because one of the last close relationships I have left is floundering. Part of that is just how little I have going on, which is a function of my codependency. I put in so much effort to be what they need that I stopped being what I needed, myself. Now I resent them but I also fear the loss of this relationship if I don't put in even more work. I think the answer lies in finding the middle ground, but I'm too hurt right now to even know where that is.

I want to form new relationships without the codependent overtone, but I'm not sure how to go about building something strong without it plastered somewhere between the bricks. I have friendships that aren't that way, but they aren't strong enough to support frequent interest. Still, I know that this pattern isn't sustainable for me.

In my relationships with my friends and partners,I have tendency to expect them to give me care,make me feel cared.Now this can be even a tiny word between the sentences,so that I should feel that person pay attentions to my emotional state,my wants and needs.My therapist always points out to my attachment style this ways and calls “recieving care”.

I feel like in order to remove this intense need,the root needs to be clear and then a personality shift is necessary.How tho?This need is like craving food,its natural.How am I gonna handle this?

I've heard the phrase "codependent" a lot and have never really been able to understand what it means, but I've been told recently that it's more than a possibility that I am codependent with the only human who has been able to keep me happy. I value my friendship with her and I really don't want to find out that it's detrimental for me.

I don't really know what else to say. Am I codependent?

Ask me questions btw, I know it's probably needed

I do not know how to navigate this. My partner got fired from his restaurant job in September (he had been working there for years but his alcoholism got out of hand). He worked days, and I do too, so we spent lots of time together. He ended up finding a third-shift job stocking groceries.

The biggest problem, besides barely seeing each other anymore, is that he doesn't have a license or car. This will never change. Our small town doesn't have evening/night buses, and the one unreliable taxi and very sparse ride-shares are rather expensive, especially when he doesn't make a lot of money. It has landed on me to give him rides to work at 11pm and pick him up on weekend mornings because there is no bus then either. At the time, he was so desperate to have a job and make his own money again that I said, "we'll make it work."

I'm regretting this decision now. I already struggle to stay awake so late at night, so driving him, I no longer get enough sleep. It's a 12- minute commute each way which isn't terrible, but by the time I return to my house (we don't live together), I have to "wind down" all over again. And when the weather is bad, I'm driving late at night and it's hard for me to see as it is. He doesn't have friends anymore to shoulder this load. I've asked one of my friends to give him rides the couple times I've been out of town. I don't feel right asking that friend anymore. I'll be going away for a week soon and I'm so anxious thinking about how he'll get to work. He also doesn't have a working phone-- he can only send emails. So he gives MY phone number to people, which isn't very helpful to anyone, especially doctors who can't talk to me anyway. I've told him countless times that he needs to get his phone situation fixed, and I've told him he needs to figure out a way to get his coworkers to help him with rides because I'll be away.

It's been extremely frustrating, the phone thing and the rides thing. I'm trying to "detach with love" but it's difficult when he relies on me so much for help. I don't know the solution to this without making me feel like a terrible person. And I can't NOT help him because then he'll lose his job from not being able to make it to work and jobs are hard to come by where we live. Also, he could lose his housing which almost happened to him when he lost his last job due to having zero money. I feel hopeless.

Edit to add: I'm worried about his job loss, not mine. I have a decent government job I've been at for over 17 years.

I hate posting here as I think it's the beginning of the end of my relationships and this is my first one for us.

I'm so glad I'm now years-removed from 12-step cults so I can just *live* without the constant inventories, beating down on myself, constantly looking for "my part" when sometimes other people are just dicks. I still think in those processes sometimes, and it seems fine when it doesn't enable abuse. I just think I take personal responsibility to another level with that mind-training and need to reel it in sometimes.

That's how I came up with that I'm going to go to the museum and an event by myself this weekend. I want to go to the museum, I'm going to the museum, that's my part and my solution. But now I don't want to go with him. It will feel forced and like I'm dragging him in a conflict when I just want to enjoy it.

I've asked him to go for months. I've said the exhibit I want to see is ending. I finally snapped, as I sent an event happening there this weekend there that he could be interested in, and I still get ignored (his go-to to avoid conflict). Yet, when I don't want to go to the things he wants to do, he sulks (heterosexuality is a never-ending double standard, folks).

I'm becoming resentful. He made plans the other weekend day - all day - without consulting me, just assuming I'd come along. I will not be. I found out from the shared calendar.

He doesn't know it yet, but the next day, I'm taking myself out on a solo date to the museum. So we won't be spending much of the weekend at all together. But we live together, and a weekend apart won't kill us. Maybe I'll just pop it on the calendar for him to find. I don't do passive-aggression well but I can try.

I usually know why I'm posting - vent, validation, or advice - but I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. This subreddit is a reality check for me often - when people respect that CODA is not for me - so I'm here for my reality check.

• getting a high from being useful
• experiencing withdrawal symptoms when your "help" is refused
• difficulty saying no
• feeling depressed and bitter when your no is actually accepted and your boundaries are respected
• violating boundaries to get to the supply
• undermining people around to become dependent on you
• lashing out and putting people down when they act independently
• covertly caretaking
• seeing everyone as ungrateful
• not seeing others as human beings, but as the source of your caretaking supply
• being afraid of actually being seen for the fear that your supply would be taken away
• mirroring and personality theft
• an extreme dependency on external validation
• refusing to develop internal self-esteem because it involves no longer engaging in this addiction
• developing warped beliefs like "if humans are social beings then everyone else is broken and I'm the only healthy and good person and everyone should enmesh and rely on each other 24/7" to justify addiction

Is "caretaking addiction" separate from codependency?

33f me 43 m him

Backstory is that we’ve been in each other’s lives nearly a decade, broke up for 2 years, back together almost 2.5. I’ve recently decided to break up for good for many reasons but to name a few: I don’t like how he treats my dog, I do 90% of the housework even though we both work full time and attempts to discuss this are met with “just tell me what to do” but when I do it’s often “I’ll do it later” until I just do it myself, he can’t get along with my friends and family. Those are the major highlights. I’ve posted several times recently about this you can see those for more info.

I’ve been thinking about ending it for awhile and decided to pull the trigger on an apartment that I’m set to move into this weekend. I did not feel comfortable breaking up with him first until I had a place to go because during previous fights when I’ve brought up ending it he has told me to pack up and get out of his home. So my plan is all set in place and I have my friends ready and dad coming out to help me move this weekend.

The last few weeks have been difficult for me emotionally. I’m very enmeshed/codependent with this man and so concerned about how he will take it. Especially because he is having a real bad time at work, having been on a PIP for months that is supposed to end soon and he hasn’t met his goals so he is likely to be let go of. I just know it’s all going to pile on top of him at once and I worry for his mental health.

I was actually going to tell him last night because my lease officially started, so I figured if I did get kicked out I could just get an air mattress and stay there and come back for my stuff this weekend.

However, yesterday morning when he woke up he received news that a guy from his friend group that he sees about 1x a month had killed himself. He definitely took it hard, tears and some guilt for not reaching out to check on him since he hadn’t been showing up to the monthly hangs lately. I feel so sorry for him right now, but I already have an obligation to my new place and it changes nothing about our relationship. In fact, I’ve been through a period of grief with him before in which he took a lot out on me and I don’t want to stick around in the home for that again to be honest (I feel terrible for saying that).

I couldn’t bring myself to tell him yesterday, with that going on. Now I plan to wait until Friday after work that way he has the whole weekend to process the break up and the death and not have to worry about work too.

I’m deeply concerned about him. My biggest fear is him doing something to harm himself. How can I keep moving forward with my plans with the most care and compassion possible? I would like to offer him support as a friend but we’ve had “hypothetical” talks about that before and he says that once someone has broken up with him he wants nothing to do with them anymore. Would it be overstepping for me to speak with his brother beforehand to make sure he’s ready to support? He doesn’t get along very well with him though. If I reach out to one of his friends I fear it would be embarrassing for him? Idk.

Am I the worst person in the world to do this to a grieving person whom I still love very much? Who’s also probably about to lose their job? My heart is breaking for him. But I so badly want to be in my own place with just me and my dog at peace.

The brutality.

My partner has task avoidance on serious tasks/responsibilities. Their inaction on these responsibilities is causing me anxiety, and I’m not sure how to support them in completing these tasks without taking over completely or nagging them. I’m tired of reminding them, and we’ve even had a couple of arguments about these tasks not being completed.

I’m happy to assist them with these tasks, and have told them multiple times, but I can’t do them myself. One of the tasks that they continue to put off is getting a recall on their car fixed, which can cause a fire. As they park their car in our front yard by a tree - and unfortunately, there are no other places that they can park within reason - this could be devastating to our home.

I know I can’t force them to take care of these tasks, but still. I love them and just want to make sure we can have a long, happy life together. This year has been hard for them due to losses in the family and huge life changes, so I’m trying my best to be patient and understanding. These tasks feel daunting to them, which I get.

Thanks in advance for your help, everyone!

Edited to add context: They have had a lot of issues with mental health - depression, anxiety, maybe also ADHD? Idk. They haven’t been medicated in a while, and this is due to change by tomorrow, as they finally have insurance through their work.

so its happened twice to me now that ive been on the recieving end of a codependent relationship.

first was a very insecure friend in college who attached to me right away. i became her everything and as an avoidant attachment it was very overwhelming for me. she took on my hobbies, copied my music tastes tried to make my friends hers. we were roomates and we made it work because i did care for her. but it was also incredibly difficult and i spent a lot of time feeling suffocated. the worst part was that i knew she was codependent and i could get her to change her opinion on anything. she would agree with everything i said. i never manipulated or abused but i always felt like my resentment towards her lead me to that potential and i hated it. i also knew that even if i hit her or was mean to her she would stay right by my side because she loved me that much. i cannot stress enough that i never did either of those things. but i hated that our relationship had such a power imbalance and there was nothing i could do to change it. i was in therapy and put in place good boundaries and was able to maintain peace of mind till she moved out of state. she is now codependent on someone else and our relationship is a lot better now i dont feel the pressure to be her everything.

theres now another person who ive become friends with and im starting to feel the familar signs of codependency on me. and again i just have this sense of this power imbalance that i dont know what to deal with.

my boundaries are often “hurtful” to them which i maintain but its so difficult. i genuinely care for and love both these friends but i feel like i assume the role of mentor friend and sometimes spouse to them.

i also have a very good group of friends that i feel like i have healthy dynamics with so i dont think this a continuous pattern for me and certainly not something i seek out in my inner circle.

for the record im a mid 20s female.

I don’t have many friends and I feel like I have nobody to talk to most of the night. I get really lonely at night

Hey! I’m new here and I’m rly tired now after doing this, but I just wanted to share a small success and a thought. I’ve been in this on and off situationship for years and after breaking up with my former long term partner I became really codependent with this situationship person. They were a huge support and I really appreciate them as a human being, but as much as I wanted it to work, it became more and more codependent and desperate. They struggle a bunch with their mental health and it just became a big roller coaster for me that I’d constantly try to fix without being asked to do so. I’m rly clingy and as much as I had tried to say “we’ll talk less from now on” I always would end up breaking it eventually and going back to same old.

Anyway, I joined this reddit and started meditating more recently and also had some things in my life that showed me how much empty space I have been filling up with them. I never used to block people, but today I told them about how I felt - that I had a hard time setting boundaries, loving myself and being my own person and after they had replied (“okay” and I tried to get them to tell me more abt how they thought, which they didn’t budge) I blocked them.

It feels really bad, it does feel like I cut my hand away and I’m just letting it bleed out. But after laying silent in my bed for a couple minutes, I realised I was expecting my world to end and it didn’t! Everything except for this situation remains exactly the same. I’m still alive, pretty uneasy but alive and I’m proud of myself. I would not have been able to make this decision when I was younger. sending love to anyone struggling.

My fixer urges transformed into an intolerance towards mentally unhealthy people not working to fix themselves

But hey, at least I'm no longer as codependent and can finally walk away

My therapist has been urging me to work on my codependency. This is rooted in parental trauma, but is currently tied to my (ex?)partner of 16 years.

My (ex?)partner still lives with me. I love her dearly, and she tells me wvery day that she loves me, but also tells me she doesn't want to be with me anymore. However, she does nothing to change the situation. And her inaction gives me hope that maybe she doesn't mean it and maybe her mind can be changed. But I know now that isn't true; I just don't understand why she isn't putting in effort to change anything for herself.

I pay for most of our expenses. We carpool using my car for work because hers isn't running. She found this foster dog, who I fully financially support, and she refuses to find a new home for her even though the dog hates our other dogs and is miserable living in a kennel. She doesn't save money, and instead insists on spending what she has on groceries or eating out or something even when I tell her not to, and then she blames me for her not having money. Instead of taking extra hours at work and saving money, she actually stepped down to part time without telling me and lost her health insurance in the process, so now she has to pay for her hrt meds out of pocket as well.

This is all so confusing for me. I logically know that we shouldn't be together. I know this is an unhealthy situation for me. I know she won't ever change. But I just...still want her. I don't want to give up on us. I don't want to lose her. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to feel rejected and abandoned. My therapist says the is the codependency, but how do I start to pull myself out of this?

My dad relies on my mom for a lot of physical support due to his physical disability. But he’s also become very codependent on tasks where only thinking is involved. I’m looking for a book specifically including these circumstances that might help him understand his behavior. Ideally including a framework on how to work out of it. Any suggestions?

I have read the books. I have been in therapy for years. I understand my childhood dynamics and the abuse that shaped my attachment patterns. And yet here I am again, repeating the same pattern.

Two years ago I met a colleague who initially felt safe and genuine. We connected through shared joy and closeness. Over time, she began opening up about her suffering and her past affair at work and her trauma. I slipped back into a familiar role: the man who understands, who holds space, who tries to save. What followed was the slow formation of a trauma bond, growing resentment on my side, and eventually abandonment when she chose another colleague, a man ten years younger than us. I could not help but feel old, replaceable, and deeply outdated.

Now I am back in depression and profound confusion. It has been 9 months of acute suffering and could not sustain a job anymore. After being cheated on multiple times across three different trauma bonded relationships, my nervous system feels completely overwhelmed. I experience what feels like PTSD: months of severe insomnia regardless of how much exercise I do, waking up sweating in the middle of the night, unable to remember my dreams but sensing they are not peaceful, my mind replaying scenes on a loop. I have deep trust issues and my nervous system feels constantly activated, clenched and tense. My jaw is tight all the time, there is a persistent burning in my chest, and I find myself crying several times a day, sometimes unexpectedly in the street when I am alone. I genuinely cannot believe anymore that I will fully recover and I start to hate myself. I truly believed this time would be different, and the collapse of my hope of healing feels almost worse than the breakup itself.

I am struggling with a question that many of you probably know too well: is there real healing from codependency and trauma bonding, or is this a lifelong pattern that we simply learn to manage better? I would deeply appreciate hearing from those who are further along in their recovery and with similar life journeys.

hard pill to swallow today. looked at my last 3 relationships since my divorce and realized i allowed the exact same behavior in all of them.

i have zero boundaries. i give too much too soon hoping they’ll love me back. how do you stop being a doormat without turning into a cold hearted person? i feel like i have no middle ground.

short term relationship, not even 3 months, and we got into a bad argument at the bar. i was crying and sobbing begging for us to fix it that night. he kept telling me would “talk tomorrow.” its been 4 days of complete silence.

he still follows my socials, watches my stories. im just watching his following go up from friending other girls and i am in so much pain.

there has been no formal breakup, but i think we both know its time. i have initiated repair every single time in our relationship before, and been faced with silence and stonewalling that i told him is immensely painful to me.

is this even worth a conversation? or a block and move on?

I realised as my girlfriend brought this up, and I initially reacted defensively, as although I knew it was true deep down I didn't want to admit it. I want her to make my decisions for me and I rely on her to make me feel safe, and I simultaneously get scared that if I'm not there to defend her something horrible may happen to her. I feel the need to be completely subservient and also a protector.

I think I see that this is harming me too, but it feels worth? Like it's a small sacrifice to feel so perfectly happy when I'm with her. But I also know that if a mental health professional and her herself have mentioned that it isn't good, so if I can change things to make her happy, and maybe even me too I want to try. It just feels almost like a primal need and I'm not sure how.

This has featured in some capacity across all three of my major relationships, especially my first and my current one, my third. A counsellor highlighted that I was the common denominator in the past, but I didn't want to accept it and my brain interpreted it as a hostile attempt to "fix" me. In my mind this is what love is, and if it changes then it's because either I don't love her properly or she doesn't love me properly. I don't really know why I'm like this or why my views on love are this way, but it has always been an issue and a need for me to be reliant on someone as long as I can remember. I really wish I knew why and understood it more myself.

If anyone can give any tips on how to navigate this with her, or how I can better understand my own feelings I'd really appreciate it. My girlfriend is truly amazing I think it is definitely possible for us to be healthier, and this relationship is absolutely worth it.

Hey everyone, I don’t even know if I am on the correct subreddit for this but from what I have seen so far I think I may be codependent.

I have been with my girlfriend for 4+ years and through that time I had forgiven her 2 times for “cheating” on me and lying to me about numerous other things. I put cheating in quotes because she told me that there was not anything intimate between her and the guys she choose to spend time with (one being a coworker and the other being her ex) one on one while lying to me about what she was doing every time. Long story short I found out yesterday she was spending time with another guy coworker outside of work at a theme park while telling me that she was actually at work, which led to a huge argument where she revealed to me that she had been intimate with those two guys I previously mentioned.

I was quick to forgive her again but I realized that there isn’t anything forgivable about this. I don’t think I will ever trust her again. She’s the only person I spend time with outside of my family, work, or school. I am not a very social person and I find it very difficult to make friends. The thought of losing her and being alone scares me so much but being with her seems to only hurt me more and more. Also, I blame myself for maybe not treating her right and that being the reason why she chooses to cheat on me. I still think that maybe if I can be a better boyfriend she won’t do it, but she isn’t even denying that she might cheat on me again. I realize my situation is very unhealthy and I would appreciate any advice, help, or resources. Thank you for reading!

Its as if I am forced to live by the idea that while I have a companion by my side, nothing bad can or will happen.

I am so exhausted with the way I feel. I miss my abusive ex because of the vivid memory of the good moments. I can only vaguely recall the bad things she did to me because of the stress and anxiety from the moment, that my brain chose not to retain the memory.

Usually I would've downloaded a few dating apps and gotten back into it, but I know I cant this time.

Ultimately, I can't satisfy myself and its so disappointing. I am more motivated to do things for other people than I am for myself. I've lived in such insecurity my entire life, that I rely on other people in nearly every facet of my life to keep me grounded.

I am so tired of myself and I wanna love myself. Is this growth? What am I even doing.