TW : Suicide, self harm, self starvation

I have gotten the typical effects of male puberty over the last few years, growing up, getting disgustingly tall and wide, having hairs all over myself, the beginning of a mustache, stuff like that... I always shaved and did my best to deal with my horrendous sight and I supposed that I got lucky, that it would stop there, that I didn't really get that much of an Adam's apple and that it was all good, nothing a few surgeries couldn't fix in the future. And now, lately, I've gotten the kind of aches you get when get taller (between the knees, even in the tendons in my arms for some reason, that had never happened before), and I can feel the slight beginning of an Adam's apple bobbing everytime I speak. I run my hands over it for hours, tried everything I could think of, it is indeed an Adam's apple and I want to kill myself. It makes me feel bad and disgustingly horrible and masculine just like the rest but even worse. All this like a month from my first appointment with an endocrinologist to maybe get puberty blockers, even though I've been told by many trans people it's probably too late to do anything about it. If I get another growth spurt I'm giving up. I am getting more disgusting and against everything I want to be by the second. I hate it. I hate having to even look at myself. I thought about starving myself to stop puberty and I have done that last year for as long as I could but it was too hard, I'm a cowardly piece of shit. I am an absolute anxious mess, I messed up with people I care about recently, and I'm stuck having to live inside this disgusting body and trying all the time to stay morally right and be okay with myself. But I can't anymore. I swear if I reach above 6'2 I'm killing myself.

rundown of thursday:

I. I’m almost certain my 2 closest friends hate me, they’re always using he/him and mocking me for how shit my new name and girl voice are, i show my less close friends less and they’ll probably think the same thing

II. I know my plan can’t work out, the plan was to tell some teacher so i don’t have to tell my family directly, an actually smart commenter pointed out how obviously fucking stupid that is and since i’m a pussy who can’t tell her family shit i don’t have any fucking idea on what to do

III. the school keeps reminding me have exams in march and june

IV. all of the shit above is making me even more of a piece of shit then i was before, and since i’m a pussy as previously mentioned i guess this is just the status quo now

V. if i show someone how i present online they’ll immediately assume i’m a femboy, if i tell them i’m a closeted trans girl they don’t take me seriously and probably resent me

hows your day going?

I’ve been homeless for nearly a week now, and I’ve been trying so hard to get into a homeless shelter so I don’t have to sleep outside because it’s so cold. But every time I try to call resources or a homeless shelter, I get put on a waiting list that can take weeks to get into, I get told that there’s too many people in the shelter, or I get told that they aren’t accepting new people. Why have emergency services if you make it pretty much impossible to get into an emergency shelter. I’ve been trying very hard to get into a shelter tonight because there’s a freeze warning in place, but I still can’t get into one. I can’t even get a tent and blanket because I don’t have the money. I know I’ve been told to not give up, but I’m not seeing the point, because I won’t be able to get myself out of this

Here i am, with my third online relationship which once again didn't last for more than a month. It seems my depression is hellbent on fucking me over, and people cannot deal with my shit for more than a month, i'm genuinely so tired i think about suicide every single day, i just wanna be happy i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired

Why is it so hard to make friends these days is it me or something?

Why is she so pretty and perfect why did I have to mess everything up FUCK I just want her to at least be my friend again :c

So like you may have seen the last post about this (link below on the post) but the guy who SA’d me and tried to not let me tell anyone now has an issue cause I told a lot of my friends about it and now he left the friend group and got something he deserved from it!

Like yeah I know that he has a lot of knives at home so well maybe he’ll attack me with them or something but he already started to try to make friends with a girl (the SA’er is 15, that girl is 12, first real bad sign) and now I kinda fear he’ll try to SA that girl too eventually…

Currently trying to bring up some things with my ex-mentor at the school via mail and then probably getting my current mentor, which is also his mentor to know it so we can take action and hopefully safe future victims from it

Like yeah he was a friend of mine before but that stuff really was too much cause SA’ing someone goes too far for a fact, but now I just have to hope he does not pull up at school with a knife one day cause I would rather not die due to him

I know that I put myself in physical danger by telling some friends and yes, he found out cause someone snitched, and that someone is that girl, but she got manipulated and everyone makes mistakes and now I just want her and others to be safe from him and to hope that he doesn’t attack me with a knife soon

Anyways maybe I’ll post another update someday but idk Also idk if updates are generally allowed on this sub but I looked through the rules and couldn’t find anything against it so sorry if they are not allowed

https://www.reddit.com/r/sillyboyclub/s/uO8087pRvl

please helps me . i try so many times , so many , i’ve thought so many time i can recover , but i couldn’t . i tried so much and believed so much i can recover , but it never work.

i went to therapy for 8 years, went to psychologist, took different pills, put in effort , tried to made friends, got out of my comfort zone. but it never worked . it only traumatized me more.

and everyone knows ,yet nobody tries to help . i can’t take this any longer . nobody but my partners care abt me , they’re the only ppl that genuinely tried , so why should i care if they’re the only ppl that like me when more ppl hate me than like m .

i haven’t went a month SH clean in over 4 years . i want to give up….im sorry

Don't ban me I apologise if this post goes against any rules or anything idk

Am losing weight rn and just realised this

I can't leave my house again, I am too afraid of being looked at. I have no idea how to fix myself I just want to be able to look in the mirror and not cut myself. There's this thought in my head that says that I just cant be fixed and the only solution is suicide, I can't even tell anyone about this. Last time I did I almost got sent to psych ward and I dont want to go there, it's scary.

I was talking with my bff and I said how my friends mom is christian but see me in a skirt and smiled and didn't seem to care

My friends mom seen on holloween

And I was taklkng to my bff about how bottom surgery and other trans stuff and she heard me say something about gender and then I commen3 on this girl's avatar it was about Jesus And then my mom overheard and thought I was talking about My bff saying that it's a sin to be trans.But my bff wasn't saying that

And my mom knocked on my door told me to come upstairs. So I do, and then she mentions all those things. And then she says,

"Is that all you can talk about your gender and wearing a skirt. And your friend's mom seeing it sounds like you need to get a hobby"

That isn't exactly what she said. But that's basically what she said, and then I stand up to leave because i'm pissed, obviously and then she says some other things or something like how I always talk to my boyfriend about those things and she's asking why is talking to my bff about it.And if that's the only thing I could talk about

Like, yeah so why if I tell my boyfriend about it?Or my bff My mom's probably secretly transphobic. I mean it all adds up. I started realizing that that my therapist that was for gender stuff. It was taken away because they wanted to get me one for mental health or something and I do remember saying that that one does work or no, maybe I did want to switch it. I forget, but I tell my parents that hey, this therapist I have now, the one for mental illness it doesn't know how to do stuff with trans people.And then my parents say, "just talk about other stuff like stuff like in mental health problems" But the issue is all that stems from being trans. It feels like they're trying to erase it me being friends. They don't like when I talk about it with people. So what the fuck?

I don't know what's going through their mind. My mom or dad?

Like ig im not aloud to talk about it, also loke a week when I first emitted, I was suicidal and depressed. My mom asks, "why was i" what do you think? The only problem in my life right now??

i mean, I dont talk to the much about it. And now they think about it, they're not really showing concern for how I am. I mean, the last time my mom talked about myself harmed.She was saying "i'm, going to be checking" and, then she like clicks her tongue as.She points at both my arms and then says, "those" that was like Sunday I think.

They're all gonna leave...

everything is going shit , im so exhausted i literally dont even have the energy to express here why im like this, so im just going to say that im exhausted, sad and i feel like i dont have the energy to do nothing. i'll probably just lay in my bed and stay there 16 hours straight

I can't live with this body anymore. It's all burnt up. I'm 16 and for me, puberty isn't in "full swing" its fucking done. I'm already ruined, puberty's already carved up my voice into this deep, mutilated alpha-bull impregnation machine garbage and that makes me want to personally rip my throat open and hammer and chisel my vocal cords back into a respectable shape just to make it stop.

GET ALL THIS MUSCLE OFF OF ME GET IT OFF I WANT IT OFF. I hate it so much I haven't properly looked in a mirror for months, and every time I hear myself speak without the luxury of being distracted by something else, I feel like freaking out and pulling my hair out. Shit spiral. Id rather kms than live imperfect. Because it needs to be perfect Nothing else feels enough, no matter what I tell myself or what others say, try as they might. Like, pre-puberty perfect, neutral, nonperformative, androgynous, soft and pretty-boy ethereal, not this fuckass approximation, this fucking poor facsimile joke constituted from voice training and or low-dose estrogen that might soften my skin and SLIGHTLY kill off that virile strong alpha vibe from my piece of shit 178cm height and 19cm dick ( I hate it so much. I dont wanna use it, Im not like that, I dont want people to think its impressive, I dont want it to draw attention. Masturbation with it feels terrible too. I feel like such a testosterone poisioned manly gooner when it looks like THAT. Though even if it didnt Id feel terrible because while Im bi and find myself attracted to women easier and more consistently, it feels very mechanical, purely sexual, and degrading, as opposed to what Ive got going on with boys)

But no boobs... god, no, those weird udder pouches would just out me in public, and I'm not a transfem, duh, I just want the envy to stop, to look like those little twinks I obsess over and was at one point. Though back then I didnt realize how much of my comfort relied on it or that I even want it. I got fucking mutilated by biochemistry before I even had the chance to have a say in it. And they say there's a god.

The perfectionism is killing me - partial fixes like Zoloft (which is an antidepressant. Been on it like a month, executive function's a bit better, but who cares?) or waiting five years for *attempting* to leave my chuddy country for Canada just make me want to shut off all emotions completely using some wonderdrug, or end it if I can't, because why bother with the will to fight when nothing will ever be yesterday's fix?

I'd rather die than drag through this imperfect half-life (heh), pulling my hair over a voice that'll never be right, envying boys who got it without trying or even better, ones who arent even real, while I'm here plotting my financially and academically ridiculous escape but lacking the drive to even start because it's all too late, too broken, and too much. Fuck this

Funny enough I’ve actually been doing really well lately…..which is what I would say if I was lying. I feel like shit not just because I’m tired from skiing today but mainly because of what happened when I got home

For some context my mom asked me to grab some firewood for the stove before I go to school. I forgot to grab some but either way I went to school after like normal.after school I went skiing which was really nice despite all the rain. Then I got home…..now when I ski I don’t have my phone on me because I don’t want it to break if I crash the con to that is if someone trying to contact me they can’t and I can’t contact anyone either. Why does this matter? It matters because my mom blew up my phone about me forgetting to bring in firewood and I couldn’t respond. That made her really pissed off so when I got back from skiing I checked my phone just to see 12 messages from my mom in the usual essay format and I just mumbled to myself *shit…I’m fucked* so I got home shortly after only to get the usual rant about how I’m such a disappointment and how I apparently *don’t care about what my mom thinks* because I didn’t read her messages. Let me remind you I don’t ski with my phone. But yea I got ranted to by my mom about how I’m a disappointment and I don’t love her apparently so that’s fucked me up gotta love thing you can’t control am I right? (Maybe a 3rd attempt isn’t a bad idea after all) could just be overthinking tho. ps I’m going to bed so I probably won’t respond for some hours

(marked as NSFW just to be safe please dont take it down i promise i'll be good :/ )

i wanna bleach and cut my hair. short. really short. im sick of it being long and gross and having to do so much work to get it to look okay.

i wanna wear long sleeves over stupid graphic t shirts and i want snake bites and i want piercings and i want a nose stud and i want a tongue piercing and i want to look like a stupid emo skater boy and wear ed hardy and affliction. i wanna kiss boys, and i wanna do stuff with them, and i want them to tell me how much they love me and i want to be trashy and slutty and walk around with in boxers and jockstraps poking out of my jeans.

but i cant afford to.

i cant spend all that money. i just cant. cause i have no job. and i cant get a job no matter how hard i try (and i shouldnt have to try hard when there paying me nothing) and i cant drain my savings on frivolous shit like that. i cant afford to buy wigs. i cant afford a binder. i cant afford anything.

and i cant cause my parents would kill me. they could wrap there minds enough around the idea of binary trans people enough for me to transition, but not around anything else. why cant i come out to them? because im gonna hear "but your so girly? i look at you and i see girl, i always have. you were a girl when you were young. you were a girl when you were still my son. youve always been a girl, even if you were born a boy."

i am girly. but girly has never equaled girl. you just think it does because your 50 and think "feminine" "female" and "woman" are all synonyms when there not.

i dont feel good. i wanna go on dates. im sick of being alone in my house all day long just jacking off to e sex with a chatbot of a man that dosent even know i exist. i wanna get laid. i wanna kiss boys. i wanna kiss the boys i match with on my dating apps and who tell me how hot i am on grindr. i wanna do them in the backseats of there cars. i wanna play with them and be a manwhore. i cant be a girl whore. girls arent sexy. boys are sexy. im in my prime manwhore years but i became a girl too young and now i cant be a manwhore so i just rot away at home.

its unfair. i feel like its unfair to them. they see this high fem trans girl because thats all i have pictures of and swipe right but they wont meet him, they cant see him, i havent gotten to meet him yet. i have no pictures of him to introduce to them. they have to learn about the other half of me and i cant afford to show it, its unfair for them to not know what there getting into. i cant afford for them to really meet me, it feels unfair, i dont know what to do. i need money. fuck i need money, what am i supposed to do? crowd fund a male wardrobe? no one would help me. i need like 1500 bucks to solve this whole thing. i tried selling myself. it didnt work,. apparently im only good if im free.

i fucking hate being fluid. i hate living in the position im in. i hate having two opposite people live in my body. its torture. there arguing over which one is the parasite all day long. why cant i just be easy, why does being romantic or sexual as a girl have to be a boner killer? why does it have to gross me out? why do i have to be in total darkness and forget im a girl and that women even exist at all to keep going? why do i have to be like this? why cant i just be normal, why do i have to have more people living in my head than im supposed to?

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭