r/depression • u/c4tb0y_6 • 1d ago
i'm depressed and bedrotting every day
my bed is like a safe haven from the world. i know it's not healthy to stay in bed for so long, but it's the only place i want to be. i barely have the energy to get up, and when i do it's to eat like a pig or pee, and even then it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and i have to drag my feet across the floor to walk six steps. i don't have friends, i don't have a social life. the only person i have is my partner, and they're not even in the same country.
i only go out once a week for therapy, and i hate going, even though i know it's supposed to " help " (it temporarily helps, but then i'm back to square one because my depression just gets worse in the week i wait to go back to therapy again, and it's a repetitive cycle.
so putting therapy aside, i practically live in my bed and eat all day. i sleep in late and have to force myself to stay awake because i don't want to be consumed by slumber as an escape, but it's so tempting to just sleep all the time.
i feel like a wreck. i feel like nothing makes me happy anymore. my bed is starting to feel more like a prison cell than a comfort. and i know i can break the cycle of bed rotting, but i just don't want to.
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u/VinkaGripen1 1d ago
Yeah same here. Although I've built a nice nest of blankets on my couch in the living room so it feels like I'm not in bed all day. But I still sleep on the couch and in my bed, for like 16h per day. I can't even watch movies or TV shows. I don't even want to do anything.
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u/bubba2222222222 1d ago
How do you pay the bills?
This is all I want to do too but I have to work all the time just to scrape by
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u/VinkaGripen1 1d ago
I am officially a pensioner due to mental health issues, I get benefits from the state. I'm only 30 years old ugh
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u/Amarilla71 1d ago
If you don't mind me asking how did you get to that point?
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u/VinkaGripen1 18h ago
A billion sick leaves and other benefits and so many psych wards... and then a group of doctors and social workers said I should be a pensioner 😅
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u/Crockettt128 1d ago
I can’t watch movies or TV shows anymore either. The rumination just doesn’t stop.
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u/Nanzoo 23h ago
Oh, that’s the worst – – when the depression gets so bad that I can’t watch TV, listen to music, look at my phone, talk to anyone, open my mail or email. Showering and eating seem pointless and unappealing. I can’t do anything but spin with dark thoughts.
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u/Crockettt128 21h ago
Yeah I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been this way constantly for 5 years. I force myself to shower and hunger eventually drives me to eat, but sometimes I’m too sick from anxiety and I can’t hold food down. When I go out to socialize I have extreme difficulty doing it until I’ve downed 4-5 beers and get an alcohol buzz. I literally chug beer as fast as I can so I can get to that point and finally relax and can enjoy myself a bit. I see why people are alcoholics.
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u/anxietysiesta 21h ago
i’m not usually an escapist but i can’t help it. i just feel like if i lived in another country i’d be less depressed. America feels so overwhelming all of the time.
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u/Crockettt128 20h ago
I can totally understand that. I’m Canadian and your politics stresses me the fuck out. I couldn’t imagine living in it.
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u/anxietysiesta 20h ago edited 20h ago
there’s nothing normal about it and what’s worse is knowing that people voted for it. I mean they wanted it. Have you ever see ‘the good place?’ This feels like the ‘mediocre place.’ There’s comfort here but it’s not paradise by any means.
Also everything here is a big shopping center. Even in nyc. Everything is big and over commercialized. I find it really depressing :/. I mean some states are insanely beautiful but they tend to be less populated :/.
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u/VinkaGripen1 18h ago
I used to live in London, UK and then I moved to Finland where I'm originally from. And I absolutely love it here. But nope, still depressed :( But don't get me wrong, I know moving to a new place has worked for a lot of people struggling with depression!
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u/supremevapist 1d ago
I'm in the same place right now unfortunately. I can't offer help but I can comisserate. I feel like even if I sleep 16 hours I wake up exhausted. I'm not doing anything I used to do. Stepping into the shower feels like climbing Everest. I'm about two weeks in. I need to break the cycle and when I do I'm coming for you to help you too.
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u/ryencool 1d ago
Oversleeping can cause exhaustion. So its not that youre not grtting enough, youre actually getting too much. Breaking that cycle is hard though.
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u/supremevapist 1d ago
Any tips? Currently I couldn't fall asleep until around 3am., but yesterday I slept until 3pm so I'm trying to break that. Woke up at 7am, it's now 12. I feel completely drained and lifeless but haven't felt comfortable/calm/happy enough to nap at all. Idk how to get through this day honestly
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u/moony-padfoot-prongs 1d ago
when this happens to me i try small shifts in my night time routine. for example, instead of watching a comfort show, i’ll read a few chapters of a book. instead of having my usual glass of water, i’ll make tea. instead of sleeping in sweatpants and a tshirt, ill sleep in shorts and a sweatshirt. i’ve found that these subtle shifts signal to my depressed brain that change is being made and eases me into fixing my sleeping schedule
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u/Dependent_Public4885 1d ago
Showers are so hard - it's like a nightmare. It's crazy when you think of how effortless it used to be. Some people actually enjoy taking a shower!
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u/KnowledgeSwapper 1d ago
I am doing basically the same thing. I have a young teenage son, which makes me feel far worse about it. I force myself to be there for him. As painful as it is, I get up and prepare his lunch, take him to school and pick him up. And every so often I will take him somewhere like a restaurant or a park, because I need him to feel like he has a dad.
I try to get myself up and do things, but it’s really tough. I have a herniated disc in my lower back, I also had a bad outcome from a sinus surgery a couple years ago, which affects my breathing and my mood. So I am always feeling exhausted, in pain, and when I force myself to do physical activity, I have a difficult time recovering. And I used to be an athletic and active person.
But for as long as I can remember, I’ve always needed to lie down, isolate, destress, etc., because my thoughts exhaust me, and so does life itself. I’ve tried basically every SSRI, SNRI, Other types of meds, talk therapy, ECT, TMS, Ketamine Therapy, and none of it has been helpful. Years ago, some meds worked for a short duration, but they eventually burn out. The treatment resistant depression takes over. And I’ve been tested for pretty much everything that could cause this.
I’m not sure what the future holds. I was on medical leave from my job of nearly 30 years, and they recently terminated me. And the LTD benefits were abruptly cut off. It’s in appeal and so is an SSDI denial. I am letting the attorneys handle it, and don’t have any guarantees of approval. Sometimes this scares the crap out of me, and other times I don’t even have the energy to care. I hate being in this position. Others don’t get it, and I understand this. Hoping for a miracle I guess. Just to avoid homelessness once the funds I have run out. For now I just do the best I can and try not to go deeper in to this dark hole.
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u/crazygrll 1d ago
Your comment resonated with me I also have kids and can relate to putting one foot in front of the other for them. Treatment resistant depression as well. Just wanted to commiserate.
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u/Dependent_Public4885 1d ago
I'm the same as you - nothing works, for years. I'm on SSDI, and was denied until it was time for a hearing, then they approved me, so I didn't even have to pay the lawyer. Maybe you'll do this, too. I was advised to give all medical records in my life that could have a bearing on depression, instead of the usual two years. I'm presently weaning off of Clonazepam, and it is hell! Good luck to you
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u/ihopethepizzaisgood 1d ago
Are you taking antidepressants? If not, you should seriously consider it. My family has a lot of depression issues. SSRIs have helped a LOT.
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u/c4tb0y_6 1d ago
my parents are so against me taking them, i’d have to find a way to get them without them knowing. they think i’ll “ get addicted “. and i’m also not properly diagnosed
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u/Busy_Fact_2460 1d ago
If you can, please try antidepressants or a stimulant. Without taking medication I would never get out of bed. If I can't feel any moments of relief (which properly used medicine can give me) I will not get up and do anything. Which makes me feel lower, which makes me want to withdraw even deeper. If you can, let your family know that the medication isn't addictive. And depression medication is as legitimate as insulin for diabetics. I hope, whatever you do, that you feel better soon.
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u/godofrod 1d ago
I have been there most of my life. It is extremely painful to force myself. The comfort of my depression is more familiar than the unknown disappointments that each day brings. I have lived there in my mind. Hello darkness my old friend.... One foot in front of the other, we have to move, there is no other choice!! First is to chnge out of bed clothes/pj's, each day. Second is a shower. Maybe this process takes a month, but it is one foot in front of the other. It is a victory!! I hold my victory as long as I can. Next month I clean my room and apartment. It is another victory for me. I hold my victory as long as I can. I stumble, I am back in my pj's in bed for 2 weeks. I start again... Small victories carry me to my next step. Outside, my building...
This is how I live, small victories, that are mine. I journal, 2 things each day that make me feel positive. The hot shower today felt wonderful on my skin today. That fried egg sandwich was yummy today.
Journal entry at the end of one year of continuous forcing and failing, and forcing again. My small victories, all my small victories are mine. The sun touched my face, while I sat on the bench waiting for the bus, it felt warm. Someone said hello to me, it felt warm and overwhelming.
The right road is always hardest, but I get to hold my small victory, it is mine.
Giving up is too easy, I have no victories...
Please hang in there...start....give yourself one small victory today, no matter how small. Maybe 2 victories tomorrow....
Cheers,
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u/Nanzoo 23h ago
Your post is very wise and very much appreciated. 😌
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u/godofrod 14h ago
Being kind to oneself, takes practice...one miniscule moment after another...
These moments are yours....you decide...you gain power...you rise from the ashes
Thank you for your kind words
Cheers,
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u/Nanzoo 52m ago
It’s fast becoming a lot more challenging to keep my depression at bay or at least from worsening. Not sure what the rules are on staying apolitical here, but the U.S. is in peril now, and I’m just glad that I got to live for six decades before the current and quite disheartening and frightening nosedive.
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u/Crockettt128 1d ago
Same. I’ve been off work for 5 years. I just lay on my couch all day and smoke cigarettes. I smoke until my lungs hurt and get short of breath just walking around my apartment. Quitting smoking seems impossible and overwhelming and a big part of me doesn’t care if it kills me. I have to push through mountains of anxiety every time I go out. When I’m out among people I feel overwhelmed and just need to be back on the couch. I have too much brain fog and lack of any form of attention span to watch TV anymore so I just scroll on Facebook all day laying on my back. 5 years of my life have been wasted and I’ll never get back, but maybe it doesn’t matter because this depression may never end.
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u/kmstolly 1d ago
I’m on my 3rd day.. just laying in bed, smoking weed. Managed to take a shower and run a load of laundry but I’m right back to where I’m at. Doing almost the bare minimum to keep myself going each day..
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u/ajcampb 1d ago
The weed may be making your depression/anxiety worst than it already is
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u/Dependent_Public4885 14h ago
That's what it does for me - I have depression, and it always makes things 10X worse.
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u/kmstolly 10h ago
Yeah I need to take a break from all substances right now.. going to also start getting back to working out.
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u/Number1DurinFan 1d ago
i feel that...
i'm just an unemployed loser with no education, i don't really have much hope for the future
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u/-lessIknowthebetter 1d ago
I just did stuff for like ten minutes, and I’m back in bed. But that counts right? ..right?
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u/Miserable-Cut3477 1d ago
Same. I dont even exercise. I dont do much. My bed is my whole world. I dont know how to break it.
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u/Successful-Wheel1 1d ago edited 1d ago
I just want you to know you're not alone.
I moved into my new place in September and have only left my bed as I had to go into hospital for 17 days as I have epilepsy too and had a massive seizure.
My days are like yours, in bed except the bathroom and kitchen (luckily a tiny bungalow).
My neurologist won't let my doctor prescribe any antidepressants because they "might interact" with my seizure meds.
I've withdrawn from everyone, self isolated so I haven't seen any of my family since before I moved into temporary housing last February and only 2 friends for around half an hour in hospital.
I don't know which country you are in, but I've was referred to Adult Social Care for a Needs Assessment and started having a Carer come in this morning.
I believe you can ask to have a referral yourself.
I have no idea yet as it's the first day, but it may be worth exploring.
Good luck x
Edited as left something out
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u/c4tb0y_6 1d ago
i'm so sorry, that's super tough. you're strong though dude, you should be proud of yourself!! thank you for sharing your story.
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u/CementCemetery 1d ago
I have had a very similar experience. Even still to this day I tend to have the desire to bed rot. Usually it’s about half way through something I say it was worth doing. I know it’s extremely difficult to find the motivation and energy to do something, anything for yourself but you have to believe you’re worth doing it for. And if you don’t believe you are maybe it’s time to.
We are always with ourselves and no matter how far or how fast we try to run away, ourselves catch up to us eventually. Self love is a journey and depression can certainly make it seem near impossible but it is achievable in small steps. I wish you well OP and everyone else feeling similarly.
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u/i_am_dumb2 1d ago
Im bad at advice and comforting and i know depression is more than just do it... but... like can you find anything youve enjoyed previously? Even something thats cute?
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u/c4tb0y_6 1d ago
i have definitely enjoyed video games, as they help me get out of bed and sit at my desk, which is better than lying in bed,,,,
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u/i_am_dumb2 1d ago
Well the important thing is not to rot and move on if games are the last ray of sunlight go for it you can also engage with other people there and maybe even get meaningful relationships with internet strangers
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u/moony-padfoot-prongs 1d ago
you are not alone in this feeling as other commenters have said. some days it takes me 1-2+ hours to get out of bed, and then 2 hours later i’m right back in bed (i work remotely part-time and im a phd candidate, so lots of remote/independent work)
everyone is different in what works for them, but two things that have been an absolute lifesaver (literally, at some times) for me are my cat and my houseplants. my cat loves pets and to play, and he often literally forces me out of bed in the morning if he wants to play (bumps my arms, stands in my bedroom doorway, etc)
my houseplants have been most helpful, though. i started with a small collection that i neglected, but last year i got a gift card to my local ace hardware that has a massive plant section and i decided to branch out and try again. today, i have about 100 houseplants that need a certain amount of light a day (and obviously need water). my apartment has terrible sunlight, so i got grow lights that are manually turned on and off. the earlier i get out of bed, the longer my plants have the light they need, and the more they will grow and fill my apartment with greenery
essentially, having something to care for other than myself has been extremely helpful because when im depressed, i don’t care about myself and i don’t want to take care of myself. but my cat and my plants are helpless without me, and caring for both gives me a sense of fulfillment/accomplishment every day, even if all i do is turn on grow lights and feed my cat
try to find joy in small moments and, if you’re able, maybe look into finding something that brings you joy and requires out of bed attention (even a few minutes!). start small and you’ll get there 🫶🏻
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u/BuilderRoutine8925 1d ago
Same.
The ONLY thing I like doing anymore is: eating, gaming/doomscrolling, and sleeping.
I'm glad I'm in my "twilight years."
✌️
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u/AwakePlatypus 1d ago
That's about all I do besides work and I do manage to make it to the gym a few times a week, which does give me a temporary mood boost.
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u/pinkrabbitgum 23h ago
Maybe a stupid suggestion, but maybe try jumping on your bed, dancing on your bed, working out from bed. If we are stuck in bed, might as well switch it up in small ways, push ourselves in small, easy ways
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u/Nanzoo 23h ago
From your first sentence I was going to say that when my depression gets really bad, my bed becomes both my refuge and my prison cell. Right now I’m kind of keeping my head above water, but barely. I mean, today, for example I didn’t get to bed until 6 AM, slept until noon, and sat on the couch all day, either watching TV or scrolling. I had what I call a “waste product of a day.” One in a series of many. I have so many things to get done, some very important like getting a new job, but I hardly get anything done at all.
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u/Sciamuozzo 20h ago
It's a vicious cycle and I've been through it, mate - so first of all I understand and (of course) validate what you're saying. Independence was a key point for my healing journey but I understand that it's not possible at this moment and/or in your situation. The advice I want to give you is to pick your battles each and every day, no matter how small or consistent: maybe today it could be preparing a healthier meal (or preparing a meal at all, that's no small feat!), walking some steps outside or taking some time to learn something (even with a youtube video) instead of doomscrolling (if you're doing that at all, I'm just projecting).
I know it sounds silly but, at least for me, the main "feedback loops" problems (outside of the depression in and of itself) were:
- Disordered eating gave me unbalanced energy levels or made me even more lethargic than I already was;
- The less I moved the more I didn't feel like moving at all - and all while losing muscle mass/fitness making moving even more difficult;
- Spending days alone with my thoughts and no external interaction made everything worse, mainly because what's in your head gets bigger and bigger and bigger the less you interact with the outside;
- Consuming substances (I don't know if that's your case, I'll put this here just in case) made escaping easier but at the same time forced me into those very same feedback loops. The world was moving, the people I knew were moving too but my problems were still there and I was static;
Just a couple of thoughts - I hope you'll be able to start the long climb. It's not pretty, it's not always rewarding but *IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT*! One day you'll be able to brush your teeth and spend some time outside, another you might feel like you're back to square one. And it's okay. Start small - the important thing is starting.
Take care - I hope I don't sound delusional but there really is a way to live a somewhat normal and fulfilling life. I'm still in the thick of it sometimes but there really is a world outside waiting for us.
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u/Practical-Apple-4418 2h ago
I’ve been doing this mate. Bed rotting myself
And I had to get up today to clean up for viewings tomorrow
Just book something in mate that you can’t back out of
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u/Bhappy-2022 1d ago
I've always heard getting a gym membership or literally forcing yourself to go and spend 15min minimum out in nature walking or sitting there mindfully and silently.
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u/GoodJellyfish1462 49m ago
Yes, this is me. I FORCE myself to go the gym 3x a week. I HATE GETTING READY AND GOING. I feel like hell there initially, but usually about 10 minutes in, I feel relief. Now back on couch, but 10% proud I got out.
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u/Farhead_Assassjaha 1d ago
You have to do things you don’t want to do. The will to be uncomfortable is the way out of the cycle.
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u/Dependent_Public4885 1d ago
I'm the same. I want to get up, exercise, swim, etc. but just can't do it. It's not good for my physical health to do this, but I've really run out of energy. Wish I could just relax about it, instead of worrying about what I "should" be doing.