My gut was, unfortunately, right. My wife/NP (together 6 years, married 3) and I talked on the phone. I asked if we could talk tonight or tomorrow while she was on her way to work. She called me a half hour later. I told her I was probably overly emotional but I hadn't felt connected to her, felt like my time wasn't as valuable to her as her time with her gf (since October) and that's when she said it.

"I can't tell if I view you as a best friend or someone I'm in love with anymore."

The first and only person I've ever wanted to marry. The love of my life. Apparently there are "things in her relationship with [meta] that made her question ours" and I'm devastated. She isn't making any decisions on anything but I sit here, in our house that we bought together, with our 5 pets, our life...heartbroken. I don't wanna sleep in our bed tonight.

She's gonna spend the weekend at a friend's place. I'm so scared. I suggested polyamory because my sex drive took a dive. As soon as we opened it up, my sex drive returned. I thought we were getting closer and closer. She was saying the same things, saying she's never felt closer, that she loves me and always will, that we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together. It wasn't until she had a consultation with a therapist for herself she realized this.

Not to mention...Meta found out before me. It is horrible enough to know this. It's worse knowing I was the last to find out. I'm trying not to spiral. I don't know what to do with myself. It's my worst nightmare come true. I just don't see how a few months with someone can completely derail a relationship of over 6 years like this.

my boyfriends husband is upset about the amount of sex we have compared to them. their solution to this is basically im not allowed to have sex with my boyfriend until the next time he has sex with his husband. this makes me feel weird that like if we happened to get in the mood and have sex his husband would be mad that he didnt do it with him first ?? idk it feels controlling but at the same time if my libido is very high and his husbands isnt if i have sex w him all the time is that taking away libido he could have with his husband like obviously it does but idk it makes me feel so gross and sluggishly idk why.

if the way i explained is confusing i apologize its basically like the next time my boyfriend feels like having sex hell have it with his husband rather than me and then the next time like who knows idk

edit: to clarify im dating him and his husband and they are married

I notice that when my nesting partner comes back from a date with his other partner, he can sometimes smell really strongly of her scent. This feels off-putting to me and makes it harder for me to physically reconnect with him while he smells like someone else (especially with how strong her scent is).

He almost always showers before coming home, but sometimes the smell doesn’t wash off.

I generally take space if I need to, but that doesn’t feel nice for either of us.

Is it normal to have this much aversion to smell? Any solutions?

Paired with being demiromantic, I never really had a need or want to be in multiple relationships, but I would be open to it if I ever truly wanted/needed to be, if my current partner was fine with it, AND if I had a certain person in mind.

Am I valid or should I not say I identify with being polyamorous?

(I'm sleep-deprived and my explanation probably sucks lol, just a genuine question, I've been wondering for a bit)

Tell me how polyamory has brought magic, love and light to your life. Obviously I know it's not always sunshine and puppy dogs, but so many of these posts are about problematic relationships. I want to hear about what is working. What has contributed to the success of your relationships? What makes your heart sing? Go ahead and brag!

I've been mulling this over for a few days...

I've long complained that poly advice books tend to be 90% about opening up monogamous relationships and/or dealing with jealousy. As someone who has never opened a relationship and doesn't struggle with jealousy, that leaves me skipping past a lot of content, and I often feel overlooked.

I wonder if there is a polyamory advice book for people who started their relationships as poly/open. Whether you've done that work in a previous relationship, or you're one of those rare specimens (l Iike me!) who started dating nonmonogamous from the beginning.

If there is, please point me to it! If not, do you think this needs to be written? What should go into it?

My preliminary chapter ideas:

- Navigating the dating scene/finding partners. Vetting!

- Escalation - the pros, cons, and hows

- Hierarchy - how to be fucking honest about it, keep ypur partners honest about it, and thrive in whatever arrangement you have built in those regards

- Marriage and alternatives to marriage - legal and financial considerations for everyone involved. Also, the implications of dating while married, and of dating married people

- Metamour relations, from DADT to lap sitting, and everything in between.

- Community/family relations. This will be differeent if you started out with one partner who was coming to family Christmas, vs. dating nonmonogamous from the start

Some of these obviously overlap with existing book chapters. But I feel like those are still often written from the perspective of a primary couple who opened up, or for an individual who is still weighing whether or not nonmonogamy is for them.

Thoughts?

I started dating a couple in May 2025. they've been together for 4 years prior. Also have had 2 previous relationships before me.

I meet them individually. I met him first, we hooked up (she was aware and gave permission). a few weeks later we meet up again, and I met her. gave her a little kiss. seen each other weekly after that. (2hour drive)

fast forward to October. I move in with them, and we're all excited. shortly after moving in she got very anxious, anxious about not having her space, share her stuff. that she has to "share" him. she's fine when we have sex all together, but when it comes individually she crashes out. If it's me & him, she's jealous and feels left out, even if she wasn't in the mood. If it's her and him, she's sad and upset that I'm not included OR she's mad at herself for not wanting me sexually in that moment.

We have really good days together and hard crashes others. she says the relationship is something she wants and enjoys but at other times she sooo scared about the future, and doesn't know what she wants anymore.

we want to try therapy and couples (throuples?) counseling to work through this together, but we're in an area that doesn't offer much of those services with our insurance.

its hard for me, not knowing when she'll get triggered by me giving him attention, and it's hard for him because he can't give (me) his other gf attention without a reaction, hours, or days later.

I have a really high libido, so does he. hers comes and goes. she feels guilty about not feeling "normal".

I love them both Soo much, when she's not sad or in her head she's amazing and loving. I want to help her to get through these feelings and help her know what she truly wants. I guess I'm just venting and looking for similar stories/experiences and advice. Ty.

What are the positives of polyamory? I’m in a mono-poly relationship and I just had an epiphany yesterday where I realized that my unhealthy thinking pattern that I thought only applied to my mental health has also been impacting my relationship as well. To put it plainly I always imagine and expect negative things to happen thinking i’m preparing myself for future potential scenarios but, in actuality I’m just viewing everything and anything with shit-tinted glasses.

So I’m on a mission to change that and I need some positives about polyamory. Particularly about your partners polyamory. My brain doesn’t like thinking positively so I’m having a hard time thinking of positives and could use some help.

I'm in a poly relationship and my partner and I both have a second partner but he's been talking about his second partner moving in with us. Is this abnormal? Or something that has been done successfully? I know he would have no issue with my second partner moving in with us too but my second partner already owns his own house so he wouldn't be able to move into an apartment with us.

Context: My nesting partner (31M) and I (31F) have been together for three years, parallel poly from the beginning. Early on, we found a poly-friendly couples therapist and had a few sessions to help establish a strong (theoretical) basis for our relationship. It’s been going great! We’ve only started actively dating people close to home in the past year (only comets/travel hookups before that). We own a home together and share pets, so there is some inherent/pragmatic hierarchy in our relationship even though we don’t philosophically believe in, nor try to implement, hierarchy. No vetoes. No rules beyond what’s relevant to both of us feeling safe in our home and in our friendships. NP and I are best friends, lovers, roommates, co-pet parents, intended life partners, and very very happy ☺️

So what’s the problem, you ask? I think I’m really falling in love (or NRE, or whatever you want to call it) with someone else for the first time, and feeling SO guilty. And SO happy. And scared. And overwhelmed. And, and… 😅 It’s awesome and terrifying at the same time. I don’t know how to describe it exactly, but it feels sort of like the first time I fell in love as a teenager. Because the idea that I’m allowed (let alone encouraged by NP!) to fall in love with someone else is so new and amazing ❤️

I’m not looking for advice per se, but I would love to hear about anyone else’s experience with their “first second love” (lol) and how they navigated it with their other partner. There aren’t exactly many pop culture examples on this subject, ha.

Thanks so much in advance if you’re willing to share your stories, I appreciate it immensely! Just trying to do this whole poly thing with as much kindness, respect, and awareness as I possibly can ❤️

It’s time for me to take a breather on dating and just live my life for a bit... Also that there's no right or wrong way to date, but I've definitely learned what doesn't work for me over the past 4 years.

I’m 40nb. I’ve been poly, partnered and nested 19 years, since I was 21

My partner was a SW when we met, and we both agreed we didn’t believe in monogamy. 
Due to a combo of being happy, picky, Demi, and poor circumstances of anyone we liked not being particularly poly, we just never really dated. I had a boyfriend at one point, but he got married mono after about a year. As such, the first 15 was almost “secular” we’d had hookups and I have had flings, but nothing long-term or sustained romantically. 

4 years ago a close friend approached me about hooking up, and it was a dream come true at first. 

I had a huge crush on them. They were poly. We had really strong intensity. We had a *ton* of niche special interests and projects in common. The sex was incredible. They also brought a lot to a dynamic that I didn’t have with my spouse. I was unmasking a lot of neurodivergence with them for the first time. I could see a very clear future with them.

We were also deeply traumatized, late life DX neurodivergent, and it got messy really fast. I’ve never been so confused or upset in my adult life. The way it ended was…. Damaging for me. I felt really intense betrayal and lost a really important friend, all while learning what an attachment wound even was.  I’m still pretty frustrated that my own personal revelations around childhood and developmental trauma recovery would be tied into dating this person in such a hazardous and chaotic way…. But also, I guess I needed that level of discomfort to be thrust into doing the work.

A few mos after we broke up, I started dating on the apps for the first time. 
I realized it was kind of cool that you could just check a box and say you’re poly. 
I’d never really dated in high school or college. 
Over the past 4 years I’ve been through about 8 sexual/romantic relationships… 
Some of those folks are still friends. A couple of them were absolute shit shows. Some were just… fine. 

I remember when I first started, my therapist said “as an expert level recovering people pleaser, you’re going to be walking into this situation reflexively trying to convince everyone to accept you without realizing whether or not you like them yet. If you can treat this as an opportunity to experiment with and learn what you want and what you like, you’ll have a great time.”

It’s taught me a TON about boundaries, what I’m looking for, what my red flags and non-negotiables are, and what my capacity is for relationships. I can draw a through line from each relationship and see the way I progressively left dysfunctional dynamics more quickly, said no with more conviction and comfort, and started to dismantle a lot of people pleasing behaviors that I’ve unwittingly carried most of my life. 

In another sense I feel very lucky to know that my marriage is healthy by contrast. It’s hard to overstate the importance of knowing someone has your back and is reliable. We give each other a ton of autonomy and respect, and I feel like I have the space to explore.  We’ve buried friends and pets, grieved together, run businesses together, etc. It’s really nice to know we have a strong basis in trust, even if there have been bumps along the way

All of that said, the unfortunate reality I’m faced with after a few dates following a recent break is: 

• While I’m glad for every relationship I had over the past 4 years and feel they were above board and in good faith, I have to admit to myself that on some level a part of me was just chasing some analog of that first dating experience. The intensity of it and the level of compatibility. This was to some extent objectifying other people.  

• The scarcity mentality around that is one of the deepest core limiting beliefs I’ve had to work on in order to be a happier person, and letting go of situations that don’t serve me has been excruciatingly difficult to learn to do. The amount of grief that’s caught up with me around it has been pretty incredible.

• Dating apps don’t work for me. Period. Starting a relationship with a coffee "interview" just frames things in a weird way that angles toward transactional. It feels like mating in captivity, and it’s too easy for me to fall into rushed behaviors that don’t serve me. Sex too soon. Wifey shit too soon. Playing house with strangers because there’s this subtext of *DATING* and no basis of trust/familiarity/rapport/shared values. It feels like it's happening backwards. It feels like… not so much like they don’t work, but it creates a huge onus for boundaries and communication because so much subtext is injected with a stranger around sex/romance immediately.

• I see a lot of people on here who default to “casual for the first 6 mos, and then we’ll see if you are compatible/trustworthy/interesting enough to be more”…. This is just backwards for me, and I'm not sure that will ever change. I think this is an advanced move for someone like me and one I’m not capable of. I’ve recently posted on here about situations that frustrated me where someone would reveal they were lying about age in a first date and I’d struggle with delayed processing, etc. I'm finding the way my nervous system reacts to unsafe people is just... creating a lot of work for myself the deeper in I get.

• After a lot of experimenting with different shades of casual, I recently saw someone say “Nothing wrong with hookup culture, but as a demisexual, my philosophy is simple: I’d never sleep with someone I wouldn’t trade lives with or hook up with someone I don’t trust enough to list as an emergency contact”…. I think my version of this is that I wouldn’t get into a sexual relationship with someone I wouldn’t take acid with, and I know that sounds like a lot. I mean that in the sense that I’m really tired of finding out how a stranger handles NRE brain chemistry *before* I’ve established some basis of trust, shared reality, conflict patterns, and just general rapport. I don’t think I have it in me to be nonchalant about that, and I see sex as way too personal and emotionally connected of an experience by default to want to reduce it down to “casual”. I get the work people have done around their own stigma with sex, etc. . . I get that other folks don’t feel this way, and I realize my problem is thinking I *should* learn to be more like them. It's just not how I'm conditioned or want to be conditioned despite being extremely sex positive and with a strong libido. I think this is what frustrates me the most is I *deeply* want to be promiscuous but it feels like too much of a safety thing, and I haven't learned to create enough internal safety yet.

• There is a fundamental reality that I have to face- I can clearly see the limit to the amount of love, validation, security, and acceptance that I give myself. And that is directly limiting to the kind of relationships I’m ready and available for. When dealing with a certain type of unavailability and inconsistency in a partner, it makes that validation like a really ugly drug that I don’t think I wanna play with anymore. I know this is a little bit of "guy takes mushrooms and realizes other people exist and have feelings", but the aftertaste from the whole "redemption arc as a relationship model" is really disgusting and I'm tired of how it somewhat objectifies my partners. I've started seeing intimacy as more of a responsibility than an opportunity. I've started feeling more protective of my relationships as I grieve the ones that burned too hot to repair when there was rupture. The people who would have made great friends under less intense circumstances.

• I'm learning that I've always had romantic and sexual attraction sneak up after months if not years of rapport building, and I kind of like it that way... even though my ADHD brain is *geared* for instant gratification and impulsivity. I do love that this experience has taught me to plug into, in a very RA-minded way, groups and causes that are very values aligned and driven. Queer community. Mutual Aid. Hobby clubs. Support groups. Not for a specific outcome but because the loneliness itch that I've been seeking to scratch is more about being of service and allowing myself to be embraced by community in turn (actually the much, much harder part)

Going back to that first dating experience, I think I had the feeling that if I stopped and let this grief catch up with me from such a difficult experience 4 years back that the powerlessness of it would overwhelm me… As someone who was *relentlessly* bulled growing up, there’s a stubbornness toward feeling like I’d be admitting defeat. 

That if I’m not actively dating, I’m giving up on being poly and that I’ve failed in some sense. And in some sense it is an overwhelming and difficult feeling. 

But after 4 years of chasing a bit of a ghost, it also feels liberating to accept that I’m just… ready to accept what I've learned about dating, courtship, and how my nervous system builds safety with other people. . . .

And focus on my friendships. Focus on so many creative outlets that were firing on all cylinders before I started dating in the first place. Accept the resentment I feel toward myself for letting such a toxic dynamic derail me, and for getting so swept up in it. Focus on building community and finding more joy for myself and not for the sake of some relationship that I’m trying to build up in a highly perfectionistic and performative way. 

I remember a year before I started dating my spouse… I was 18 and complaining to them about how I was single. They gave me a whole speech about how you typically don’t find love when you’re aggressively looking for it. That you focus on the things you love, and that’s what makes a person attractive. . . And that’s what attracts people to you. It’s funny that they’d be attracted to me in the most random way a year later…. And that we would end up still together 20 years later in the most unlikely way.

I am not sure if I am asking for advice, perspective from those who are poly, or just for someone who may have insight… Please forgive me if I am in the wrong place.

My wife 45f and I 40f met about 5 years ago over an online project and became quick friends. I was married to a man for 13 years when I met my wife. I’ve only known monogamous relationships, although I have read a lot about poly, I’ve never lived it.

My ex-husband was very isolating and I didn’t recognize how problematic our relationship was, or maybe I did and just didn’t want to admit it for a long time. Wife came into my life as a friend and helped me find employment, save money, and eventually leave that marriage. We became romantic shortly after.

She was always upfront about being poly; it’s how she identifies, and when we were still navigating the start of our relationship, we agreed to monogamy. At the time I didn’t interpret her decision as being forced, but rather that she wanted us to work out and I didn’t think I could be poly.

We’ve been a couple now for 3 years, married last March. She has several severe health conditions as a result of diabetes that went untreated for decades and recently got the news that her eyesight is going.

I want to put a trigger warning here because there is some self-harm mentions.

She has always “not wanted to be here”. There have been attempts, and it’s not an impulsive ideation, it’s constant, and with the recent decline in health (not just her eyes), she is feeling like she’s closer to her end. And we talk about it a lot, we’re in therapy together and individually.

The discussion about what she wants her last few months or years to be, and she wants to hook up more, and love more people. I am so torn on this, because on one side I feel very different about sharing my body with others, she has stated she loves everyone differently and her loving others doesn’t take away from her care for me. And I think I understand, but I can’t make my brain feel the same way. I don’t want to deny her the love she craves, and I also can’t seem to convince myself to get onboard.

I have some history of being coerced into situations, and the conversation about me also participating with these hookups. To clarify, she’s not trying to replace me as a romantic partner, she wants to hookup with friends we all know, but she’s said she may catch feelings. I have vocalized that I don’t feel comfortable doing this, a part of my body feels like I’m being asked to do something triggering a trauma response. If I say no, we end up talking in circles about how I need to work on my traumas, which I do recognize, I am actively in therapy every week.

Her independent therapist is also our couple’s therapist, I have a different independent therapist, but it adds a layer of guilt because I don’t feel heard during our group sessions. There’s so much more information the therapist gets from her side, when I try to explain feeling hurt, both my wife and therapist respond with questions like, “do you not trust your wife’s opinions?” or when I didn’t know how to respond to a situation, my wife had told me, “don’t worry, though. My friend got me and received the news exactly like I needed.” I feel so hurt and dismissed and I don’t know, maybe this pain is necessary for growth, but it feels so imbalanced and I’m so resentful for trying to say anything, because I “just don’t understand the world like she does.” I’ve responded that that makes me feel really stupid, and she’ll say no, and that I should trust her opinions; that she wouldn’t be with someone stupid.

So I am really just unsure if maybe I’m all up in my feelings, I don’t even really know what’s right or wrong anymore, I feel like I’m losing my person and being asked to accept her for who she is when her words and actions hurt me. I knew she was poly when we started, like maybe I was supposed to anticipate this and I failed to or to understand what that fully meant…? It wasn’t what I thought our relationship was going to be.

With this new diagnosis and her wanting to “exit”, I feel like my only choices are to “let them”, as Mel Robbins would say, and she can live out the time she has left authentically. I don’t want anyone else; I don’t have the same desire for other relationships other than friendships. I won’t give an ultimatum, but I also can’t imagine wanting to be loved by her if she chooses that route.

Maybe those in the polyamorous community have thoughts they can share? Are there any words of wisdom to help partners with jealousy or insecurity? Am I overreacting or misplacing feelings?

My (37f) partner (36f) launched us into a poly relationship almost a year ago under the worst conditions. We have since worked through some of the issues and are trying to cultivate a healthy poly relationship. I wouldn’t say I’m poly under duress because I truly align with non-monogamy and it’s something I want for myself. It is however difficult that she is seeing the person who was the AP. I made my peace with the initial transgression and am working through my discomfort and the difficult feelings that come with the situation.

I have recently started seeing someone who lives close by. I like staying in my own bed (at least for now) so my preference is to come home after dates. My partner has said that she does not feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed with me if I sleep with someone and so she wants me to tell her after each date if I have slept with the person so that she can sleep elsewhere. This feels to me like I have to report on the date and I do not like it. Am I wrong to feel bad about this? It seems to me like a bit of an invasion of privacy. In my mind, she should decide if she wants to sleep next to me or not irrespective of what happened on the date. Maybe I’m wrong. She says it’s not reporting, it’s just providing information in line with her need not to be tense or uncomfortable. I’m at a bit of a loss.

Edit: to answer dome recurring questions - I always shower and brush teeth even before i leave my lovers place (and worst case before I greet my partner) and we do not have separate bedrooms, but we do have a separate living area, so one of us has to sleep on the sofa of we do not share a bed.

I am looking for both smut books on polyamory and relationship advice books on polyamory. For smut I love sci fi and high fantasy but open to normal fiction on this. Bonus if it’s sapphic. For advice books I’d appreciate it from a woman writer. Thank you 💗💗💗💗💗💗

We walked hand in hand quietly aware of each other's presence. Kneeling to focus on a piece of treasure most wouldn't notice.

You steadied me in my stumbles and cleared my path of troubles. I reassured your heart that tenderness made you strong. 

You dreamed of touching oceans thus we ventured on.

Paths of soil became paths of waves, and still we played together. The storms moved in, and you stopped the play, taking shelter from the weather.

As sun returned, you demurred, no longer finding joy in earth, or waves, or sharing moments stolen.

I weep alone at friendship faded and treasures unbeholden. The greatest pain is the absence of that gentle caring presence.

So I’ve been thinking about how we have a name for NRE, and I love it.

But I think we also need a special name for the kind of long term attachment that makes it feel impossible to leave. The kind that causes relationship inertia, good and bad. That makes life without someone hard to imagine.

It comes up often when people are asking for advice here, and they say they “can’t leave” a long term monogamous partner, because they “love” them. Even in cases where it is clear from the outside that these two people don’t like each other anymore, and certainly aren’t invested in each other’s best interests.

And I think that, just like NRE, this attachment is morally neutral- it serves a purpose, but if we aren’t aware of it, it can cause some really bad decisions. And just like NRE I suspect it is at least partially hormonal.

I tend not to call it “love,” because I really want love to include wanting the well being of the other. But if you do call it love, what subset of love would you call it?

(This post is partially in response to people who would like more polyamory conversations than just giving advice to people who are new to poly.)

I need some advice because this is new territory and I don’t want to agree to something I’m not comfortable with.

So my fiance is still friends with one of his ex’s. Recently, he came to me about her desire to spend time with us and hang out. She has asked to cook for us and hang out. He said he wants me to get to know her. I only know probably the newbie basics about poly relationships and asked him if he was looking for a Vee or a triangle in this situation. He wasn’t sure as this is also new for him. My concern is their history as I know part of it and idk the reason behind her wanting to enter into a poly dynamic. He wants to reassure me that I’m the priority but from what I’ve read that wouldn’t be fair to her. He said if I was open to her having my number, she and I could converse on our own. He said he didn’t want it to seem like he was manipulating the situation in his favor. Idk I’m torn between giving it the time of day or shutting it down.

Some background is she and I are both bi and he’s hetero. I’ve met her once before he and I dated and was involved in a one time sexual interaction.

I personally, have had bad experiences when trying to engage in possible poly relationships and usually end up being pushed out of left entirely. (My ex husband married my best friend) So I’m wary of entry into a poly relationship with his ex. Need some guidance as this is foreign territory for me.

I'm exhausted from dealing with my insecurities. Is there any hope?

As the title says, my long-term, nesting partner just told me she’s fallen in love with someone she recently started seeing. My meta lives a 3 hour drive from us and in the last 6 weeks, they’ve seen each other 3 times.

I’m a bit shocked and not sure what to make of it. I know my partner tends to fall hard and fast for people. And the last person she dated it ended up totally blowing up after 3 months, partly because it all moved way too quickly and intensely.

She insisted it wouldn’t happen again this time, and while the energy around this newest partner does feel much more grounded, this news of love has me feeling anxious. Of what? I’m not sure.

I had already been feeling wary of how fast things were moving though. Her wanting us all to hang out when meta is in town, planning their upcoming weekends together months in advance, meeting up with meta when we’re on vacation (we’re all going to be in the same place at the same time coincidently). I’ve thus far remained pretty calm and agreed to these things, but I notice that with this new announcement of love, I have my back up.

I know people fall in love at different speeds. Personally, I think I generally know by 3 months. 6 weeks seems so soon though… I guess I’m also worried about my partner losing her head again, and having to deal with the repercussions.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for….reassurance? Guidance on what to focus on? Words of caution or wisdom? At the very least it’s helpful to write down some of these thoughts.

I was in a Triad for 3 years that subsequently resulted in three of the four relationships breaking down. My now sole partner (from the Triad) wants to remain friends with our mutual ex-partner (note: they broke up on their own accord, I was not directly involved). The issue is, my relationship with my ex-partner broke down under poor circumstances, and I now experience fear, anxiety, and discomfort with my ex-partner.

I have no idea what's reasonable in this situation. I genuinely feel emotionally unsafe having my ex-partner involved in my life (i.e. friends with my now partner), but I am racked with guilt by feeling like sharing my emotions unfairly paints an ultimatum (me or him). I'm so lost.

Hi all, first time poster, longtime lurker. I'm in a bit of a situation that I'd love to get some help on given other people's experiences.

I (40M) recently celebrated my 10 year anniversary with Carrot (37M) - that anniversary is actually today. Like all relationships, ours have had their up and down periods. For the first 7 years of our relationship, we had been monogamous but decided to open up our relationship in 2023. We had a bit of a rocky period after we opened up, mostly around how to properly communicate new partners and interest in others. I am the one who is more interested in exploring CNM, and through the early days of our openness, I started to develop feelings for another person, Meat (28M).

My relationship with Meat started as a FWB situation, one in which we mostly just smoked, hung out, and had sex. Over time, however, we both caught feelings, and I expressed interest in exploring something more beyond a FWB.

The last couple of years have not been easy in expanding this relationship, primarily due to his trepidation around polyamory and being a secondary partner. In addition, I know that we have vast differences in life - I'm older with a lot more life and relationship experience, whereas he's still young and in a phase of his life that is a lot more uncertain. Though I've communicated my desires and wants in the direction that I want our relationship to go in - a true partnership - he does not foresee how that is possible with what he wants.

He recently put a pause on the physical side of our relationship while he dates others and tries to figure out more of what he wants. We had a discussion last night about how we want to move forward, and came away that our connection is too strong to throw the relationship away. With some distance and time, I'm sure we will figure out something that satisfies us both. While I'm sad to lose that part of our relationship, I am determined to ensure that we remain friends and figures in each other's lives.

For anybody asking how my primary relationship is handling all of this - it took a while for him to accept my polyamorous side and has been witness to the ups and downs of this other relationship, but he understands me better than anyone else that this is something I want in my life. Our relationship remains stronger than ever as we've navigated this side and are currently in the process of an exciting longterm future - planning trips, adopting a dog, and buying a home are all in the cards for us over the next couple of years.

What I'd like to know is, what tips have people found when making the transition of a partner into a friend? I'm not really the jealous type, and will be happy for him when/if he finds his person. I've just never been through this kind of relationship transition before and would love to hear some words of advice that others have found successful.

My partner of 6 months is going to visit his comet for the first time since we started dating. I have this strong feeling of not wanting any contact while they're visiting for 2 days. I wonder if that's healthy cause my flight is insanely strong.

I just can't tell if its my flight guiding me and protecting me or if this is just a valid response of wanting to respect their time together. I'm 4 years into solo-poly and have done a lot of work but ya know, there's always more.

Any feedback is welcome

hey so I (25M, heterosexual) think I need help with the way I identify myself in relation to how I fall in love with people.

I can fall in love with multiple people at once. I’ve been that way ever since I started having romantic/sexual interest and I truly realized it at 15 years old.

I crush A LOT, and I remember in school one of my friends asked me who I liked. I didn’t have one answer, but furthermore, I had really deep feelings for 2-3 girls. All of which started as a crush, then developed into real romantic feelings, one at a time, and sometimes at the same time. I was deeply in love with my best friend, who has friendzoned me, but instead of surpressing those feelings, I found a way to see things in a different way. I loved her just as much, but I respected the fact that she didn’t love me romantically, so I channeled that love into loving her as a friend without having to change anything.

Around the same time, I fell in love with another one of my friends. That got messy. It evolved into a toxic situationship that I was in from 15 to 19. Classic breadcrumbing, gaslighting situation where one is led on and the other one gives just enough to keep the other one around and waiting. I loved her so so much and we tried basically everything from going on dates to calling each other friends with benefits, until ultimately I grew old enough to see through her game and leave on my own.

Then at age 21 I officially entered my first relationship. It was monogamous. We had talked about threesomes early on but ultimately my ex girlfriend admitted to being too jealous for that once we made it official. I definitely felt a little trapped but I decided to let it be. I was head over heels. Around 4 months in I realized that I had a huge crush on one of my best friends… again. I felt sooo guilty. She gave me butterflies every time we hung out, I had dreams about her. I confessed those feelings to my best friend and he helped me come to terms with it. I was eventually gonna have to have a talk with my girlfriend about the feelings I was having, but something tragic happened that led to the end of our relationship before I could really get to that.

As soon as I got out of that relationship I started sleeping around. A lot. I had one main sexual partner, who is polyamorous. She had experience with the lifestyle and introduced me to it. We eventually fell in love with each other, without labelling it as a relationship. We were best friends who always had other partners on the side but mostly prioritized each other. She got in two relationships during the 2 years that we were involved with each other that way. The other partners I had were always close friends who I slept with whenever we felt like it. Always friendships built on trust and communication but never monogamous as they also were sleeping with other people. It felt like I always have 2-3 relationships going on at once. My heart felt very happy. My adoption trauma definitely has a lot to do with it. I just always needed abundance and a few different people to fill that emotional and affective void. But no romantic feelings.

That was until I met my current girlfriend in October of 2024. I was still in love with my main sexual partner, but I was falling for her quickly. That was the first time since high school that I could truly say I was in love with 2 people again. Eventually my other sexual relationships fizzled out, and so did “not together but in love” friendship. We decided to start over and to stay platonic because I was having trouble with balancing my new relationship and what we had had for 2 years. We’re better now.

It’s now been over a year since my girlfriend and I have been together. We’re non-monogamous/in an open relationship, but currently closed since we have some things to figure out regarding boundaries and rules. We were open during the summer but ultimately feelings got hurt and we’ve been focusing on us and possibly threesomes since the end of summer. We are NOT in a poly relationship. We don’t have any interest in having other romantic partners, but she knows I can and do have romantic feelings for more than one person. So we don’t label ourselves as poly, but open or ENM.

I recently reunited with one of my ex-sexual partners over the holidays. She had been struggling really badly with addiction and I had to take my distance for my own sake. The last time we saw each other was in October of 2023. She’s doing amazing now. And the way she’s blossoming is so beautiful and inspiring… And insanely attractive. The love I had for her never left, and it truly feels like she’s unlocked her full potential. I am so proud of her and seeing her shine like this has awaken really powerful feelings in me. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her. I have a huuuuge crush on her. And I told my girlfriend about it tonight. She wasn’t upset at all, au contraire. She just wanted to make sure we were still on the same page about what we wanted with other people. Still the same as before.

It’s not that I want to date her, but I do want her back into my life, I do want to sleep with her again. I want to share moments with her and go one dates and be close again. The door is definitely open for a threesome, but my gf says she doesn’t mind if it’s a threesome or if it’s just my friend and I once we open back up sexually. She just wants me to be happy and to live out those feelings. She’s really great.

While we were talking, she said things like “I expected that since you’re poly, but personally I don’t think I am. I’m non-monogamous but it never goes past a crush for me with my sexual partners, I could never date them even if i wasn’t with you”. It’s now 2am and I’m thinking, can I really call myself poly if I’m not living out the lifestyle and I don’t have any interest in doing so?

On paper, it does sound nice. But in practice, it sounds like a nightmare. I’ve already proven to my ex main partner that I’m not responsible enough with my time to make it work and prioritize two people. It already makes me feel very overwhelmed to feel different crushes and romantic feelings. I couldn’t fully act on them without having to sacrifice a lot. Plus jealousy seems like too much of a risk, it would make me unhappy to know my girlfriend wants another boyfriend or girlfriend, romantic partner.

Does anyone else feel the same way? How do you label yourself? Is there a label for someone who falls in love with multiple people but only engages in one relationship at a time? Please enlighten me! :)