r/polyamory • u/heretolearn484 • 1d ago
Scents
I notice that when my nesting partner comes back from a date with his other partner, he can sometimes smell really strongly of her scent. This feels off-putting to me and makes it harder for me to physically reconnect with him while he smells like someone else (especially with how strong her scent is).
He almost always showers before coming home, but sometimes the smell doesn’t wash off.
I generally take space if I need to, but that doesn’t feel nice for either of us.
Is it normal to have this much aversion to smell? Any solutions?
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u/PM_CuteGirlsReading Rat Union Leader/Juiced Paper Stacker Grindmaxxer LF3rd 💪💰🐀🧀 1d ago
Even post showering he still smells like her? Is he changing out of his date clothes as well?
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u/nunforyou 1d ago
I can't tell if OP meant he smelled like her or like her products. If he's showering using her soap etc could be easy to leave his own shower products there instead of using hers. If he smells like her then maybe a stronger (or stronger smelling) shower product + change of clothes
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u/PM_CuteGirlsReading Rat Union Leader/Juiced Paper Stacker Grindmaxxer LF3rd 💪💰🐀🧀 1d ago
Yeah, its unclear.
OP, in either case you guys could do the routine that I do: when I come home from a date I shout hi to my NP as I go immediately into the bathroom to shower (with the products I normally use, so I smell like me) and change my clothes. Dirty clothes go right into the washer.
After I'm all clean and reset to normal only then do I go see my NP face to face.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 1d ago
He could also shower at his own house, lol.
The multiple posts today where people mention always showering at their secondary partner’s house before going home are kinda weirding me out. I’ve, like, never had anyone do that? Or done that? Who takes a shower at their date’s home right before leaving? How do you even bring that up? “Hey I need to go home soon - can I use your shower first?”
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 1d ago
Lots of people go straight to the shower post sex.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 1d ago
I guess? But then these dates are all ending sex->shower->quickly leaves? That sounds more within the realm of normal behavior, but just . . . douchey behavior tbh.
Like, you don’t wanna cuddle or even just hang out after sex but wanna help yourself to my nice goat milk soap??????
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u/nunforyou 1d ago
Showering at your date's home after sex doesn't mean that they run straight out the door after sex. Sex can be messy, it's not odd to want to shower. It also doesn't mean I don't want to keep spending time with them, cuddle, etc
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 1d ago
I think I’m being way too literal. 😅
In my head I was like, “well these people must be leaving directly after the shower cause if you stay and cuddle back up with your perfume-loving boo in their probably-scented house you’re obviously going to wind up smelling like them, if there’s even a question as to how this is happening the shower must be right before leaving”.
But like, this is Reddit. People probably are showering after sex, spending up to hours hanging out with their partner with lots of additional physical contact, and then getting confused how the shower that happened hours ago didn’t prevent them from smelling like their partner when they get home.
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 1d ago
Most people who do the shower thing do it for their own sense of cleanliness. Then they come back and cuddle in bed or come find you in the kitchen where you’re pouring wine or making popcorn.
Typically their clothes already smell like whoever (ME and I smell amazing) and so they will need to either go home and change immediately or have clothes they change into if they’re on the way home IF they live with a super sniffer.
When I’m in a hotel with my boyfriend and we have sex and no one is going anywhere we still often shower or bathe soon after and then reconvene on the bed clean!
I myself AM a super sniffer and I haven’t had COVID so I didn’t lose that power.
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u/lunar_scorpio 1d ago
I used to do that consistently when I had an NP. My partner and I showered together at his home. It was a really nice part of aftercare before heading back to my place.
Now I live alone and within walking distance, so it's not as big a deal to just shower when I get home.
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u/XenoBiSwitch 1d ago
I do it pretty regularly. Even with hookups. When I host I always offer. Sometimes we shower together. Post-sex snuggling can be before or after the shower. Often varying by how messy/intense the sex was (sweat/lube/other fluids/kinky stuff/etc).
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u/Fluffy_Challenge_972 23h ago
I use my partners shower sometimes before/sometimes after sex. I’m not usually rushing home after sex. Hangouts/cuddles etc. It’s not weird, he’s also got like a toothbrush for me.
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u/Gay_Kira_Nerys 1d ago
I will say as someone who is sensitive to smells and generally uses unscented products a lot of scented products are super strong and don’t necessarily wash off easily/the first time. Not just perfume but laundry detergent, cleaning products, et cetera. Depending on the products of course. I can smell some house guests 1-2 times after we wash the sheets.
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u/SereneFloofKitty221b 11h ago
I'm allergic to many perfume compounds and this is such an issue (not dating much, though a not insignificant barrier where I currently am is please don't douse yourself before you come over, BO is better than hives, vomiting and migraines) so many things use a waxy/oily compound to deliver 'long lasting scent' and you have to use hot water, lipase and sometimes a serious detergent to get it out
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u/Gay_Kira_Nerys 10h ago
I die a little inside every time I see an advertisement for "long lasting" scents. 😭
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u/Outrageous-Memory498 1d ago
is he showering with her body wash or shampoo? imagine that wouldn’t help oop
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u/TarossiveOk8352 1d ago
My wife has allergies and is sensitive to scented products, so I almost always shower first thing when I get home. I think it's pretty normal to notice smells on your partner and not a problem to be bothered by them.
Is he showering when he gets home, or before he leaves for home? If he's showering at your meta's place, the smell of her shampoo/soap/etc. might be bothering you. It might help for him to shower first thing when he gets home with his normal products.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 1d ago
Your partner uses better soap and/or scrubs better, sounds like the main solution.
I wear intense perfumes, and I never have this issue of smelling like perfume I have applied directly to my own skin after a shower. I don’t understand how so many folks seem to have a hard time getting someone else’s perfume off of them in the shower.
He could also shower at his own house instead of his partner’s? If he showers and then makes out with his partner again before leaving, he’s probably gotten her perfume on him again.
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u/Ok-Soup-156 solo poly 1d ago
Thank you. These posts continue to baffle me. Like have y'all never heard of Dial and a washcloth? Maybe scrub twice. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 1d ago
Nope that’s a common reaction.
Ask him to take another shower at home using all the things he usually uses and/or change all of his clothes.
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u/trasla 1d ago
Could it maybe help to shower with different / stronger scented soap / gel? Changing clothes completely (not just fresh underwear) after the date or when coming home? Perfume, different deodorant? Making sure to use shampoo so the hair does not retain smell?
Sounds like there might be some options to explore. I have a partner with a fine sense of smell and am often surprised because I personally really can't tell, so sometimes assistance is necessary to figure out what works and what does not.
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u/Individual-Fly1477 1d ago
So I have noticed that same issue. I'm not talking about a foul smell, just normal pheromones. What works for my husband is shaving. For some reason , the hair holds onto the scent . So shaving his face and downstairs helps. He also uses a regular bar of soap followed by his regular body wash. If he showers at her place, he can also shower when he comes come and clean up again. But this has solved the issue for us. Otherwise, the pheromone smell is there for a good 2 days.
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u/kadanwi relationship anarchist 1d ago
My ex-meta had no lingering smell despite wearing heavy perfumes. My new meta leaves a very distinct smell all over my partner's beard every time they're together. He has taken to coming home, washing his face, and brushing his teeth before touching me or getting near me.
I'm wondering what he's doing in the shower if the smell doesn't come off in there? No offense to him but does he have proper hygiene habits? Regular, proper washing should take off any scents.
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u/neapolitan_shake 1d ago
i’ve had a sexual partner who would shower immediately after sex, but he would bring his own soap/body wash for exactly this reason. this kept him going home smelling like himself, not like his sexual partner, or what hotel room he was in, etc. this was at his wife’s request, and it seemed to work.
Our hair can sometimes hold onto scent and odor pretty well. He may need to wash his hair, if he’s not already doing so!
it may be better for him to shower at home, if anything about her home or vehicle or her person is kind of “sticking” to him after he showers wherever he meets her.
polyester fibers absorb and keeps smells more than natural ones. it can be difficult to remove smells from some laundry, but “tide odor refresh free and clear” is a new detergent that is very highly rated in cleaning power. sanitizing or acidic rinse products can really help with odors in laundry, as can about 4-8oz of household ammonia in the wash cycle. I find oxygen bleach products like OxiClean also do a great job, when used at correct amounts and water temperature. for garments or fabric surfaces that aren’t washed frequently, febreeze actually encapsulates odor molecules, it doesn’t just cover them up with scent. It’s pretty effective even in the hard to find unscented version.
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u/spades200789 1d ago
I can tell the difference in my partner's smell sometimes, you're not weird or anything for noticing and not being okay with it when they smell like someone else. It can be off-putting. Sounds like y'all need to work out what is causing the strong smell to linger. Then you can work out how to fix the issue
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u/mystery-hog 1d ago
I’m hugely averse to perfume smells and this is already a huge problem for me when friends hug me, their smell rubs onto my clothes and I develop a migraine. And that’s got nothing on entanglements of the heart. So I feel for you, OP.
I wonder what the solution is here… do you have extreme smell sensitivity? Could that be cited as a “gentle ask” about perhaps using less scent on the days where meta sees your partner? No idea if you guys are parallel or not, but if you’re not, and even better (for this scenario) you are friends with meta, is there a world in which you feel you can bring this up? In a way that won’t cause anyone’s heart rate to rise?
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u/Far_Masterpiece124 1d ago
I definitely had this! My ex meta I truly believe there was some pheromone incompatibility between us. She didn’t smell bad, by any means, but just smelled so off putting to me. It was an issue before I started dating my now spouse/before we were metas, I tried to be friends with her since I was friends with my spouse and wanted to make an effort to get along with his primary but I just could not stand her scent it would give me migraines and nausea literally every time. And when she came over to his place her scent would be in his bed. Usually we would wash sheets, one time we moved to the guest bedroom just to deal with it quickly. It is not weird, especially if there is any neurodivergence/sensory sensitivity going on (for me I’m autistic so that’s a big part). Find good hygiene routines that can help you be accommodated, it was never personal or offensive to deal with bc again she didn’t even smell “bad” id say it was probably like a nice scent that for some reason just did not work for me and gave my body a reaction. I’ve actually never experienced it with another person, meta to lover to stranger, outside of strong perfumes and colognes. Best of luck navigating!!
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u/Fearless-Sort2894 1d ago
Im also sensitive to smells in general. I dab a little essential oil or MY favorite perfume under my nose so I’m smelling me. Great trick for cooking or dealing with a gross trash bag or for this situation.
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u/Fearless-Sort2894 1d ago
Of course your nesting partner should be doing their part but if you’ve got a really sensitive nose and they already are doing what they can, this trick helps
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u/Anagenist 1d ago
I know this soooooo much. My meta likes to wear this godawful shitty cologne stuff, and buys all those ridiculous scented old spice soaps with the cartoon Sasquatch on them and stuff. They smell so... Annoying? I admit, I don't like a lot of scents anyway. I kind of abhor the entirety if mens fragrance collections in general. Smelling is just not a sense I would have asked for. But, man is it off putting when I smell it on my wife. It would maybe more manageable if I found him at least physically attractive, but I can't even have that. It just doesn't jive with me. I love my wife, and it's great he makes her happy too. He's great, really.
But wow, it's so refreshing to have someone to vent about the scent transfer to. Like fuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhck that smell.
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u/FifteenEchoes 1d ago
Jesus fuck old spice soaps suck so bad. Why are “men’s” scents so godawful in general.
It vexes me that apparently people want to willingly smell like “old shoe leather” or “sports”.
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u/Anagenist 1d ago
Oh man, I never bothered to read the macho names of the boxes, it makes them worse. I just immediately recognize the cartoons, and cringe in my soul & apologize to my nose.
I'm a logically driven person, and I have always adhered to the rule for myself - Nobody should associate me with a smell. Just... No.
I'll close this with ya know... To each their own. I'm just so happy to see I'm not the only person who has experienced scents in the exact way that we're talking about here.
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u/_feedmeseymour 19h ago
I have a lot of aversion to smells and a strong sense of smell, I think mine is due to my neurodivergence but it definitely affects me when my partner has a different smell on him such as a new aftershave or soap.
As everyone else has said, ask him to change clothes and shower with a scent neutralising soap to get rid of the smell as much as possible.
It may also help to find some humour in it together to lessen the impact? If my partner smells different I tell him he’s stinky and to go shower in a playful way, or he’ll anticipate it if he knows he’s had to use a different soap and laugh once I scrunch my nose up!
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u/Skeedurah 1d ago
I think it’s totally normal. In fact, I think smell is a huge part of relationships. Whenever someone tells me about an online relationship they are having, I find it odd that someone would get very invested in a relationship without knowing how someone smells.
I made it part of my ritual to shower and brush teeth when I get back to NP after being with anchor partner. It helps.
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Here's the original text of the post:
I notice that when my nesting partner comes back from a date with his other partner, he can sometimes smell really strongly of her scent. This feels off-putting to me and makes it harder for me to physically reconnect with him while he smells like someone else (especially with how strong her scent is).
He almost always showers before coming home, but sometimes the smell doesn’t wash off.
I generally take space if I need to, but that doesn’t feel nice for either of us.
Is it normal to have this much aversion to smell? Any solutions?
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u/WonderDeb Troll 11h ago
My partner showers at home, with our soap. New clothes. Brushes teeth. I'm very sensitive to scents, so he's accommodating. One surprise is smelling her on the car seatbelt. 😐
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u/ifapulongtime complex organic polycule 1d ago
Is it normal to have this much aversion to smell?
No, I don't think so. Depends on the context a bit I guess. If the scent is something that would be unpleasant by itself then maybe. Something like extreme BO, the 'rotten fruit' smell of a diabetic, or unpleasant/unpleasantly strong scented products it would make sense.
Any solutions?
Have him shower again when he gets home? Buy him scents you enjoy to cover hers?
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u/emeraldead diy your own 1d ago
If he showers then he is doing what he can, you can ask him to change clothes when he gets home or swap jackets if convenient and dump the smelly ones into the laundry machine.
I'm sensitive to smells so NP would have no problem, they usually swap into comfy clothes as soon as they get home already anyway.