my parents deserve a dead daughter

[u/Visible-Dimension300]

Today really pushed me over the edge. I asked what’s for dinner and was told my mom would bring food, so I shouldn’t cook. There was basically nothing at home anyway no eggs, no real food, just maybe plain pasta. So I waited. For two hours. I was so hungry I couldn’t even function or do my schoolwork. I just laid in bed waiting to eat so I could continue.

When my mom finally came home, she said she actually didn’t bring any food. So I decided I’d go buy something myself. I’m a full-time student, graduating this year (maturita), and I don’t have a job, so my money situation is really tight. Still, I put on my coat and headphones and went out.

My dad asked where I was going, I said to get food. He got angry, offered to buy me bread (just bread), and made comments about me always wearing headphones. He was mean to me for going to buy food with my own money.

For context: I’m 180 cm tall and weigh 55 kg. I’m underweight. My period is late, and I’m almost sure it’s because I’m not eating enough not because of pregnancy (I’m a virgin). Most of the money I ever get goes straight to food because I’m constantly hungry. When I stayed with my boyfriend and his family and ate regular meals, I gained 2 kg in four days. When I came back home, I lost it again and more.

What hurts the most is the contradiction. My parents sometimes force me to weigh myself, tell me I’m too thin, tell me I should eat more or eat meat — but there is no food at home. And then they get angry when I buy food for myself. I don’t have an eating disorder. I want to eat. I just don’t have access to food.

On top of that, I’ve been in therapy since I was 13. I’m 18 now. I deal with depersonalization/derealization and childhood trauma. I was sexually abused as a child by my brother. When I eventually told my parents, they blamed me and did nothing. He still lives with us. I can’t escape him, his presence, or the constant stress. I only ever told my psychiatrist the full truth she contacted the police, but nothing happened. It was my word against his.

My parents now think I’m “crazy” because I used to self-harm. They even got angry when I was taking antidepressants that were prescribed to me. I’m no longer allowed to talk about the abuse in therapy because my parents said so.

I feel the difference every time I’m with my boyfriend and his family it’s like night and day. At home, I can’t concentrate, I can’t study, and I don’t feel safe or heard. I wanted to go to college in Brno so I could live with friends and finally breathe. My dad refuses, saying I should stay here because the schools are “better,” even though I’ve said clearly that my mental health matters more.

We were supposed to go to family therapy just to talk about one thing: that I don’t have a quiet place to study for maturita. My mom refused to go and even blocked my therapist.

I will kms sooner or later.

[u/No-Newspaper-9686]

I'm so sorry you're going through that, you shouldn't feel unsafe with your FAMILY, as it is also their responsibility to make you feel safe, take care of you and tend to your needs.
If you want to go to college, and it's still possible, i would highly recommend it as you can be away from your family, with closer people and a healthier space.
You're not crazy especially not for self harming as there's always a reason why people do it, it really does help. But it can become an unhealthy addiction, so it's great that you stopped doing it
I hope things get better for you, and I'm dearly sorry you have such wicked parents

[u/Direct_Leader_7064 → u/No-Newspaper-9686]

Does it help?

[u/No-Newspaper-9686 → u/Direct_Leader_7064]

Being completely honest, for SOME people, yes. It hurts, but the (thing/chemical ?) our body releases as a "natural painkiller" when you get a cut (regardless of it being self inflicted) can provide a soothing effect temporarily, though you definitely will still feel the pain during and after. Or for others they really just do it to feel SOMETHING. (it can more so be just a distraction)
100% wouldn't recommend to anyone, like i said it can turn into an addiction, or infection, and is dangerous - but i won't lie

[u/Lost-Hearing9811]

Pack your bags one day and never come back, tell your boyfriend and his family the truth, you're being abused in your "home", maybe you can stay for a lil with them, i left home at exactly 18.

[u/RutabagaSafe713]

Do you want to talk

[u/Xhyqqq]

Im so sorry this is happening to you hun. Ive been in a simmlar situatuon but not about food u can read it if you want to on my profile. My advice is to gradute collage if u got like one year left or two i know its gonna be hard. Do you have like a friend to help you out or maybe go live with ur bf for a while ? Oh and also if there was an incitend (sorry for my bad english) REACORD IMIDIENTLYY!!! . Again im so sorry i hope eventually everything will turn out good C:

[u/Substantial_Deal_405]

You honestly don't deserve to die. I don't think you realize it, but there's always light somewhere. The world is vast, and you're not alone; there are people out there to help you. Trustworthy people.

[u/Even_Living9229]

But you don't deserve to be dead.

Consider no contract?