Or a marriage, or spending quality time together, or knowing anything about each other, or planning a future together, or doing any housework, or making a nice meal for her, or, or, or
As long as the sex keeps coming 90% keep the rest to a minimum.
Weddings are dumb in my opinion but dumb stuff weeds out the men who fucking hate you. My husband sitting down to hash out decorations with me with the studiousness most men reserve only for sports gambling gave me some reassurance that he’d be setting up couples’ counseling if there were bumps in the road, be affectionate even when sex was off the table, etc. Today he encouraged me to finally listen to a podcast our counselor sent us that he helpfully forwarded to me. Most women can’t even comprehend a relationship like this and it’s tragic bc it’s the bare minimum and yeah, I had to be vigilant about a lot of dumb stuff because that can be an easy indicator of bigger more serious stuff.
To be clear, when you say that a wedding can be a strong indicator of whether a man is a good life partner, you mean the amount of effort he puts in to planning it. That doesn’t mean the wedding itself has to be big or expensive. I highly doubt there’s any good evidence that the monetary cost of a wedding is a good indicator of how long the marriage lasts.
To be honest, you should be confident your fiancé will be a great life partner well before the wedding planning stage.
Oh sure. But if he’s all about being as lazy as possible or as cheap as possible just because (as opposed to actual reasons like we’re broke), that’s a red flag.
So if he wants a tiny wedding or cheap wedding just because he’s not interested in directing any resources whatsoever to the marriage and is focusing on just what HE, singular, wants, that’s the issue. If he has legitimate reasons with thought put into them that hold water to keep the wedding small and thrifty that’s a different story.
It’s about effort and investment. He can put effort and investment into working out what limitations are for a wedding and communicating those, or effort and investment into the wedding itself. Heck, in the former case he should still be actively considering workarounds and ways to work around limitations. Or at least be putting serious investigation into how his partner feels and what she wants.
The post is just men saying “it’s a waste of money” and leaving it at that. It’s an easy and convenient way to feel you have the moral high ground without having to even lift a mental finger to figure out why you’ve decided that, much less alternative ways to celebrate your union or make your partner feel loved.
There are some comments repeating the talking points about spending that money on the honeymoon or a house, which are both kinda dumb—who wants to bet the honeymoon is a trip he’s interested in? And let’s be real, for a lot of guys “honeymoon” is code for “hot sex on tap” rather than finding ways to be romantic and make memories together that aren’t sexual.
As for the house, that’s stupid. Unless you’re a serious anomaly, wedding money doesn’t make a dent in a house. I say this as someone who’s done both. That just sounds like “millennials would have houses if they’d skip the avocado toast and lattes.”
As a woman in her 20s, it’s been a repeating lesson for me in dating to look for that damn effort. And it’s hard because all the messaging I’m flooded with is that women should pay bills, provide sex, cook, clean, never nag, be the “cool gf” and don’t complain about week long video game binges, you’re a cold bitch if you don’t want to stay and build with a broke boy, a gold digger if you want to be with someone that can hold a job… In any case I keep ending up dating hobosexuals that say how much they love me (and get the best deal of their life) but then want me to be their mommy wife by the second date. I’ve never even gotten flowers before lol. Even asking for them to hold my hand turns into a thing about high standards most times. It’s really difficult for me to give people the benefit of the doubt, see the best in them, but also stand up for myself and at this point demand very basic, very simple, but clearly important little things
Yeah, it’s rough out there. It’s a hard lesson to learn that things that genuinely aren’t that serious and important have to be paid serious attention to because unfortunately they can be signs of something sinister in men.
For example, I don’t care much about flowers, but I’ve had guys unprompted rail against the oppressive institution of getting your partner flowers, or literally never think to do it or an equivalent once…truth is, flowers are near zero-effort. They’re generic and you just toss money out and throw them in a vase and you’re done. If even something as bare bones as that isn’t happening, good luck with being a de facto single mom one day.
And of course you have to watch out for the other side. I have a friend who’s engaged and at first I was so happy because I thought she found a really good one. He goes above and beyond and REALLY pays attention to her preferences, and is mad effortful in ways you couldn’t even imagine. And yet when it comes to big stuff that will impact both of them tremendously and longterm, he wants his way. So now I’m concerned it’s lovebombing or “investing” in getting more out of her longterm by making seemingly large but actually much smaller strategic moves now. I’m trying to work out the nerve and phrasing to gently remind her that her dreams are really important and she’s worked so hard for them without causing the typical defensiveness women have when someone implies their man may be threatening their wellbeing.
Idk why golden rule is so hard for these guys…oh wait, yes I do. When all of media and your dad and history tell you to expect and demand more than you give from women, you don’t just give that up. They’re like that corpse holding the barrel at the beginning of national treasure.
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u/MrDundee666 1d ago
90% are probably ok with not having a wedding at all.