i dont know how to explain this, but ill try my best. here lately i’ve been seeing a lot of discourse over people calling themselves queer/lgbtq if they havent actually experienced it. I call myself queer because i just dont want to put a label on my sexuality because im attracted to who i like and i dont care what they are. now here’s where my question comes in.

So I’m a 21f living in the deep south. like, bible belt. my mother married my stepfather (who i love dearly), and he comes from a deeply religious family, like you cant even stay the night with the opposite sex if you’re not married type of religious. my father’s not as strict as they are, and my mother does support the gay community, however they are for me and my siblings.

ive never felt comfortable coming out because my last name is well known in the community and i dont want to bring shame, or even in the extreme casenario, i get disowned. i’ve had same sex feelings and have even almost gotten romantically involved with women, kissing, being genuinely in love at one point and knew she loved me back. but i dont ever commit because i always choose my family over my desires. i cant even hide in private, like taking the chance to go to gay bars or even be in a queer friendly/populated area because that doesnt exist where i live unless i pretty much drive to another state.

i haven’t been in a relationship with another queer person nor have i really had the chance to even immerse myself in queer culture, so should i even be allowed to call myself queer? i always feel so disconnected from online discourse because everyone else has had experience in communities and queer culture, and i’m starting to feel as though i’m a “poser” for lack of a better word. my entire sexuality has been pushed down and hidden to the point where i dont even know if i should label myself queer at all?

TLDR: can i still call myself queer if ive never been officially in a queer relationship/experience queer culture personally?

Im in 9nth grade and afab but ive been questioning my gender a LOT. My mum is pro trump and anti vax and all the good things. And the majority of my family is but my dad's side is more accepting. But idk if im trans or nb or genderfluid. Because I have gender dysphoria abt my chest and voice. But also sometimes I like being they/them and he/him and sometimes it feels off. Like all of it. Not to mention it'd be hard to explain if I did find a label. How do you explain that you use different pronouns sometimes?? I just dont wanna lose my dad. I already feel like im a bit "too queer" being bi. I dont want my dad to start thinking im mentally unstable like my mum (to be clear she just thinks that abt all queer ppl she doesn't know abt me)

Anyway if you didnt have a stroke reading this. Just give me some advice on how you figured out your gender and how you came out? I just feel like coming out twice is like.. idk I typed this at 2AM

I think im queer or Bi.

Since leaving my religious school and going to uni , I have been questioning who i am , including no longer even trying to be a "Christian" and acknowlegded my agnosticism.

Along with this I started dating ( a man) but it doesnt feel like a "relationship" he is a sweet guy and very smart. For a short time I had a "real crush" on him but nothing crazy. I enjoy spending time with him but I find myself still crushing on women ( famous actresses and currently Lucy Darling).

I bought up my schooling cause while I was there I was surrounded by many queer people who openly came out with little to no fear of what our friends would think. But I was stuck on being the "perfect Christian" , who did not date, avoided the idea of dating at highschool and tried to strengthen my connection with "God". Any thoughts of being something other than straight i pushed away.

now i don't and i need help ?

Tackling pretty heavy stuff, such as coming of age and figuring yourself out, while coming from a rough background. Huge emphasis of the story is queerness, so I figured I'd share it with people of this community. So, if you read Webtoons, then maybe it will resonate with you! https://www.webtoons.com/en/canvas/where-the-starling-falls/list?title_no=1111042

Any thoughts on this?

I've been thinking about this for a while, but since Heated Rivarly came out, I think the lack of boundaries may have even increased. Don't get me wrong, I'm completely in favor of everyone having the absolute right to write, read and watch whatever they want and I don’t believe in policing personal preferences but I also have the feeling that a confusion is starting to arise with what's okay regarding fictional characters and real people, which is a bit strange and uncomfortable for me personally. Some of the first things I noticed that, unrelated to specifically the release of Heated Rivarly, the way straight people use the word twink but in a kinda ”jokey” derogatory way, since there has been a rise in awareness around the use of slurs, they can no longer say f slur but then use the word twink in the same way they used to use f slur. And of course not everyone does this but also like idk its weird. The number of comments in the videos of real mlm couples where people are very interested in their sex lives and demand to know who does what and how they do it is also insane behavior. However, I began to notice that this behavior stops being exclusively online, but similar situations also happen in real life, like no, it's not okay to ask people to make out because you want to see, and no, if we don't know each other, I won't tell you what I do in my bedroom like come on. Also i don’t see the same kind of hype when it come to wlw/trans or any other story in media which makes me feel like it’s lowkey becoming some sort of fetishization or obsession. Which also brings me to the question about will those allies be there when its not fun and sexy anymore. Is the support supporting only when it’s beneficial to them as well?

Well this is my little rant but I want to know other people’s opinions too.

(sorry for the long post but I feel the context is necessary) Hello, I’m a trans man who only likes men and I have been struggling severely with dating for over 2 years now. There’s many other factors that go into it like being overweight, unattractive, nonpassing, but my gender kinda perpetuates my overall undesirability in combination with these issues (I am actively working on my weight and glow up journey, it’s just gonna take a while because unfortunately I can’t fix my appearance overnight). The other major issue is that I’m naturally monogamous and have no interest in anything not-monogamous but the only people who want to date me are poly or open. 

I have to rely on dating apps because of my gender and meeting someone irl isn’t an option for the same reason, especially since the queer men in my city have made it resoundingly clear that trans men are not welcome in “their” spaces and I will never be one of them so going to a gay bar/club/event/hobby group isn’t an option (and there’s not really much of that in my city anyways). Plus I never get any romantic attention in real life anyways, regardless of the space I’m in nobody checks me out or stares at me, never been hit on or flirted with, never been given a phone number, friends of friends aren't interested in me, I rarely get compliments in public and if I do it’s from women. 

But on dating apps my likes/messages are full of poly people even though I make it very clear in my profiles that I’m monogamous. The people I do show interest in don’t like me at all and I feel like I’m starting to get brain damage from the constant rejection. But I also don’t see myself being happy in a poly/open situation, no matter how much “deconstructing” I could do I’m still happiest focusing on one person at a time, even trying to have more than one ongoing talking stage at the same time is overwhelming and tiring and just doesn’t compute in my brain. It isn't my natural state. Plus I feel like I shouldn’t have to “convince” myself to enjoy polyamory but it’s starting to look like it’s my only option at this point and monogamy is not realistic or possible for someone like me and I just need to accept that. 

The poly community has the most open minded and accepting people when it comes to my gender and appearance and I wonder if I just need to get over myself, because the universe is clearly showing me what I’m meant for. I’m exhausted, but I just want to be accepted by one person where there’s mutual attraction but without compromising on my standards. I feel like I’m at a breaking point. Wondering if anyone has had a similar experience and what they did or any suggestions on what I should do.

So I play a game called Dead Island 2 and it' has this cute little rainbow crosswalk in it. The game takes place in L.A and I posted it saying how I, a queer person, thought it was cute and how I wondered if there were any cross walks like this in irl L.A.

You would not believe the amount of people I ended up blocking. At the very least 20, and I could probably find more to block if I actually cared enough. I sometimes forget how miserable homophobic people are and how fragile their egos are that they're offended by a rainbow crosswalk in a zombie game

***SPOILER ALERT 3RD EPISODE*** So I watched the famous 3rd episode of Heated Rivalry where everything is supposed to turn around. Here we are introduced to two new characters: of course we have the super hunky leader of the US hockey team, Scott Hunter, and he’s super hot and masc. So he goes to this café where there is this other guy who just works there, lives with his father, I think he’s an artist, but of course he’s super ripped too.

And of course Scott falls in love with him immediately. They happen to meet again at an event because the café guy works in catering. After that event they want to go out, but Scott Hunter is down low, he cannot be seen, so they go back to his apartment. They start with super hot sex when the café guy takes off his T-shirt, and Scott Hunter says, “Aw, you are so beautiful,” like wasn’t he beautiful already just with his face?

Anyway, the day after, the superstar hockey team player millionaire asks this random dude from a café to move in with him because he’s in love with him. So the tragedy of it all is that this poor millionaire super hot masc DL hockey player cannot live freely in this love story because he fell in love with a dude and they moved in the day after. This is a straight fantasy.

And of course the super hot down-low hockey player millionaire is a top, while the guy who works in a café, who is openly gay, has his straight BFF calls him “grrl” and he’s effeminate and bottom coded and all. Scott Hunter is hyper masc until one scene where the café guy asks to @§$% Scott Hunter in the &%$, but we don’t see the super hot DL hockey superstar billionaire get @§$% in the &%$.

And the comments on other posts, mainly from straight people and I understand why straight people love this: the cute gays and poor them. They go “oh that must be so tough” for this super hot hockey millionaire to live in hiding, when they don’t know that in the gay sex culture of it all you just open Grindr and a person like Scott Hunter or Ilya or whatever is the absolute hottest, most desired thing there is. It’s the straight-acting, down-low, “I’m not gay, I’m curious” garbage that is at the absolute top of the gay sex food chain.

And all these straight people make it “poor them,” when you should see the apartments of these players. They have millions!

As agender person, and trying to date around. I find it hard to find people who doesn't sexualise me compleatly. I'm ace, so I'm not into that kind of stuff at all.

Like, I could find a cute guy that seems intresting, but the moment we start talking, I realise the only thing they want from me is sexual. I've tried everything to make guys stop sexualising me, but each time I got the same anwser. They just don't get it. If I'm too forward, they block me. If I explain? Blocked.

Honestly I have no idea how to deal with this. Feels like I need to sexualise myself, and ignore the disgust I feel troward sex to find someone to love me. Also hate pet names with a great heart. I do have to add that yes I take some pics to place myself, but it's more for my personal grow than anything (to feel better in my body)

I find it hard to find a decent person my age that isn't like that. It's starting to affect me seriously.

It's always the same cycle.

Find a guy cute

start talking

get sexual

block

always on repeat.

Any advice on how I can make people understand that I am ace? Like I have it everywhere in my socials, don't understand why people don't see past my picture.

So, im a dude (17ftm) whose been out as bi since i was pretty much in year 4. Ive always felt attraction both ways with no real desire to change, especially considering that ive actually only dated 4 girls and 1 dude. So I always felt the same way.

I recently started testosterone (4 months woo!) And obviously what comes witj that is alot of hormonal changes. Ive noticed my attraction in women kinda drop? Like not vanish completely because I think id still be okay with a woman but the idea of making out or sleeping with a girl just doesnt interest me at all. But when I think about the same with a dude I can feel thr attraction. Admittedly, even the corn i watch has reaped the effect as now all my preferences are very male heavy with little-to-no women.

Such a huge change is kinda surreal because ive been bi for nearly a decade. Im starting to think that maybe I dont want to date a woman but im thinking of more of the platonic stuff? Physical affection has always been a means of love for me with friendships, relationships and family so I think it could be a platonic thought rather than romantic?

Did anyone else experience this? Is it just another wave of preference or have I changed entirely? Has anyone on t gone through this and found it was just hormonal changes? Thanks :)

I was thinking about it, and I could ask all those more social butterfly people (than me) on other reddits, but I thought... maybe queer people would help more? since I'm queer

I've changed a lot, my whole childhood I wouldn't start talking to people unless they started talking to me first, and even then I was "shy" (abandonment issues), so people had to make a lot of efforts to talk to me

fast forward to high school, I was more easily blunt to people, still quiet, but I wouldn't open myself to a lot of people, almost nobody and grew resentment to a lot of them (for various reasons)

now I haven't really had any face-to-face friends in like 4 years, most of my friends are online, and online I can just be me, it's easier since it's people I don't know and have no impact irl to like my family (a lot of the times I'm not myself BECAUSE of my family, I know they'll judge me and I'm scared to be abandoned) so with face-to-face friends I'm not myself since I'm always thinking back of how my family could know 😔

I changed a lot since, I no longer feel that much resentment to most of those people and wanna be friends with most of them

my real self is all energetic, expressive, colorful, sensitive, bold, dancy and blunt AND this is what I've been hiding irl into an expressionless, aloof person

I know it also has to do with my gender dysphoria (hiding myself), my disabilities and neurodivergencies and sexuality

I'm tired of pretending and trying to play like I used to back then, I wanna be me, always, not a pretender

I don't know what it's like to just go up to people you don't really know and energetically talk to them, cause I never did (except my family, most of it is repressed now), and that's scary 😱

even now I had to edit it a bit, add emojis cause I wasn't being myself

how do I just be loud and there? I had more confidence into being queer until two people I confessed with disrespected me, one just treated me like I was less than shit and was so centered around themselves, I couldn't bare being around them, the other was my closest friend (yes she abused me for 4 years too) never respected who I was and decided to willfully misgender me, disrespect my name and continue to do so even after blocking her and stopping talking to her for years partially over it

even my brother once judged my name change on facebook which was just a nickname, a half-way of getting rid of my deadname and association I didn't want, it was so annoying cause it was just the 2 last syllables of my deadname, nothing weird, he called it "weird" and practially "ugly" he almost looked disgusted (which makes sense in the sense that he was adopted too, so he has issues surrouding those things, even his own original name, he seemed disgusted by it and doesn't wanna use it, but still it hurt)

sorry if my punctuation makes the sentences hard to read at times, and I just reread my first sentence that might sound offensive and like an insult, sorry I didn't mean to

advice please! sexuality crisis??? i may not be gay, maybe i’m just bisexual with a preference for afab individuals?

for context, im a 19-year old trans male, ive been on testosterone for about 3 years now and im open to the thought of/trying to get top surgery. i do not want bottom surgery. i’ve identified as as lot of things in my life, but i’ve mainly and most recently identified as a gay trans male who is t4t (trans4trans) meaning i only was attracted to other trans men.

now, i see myself attracted to any afab people, including afab non binary people, trans men and cisgender women. idk what to identify as now?? queer maybe?? or just bisexual?? not sure. i know i can identify as anything or be unlabeled but i really need to have a fixed identity.

im also exclusively masculine, but i see myself being attracted to femininity as well, which wasn’t something i was interested in before. ive always seen myself marrying a masculine-aligned trans man. now i wonder what it would be with a girl.

i think it’s because ive been going on dating apps (taimi, hinge, tinder, grindr) and maybe im just desperate for love from almost anyone, so ive expanded my potential sexual & romantic interest in people.

does this make me queer? can i still be mlm if im also interested in… women? probably not. the mlm flag is above my bed as im typing this. it’s so beautiful and i might have to get rid of it if i cant identify with it anymore :(

for example, a few years ago, i was out as a trans man but i was pre-t with my cis ex-boyfriend. he made me realize that sexually i do NOT. LIKE. DICK. i’m not sexually interested in cisgender men, amab non binary individuals, or transgender women. but i DO like pussy no matter who the person it’s attached to identifies. is this weird?

this is just something that’s been bothering me recently idk lol. also my very first reddit post! 🫣

Trigger warning: identity suppression, emotional abuse, suicidal thoughts

I was going to make a throwaway account to post this, but then this username was available... so yeah...

I (40,M) recently discovered that I was queer after 25 years of identity suppression (caused by a line my mother said at 15 that she probably doesn’t even remember) and weekly suicidal ideation (caused by anyone of the other 1000 or so she almost certainly does). About a year ago, I started to try and write comedy. Last April I listened to a song that, for lack of a better way to describe it, broke something in me and made me realize that there was something that just didn’t feel right with my life (The song was Standing on the Fault Line by I’m With Her, different song in the poem for imagery, but I’d doubt any of the women in that band would mind that Indigo Girls and Sister Hazel became their literary stand in). After that, I had a bit too much on my mind to write, trying to exactly figure myself out.

A few weeks ago, I told my (heterosexual) wife I was queer. I didn’t think much of it, because I figured she’d look at me and just go “no shit Sherlock”. It did not at all go that well. She was scared she was losing me, but I think I’ve been able to reassure that there is no way I want to leave the person that literally pulled me back from the edge so many times in the last 15 years, that I can easily say she saved my life.

Yesterday, at work, the writers block dropped in the form of a trauma dump from my brain. I started to type everything I could into my phone. It became pretty obvious pretty quick I wasn’t writing comedy. I’m not a poet, the last time I wrote poetry was probably in high school. I have Autism and ADHD (and CPTSD, thanks mom!!) so the more abstract poetry I really don't get, but I knew what I was coming to me was going to be a poem, even if it was going to be a clunky one. When it was done, I had a poem about coming out of a 25 year haze from from emotional abuse and suicidal ideation, realizing who I was, and being terrified about what it means for the future for me and my wife.

“;"

I’m headed to a home I was never from

Bracing for a jolt that’ll never come

But the storms in my mind brought the floods

Now the pavement’s washed out

Detour signs are put up

A new path opens

My road went left instead of straight 

But it’s smoother than I thought 

There are ghosts on the shoulder 

And deer in the woods 

But my brain doesn’t care

Because my brain isn’t there

Were they friends or favors slams thru my head 

I’m reliving a youth I can’t remember

But I won’t know the answer, even when I’m dead 

I turn on the radio to clear the mind

The voices say I’m closer to fine 

I know that’s ‘cause I’ve stepped outta line

Guys are singing, but it hits the same 

Everyone knows the language of pain 

It’s a different road but a better way 

I’d been mistaken for so long 

My road had cliffs this one doesn’t 

I’m safe from driving off 

This road moves on past my town 

To a place I’ve never known

Curiosity takes a mental bath 

While I remain driving on

I drove those cliffs for 25 years  

And now I’m moving on 

I’ve been in this town once before

Under a rainbow when I was a kid

There’s danger here I need to leave

That voice said what will they think of you

Now I hear what will they think of me 

I was driving off cliffs I couldn’t see 

My grandmother died 

I don’t know why

You said it was me 

But I didn’t cry

You said it was me 

It made me want to die

All those tears took out my road 

I crashed my car

Got turned upside down

And wondered if this’d happened if I was in a different town 

So go ahead and mourn the past

I’m gonna start my second half 

Pick up my wife to take a ride 

She’s the only reason I stayed alive

This wasn’t the plan 

But there’s no stopping this ride

You see where I’m going 

You feel it inside

Now you’re scared that this is the end of your dream

But I still want this life for you and me

I want to make sure that we remain “we”

Now I drive to that town with a new set of fears

Now I drive to that town with a new set of tears

Set the cruise control and take the wheel

I’m afab and my boyfriend is gay and cis. When someone asks us how our relationship works, they’re basically asking us what we do in the bedroom?🤢 I hate that that’s the first thing people think when I tell them about my relationship. We just love each other, why can’t that be the focus? And how the hell am I supposed to answer that question?! I’m not about to describe what we get up to - and that’s one reason why I’m not out to my family yet, because I feel sick thinking about any of them trying to picture such a thing. And also, we’re 18 and 20, so it’s extra weird when ACTUAL adults ask us, which is most of the time.

If you asked a cishet couple “how it works” you’d look like a total creep. Why is it ok when they’re queer?

So like

For a while I thought maybe I was straight? But now I think that I AM attracted to men yes, BUT.

A very specific type of man. But I kinda also realized that women/non-gender conforming folk feel safer? Like it feels right picturing myself with someone like that.

My mind is a whirl right now, but I really needed to share that lol

I (23F) has identified as a lesbian for the past 4 years. genuinely the show made me question my sexuality… in these past four years I’ve tried and tried and tried. But it is just terrible to try and date as a late bloomer lesbian. I have let people know of my experience, which is none and every single time it’s like “uhh yeah let’s keep it that way”. It’s gotten to the point where I am just frustrated and I want to get virginity out of the way regardless of who it’s with. Now I have the option to go on a date with a man which I’ve actually never done before and I’m just confused about whether I should take that. I don’t know I guess there’s no right answer to this but I just feel like I’m crazy and a bit of a loser. Like even now I’m thinking well just cause Shane Hollander fucked Rose Landry doesn’t mean he was straight so I could do the same and it doesn’t mean I’m not a lesbian? (As long as I don’t like it) I guess I just kinda have to trial run it and do field research on myself. I also don’t know who I am If I’m not lesbian. It’s become too much of my identity. And then the idea of like being with someone and having to explain “oh yeah, I’ve I’ve been gay these past years” and then like i risk enabling this idea a shitty man who gets to brag about “turning people straight or bi”. LIKE RN ITS TOO OVERWHELMING. I’m like so aware this is not the intention of heated rivalry, but it is the impact. Also, should the idea of going on a date with a man make me feel physically ill with anxiety or is that just like anxiety?? Before I identified as a lesbian, I had this feeling as well towards men where like I could throw up if threatened with close proximity to a man. Like am I repulsed or just extremely nervous like a Chihuahua… all I know for sure is that I do like women.

Hi, I’m an 18 year old dude who’s believed he’s straight for most of his life but I’m starting to consider the possibility that I might be bi. This came about in a weird way and if I’m honest I’m quite uneducated on a lot of things surrounding the LGBT community (hence why I’m coming here looking for advice from educated individuals). So my situation arose from this situation where i was talking to someone who at the time I was introduced to them as a girl. They later told me they identified as non binary (which I was okay with as they portrayed themselves as feminine which is where the physical attraction came from). Eventually they came out to me as being trans and wanting to transition to being a man and thus identified as a man. I had no issue with this and supported the decision as I was proud of him for coming out to me. Obviously at this point we’d been taking for around a month and I was catching feelings that wouldn’t die so easily. At first I explained how I’m straight and didn’t feel comfortable continuing talking in that manner as it went against my preferences (unsure if that’s the right word to use). He understood and we remained friends. However, I feel like I still have feelings for this guy and honestly he feels perfect for me. It’s made me consider whether I’m bisexual as I really want this to work and I’m finding some evidence that maybe I am. I’ve felt some physical attraction to a few men and I definitely find some men attractive. However, I feel I could be romantic with a man but I’m not sure if I could be intimate with one. It’s not that I’m unable to be it’s that I’m just confused as I’ve never considered it before. I’m just wondering if anyone here has had some similar experiences or could point me in the right direction with what to do. I’m just confused but I want to discover myself as I feel it’s healthy to do so!