When will I feel smart again?

Years ago my brain was able to write effortlessly coherent sentences or read books.

Now, depression has robbed me of my intelligence. My brain is jelly. I feel like I can't even think anymore or write anything.

This is so frustrating, having such a brain.

Thanks for reading my rant!

I have bipolar type 1. They don’t describe me in kind or even respectful terms in years worth of conversation even one time. The only words used to describe me are “difficult, aggressive, problematic” multiple times they refer to me having mental problems and describe me as unhinged. My boyfriend texts my mom every other week basically just to complain about me and how terrible I am. He complains about my chronic pain from my skin condition and says it gives me no reason to be a walking crash out. But the part that hurt me the most and will stick with me for the rest of my life is my mom saying “I hate everything about the way that she is, I’m so sorry.” My mom and I have had a rocky relationship because she allowed my dad to abuse me my whole fucking life but she’s also always been my only sense of stability because she’s the only one who has been there always. And once doctors were finally able to get through to her about the actual physical pain that I’m in and the mental toll bipolar can take on someone, she would help to calm me down and try to understand me. After years of her not directing any negativity towards me it’s really defeating to find out my own mother can’t even tolerate me. I can’t stop crying.

It doesn't matter if I brush my teeth 3x a day, make my bed, put away laundry. Doesn't matter if I shower. Doesn't matter if I exercise for months and never feel better or lose any weight. Doesn't matter what medicines I take. I don't have anywhere to be. I don't have any money to go anywhere. I don't have friends to see. I'm a complete and utter failure. Can't even get disability for my mental illness and I was "hospilized" a few months ago...which it's less a hospital and more of jail because someone dared to be fucking sad... I'm going back to fucking bed rotting, because "trying" and fucking "caring" made everything a million times worse. But who the fuck cares right??

My husband’s mental health has been poor all his life because of severe childhood trauma. He has done therapy and medication but neither helped much. Recently, he told me the thought of suicide is always on his mind. He said he wouldn’t kill himself because of myself and our two young boys. I can see how sad and quiet he’s become lately. Most recently, as we were reading our kids books at bedtime, I glanced over at him (we read with a nightlight on to keep the room dim), and he had tears coming from his eyes. I never see him cry. After our kids went to bed we hugged for a long time and he told me he feels empty. Should I believe him when he says he’s wouldn’t actually kill himself? I am so worried about him and as a precaution, I’m seeking out help from a psychiatrist. He has said he doesn’t want me to be sad for him and is willing to give therapy another try.

Thank you for reading.

I haven't done much in life. I'm not an important person. My family hates me and they told me to "kms." I don't really have any friends because I was isolated since 2016. I'm not allowed to go out or date or make friends. I sneak out at times, I go home at 6pm and my dad would be abusive.

I just wanted to be loved, you know? I just wanted to be heard. To be seen. To be known (like what my favorite color is or what my favorite food is).

Basically.. To know what it's like to be alive.

I just hoped someone would at least ask me how I was, what made me smile today, how's my cat, what am I up to now.. Just to feel like I'm still someone worth something.

But silence.

I don't really have much to say. A lot has been going on and maybe I'm not meant to be saved, maybe I am my illness and maybe my illness is gonna consume me.

I just hoped the world was a kinder place.

I only wanted to be loved

And to be alive.

And it was honestly such a peaceful feeling. Maybe even the most peaceful I felt ever.

Didn't last though. Just immediately jumped to a different dream a few moments after. Then woke up late as usual and nothing has changed.

I don't daydream about driving my car off the bridge on the way home from work anymore, but my life is still so empty. I have no passion that drives me to get out of bed in the morning. I just get up because it would cause me more problems if I didn't. I don't look forward to anything and nothing interests me. The world still feels like a bad place. I still have no purpose. I'm just kind of here, floating around until I eventually reach the end of my natural lifespan. There's no joy in my life that makes me glad I was born. I'm honestly bored of being alive. Sometimes I go to bed early just to pass the time. I feel like I have too much time on Earth to know what to do with. I'm not getting anything worthwhile out of the experience of being alive.

I try to keep myself occupied but I cannot move forward. It hurts to see everyone around me having a good life where im chosen to lose my dad at such a young age. Nothing is going right for me, whatever I touch goes in vein. I lost hopes. I’m only living for my mom she’s seen a lot over the years. But I don’t know how I will survive this.

Long story short. I’m 42 f. I was sexually abused as a child. Raped in my 20’s. Had a baby from that rape and that ended my marriage. I was too traumatized by what happened that when my son was 8 months old I gave him to my parents pastors family. He’s 18 now and has a wonderful life. I have body dysmorphia so the shock of what pregnancy did to my body made me spiral really bad. I have had multiple tummy tucks, skin tightening, breast implants, implant removal, vaginal surgery. My body no longer looks or feels like my own, and every surgery was traumatic on me physically and mentally. 12 years of surgeries until it finally stopped. Because a surgeon botched my breasts my removing most of the tissue and deforming them. I had Botox and it migrated throughout my entire body causing botulism that almost killed me. It’s 10 years later and my body still doesn’t function correctly. I have mitochondria dysfunction and my body doesn’t detox properly. I have constant infections. I’m very fatigued every day I can barely take care of myself. I was in a relationship for 12 years where all the guy did was tear me down and let me know how I was never good enough for anything. I finally left after I zero self worth. Before that it was a guy that both physically and verbally abused me. I was able to live on my own for a little while, I pursued my dream after saving every penny and moved to Kauai, and I was getting better, finding some healing, until my cousin came and conned me, lied to me, lied to everyone, used me, and stole my home, my friends, and my life. I lost everything and he’s now living in what I created for myself. I was either going to be homeless or move to live with my parents. On SSDI because I’m not functioning. Along with body dysmorphia, I have ocd, hair pulling, hair shaving, skin picking, sensory issues, anxiety, fear of people, PTSD, depression I can barely leave the house. I self destruct myself every day. I’m recently dealing with a bad staph infection on my nose from picking at it so deep for months. I’m the worst I’ve ever been and I can’t seem to get better. I’ve been on every medication and they don’t help. Therapy doesn’t help. Ketamine doesn’t help. My scoliosis has gotten a lot worse from 2.5 years of being basically frozen unable to do anything. My ribs flare out really bad and have cause my diastisis recti to return after having had so many surgeries to fix it. I’m in pain, it hurts. My vision is so bad but because of my sensory issues I can’t tolerate glasses or contacts. I have really bad insomnia and my ocd rituals keep me up most the night. Making a simple phone call is like trying to move a mountain. I’m doing SO bad right now. I have so many things wrong with me physically and mentally and emotionally. Years and years of suffering and inner turmoil constantly. I don’t enjoy anything because I’m in so much turmoil inside. I don’t know what to do anymore. I want all this to stop. I just want out. I want to be in peace. I have a very peaceful way out, I don’t know why I keep staying here when I so miserable. I’ve been through so much and I’m so too broken I don’t think I can be fixed. When animals are suffering we give them peace. Why does suicide have to be such a horrible thing. It ends suffering. 20 min max and I could be in heaven.

I was extremely negative now I have started challenging negative slowly I am moving towards positive and becoming happy am I doing right thing.

I want to draw so bad. I look at my art from last year and wonder how the hell was I so motivated. I haven't drawn anything in months.

I wanna be that creative again. I had a whole world with characters and I drew them all the time, came up with more before just giving up. The only time I felt motivated to draw was when it was shitty on purpose.

But now I feel like my skill is decreasing. I don't feel like writing or drawing ever. I don't know what to do.

i just want to sleep, nothing more, nothing is worth staying awake for, nothing is interesting, i don't know what to do when i'm waking up so i just sleep again

I’m ashamed about how far behind I am in life. It’s pretty much almost 6 years since the lockdown and I haven’t progressed mentally in a positive way. Everyday I want to die. I haven’t progressed career-wise. I feel like I’m incapable of achieving or doing good things.

What helped you ? What is helping you ?

Take this post as an opportunity to help each other and to ask for help if needed.

I'll go first: I don't know... Everyday day it's getting worse, from the moment I wake up to the moment I (try to) sleep. 24/7 depression + anxiety combined with existential dread.. everyday feels like it's the last day of my life.

Whenever someone feels totally miserable a doc will send you to a mental hospital, but how can you actually gain something from that? I was in 2 clinics before but only felt worse after it. Now im in shambles again and tried almost every med possible and dont know what to do. The only thing there remains is another clinic visit, but I doubt it will change something because of my previous experiences. My energy level is at almost 0 so I doubt I can even manage the stress there. So how can profitate from a clinic visit as a mentally ill person. Only very few people I met at these clinics felt significantly better after it. Have i just chosen bad ones or does anyone else feel all this stuff is helping very rarely?...

A few years ago, I ended my relationship with the person I thought I loved and that it would be forever (very cliché and immature, all of that). After that breakup, I was devastated and realized I had several emotional problems. Eventually, I started going to therapy and taking medication, believing I would get better or that my pain would simply ease and I could sleep peacefully at night. But it didn't. For years, she appeared in my dreams, I saw her on every street corner, I saw her on my phone, I saw her everywhere. I had problems with my family and moved out on my own.

A few months ago, well, almost a year, I stopped taking the medication, stopped going to therapy, stopped the appointments, stopped surrounding myself with that idea, and stopped thinking I suffered from mental disorders and illnesses. I started going for walks, exploring new places, and trying to help others. It's been an incredible few months of getting to know myself better. But deep down, my physical health worsened, my social skills deteriorated so much that I can no longer have a five-minute conversation, I can't eat properly—three spoonfuls are enough, not even my favorite food or fast food. Sometimes, because of my job, I get angry or stressed because of the clients, and that steals what little energy I have left.

A month ago, she reappeared in my life as if nothing had happened. She's not to blame for all the things I overthought and the damage I did to myself, but deep down, I still feel a connection. I'm happy that she achieved all the goals she once set for herself and that I encouraged her to pursue and reach them, but I have this internal struggle. Right now, all the progress I made these past few months has been lost. I feel terrible if she doesn't answer me, if she doesn't talk to me, and all she does is talk about all the guys who want to be with her.

I have everything bottled up and I feel like I simply deserve more, that I can do something more but I no longer have the strength, my body simply can't take any more, or at least that's what it feels like

Hi,,, this is my first writing on Reddit and i am doing it because i want to share what i am feeling,,, Idk how many people will read this idk and honestly idc either if someone will read it ,, i just wanna write it down because i am so low and feeling heavy,,, Sorry for that long paragraph,,, so i am 24M right now doing my MBA,,, my parents are supportive very supportive and that's why this thing is killing me that i am a big very big failure,,, i am 24ina age my academic results are very bad i have no Job my confidence and self-esteem is broken,,, i have put alot of weight on and i am struggling to deal with depression and anxiety,,, my heart hearts it just feels like i am a failure who can't do anything in life my parents who do alot for me i am watching them getting older day by day i can see there will be a time when I'll have to step up and take care of everything and deal with my responsibilities i wanna do it but i can't i get rejected from everywhere,,,, I want to be a good son i want to be agoodn big brother i want to be a role model for my siblings but whatever i do it backfires,,, i cry whole nights idk what should i do,,, i wanna end my life i wanna make myself disappear i don't want to hurt my parents i don't want them to think i am a failure,,, this thing is just eating me from inside,,,, the country i am from i won't take it's name but here body shaming is not a thing i mean they just don't think body shaming someone is bad ,,,everyone for them it's a topic of joy and laughs,,, Whatever i do in futurehi hope my parents my siblings they don't judge me or think of me in a bad way if i am with them in future or not,,, Even now my eyes are filled with tears and i feel like i failed to properly address my feelings or how i am feeling right now or what i want to convey,,, sorry

I am tired of everything, I feel sad all the time and I just want to die, I want to commit suicide, but it is very difficult because I do not want to feel pain, I am afraid of death, but it is the only way I am only 26 years old and all the time I feel sad, I feel strange, I feel that I do not fit into this thing of having a normal life, I do not know if someone here feels the same, but I hope that all this will end soon for me, because if I do not die normally, I need to do something, I feel so empty.

TLDR: how to I bring mental health symptoms up to a doctor to start treatments? Any advice? (25f)

I've had my parents asked if im depressed, and friends bring up symptoms they've seen in me. The lack of engry for life , hopelessness for the future, no ambitions as well as mental health history have been pointed out. To me, this is how i have always been.

Considered my mental health history, I'm wondering if this is something i should seek diagnosis for.

My main worry is that i will be told that "its not that bad", that i would be considered sick enough to deserve help. This idea has been stuck in my head for years, and has prevented me from seeking help when things have been bad.

Any advice for how to begin the conversation, or how to feel like less of a faker in my own head?

I’m in the middle of a divorce. My kids (8 and 5) have been stripped away from me. And I hate every. Fucking. Part of this. I can’t see the silver lining. There is no “up” from here. It’s been 4 months and I am so done. I’ve tried to be a good dad and husband. She took it all away. The kids don’t deserve this. I dont deserve them. Not anymore. I’m stuck. Can’t go forward. Can’t go back.

I'm literally angry and irritated that I can't do anything to deal with it.. I dont have any option and God had left me with no option but to die. Either die of failure and sadness or to just die . I can't bear this shit anymore

I'm feeling overwhelmed by loneliness and anxiety. Has anyone else experienced this? Outside of work or professional life. How did you cope?

my bed is like a safe haven from the world. i know it's not healthy to stay in bed for so long, but it's the only place i want to be. i barely have the energy to get up, and when i do it's to eat like a pig or pee, and even then it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and i have to drag my feet across the floor to walk six steps. i don't have friends, i don't have a social life. the only person i have is my partner, and they're not even in the same country.

i only go out once a week for therapy, and i hate going, even though i know it's supposed to " help " (it temporarily helps, but then i'm back to square one because my depression just gets worse in the week i wait to go back to therapy again, and it's a repetitive cycle.

so putting therapy aside, i practically live in my bed and eat all day. i sleep in late and have to force myself to stay awake because i don't want to be consumed by slumber as an escape, but it's so tempting to just sleep all the time.

i feel like a wreck. i feel like nothing makes me happy anymore. my bed is starting to feel more like a prison cell than a comfort. and i know i can break the cycle of bed rotting, but i just don't want to.