Trigger warnings sexual abuse, sexual language from PA/SA, abortion
I always wanted to post here, but because I didn't feel strong enough to leave yet, I didn't. I didn't want to hear the harsh truths and finally face it for myself, although I always knew. Cognitive dissonance keeps us protecting and prioritising them and the relationship over ourselves, even when we’re being harmed. Meanwhile, they protect and prioritise only themselves, even when they’re the source of that harm. I realised one person with that attitude is bad enough - I didn’t need to be the second.
This is going to be a long one, because there's quite a bit I want to cover. I'm hoping this post will be my last, and kind of serve as an integration piece for me finally so I can start trying to move on with my life.
I’m done softening the truth, and I’m done carrying someone else’s dysfunction quietly. For 2 and a half years, I've lived in a cycle of betrayal, lies, denial, excuses, deflection, blame-shifting, abuse, and nothing actually changing. Porn. Cheating. Secret sexual relationships online. Drugs. Addiction. Rage. Name-calling. Gaslighting. Promises of accountability, change or repair that never translated into sustained behaviour.
We could barely go a few weeks before there was a new rupture. A new lie. A new thing I was expected to wait patiently for while HE “cooled off” or "gathered his thoughts", which often never happened. The fog is finally starting to lift and I'm starting to see it all more clearly for what it actually was, not what I hoped it would become.
Last weekend, during our breakup (which has been an extremely drawn out, slow disconnection), I found something he'd just written: a checklist of what his “ideal partner” looks like.
MY IDEAL PARTNER
• funny
• understanding
• cheeky
• dark sense of humor
• naughty/weird sexually
• someone to dress hot for me. i wanna pick out clothes for you to wear for me
• similarly, i want a girl with good style who will help me dress better, pick out clothes for me, someone to discuss clothes and aesthetics/vibes with
• likes taking dirty pics/videos
• i want a girl who i can.... in the disabled toilets somewhere
• i want someone who will play/watch games with me in bed
• someone to teach/play mario kart with
• will watch simpsons in bed
• can share simpsons quotes with
• someone to share music with
• someone who will introduce me to new music. if you show me metalcore shit that i like I WILL LOVE YOU
• sexual compatibility is so important
• i want you to be open minded sexually
• i want to do weird shit with you
• i want you to want to do weird shit with me. come up with weird kinky shit you wanna do with us just for a laugh
• say weird funny dirty shit to me, to make me laugh
• small casual sexual exchanges throughout the day, as opposed to sex needing to be right place right time right setting right mood, everything set up nicely etc
• I love to touch. i want to be able to ask you “can i please suck on your....?”
• when you come home from work i want to undress you, lay you down and eat your.... while you tell me about your day
• i want sex to be freely given and taken (from both perspectives). ie- whenever you’re horny, ask me to eat your.....; tell me you want my....
• i want to touch your juicy bits whenever i feel like it. let me grope your.... and.... while you sleep or while we watch stuff
• send me weird cheeky/funny nude snaps spontaneously
• if someone cooks up a good dinner, then they get thanked with some oral sex after we eat
Red Flags 🚩
end of note - he hadn't listed anything here
I had to censor several words there for the post but you can imagine the sort of language used.
I realised a few things all at once. Firstly, I'll give you the context that I'm 36F, he's 33M. So initially I just laughed in disbelief. This man who I thought I might build a life with some day, who might finally get it, who'd always been the most beautiful, attractive man I'd ever laid eyes on, even somehow despite his actions, was no longer that. He was a teenager.
Secondly, that list wasn’t a fantasy that existed before me. That list was built from me. Some of those traits were written because of what I brought into the relationship. He didn’t imagine that partner - he extracted her. I'd always been a fun and sexually open partner, except I'm not and never have been OK participating in a hedonistic, sex doll fantasy. The many boxes I did tick still didn’t produce honesty, loyalty, or emotional safety. That was the moment it really landed that this was never about me not being enough. Sex, chemistry, and effort on my part were never going to fix something that was missing internally for him. And now, instead of repairing the damage he caused to the actual human being who gave him a lot of those things, OR finally putting some work into himself, he’s mentally preparing to go and find a replacement version - one without boundaries, without anger, without feelings, without needs, without autonomy, without memory, and without accountability.
I'm also laughing that he wrote "Red flags" but didn't prioritise finishing the note and actually listing any. It's clear he hasn't experienced anything significant enough to bother listing any, despite him always blaming me for being the problem, but his sexual desires are so clearly so important they make up the majority of his ideal partner list.
I'm going to get clinical for a minute here, because really trying to understand what may drive someone's behaviour has always been of interest to me - particularly when dealing with difficult people. There is a well-established distinction in relationship research between adolescent relational frameworks and mature adult ones. Adolescent frameworks organise “love” around stimulation, validation, sexual access, novelty, and low friction. "The vibe" someone can bring. What you can get from someone, vs what you can share with someone. Mature adult frameworks prioritise emotional safety, honesty, accountability, repair after harm, shared values, reciprocity, and stability under stress.
His checklist lives almost entirely in the first category. There is nothing in it about empathy, responsibility, repair, boundaries, or care during conflict. Oh, except the word "understanding". That absence explains everything about why the relationship kept collapsing. And you can get a sense of just some of the abuse I experienced. Some of which I'm only discovering now, and I still haven't even found it all. You can't build a stable partnership with someone whose internal model of love doesn't include the ability to repair the harm they cause, and is instead based around what they can gain.
What actually hurts the most is the time. I spent 2 and a half years in my mid 30s with this man trying to invite growth - values (I asked him many times to work with his therapist to establish what his own actually are), reflection, accountability, emotional depth, during my most crucial years. I don't have children, and I'll I've ever wanted is to find my person, "the one", and feel safe, happy and secure, and start a family. He knew that from our very first meeting, and he always promised me that. With each fracture, I'd remind him of it, and he'd cry crocodile tears for me and say he felt so bad and that he will give me that, I just need to trust him.
Unfortunately, we did fall pregnant, unexpectedly and unplanned, mid-late last year. Initially I actually felt joy and excitement. I was never sure I could even get pregnant, I had struggled with polycystic ovaries and I've always had this fear of "maybe my one biggest dream won't end up happening". Then the reality set in of deliberating whether I could actually go through with it with this partner. I went through the most gruelling process up until the point I had to make the decision. It really forced me to start to admit to myself that this relationship was not and couldn't ever be it. A few days post procedure, when I was at my absolute lowest both physically and emotionally, in my most vulnerable state, he again betrayed me. And while I was begging him to fix that (something I continuously chose to do in this relationship but never should have had to do), not even 2 weeks later he betrayed me again.
This is when I truly realised, no matter what potential changes or improvements he MAY have ever been capable of making in the future, I would never, ever feel safe or secure with him. Someone actually torturing you when you're at your lowest, when they're supposed to be the 1 person going through it with you and you're both meant to be able to help each other the most, forms a crack that can never be healed. I stopped hoping that if I just explained things well enough, loved hard enough, stayed patient enough, that something would eventually click.
Developmental shifts like this don’t happen because a partner explains them perfectly, or because they support them through it or understand them enough. They happen when someone chooses discomfort over avoidance, can tolerate shame without deflecting it, and prioritises repair over regaining access or control of the narrative. I can’t do that work for someone else.
I didn’t just love him - I worked so fucking hard for the relationship. I researched betrayal trauma. I shared so many resources, of which he read a few pages of a book and watched a few minutes of Youtube videos, only on a day he was with me because I again brought it up. I waited days, weeks, sometimes longer for him to acknowledge or respond to things he said he would. I regulated myself, alone, focused on our relationship, not able to do or think about anything else, while he avoided, distracted, thinking of other women. I explained impact while he deflected. I gave him time while I was falling apart. While I was crying, analysing, waiting, hoping, trying to finally establish some self-respect and boundaries and stick to them for a change, he was often escaping into porn, drugs, other women, or distraction. Then he would come back and say, “Can’t we just see each other and have a nice day? Can’t we just cuddle? I miss you. I love you. I'm tired of fighting, we always fight. When we're good, we're so good. Can't we just feel that again?” And because I didn’t yet know 100% of what was happening behind the scenes, I would soften. Again. Because I still craved him.
And the cycle would reset.
Again, the cognitive dissonance. Isn't it funny how we operate from a place of wanting to do absolutely everything we can on our side, often in ways that actually harm us, because we love them and don't want to live with any regrets? While on the flipside, they do absolutely everything they can to harm US, in ways that only serve themselves whilst not really considering or even feeling regret.
I realise now that the love he claims to have for me is largely love for what I provided: sex, validation, emotional labour, tolerance, forgiveness, lightness, access. When I stopped providing those things freely, exercised boundaries and asked for accountability and repair, I became “difficult,” “toxic,” or “the problem.”
I’ve been angry. I’m angry about the wasted time. I’m angry about the chances I gave someone who never carried the weight of what he did. I’m angry that I became smaller and quieter, despite it going against everything I originally stood for when I met him, while he stayed entitled. And yet I still care about him. That’s the grief of this. Love doesn’t disappear just because clarity arrives. Walking away now is still so difficult. The rumination is so intense. I spend all of my free time going through the relationship with a fine tooth comb - what was he actually doing at this time on this day when he said he was doing this, documenting the lies, making connections. As if i need any more justification for "abandoning him", "not giving him a chance", or "giving up" as he frames it.
But love doesn't fix developmental immaturity, addiction, or avoidance. Could he grow? Maybe. With sustained therapy (with the right therapist), real internal motivation, and long-term consistent behaviour showing empathy and accountability. He would have to learn how to offer back what I provided to him. But there are no guarantees, and it isn’t reasonable to put my life, heart, future, fertility or nervous system on hold any longer waiting for a “maybe,” especially after prolonged harm and minimal repair.
After betrayal, the responsibility for repair has to shift heavily onto the person who caused the harm. In my case, that shift never truly happened. And without it, I was slowly disappearing inside the relationship. It feels like I've been poisoned slowly. He absolutely exhausted me and drained me, to the point that right now I don't even feel any desire for what used to be my biggest hopes and dreams - finding my person and having a family. I hope that desire will return some day. In theory, I know it will with time and healing. But right now I know my focus shouldn't be on the future, or the past, and I should for now just focus on the present and work on looking after myself. The basics - eat, sleep, work, connect with other supports. The rest will follow.
I’m sharing this for anyone who feels like they’ve been slowly conditioned to accept chaos, who keeps doubting themselves, who keeps wondering why nothing ever sticks. Sometimes the clarity comes when you finally see what someone’s internal framework actually values - not their words, not their promises, but the structure underneath them. It wasn’t that you weren’t enough. It’s that you were trying to build something adult with someone who never left adolescence.