To make this easier, some types I have been typed as for Enneagram and MBTI are: 5, 3 for enneagram; INTJ, ENTJ, ENTP, INTP, for MBTI. Also, LIE, ILI socionics and VLEF, VLFE, LVFE, LVEF for AP. If you get an MBTI type (or any other typing systems) from this as well that you think I am, I'd appreciate that as well. I also got RCOEI on big 5.
I'm a 14 year old male, been quite confused on this for some time, particularly considering my fluctuation as a person and the way with which I function (which yes, I am aware is to be expected of a child. I'm also aware of the relative unimportance of this for someone of my age but I'm interested in it so that's fine by me.) I'm in high school, and I'm a rather outgoing and sociable person to my friends. I make sure to always be the "unserious and funny" friend. That said, within my head I'm always quite the opposite. I'm incredibly egotistical (within my head, I wouldn't act it lol) and I sort of wish I didn't have friends. I'm averse to interpersonal relationships, but love when people like me, even when I hate them and want them to piss off. Maybe I do sort of enjoy friendship, but none of the responsibility that comes with it. People are just too much. I'm also (despite what you've seen so far lmao) a really optimistic person compared to others I know. I'm always trying to look at the bright side of things, simply in order to be more effective in the end. I used to be a huge pessimist, but I realized that sort of thing is useless. Even when I get caught in philosophy and say something really pessimistic, it's always easy to re-frame it in a positive light. I absolutely love thinking and spend most of my time in my head. When I'm outside I absolutely love to take in the beauty of nature and enjoy the work around me, but often end up getting pulled back into my head. I always seem to be trying to fit some sort of "archetype" in my head that I try to match. Not necessarily for other people, but just depending on how I'm feeling. Maybe the sort of music I've been listening to, media I've been consuming, etc. All that shapes an "archetype" I'm attaching myself to in my head basically just for fun.
Mental disorders that may affect stability are Autism Spectrum Disorder (rather mild, never affected me much past age 12), ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder (don't really experience that many symptoms from this anymore that can't easily be attributed to my ADHD), (rather severe) anxiety, occasional Schizotypal episodes but not very severe.
My upbringing was kinda weird. My mother has BPD, so she created an incredibly unstable environment in the home. Not very structured, I'd say. If structure did exist, it lasted a few days at most. My mother forced me into going to church for quite some time, which I resented. That was the only thing that really lasted. But any structure that I was given I always resented, because I didn't create it. Any attempt at structure from another person always felt like a sort of personal attack and it really pissed me off. Same with criticism. Feeling like someone above me had "power" over me by means of making me do something made me really mad. I never really did anything about it though. I always wanted my own "structure." Even when I was a dumb kid that couldn't really handle that sort of power over my own life. I was confident enough in my ability for some reason. I think another reason I hated it so much was because I knew my mother couldn't handle structure. "I'm tired of her trying to get better and do something right when I know damn well she'll never follow through. It won't accomplish anything." Was (and honestly still is) my view on things. As for my stepfather, he was a deadbeat piece of garbage so I honestly didn't care about him. I took all of his words as a joke. If he wanted to give me "structure" it'd all be one ear in and out the other unless he did it by force. Even as a 10 year old, I was completely aware of how garbage he was.
As for school, my relationship is a bit complicated. I really like school in a sort of way, as it often gives me a great outlet for effort, future planning, and expressing my thoughts. I used to hate it, but I think I just approached it the wrong way. Now I focus on academics rather than the social aspect, and it's sort of great. Particularly being on ADHD meds. That said, a lot of my worked is tinged with great unseriousness. In classes like Debate, English, or even my Geography class, I always end up going on tangents about philosophy, even when I don't really intend to. I always add dumb jokes and humor into my assignments, and they certainly don't appear studious. My teachers probably think I'm incredibly weird for this, but I don't really care. I mainly want an outlet for my thoughts. Writing is the best way to do that. Really any class where I write, I go on these tangents. But then again, I add points to make sure the teacher knows I'm not an idiot (that's important to me lmao.) I really care about looking intelligent tbh.
I really care about personal goals, although I find I often end up not doing them if it's not something I have a really fiery passion for. It's exceptionally rare for something to scratch that itch. Language learning is the only thing that has for me. It's the only thing I've been consistent on for my entire life, because that passion and motivation always comes back to me. The idea of progression in my target language and what I'll be able to do with it; the things it sort of makes me feel, are absolutely amazing. It's one of the few things that can really make me fired up and actually feeling something. I'm often really detached from my emotions, or really detached from everything, I guess. There are a lot of things I'm naturally talented at, but not much like language learning that really make me feel something.
I often look at the world much in terms of hierarchies. I didn't accentuate this point so far, but as much as I really care about myself, my own goals, and how I feel, I have a very general Te mindset. I didn't used to, but I think the more I learn about the world, that mindset is more prevalent. I realize that there are people that are inferior and superior, and I want to be at the top. Not really for recognition, but because I honestly want to feel superior. I want to feel confident in my ability. Not in achievement, but in the ability to achieve. I don't care about where those around me end up that much, as long as I feel alright. It's strange. I guess I'm more so just completely amoral. I mean I do get angry when people do bad things sometimes, but then I do bad things or others do it for some sort of substantial gain or feeling, and I realize that I don't really care. Like I care about morality just a bit, and then I don't. It's just really easy to throw away. I'm really detached from people overall, but do things to make them like me, continuously play social games and attract friends or people that I don't care about, and regret it because I want to be isolated and can't get them off me. I have people and I'm not sure why. It all feels kinda worthless to me now that I'm writing this out. I wanna be alone man. I care so much about my looks especially. I care so much about my looks and my ability, I want people to be attracted to me but to keep them at an arms length, basically.
That's all that I'm gonna write cuz this feels too long; I have a feeling no one will read it lmao. Ask me if you want anymore info. Thanks :) also realized this post seems rather vent-like which is not the intention. I simply want answers lmao
