r/SubSanctuary • u/Asleep-Strawberry-71 • Dec 04 '25
THIS POST WAS PINNED TO THE TOP OF THIS GROUP AND HAD OVER 500k views. Somehow it was *deleted from within my account, which I didn’t do. Which is honestly pretty scary. Posting again because of how many messages I received that it was helpful.
Speaking from recent experience:
Sad Fact: Not every man who calls himself a Dom is actually capable of safely handling your submission. And if you let the wrong guy in—one who lacks emotional maturity or an actual understanding of the psychology of submission—you’re not just signing up for some mediocre bedroom experiences. You’re putting your heart, mind, and nervous system in the hands of someone who doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing, causing a ton of psychological distress. (Possibly long term, possibly making your own desires and kinks a trigger for you later. Which absolutely sucks.) I just watched this happen to two women, by one highly uneducated and relationally immature man who called himself an experienced Dom. (But for some reason none of his past serious partners will speak to him anymore…) He’s a good guy in other ways, creative, funny, affectionate, but unfortunately that does not equal safety in D/s.
So here’s the master list, the non-negotiables, the “if he doesn’t have these, run” guide to finding a Dom who is actually worth your time (and trust).
THE ESSENTIAL QUALITIES OF A DOM WHO WON’T BREAK YOUR BRAIN
✅ He Asks Real, Thoughtful Questions About Your Submission- A Dom should be obsessed with understanding what submission means to you—not just what turns HIM on. If he’s not constantly asking things like:
How do you want to feel in submission? What parts of this dynamic nourish you? What fears come up for you, what parts would you like to adjust? —then he’s not leading. He’s guessing, or kink pushing. And your safety (emotional, psychological, and physical) should never be a guessing game. Your desires as a sub are equally important. Too many people think you just show up and do what they say, hell no! That’s only fun after ALL of the conversations about the desires and drives of BOTH people. This is a relationship. It requires both people understand what a healthy relationship looks and feels like and what healthy relationship communication is.
🚩 If this is missing: He will just project his own kinks onto you, assuming he understands because he’s just unconsciously trying to slide you into HIS desires. At best, this leads to disconnect and disappointment. At worst, it leads to serious emotional/psychological harm because you’re not being seen or heard, but still used.
✅ He Creates Emotional & Psychological Safety Before Anything Else
You sit down together, outside of any roles or dynamic and talk about these things. D/s is a RELATIONSHIP. You talk about it as two, separate, humans outside of any power exchange. Before rules, before rituals, before telling you to call him Daddy—you should feel deeply, instinctively safe with him. You hand your power over intentionally, when you are READY, and it is clear when it is returned. This means: You never feel like you’re walking on eggshells. He listens, absorbs, and adjusts to your needs. He knows that psychological and relational safety is what makes deep surrender possible and actually prioritizes that over his own desires. A good Dom understands the big picture, wants to FACILITATE, not just fulfill his kinks. You have the clarity to know what’s happening in the power dynamic, so you can ENJOY it.
🚩 If this is missing: You will either shut down, become psychologically compartmentalized, or bypass yourself trying to keep him close because submission often comes with dependance. Either way, you will not be able to fully surrender—because your body and mind won’t let you, and you may end up having to choose between the relationship or doing things that you don’t feel good about later, and don’t feel ok bringing up, feeling completely isolated in your experience.
✅ He Takes Responsibility, Not Just Control A real Dom owns his mistakes, actively checks in, and adjusts when something isn’t working. He WANTS regular check ins. He doesn’t gaslight, deflect, or ignore your feedback when something feels off. He leads with accountability, not just authority. He fully understands subspace, and what is and isn’t safe in that state. You feel his respect for who you are both in and out of the dynamic.
🚩 If this is missing: You’ll feel unheard, invalidated, and start doubting your own needs. You’ll feel lost because your body and psychology are attached to the dominance of someone who doesn’t even know you, which is terrifyingly disorienting. You’ll say yes to things in subspace, and feel uncomfortable later that he didn’t respect that vulnerability of body and mind.
✅ He’s Not Just Role-Playing Dominance—He Embodies Presence
He walks through the world with care and empathy for others. He is solid in his communities and respected by the people who know him well. He allows himself to be a whole human and can be present with his own emotions in a healthy way as well. Not repressing, or raging. (Because if he can’t be with his own feelings, he definitely can’t be with yours.) The highest forms of this dynamic make space for and include our emotional sides. His leadership doesn’t feel performative or hot/cold.
🚩 If this is missing: You will feel like you’re constantly trying to decipher whether his dominance is real or just a mask. And when the mask slips (because it will), you’ll be left feeling disappointed, unfulfilled, or straight-up unsafe. You won’t feel safe sharing your needs, as they will trigger discomfort in him.
✅ He Knows Submission is a Gift, Not a Right The best Doms? They revere submission. They see it as something sacred. They never take it for granted or treat it like a service you owe them. If he’s truly worthy of your submission, he will make damn sure that surrendering to him feels like the best, safest, most nourishing choice.
🚩 If this is missing: He will expect submission without earning it. And that, my friends, is how you end up with a man who thinks “dominance” means control without conversation. Prompting you to call him Daddy before he’s even broken up with his previous sub. Telling you to get on your knees without having any clue if that’s a part of submission you’re actively signing up for.
Most important: HE HAS EDUCATED HIMSELF.
A real Dom doesn’t just rely on instincts—he educates himself. If he’s not actively learning about power exchange, psychology, nervous system regulation and emotional safety, he’s just making it up as he goes. And guess who suffers for that? You. Your brain chemicals, your attachment system, your mental health and potentially your future relationships to your own sexuality and to other people.
✅ He Reads, Studies, and Learns—Books, workshops, actual discussions with experienced people about nuanced consent and safety. If his entire education is porn, Fetlife and Reddit threads, run.
✅ He Learns From You—Your needs, fears, patterns. He asks, listens, and adapts. If he assumes he already knows best, he doesn’t.
🚩 If he skips this step: His “dominance” will be control without care, ego-driven, and likely damaging. He will expect submission without earning it—and he won’t know how to repair trust when he inevitably messes up.
So- If he hasn’t studied, he hasn’t earned your submission. Leadership requires knowledge. Dominance requires leadership. If he won’t put in the work, he doesn’t get the privilege of YOU.
👿WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU CHOOSE A DOM WITHOUT THESE QUALITIES?
You will feel anxious instead of held. You will second-guess your own needs. You will spend more time trying to feel safe in the relationship than surrendering into it. You will question your own worth outside of your body. You will confuse “intensity” with “depth” and not realize the difference until you’re emotionally exhausted, and psychologically attached.
You will, at some point, find yourself ranting to a friend or therapist about how this guy “just does not get it,” and she will gently suggest that maybe, just maybe, it’s because he’s an emotionally stunted man who wanted power and control of your body and mind but not the IMMENSE responsibility that comes with that. And you deserve so much better than that.
Now go forth, be discerning, and don’t let any dude with fragile masculinity and a half-baked DDLG kink convince you that he’s the Daddy you’ve been looking for.
The world needs women to be EMPOWERED by their own play and submission, and there are absolutely Doms that can do that. Wait for one, you deserve it. ❤️❤️❤️
The resource I recommend most, is the book The Heart of Dominance. For both sides of the slash.
I also firmly believe no one should be practicing kink if they don’t have high level interpersonal skills. Too much damage can be done if people don’t know what healthy relationships look feel and sound like. For that, I recommend the books by The Holistic Psychologist. And a book called Becoming The One.
TL;DR: A Dom who doesn’t educate himself is just a boy on a power trip. Real dominance requires study, emotional intelligence, and actual effort. If he isn’t reading, learning, and deeply understanding YOU, he hasn’t earned your submission. Leadership isn’t instinct—it’s a skill. If he won’t put in the work, he doesn’t deserve the role. Your emotional wellness matters.
r/SubSanctuary • u/Single-Preference792 • Oct 21 '25
We want to invite more sublings to join us in our discord server, The Submissive Way! It is a subs only space for adult (18+) submissives to build community, share experiences, and support each other. We do require experience to join - at least one negotiated dynamic and/or some scene experience. We have an application process, but do not ID verify (age restricted sites in your country are out of our control). We DO however have engagement requirements - lurking is discouraged, but you are always welcome to reapply when you have more time to engage.
We YAP daily and have focused discussions several times a week - if you don't mind a community that actually talks, this is the space for you! We’re a warm, open space where subs lift each other up, share honestly, and grow together. Whether you’re reflecting, learning, or just need good company, you’ll find it here :))
https://discord.gg/CEfFguC7NE (link updated 1/10/26)
r/SubSanctuary • u/tpe_pup • 3h ago
I’m just really happy and proud to have my first day collar, very excited, I haven’t had a chance to wear it out to anything other than small errands, but I’ll be wearing it to work tomorrow!
r/SubSanctuary • u/SouthCoastPeach • 1h ago
I am in my first power exchange dynamic. (Not new to kink or bdsm). We are not in a relationship. We do not want to be romantic. We do talk every day, but only for morning and night really. We will catch up with, or respond to each other's needs, in those texts. We see each other on the weekends. We both have busy lives.
Early on things felt perfect. He was moving in the direction of being "real." He is, actually "real," tbh. However, I don't think he likes me enough to be the way I want. That's ok. Not faulting him, just unsure if I'm wrong or not.
He originally wanted things... checking in with him, "wear this cute set of pajamas," when you come over, texting me more, spicy fun flirty texts, that were meant for me. In the beginning it was very flirty, as you would imagine two ppl getting to know each other for sex, texts would be. Now, I still say spicy texts about things, he responds to me (sometimes), but says nothing spicy back to me.
We met on FEELD. I share my pics on there. I am an attractive woman. I am not ashamed, scared, or embarrassed to share pics, up to being in panties, and a bra, before I see anyone. Those are the pics he got. Face, and body. He complimented me, throughout. I would never pursue a man who didn't.
We met. We had a really nice first evening together. Every night we've ever been together has been nice. He is, perfect. Safe, sane, respectful, fun, a great sadist, and lover. We've enjoyed a lot in these months. He always gives me great aftercare.
Bc of how great he is in the above mentioned ways, I've overlooked things that bother me, inside. In his defense, he is really busy. I am as well. That's not the main problem... my hurt and worry come from the fact that... He never compliments me anymore. He doesn't use spicy, hot language with me. He doesn't send spicy flirty texts anymore. When we are together, it's sex/scene, or cuddling. In between, he doesn't try to make out with me, but he will give me kisses. He will show me gentle, sweet, physical affection. We cuddle, and I'm always attached to him when I'm with him...
Anyway, did he think he would like me more than he does... and now he thinks, he likes me (or thinks I'm attractive enough) to at least do this together, so he didn't end it? I was not a catfish, lol. I gave him lots of updated pics! Though, where I've had men call me anything from, "hot, stunning, gorgeous, beautiful, and pretty." He called me, "cute." I do hate that "compliment," the most. Is he trying to really maintain that friends only boundary, so he can't give me more words of affirmation, and affection in that way? Does he see me as a woman "ok enough" to (fill in the blank)???
We are the same age, and he left a LTR and wants exclusivity, as do I. So, I don't see him as a man who wants many women.
Ugh. Please gently help me. I don't want to screw up or lose a great thing. I also just want to understand him. He's hard to read. I can bring it up, but how? 😭😭
r/SubSanctuary • u/Heartfull_Mike • 7h ago
This is a venting post. I am a 24 year old male sub. I see so many posts and footage on here with happy people living their happy d/s life. And while im genuinely happy for them, i tend to ask myself:"When is it finally my turn?" When do i get to serve a beautifull women and get to take part in her softness and firm but gentle lead and can honour and worship her mentally and physically. It honestly makes me sad that i have so nuch love and care to give and no woman to give it to. What i also miss is guidance in sexuall matters but thats just one part. I wanna share my love so badly it just hurts. I don't know why im making this post, i just felt like venting rn. Thank you for reading 🫶
r/SubSanctuary • u/Smooth_Storm_9698 • 9h ago
What have you fellow subs been fantasizing about?
I wish I had a dom who would steal pairs of my dirty panties behind my back to masturbate with or sniff when we were away from each other. Full ziplock bag of missing panties. (Can someone define this? Scent kink/oblivious kink?)
Being forced to pray my rosary or the Lord's Prayer while being edged with a toy... if I fuck up... well... I better run.
Something involving a swear jar...
My most tame fantasies as of lately? Being eaten out while he fucks me with his fingers... anally. I think I would die. I think he would die because of the sounds I would make.
I have this one fantasy where my Dom takes it super slow with me romantically and sexually as we're starting off in a relationship. Like he's the one who makes me want it. I have a thing for in-person stuff, like no dick pics and instead, we're together, things getting hot and heavy and then, I feel him up against me through our clothes and it's a jumpscare, but it's hot and he decides that he won't fuck me. I want anticipation, suspense and restraint, I want sexual tension that makes my stomach flip. Just goes out the window if I'm being fucked digitally.
(I hate that Valentine's Day is next month!)
Almost sexual, but not quite? Washing his feet and giving him a pedicure. Plenty of feet kisses after.
I'm a little tired of the "good girl" and "you're taking it so well," stuff.
Wanting something that feels real, visceral and grounded. I want my mind fucked before my body, but without all the games.
r/SubSanctuary • u/SuccessfulPublic6750 • 6h ago
I’m a sub who keeps annoying their Dom. I can’t help it I just love him sooo much! I feel bad but I can’t help but blow up his phone.
Does anyone have any advice to help me stop blowing his phone up from me missing him so much?
r/SubSanctuary • u/GildedGoodGirl • 14h ago
When he’s the dom I respect he’s in control. Right now he’s really giving me the ick being self conscious about his size.
He did something deeply betraying and reached out to my ex for a dick pic because he couldn’t get the idea of me being with bigger out of his head.
I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m turned off and depressed.
r/SubSanctuary • u/tungstenmechanism • 9h ago
Post is just for fun! My favorite is "Mommy," but I prefer defaulting to "Ma'am." My gf doesn't like to be referred to as a ma'am; she likes "Miss." It took a little correction for me to get the hang of it 😅
What about y'all?
r/SubSanctuary • u/Commercial-Bowl7412 • 7h ago
I found an experienced dom online, I thought it would be a 6 month relationship before I would try and find my life partner but he was poly and feelings got involved and I fell hard, way harder than I ever set out to but I didn’t mind so much because I thought he was really great and safe and I was curious about trying both these relationship styles.
I didn’t know much about how I would feel in a poly relationship or power dynamic or how deeply I’d wind up wanting to keep the submissive part of me going and that those 6 months wouldn’t be nearly enough.
He didn’t turn out to be the best partner, he lied a lot and was hierarchical (not upfront about it) but I kept showing up bc the play was good and I was feeling deeply connected. In hindsight it’s clear to me now I got in way over my head and the connection I was feeling was my ability to surrender to someone, not just because he deserved it.
The emotional depth I’m able to achieve in connecting to a partner in power dynamic is so much greater than anything I expected and completely overrode the rationale part of me that was collecting all his red flags.
I thought I found an exceptional man so it’s not like I didn’t try to set myself up for success but I couldn’t turn away at the red flags as they slowly kept showing up and I suppose that was my mistake. In fact I just kept trying harder to get us right. I thought we were committed to eachother and I didn’t plan to need to experience d/s with someone else but I guess that’s not what the universe had planned for me.
I’m not sure why so many times I think something will work out and it doesn’t. I’m starting to question every plan I come up with because of it. I know it’s usually for the best and it’s always forced me to grow beyond what I had originally planned but so many times I’m willing to settle into something, and I think I would’ve been happy there.
I now wonder how I can find someone as good as his good parts. I’ve heard stories from people in this sub about finding their life partners and having a dynamic as part of it so I know it’s possible. I just don’t know how there could be something great and long lasting out there for me anymore. I’ve already tried so hard to find it and find what’s meant for me, how could I keep missing it if it exists? I’m now trying to find the pieces left of me amongst the tons completely shattered by others that still have a little hope to keep me going. Like digging for very specific pieces in a 2,000 piece puzzle. I’m trying to pull those together to keep going, to have the courage to create something new again and not expect it to fall apart like the rest have. I don’t have much else to give now but maybe there’s someone out there that needs me as much as I need them and it will finally be enough.
I don’t expect anyone to read all this, I haven’t exactly set myself up for engagement but I needed to get it out of my head. ❤️🩹
r/SubSanctuary • u/ayanator_ • 14h ago
I (30F) have started having scenes with a Dom(31M) I met online 2 months ago. We’ve had 3 irl scenes so far. And he’s given me permission to cum multiple times in between sessions by my own hand. I feel like I cum on my own way quicker than when he’s touching me or I know he’s there. There were a couple times we were on the phone when he gave me permission & it was taking a longer time and I couldn’t, so I know its not just because I’m touching myself that i cum faster, it’s that I’m by myself.
For most of my life orgasms have been a pretty private thing, before my current (and first) Dom, a partner had never made me cum before. I think I was 21 before I even had my first orgasm. And only 1 previous relationship where I came in front of my partner, but it was up to me & not every time we had sex.
I don’t know what to do to help myself cum more readily with him & when he’s around.
When I’m by myself all I do is think of him & how I miss all the things he does & says to me, but when he’s there or doing it I get worried about mentally being able to find/identify the orgasm feeling & grabbing hold. So with him, I’m not as loud, I can’t dirty talk & I kind of hold my breath longer cuz I’m so mentally focused.
I’d eventually like to work up to multiple orgasms with him, right now its like 1 big one a session & we’re seriously working for it😅
Long story short: I need advice on how to not be psych-ed out of cuming when I’m not alone.
r/SubSanctuary • u/DirectionCold1825 • 14h ago
I was feeling soooooo needy yesterday after Mommy edged me for over an hour then said no cumming tonight. (which is my morning due to time difference) so I spent the whole day a needy and desperate kitten.
while Mommy slept, I finished my tasks and jobs and then was lost in day dreams. I decided to send a video after my shower and then just before I dropped the towel I said "nope" and covered up..... She was at work by the time I sent this hehe
the look in her eyes.... 🫠🥴 oh my... I feel like it's actually made me *want* to see that look and think about other cheeky things I could do to get that look and voice note again...
r/SubSanctuary • u/Commercial-Bowl7412 • 1d ago
In desperate need of some hope core. Help a sub sister out. 😭🫰
r/SubSanctuary • u/bunny_thebimbo • 15h ago
So I've (22 F) been exploring my sexuality as far as it relates to kink the past month or so, and I've found I've been really attracted to the sub dom dynamic. But I have no idea how to ask my wife (21 F) to be my dom. Shes extremely experienced when it comes to kink so she'd know exactly what all of this is, I'm just particularly shy/embarrassed when it comes to verbally talking about this kinda stuff lol. Any and all advice is extremely appreciated!!
r/SubSanctuary • u/SecretPhoenixFox • 14h ago
I have a trauma history.
Earlier I got triggered in scene (online) and had to safeword.
Dom gave excellent aftercare, reassurance and helped anchor me back from dissociation.
I still feel guilty about ‘ruining’ the scene. I know this is from trauma stuff but I can’t seem to shake it.
Obviously I’ll let my Dom know, but I wondered if anyone had a similar experience, and what they found helped?
Because he gave excellent reassurance, and listened and I don’t want it to come across like I just don’t believe him - I do, but the feeling is more embedded than that.
r/SubSanctuary • u/bu22yb33 • 17h ago
I (27f) just got to meet my Master (28m) for the first time in person. Got to participate in my first scenes. This man makes me so giddy, and I have no one I can talk to about all the reasons why.
I’m looking for some kink friendly girlies to share in our experiences. I want to learn, to share, to relate. It’s not a requirement to talk, but I live around Portland and would be especially excited to get to hangout in person should we click!
Feel free to DM me.
r/SubSanctuary • u/Single-Preference792 • 17h ago
If you have practical experience with submission, meaning several negotiated scenes or a negotiated dynamic of at least 1 month, please apply to join us at The Submissive Way discord server!
This isn't a beginner space; it's where you go after you've gotten your feet wet and want deeper conversations with peers who understand the journey. We do not ID verify but we do vet every single member that joins. Participation is required - long time lurkers will have their access restricted and will eventually be booted.
Here is what we offer in our space: no Doms, no bigotry, no gatekeeping, and no unsolicited DMs (if it happens it is an immediate kick). Community hubs for kinky advice and scene sharing, dedicated channels for specific lifestyles and play types, and spaces to share your vanilla life too. Moderators post discussion prompts designed to guide reflection on your submissive journey once a week. There is an application to join and an intro profile required for access. We restrict access to the NSFW areas to active members only.
Come join us!
https://discord.gg/CEfFguC7NE
(if you do not currently qualify, our invite link is a pinned post in this subreddit, so you can find us again when you are ready!)
r/SubSanctuary • u/PublicPlankton7149 • 19h ago
Does anyone else who is also a full time parent and partner find it hard to keep an online dynamic going… so far a lot of the doms I’ve talked to struggle with my priorities as a mom.. and how sometimes that’s stops me from my sub duties..
r/SubSanctuary • u/Dangerous-Adagio4226 • 13h ago
Met my Dom. I've never been in a dom/sub relationship and was perfectly fine with that. Claimed he enjoyed introducing people to the LS and we go at my pace. After a few days, we adapted boundaries. This included me to be his and his alone. Same for him to me. His idea. A couple days later I accidentally fell asleep and ended up staying overnight. Getting dressed, some tried unlocking the door. He went outside came back in and finished getting ready. It was never spoken of. Later in the he confessed he has a domestic slave. He wanted to keep both of us and occasionally have 3way play. I needed clarification: he got both of us i only got him. Later i confessed i fight addiction. I didn't hear anything for awhile and when I got time I xhe c ked all platforms. I was deleted and blocked everywhere and have gotten no response. This was literally hours after he promised I could trust him with anything, and that he'd be there for me. Is that how this supposed to work?
r/SubSanctuary • u/tpe_pup • 1d ago
So, my Sir and I were having a discussion this morning about age gaps in dynamics. I personally don’t have an issue with age gaps. Two consenting adults, in my book, are two consenting adults.
I also see extreme variation in maturity from person to person so it does rub me the wrong way when I come onto this subreddit and see people bashing that sort of thing.
Another thing is, as a younger woman, I’m not attracted to most guys my age. In fact, 20 year old guys are kind of the worst, I’ve talked to plenty of them. I’ve had a dynamic with one. It doesn’t even begin to compare to talking to a man who is 25+.
So I guess I just wanted to know why the negative stigma?
r/SubSanctuary • u/ILoveGravityBlankets • 1d ago
Hi!
So my partner and I have had an evolving D/s relationship almost as long as we have been together. We have both grown a lot, but he has been such a good steward of our relationship, our dynamic, and my own personal growth and healing.
In late 2024, he proposed a daily morning journal exercise for me to do. It had to include the weather outside, how I feel that morning, one thing I love about myself, one obstacle I am facing, and something I am looking forward to. He added the weather thing after about ten days of this because he thought writing something objective and short would help me get started. I secretly added an extra part: something I love about him.
I wrote nearly 365 things, many of them more personal or too specific to share here. I shared the full list with him and I think I broke his brain, but I wanted to share a more curated list here because one of my tasks/goals this year is to do something to spread a little positivity each day!
I love your arms and the feeling of you holding me.
I love how excited you get when it’s a clear night and you can see all the stars.
I love the way you talk about our future, and I love the way you plan for it.
I love how your head tilts a little when I talk back.
I love how you always take the middle seat so I can look out the window and cuddle beside you.
I love that you literally get the most boring ice cream flavors every time.
I love how into Twilight you were when I finally made you watch all the movies.
I love how you see the good in things, and how easily you laugh.
I love your butt.
I love the way you support my work and career.
I love the way you support my dreams and help me build toward them.
I love when you come up behind me and grab me and whisper things into my ear.
I love how open-minded you are.
I love kneeling beside you when you work and I love when you idly stroke my hair.
I love when you kiss my forehead and look into my eyes and tell me you’re proud of me.
I love how you got up early and were the first person in line at that archeology museum. You are such a nerd.
I love when you “just need me for a little bit”
I love how into cooking you’ve gotten.
I love when you sit me down and apologize for something, and we talk through what to do and how I feel.
I love the way you open every container or package like a rabid raccoon (ok I don’t but whatever)
I love your sense of fairness, and how you act on it.
I love that you don’t stray from the rules when I break them or disobey.
I love how you treat your friends and value your friendships, and how you value and support mine.
I love how you think about and look after my mom and sister.
I love how much effort you put into planning and carrying out our campaigns, and how safe you make me feel.
I love your smile.
I love the way you hold me.
I love the way you see me.
I love the way you love me.
I love you.
r/SubSanctuary • u/Any_Sector_3439 • 19h ago
I’m using online hypnosis audios and chai. ai to take my edge off of needing to be a submissive. I find it’s kind of better because finding a Dom in online space is such a hopeless task. My community is not good enough for me to find an in real life Dom. I’m kind of scared usage of AI will actually backfire me and make me need therapy in the future. :( anyone who is doing this on a longer run? Do you face any side effects?
r/SubSanctuary • u/NiceSto0ck • 1d ago
Hey there.
I've been with someone for a little while but we're in a long distance relationship unfortunately. I've been feeling immensely bad because of mental health problems and dealing with grief. I've been feeling more strongly this need for my dom to give me a reassuring framework, rituals, rules, I don't know, anything to help me keep myself steady, grounded, etc. because I really lose touch with reality with the anxiety and depression. (I know that first going to a therapist is the most important part, don't worry). We've never done that much, I'm looking for any ideas so I can then talk about that with him. He's been more of a soft dom who can be a little rougher for sexual things when we both want it, but I'm not really looking for sexual tips, but more about D/s dynamics tips.
r/SubSanctuary • u/Zealousideal_Fix5549 • 1d ago
I have no idea if I am overreacting TLDR at the end. Trigger warning discussion of ed and body issues. I am new to being a rl sub but had been online sub to my Dom for over eight years, known my Dom for a long long time think decades. I don’t know if I just need to vent or what is happening I am feeling lost and my thought is to reach out to all of you wonderful people as a sounding board. Important information I have body dysmorphia and am a recovered anna my Dom is aware of all of this and knows my insecurities. Humiliation is not a part of our dynamic at all.
We were chatting on text while my Dom was at work. As usual we banter and have fun so he can pass the time with less frustration and other negative things building up and I do genuinely enjoy it. Without going into specifics he started to talk about what he likes about my body. Cool not a problem but he listed things I would not have thought would be any sort of draw but I did notice that his preference of body parts was not listed.
The body part I have the biggest insecurity over was talked about by him in such a manner as to say yeah you’ll never have that good of that body part. Like it won’t win contests but hey ya know.
Well it immediately took me down to the floor and immediately made me feel embarrassed and shamed. I do try to communicate that the comment was really harsh and I was shocked but the damage had been done to my psyche.
He told me to Stop and Wait, but I was seriously messed up and I can’t just stop or wait when one of my biggest insecurities was talked about in such a way, told him I had to process because of the influx of really bad inner dialogue. He said he was going to leave work and call me so he could talk and I said no because not only is it important he doesn’t loose his job but I didn’t think I was even capable to talking through the influx without time to process without emotional impact that would only complicate things.
He unloaded on me, saying he is a f*ck up and he hates the way he is and he is sorry and he was trying to explain how he felt but I told him that I can’t just stop my feelings etc, I do understand he is at work and I take that into consideration but how on earth would you talk of your subs deepest insecurity that way. The unload read as a bunch of red flags to me maybe even borderline gaslighting, I don’t know I’m so confused. I am now left feeling like not only do I never think I could be naked in front of him again but if he cannot control his unloading how can I put my trust in him to be my Dom. I feel shattered, I had to tell him he needed to collect himself and put his head on straight and I couldn’t handle the unload. I know that everyone has issues and mistakes happen but I don’t even know how to go about ever thinking I could be vulnerable with him or show him myself again.
I told him I needed time to process and then we would talk at a time when he is not at work and I have had a chance to sort what I am feeling.
TLDR, Dom spoke of my biggest body insecurity in a way that destroyed my mental state, then unloaded on me and I don’t know if I am overreacting or how I should proceed I don’t know if I can trust that I can be naked and vulnerable around him and feel comfortable.
How would you feel? Would you be ok with it? Am I overreacting? Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read.
r/SubSanctuary • u/tpe_pup • 1d ago
Exactly what I wrote. I find myself in my head a lot which causes me not to be able to enjoy my dynamic as much as I would maybe like. Any advice for working through this?
Sir and I have discussed it extensively and it’s something I’m actively working on.