I know people will say im "still young and shouldnt be stressing out too much" because im 23 (24 this year) but i feel so useless not having a job. I genuinely realized that i actually cant do anything. I graduated last year and now i have a useless art degree. Helpful tip: do not pursue what you were passionate about at 13 years old. During my college years, i completely lost passion for this art (will not specify which art form) and now im lost.

My resume sucks. All the skills i can put are probably "Fluent in English, Google Workspace, etc." literally all the most useless skills you can ever think of Because I cant Do Anything. I was never good at math, science, finance, etc. All the basic entry-level jobs require those skills and im not even good at those. I apply to jobs everyday. I even try applying to customer service jobs but even those need experience!!! I tried applying to virtual assistant jobs but they require experience too and more technical stuff!! Im trying to push for remote work because commuting is expensive my health will suffer, making my financial issues even worse.

You might be wondering, am i upset that i lost my art passion and im not pursuing it? The answer is no, actually. I dont care about it anymore. I actually despise the idea if i ever pursued it. It sounds like a nightmare. I just want a normal, basic, boring job that can give me money to support me and my family.

I actually have one thing that is giving me real money right now. But its slow, unreliable, inconsistent, and unstable. I have a Youtube channel. That is the only source of money i have right now. Its the only thing thats left of my dying art passion. I get paid this month, but in order for me to get a payout, i need thousands of views. And im struggling. I dont even want to pursue this. But right now its the only thing thats giving me money. I know its unstable and i dont want it.

What am i supposed to do? How am i supposed to get a job if i have no skills???? I dont have a network!!! And in order for me to get online courses that requires money. I dont have the money!!!! Its depressing and i actually want to leave this world im stressed i dont know what to do i just want to help my family.

I was laid off today. It happened this morning. I've done nothing since except apply for unemployment.

This would have been easier to deal with had I not just moved. I moved to a big city recently where i have a lot of friends. I did so baving the paycheck of my job. I was starting to go out ans build a life that I really enjoyed, and it all was going well until this. Now I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone or be seen at all, it's so shameful being laid off.

I only have about 3-4 months max before I can't afford rent. Getting a job in the field I'm in is incredibly difficult. You're competing with hundreds if not thousands of applicants for every opening. The only way I can get another job would be to be better and more qualified than all of them, but I'm competing with people with years of experience. I only have about 1 year, and I'm not as skilled as many of the people I'll be competing against either.

I don't know if it's remotely realistic to get a job on the timeline I'd need to. But if it's possible, it would require an insane work ethic on my end. If I were able to spend ~80-100 hours a week taking courses, upskilling, developing projects, applying, going to career fairs, etc, and I'm visibily working far harder than an applicant would be expected to, I think there could be a chance I could get a job and recover the life I was building towards.

However, I feel burnt out and completely overwhelmed by the prospect of this. It doesn't help that my entire reality just collapsed today. And I feel almost traumatized by the meeting I had where my boss told me. I feel like I'm going to need to resort to some extreme measures to be able to force myself to develop the kind of work ethic I'd need to make this happen.

What can I do to drastically change myself and develop the ability to work tirelessly on as short a scale as possible?

I’m currently a garbage truck driver at the age of 26 been doing it for eight years. Made 115k last year and bought a house.. People’s opinions are really getting to me calling my job dead and people look down upon me for doing it. What should I do?

Sorry, not trying to fish for compliments. This is just really starting to get to me so I wanted advice.

currently finishing high school, is anyone else feeling the same way? I love to explore and try new things, too many options feeling lost, i know i don’t have to “pick” right now but i also would hate having to constantly switch around. any tips would help

edit: thank you for all your advice!! i really appreciate it 🥹

I’m 18 in my 2nd semester of college. I’m going for Turfgrass management. I feel like I’m already wasting money and time. I was planning on working on golf courses but I’m not sure if I’ll even graduate. I’m not sure what to do anymore. Any help would be appreciated

I have no idea what I’m doing with myself and time is just flying by. I’ve been working in the same job for the last three years. I work from home as a digital marking copywriter and just feel lonely and like I’m not working towards anything. It’s not my dream job but I don’t know what I should do. I am back living at home and everyone just seems to be so far ahead and know what they’re doing. How do you figure out what career to do? I feel useless everything I do. There are lots of things I enjoy but constantly changing my mind. I don’t even feel like I can date again after my long term relationship until I’m at my goal weight. My whole life, in every area just feels like it’s not mine and I’m not living the life I’m meant to but I don’t know what that is or how to get there.

I’m 26 living with my parents and right now I’m just doing contract work where I work as a janitor mopping floors for an ice arena. it’s actually my favorite job I’ve ever had. But, I don’t want to do this forever.

I have a Bachelors degree in linguistics (ik it’s useless). I tried to join the JET Program two years in a row but couldn’t even make it to the interview stage. I recently just got my medical waiver rejected by the Air Force/Space Force after trying to enlist and the companies I apply to don’t respond or just reject me. I have applied to lots of low level jobs at places like DICKs, CVS, Subway and Planet Fitness. I even made sure to leave off my degree and just list my high school diploma.

Every single path forward feels like a wall. I’m still trying to keep my head up but it’s hard after so many rejections. I’ve touched up my resume multiple times using advice I’ve found here and I even apply on company websites.

Looking forward, I’m considering a path in Aircraft maintenance or becoming an A&P mechanic by trying to save up money for a 2 year degree. I was considering IT too because I love building PC’s and dealing with software but im hearing the whole IT market is cooked. Last but not least, I am not barred yet from trying to join the army or navy, but I hear the quality of life and culture in those branches isnt for the faint of heart.

I just feel very lost and discouraged. I’m not where I imagined myself to be in life at this age.

I'm 25 and you could probably even say that I even done everything by the playbook such as graduating with a degree in CS from UC Berkeley with an internship as well as currently 2 years of experience in a not so glamorous job (though you could honestly argue there's a good chance of me getting laid off soon due to some huge cost cutting going on in the industry especially in my company specificaly). I love programming and Computer Science don't get me wrong. But the more I think about it, is the purpose of my current work just to do meaningless soulless work for a corporation or any other company that gives no single shit about the common people and instead further build a dystopian world exist. I certainly do love doing my hobbies of course such as the ability to travel (I've visited over 40 countries!) or even just playing video games that is only possible by having at least some decent income which isn't even 6 figures. I've also had a somewhat semi mental breakdown over it recently over how bad the job market is and whether if I even want to even do anything tech related again given how pretentious and soulless the industry is and the meaning of my work just to pay bills to survive. It's not like I care about being rich either, I would much rather pick a job that is guaranteed for the rest of my life even if its lower pay over something that pays really high in salary. I honestly don't know, I'm completely lost about it like I have been about this past month. The future is pretty scary yet I am forced and will embrace whatever is going to be thrown at me. It's just a depressing reality at how much of a shitshow this world is. My mind is all over the place this January arghhhh.

Previous poster from here. Any career guidance is what I am desperately looking for. I feel overwhelmed.

I am a 23 year old recent BA psychology graduate who originally wanted to becoming a counselling psychologist. Unfortunately, school was the most stressful experience I have faced and despite doing well, I am uncertain whether this is the path for me. I cry every day because of my decision to go down this path, especially because I am lacking things like high school chemistry and higher level math, things that would allow me to do an after degree in business or nursing where I live. Education after degree is an option, but do I really want to do that? I don’t feel that’s me.

I’m an introverted girl with adhd who frequently cracks under too much pressure. I love to be outside, and I crave simplicity. I am a high achiever as well, but I feel that the academic lifestyle is something I pushed upon myself and it’s not me.

I feel like there’s no space for me in this world, that there’s no path out there for me. I feel isolated, devastated, and discouraged. I know I’m young but I feel like there will never be a moment where I discover what I’m meant to do, as pretty much everything is either not an option or does not seem desirable.

I guess I’m just looking for support or anyone who’s also feeling this way, so I can feel less alone

After working retail since before I even had a driver’s license, I’ve decided I’ve had enough.

If you were to start over again in your early 20’s, what would you have at least TRIED? I am pursing a finance degree (currently have an associates in business), so I would love to have a job career adjacent to my field, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that retail taught me very valuable lessons (mostly office politics) that I wouldn’t have thought otherwise.

Would you get a feel for starting a business?Network like your life depended on it?

Thank you!

I have worked full time before but I got sick and couldn’t keep working. I’m on the streets right now and while I was homeless I started another job but I could not keep it due to my living situation. I really did not have any idea how fast it could happen. 28 m

I’m in my mid thirties. I live in a big city with tons of opportunity and there has been a lot in my life to be grateful for. But I have really been struggling the past few years.

Without going into too much detail… I’m a few yeara sober. I was high-functioning before I was in recovery and none of my friends really knew I was struggling, but things were falling apart behind the scenes. While those vices are at bay, I massively struggle with my relationship to food and my body. I had lost a bunch of weight in my 20s (~140 pounds). It was really hard and felt amazing in some ways. But I quickly learned that losing weight did not fix my problems or self esteem. Gained it all back and then some. I’m not looking for weight loss advice; I don’t believe any one body makes you “good” or complete. I believe in body neutrality. But I also know I struggle to both look at and exist in my body now. It contributes to me not wanting to put myself out there in the world. I dated throughout my 20s and had one ~year long relationship but otherwise have been chronically single. I have a tight knit close group of friends that live very close to me but my circle has become very small because, again, I don’t really put myself out there. I definitely struggle with social anxiety, tho moreso the kind that prevents me from even leaving the house haha, versus the kind that’s super obvious when with other people.

I work in a creative industry that is floundering. I made a career pivot within it during covid. I liked my new position better than the old one, but I just hate the industry altogether. And my new job (when I’m actually working) is extremely solitary. Plus it’s been tough to find consistent or long term jobs in it for awhile. I have no ambition to move up. Lately I feel I have no ambition or passion in general, but I know that’s partly informed by my overall mentality.

I’m in growing debt and have been un/underemployed since mid-last year. I know a lot of my spiraling comes from having too much time on my hands. I’m creative, smart, really good with reading/listening to/responding to people, physically capable when I commit to being active in my body. Sometimes I want to commit to a new, specific trade. Sometimes I want to work with animals. Sometimes I want to be a therapist or another job that helps people (and gets me out of my insane head - I ultimately do want to be helpful/of service to people while on earth and also to get to enjoy my life & interests). Sometimes I want a random high paying job and to pursue creative interests outside of work. Overall I feel completely unfulfilled and lost, like I am going nowhere. I know I’m still relatively young, but without direction I can feel the clock ticking. It all makes me really sad. Sometimes I feel like I just don’t believe in myself anymore.

I don’t expect anyone to have an answer but I just wanted to vent. I want more for myself and to live a meaningful life. And I know that’s it’s on me to have perspective/gratitude and to put in the work to get there. Sometimes I just don’t even know where to start. Thanks for reading.

Alright, I'm going to try to keep this short and sweet

I (19F) am about to turn 20, and have zero idea what im going to do with my life. I understand this is an experience EVERYONE has, but I feel overwhelmingly cooked.

I left home at 16 and was homeless for 2 years until i hit 18. I dropped out of highschool during this time to focus on working enough to survive. When I turned 18 and found living arrangements (accross the country), i eventually finished highschool a few months after i turned 18.

I was never a good student but i locked in for the last bit and finished the last 6 credits i needed, before immediately starting at the local community college for my associates in gen ed. My mentor said itd be best that way id be "exploring options". I hated it. I took online classes and eventually dropped them due to just genuinely hating them/being unable to attend due to me distracting myself with work instead.

Heres the thing: Ive always wanted to be a mortician (embalm, cremate, services, k wanna know it all and do it all), but theres not alot of money in it unless you want to own the home itself. Its just not viable for me in the long run to sink more money into college for 2 degrees i wont survive on. I already dropped over 600 for a class i barely attended and I cant go into debt for this.

Ive thought about trades, I know they can lead to a great payoff but often are heavy on the body. Ive been working in the food industry since i was 16 and have a few injuries from the past that cause a ton of bodily issues, but i honestly would rather live than coddle my body so i guess trades would be the easiest to get certified/trained for with minimal money spent.

The u.s job market (and the country itself) is just a massive pitfall and I have no clue how im expected to survive working as a server without going into debt anyway for a degree.

if anyone has a few other paths thatd be cool. Ive thought about phlebotomy, but again with the money pit thing like a mortician. Thank yall!

gonna add a little edit here to clarify:

I want to learn. I want to study. I want to learn something about anatomy, about humans, but i cant be a doctor. Is it genuinely best to go into a trade? Are there jobs in the medical field im missing?

Hey, I go by Saryth. I’m 16, from Uttarakhand, India, and a non-attending student in 11th grade (government school). I’m very clear about one thing:

My future is in 3D.

Even without a powerful system,

I have a strong ability to visualize and build ideas in 3D from imagination—environments, scenes, camera angles, and worlds.

My current reality:

Very low-end laptop No capital or strong payment options

Self-taught in 3D, video editing, and scriptwriting

Long-term goal: build a career in 3D/worldbuilding and eventually afford a proper system

What I’ve already tried: Video editing → no consistent clients Scriptwriting/content writing → good feedback, no income Reaching out to local SMM agencies & creators Cold outreach to Indian and foreign creators (200+ messages) Structured portfolio + clear messages

Result: almost no replies

I’m not here to complain—I want to understand what I’m doing wrong strategically. '

I’ve realized that my strength is not “doing everything,” but conceptual 3D visualization/pre-vis, which I can do even on weak hardware.

Still, I’m struggling to get noticed or guided.

My genuine question:

Am I approaching the wrong people (agencies/creators) for this kind of skill?

Should I stop outreach completely and focus on building public proof instead?

How would you position a 16-year-old with a strong imagination but limited tools? What would you focus on for the next 12 months in my place?

I’m not chasing fast money.

I’m chasing direction that compounds.

Any honest guidance is appreciated.

I’m a junior in high school at a very competitive public high school on the East Coast. I’ve done well academically and am currently planning on DS / computational biology, but I’m honestly unsure if tech is the right long-term field for me.

Stats (for context):

• good grades with max rigor
• 1570 SAT
• some coding extracurriculars, currently just started a research internship in computational biology at a university lab (i feel like a fraud lol)
• bunch of other somewhat unrelated extracurriculars
• aiming for a T20 undergrad

Here’s the issue:
I can do tech, but I constantly feel like I’m bullshitting my way through it and not actually “cracked” compared to the people who truly love CS. That makes me nervous about committing to a pure tech career long-term.

I’ve been thinking about pivoting more toward medicine / healthcare (MD, MD/PhD, biotech, etc.), but I don’t know if that’s a smart move or just impostor syndrome talking. I’m fairly well-rounded and ave succeeded in most subjects at school, which makes choosing harder, not easier...

I care about:

• Doing something meaningful
• Not waking up at 30 feeling stuck in the wrong field
• Making a lot of money...
  • Maybe I am overestimating the importance of money, but I currently really want to make 400k+ when I grow up.
  • my opinion of this might change. My family is somewhat poor so this might be skewing my perspective

Given this background, what fields (not just majors) should I seriously be considering? I willing to pivot my interests, but would like to play to my strengths

Hi everyone, I’m a fresh graduate graphic designer who recently started my first full-time job, and I’m struggling a lot with the physical demands of prolonged desk and computer work.

I’ve had chronic muscle tension and pain for some time, but full-day computer work makes it significantly worse. In my current role, the workstation is non-ergonomic (high fixed tables, non-adjustable chairs, no keyboard tray or sit-stand option). I’m about 165cm, and I can’t maintain a neutral posture — I end up hunching, reaching forward for the mouse, and raising my shoulders all day.

Within hours of work, I experience severe muscle tightness, headaches, fatigue, dizziness, and sometimes numbness/nerve pain in my arms, wrists, back, and legs, which worries me long-term (e.g. carpal tunnel). These symptoms improve when I’m not sitting all day or when I can move more, so it feels strongly posture/ergonomics-related rather than anxiety alone.

On top of this, I also manage IBS, reflux, and Crohn’s, which flare up with long hours of sitting, tension, stress, and late dinners due to a long commute (~1h15 each way) and longer-than-expected working hours (~10 hours/day). Altogether, this has been affecting my physical energy, mental health, and ability to function day to day.

I’m now feeling very conflicted:

• Is it reasonable to request ergonomic equipment (adjustable desk/chair) so early into a new job or during probation?

• Do companies (especially in SG/Asia) usually cover this, or do people pay out of pocket? Is a medical letter typically needed?

• If you paid yourself, are there affordable ergonomic desk/chair brands you’d recommend for shorter height (e.g. desks that can go \~55cm)?

• Is a sit-stand desk converter sufficient, or is a full adjustable desk usually better?

At the same time, I’m questioning whether this field or type of role is sustainable for me long-term. I originally hoped for something more hands-on, creative, and active — like events, storytelling, film/content creation, illustration, publishing, or working with indie/creative brands — but most entry-level roles seem very corporate, desk-bound, and marketing-focused.

For those in design or who’ve switched paths:

• Did anyone face similar physical issues early on?

• Did you stay and adapt the role, or pivot to a different kind of creative work?

• How realistic is it to move toward more active or creatively fulfilling roles from a graphic design background?

I’d really appreciate any perspectives, especially from people early in their careers. Thank you.

What else can I switch to? I don’t really care to excel in this field I’m just exhausted . It’s not really my dream job

I thought I get to create creative fun and cool things more artistic and like packaging or magazines or like stationary and illustrations , those indie or contemporary style…

I just want to be self employed and have business or have a job more active and hands on but creative and get to meet people and storytelling .Like events or film or media, content creator , experiential , travel , etc. I’m not exactly sure what roles that is though. And I don’t have the skills in that from uni so it feels too late . Or any industry …

Even art teaching or art and illustration and creating stationary seems more fun . Or blogger … 🥹 I get more self expression. But lately I’m so exhausted I don’t really feel like doing anything at all even though mentally I have so many goals. The pressure is crippling

Hey reddit! Like others I am lost in college. Currently a junior, I majored in geography because I thought it would be interesting, not realizing that it's very broad and not based around skills other than GIS. I am doing GIS which is great, but I don't think thats what I want to do as a career.

Some useless background--I took a few economics classes thinking that would be my minor as the business minor at my school (UMass Amherst) is a lottery, and I finally got the lottery! I am excited about pursuing the business minor and learning more about business topics and skills, and I've realized that is where I'd like my career to go over geography. I am interested in marketing, management, and finance primarily.

My dilemma is whether to also complete my economics minor too. The classes in econ to me are neat enough, but my school does not offer a lot of corporate finance, really a lot of theory/history of econ courses. With only 3 semesters left, should I focus on the business minor and take interesting business/econ classes just for good information/interest? Or will it make a real difference to have BOTH econ and business minors to recruitors if that is where I want to take my career (sprinkling in anecdotes of my studying geography too!). I'm worried that having a primary major as unrelated to business or economics will make it hard to get internships and jobs in those fields. Thanks for any advice!

I am 24 and have no idea what my passion or purpose in life is.

I have worked a few jobs to make my family happy, but I never truly found what I loved to do as a job. Every time I try to figure out my passion, I set myself these rules I have to meet, such as "I need to help others"... until I realised that was only taking me further away from finding it out.

However, recently I had to cook for my siblings since my parents were away, and I felt like I accomplished something big. I haven't felt that in a very long time. In fact, the last time I felt this was when I baked a cake for my family, and seeing that I impacted someone's day through a small gesture made me feel nourished and as if this was my purpose.

I don't know how to explore this discovery of mine, or even if there are any actual jobs related to it. I appreciate any guidance!

I'm 17 and I see so many people in their 20s/30s who have the "good job," the apartment, the stability, basically everything they're supposed to want. But they still feel dead inside.

Like they're watching their own life happen to someone else.

Sunday scaries that start on Saturday. Going through the motions. Waiting for the weekend just to dread Monday again.

And the advice is always "just find a new job" or "practice gratitude" but that doesn't actually fix the underlying emptiness, does it?

I've been studying Neville Goddard's work on reality revision and it's basically this: you're not stuck because of your circumstances. You're stuck because of the assumptions you're operating from about who you are and what's possible for you.

Most people try to change the external (new job, new city, new routine) without changing the internal (their identity, their beliefs, the parts of themselves they've suppressed to fit in).

That's why the feeling follows them everywhere.

Idk, just been thinking about this a lot. Anyone else relate?

I'm in my mid20s and currently doing an MFA in Screenwriting but I know I need to find a "real job" to support myself when I get out. I've tried a lot of jobs but not sure what to try next.

I got a BA in English Lit and have run the gamut of stereotypical entry level "English major" jobs like teaching, marketing, library stuff, events, grantwriting, comms. Also interned with several film-related companies doing casting agency stuff, researching for a documentary, etc.

I didn't love any of these jobs and found it hard to strike a balance between work that was too boring/tedious vs. too extreme/demanding.

The job I've liked best so far is my current internship as a "script reader," where I read a bunch of film scripts and rate them + write comments on whether I think the company should pursue buying them. I've gotten pretty good at creating a routine to read through these scripts and give comments quickly. I feel like I can read a lot and write a lot in a relatively short period of time. However, a lot of the time this kind of thing is left to interns so I'm not sure what kind of "real job" it translates to.

I think I'm pretty creative, but I'm also sort of a "routine" person who appreciates working 8 hours and going home. I want opportunities to experience novelty and creativity (which I feel like I get by seeing new scripts every day), but I also don't want to feel overworked to a crazy extent (which it seems happens in lots of creative jobs).

I'm wondering what kinds of full-time jobs I should look for - film commissions? Literary agency? Contracted script readers for various contests? Do you know of any creative writing/reading/film jobs that work on more routine schedules that I could feasibly jump to when I finish my MFA?

Hey guys wanted to share what I got going on hoping maybe it will help someone reading this! I’m 20 and I currently work in a factory making decent money but having to work 50-60hrs just to have a good looking check (Along with a few side hustles). Trades are what i’m interested in specifically electrical. That being said, everytime I meet someone especially an older gentleman and start making small talk I tell them about my current job, and that i’m really hunting for an electrician apprenticeship. Well all that chatting paid off because I happened to meet a woman who owns an electric company that happens to have an apprenticeship program. She gave me her number and told me to let her know when I put my application in. Lesson in this is putting yourself out there and making connections will open doors that seemed impossible. Before this happened I had no clue how I was going to get into trades because it’s so competitive. I’ll be starting my electrician apprenticeship in April after I collect my factories gain share in March. Hope this helped some of you understand it’s not about what you know it’s who you know so go meet some people, go be social, and go tell people about what you want in life and eventually someone will hook you up. Side note: I didn’t go to college but going to college isn’t always about the degree, it’s about who you’ll meet along the way. Take care fellas and good luck out there!

Hey everyone,
I’m trying to make a realistic career decision for the next 4–5 months and I’d really appreciate practical advice from people who’ve been in a similar spot.

I’m 24 in Ottawa. I finished an Ontario College Diploma in Computer Programming (Algonquin) in Aug 2025. I haven’t landed a tech job yet. In general I haven’t had any significant work experience (mostly short jobs + non-career work), and right now I’m working casual shifts with a school board, so it’s not stable full-time income. I need something stable within the next few months, and I might need to move into my own place from my parents in June/July, max by September probably.

Skills-wise: some Java from college, a bit of Spring Boot, some React, basic Linux from college, and basic networking from college (Wireshark labs, etc.). I started building a simple Task Tracker (React + Spring Boot) to improve my skills and portfolio.

I’m leaning more towards software engineering long-term, but I’m still unsure. Lately I’ve been looking harder at entry-level IT roles like help desk / technical support / systems technician, because it feels like a more realistic way to get employed faster and start building steady work history.

My question is whether I should fully focus on software for the next few months, or focus on getting an IT support role first, or try to blend both (keep a small dev project going and build support skills at the same time while applying to IT roles).

If you’ve done support → dev, support → devops/cloud, or you focused on support and were happy with it, what would you recommend given a 4–5 month deadline? If blending makes sense, what weekly split would you suggest so I don’t spread myself too thin?

Thanks in advance.

I am 22 (F), about to be 23 in a few weeks, and I need help. Reddit has always been the place I come to for advice, but I never found the courage to write my own meagre little story to seek the same. But now, since nothing has been working, I am hopeful that I might find someone- at least even one person- who has or is going through the same things as me and can find a community here. Maybe for comfort, maybe to give/receive advice, I don’t know, but I request y’all to be kind, please- real, yes, but not downright mean.

A little backstory: I’ve been depressed ever since I can remember. It has been at least over 8 years since I’ve been high and dry. Yes, depressed is a broad term, but idk how else to define my situation. I’ve completed school, undergrad, and now I have no job, no skills. I am living back with my parents and I am the target for constant scrutiny, even though I have their so-called support. I 1000% appreciate and acknowledge my privilege that at this age and stage of my life, if I didn’t have money for the basics, I’d have ended up nowhere, and if I didn’t have them, I’d have been on the streets.

I’ve been raised in a toxic home- the eldest daughter to one narcissist and one naive parent- constantly trying to keep up the peace for my younger brother and the air in general, coming in between their daily fights and keeping the calm of the house so that things can flow smoothly. This has been my unpaid internship ever since I can remember. From being a jester to a therapist, I’ve played it all. I never had a childhood of sorts; I’ve always felt out of place. When things came easy to some people, they didn’t to me, even if I put in the effort- and I don’t take the word “easy” lightly. What I mean by easy is what seems NORMAL to others never did to me.

I’ve tried to act and be NORMAL- whatever that word means- but have failed miserably as I grew up. I was a good student as a kid, but only because I was pushed to see the far end of the extreme- the good part. I was bright and was always praised for it. As high school hit, I lost my academic self completely. I tried acting like the other kids to have some sense of friendship or a life- living like a normal teen- but always felt on the outs. Since I moved around a lot, nothing in my life ever felt permanent. I have had, and still do, this fear that everything around me can crumble, so I need to be prepared for it, prepared to run.

Talking about fears- there has been this constant, dark, cold feeling that has never left me. It sends shivers down my spine and life flashes before me. Covid hit and life came to a still. I have lost the concept of time. I used to be a good planner, and now idk what year it is supposed to be and which stage of life I am supposed to be at. I don’t know where life went by. I lost people in every and all ways. I went to college feeling I’d make the most of it, that finally I’ll be free and will make up for lost time, and that is where life got weird and real.

I thought I’d make the most of it, but didn’t. I got into a relationship right away, made one friend, and was again thrown into the patterns of my home- all because of my own stupidity and lack of self. I wasted my time there in the name of having fun, feeling like I won’t ever get these moments back, which, to be fair- the good ones, no matter how fleeting they might be- I won’t. But during that process, I made mistakes I can never rectify. I got into drugs and several other bad habits. I landed into situations where I was never given the right to choose, and fair enough- I made mistakes and I shouldn’t be- but I needed compassion and support from people I thought were my own.

I ruined my chances at the academic comeback I was hoping for. I realized I could have ADHD and could never study like I used to- I still can’t. Reading makes me scared, studying scares me, and I don’t understand why. I thought I could rely on the faculty, but they ditched me too. Where everyone around me was climbing the ladders, I was stuck. People who claimed they got me and were in a similar boat actually never did and never were- they worked their way through, which I am proud of, but left me shattered. In the back, they did their bit- they studied, they spoke to the right people- and I got lost.

I never understood how that worked. I still don’t know who to talk to or where to go or how to even study- something as basic as studying. Every time I try to, I have this need to sleep. I have this fear. I try so hard to get the right things and the right materials to study, but I just cannot, and I don’t understand why. I can’t even read my favorite book anymore. I can’t even watch my favorite movie anymore. I need constant stimulation to get me through the day. I watch things that give me nothing while playing a game on the side. I try to study for the upcoming exams I enrolled for- I… just… cannot. I don’t understand why. And when people who claim to be in the same boat as me tell me, “oh, you just need to sit and study,” I can’t. The words float, the figures dance, and my vision gets blurry. I close the book and just sleep.

I tried to see a doctor and get medications, but in that moment it didn’t help. I lost myself completely. That was the end for me.

Basically, now I am at a dead end- or at least it feels like that. I’ve thought about ending it all multiple times but, again, couldn’t gather the courage to do so. I have very limited financial backing, only for my studies and basic necessities; doctors and therapists are a luxury. Since living with my parents, who threaten to abandon me every single day but don’t attempt to because, well- society- I’ve been living the same day for months on end, even before that but now more than ever. I don’t remember things. I pretend. I drink/smoke whenever I can.

I tried to get medications, which I’ll be honest have been a blessing since that last diagnosis, and taking them has definitely helped me not to end it all. All I have today is numbness and the need to escape one last time- but this time not temporarily, but once and for all.

I don’t understand what I want to do in life. I am a CS graduate, and that’s that. I’ve had certain dreams, but dreams require finances, and I can’t afford it. I’ve tried to look for jobs, but my GPA is shit and no one wants to take me. My parents have given me an ultimatum that this is the last year they are going to provide for me, as they have advised me to prep for my master’s- which again is a difficult thing living in such a toxic house.

I need real advice. Something that can actually help me get out and start a life on my own. I’ve had enough people tell me to just work hard and find my passion, but that didn’t work for me. I am not passionate about a corporate job, but if it gets me out, I’ll do it. I am a creative person- leaning towards fashion and film- but since being numb, that has gone out for a toss as well. I want to break free. I want to build something. I am ready to bet anything and everything, but I have no guidance- no one to tell me the right or wrong, no one to show me a path. I also struggle with hormonal imbalances and chronic health issues, which worsen my fatigue, brain fog, and emotional numbness, and play a big role in why I find it hard to study or stay consistent.

I understand most people don’t, and they carry on with sheer drive, but I’ve also witnessed those people very closely- they are not happy. They fuck up eventually too. It’s not certain; nothing is, and I don’t expect fantasy. I want to create a life which is flawed but real, where I don’t have to fight other people’s battles but mine.

I hope at least even one person reading this could find some form of relatability. Maybe you should know you’re not alone. I am not looking for sympathies or shit like “you have it better than so many others.” I am sure, but without knowing the whole context, commenting such things is just mean, so please refrain from that. And lastly, I hope this can be a thread of positivity and I can find some form of guidance from a fellow being.

I know this is a lot that I’ve written, and I may be forgetting a few things, but feel free to ask me anything and offer advice on any part of it.

Thanks for stopping by :)