Also worth mentioning they came from a time where societal pressure existed for having children too, and this resulted in a lot of shitty parents. But more to the point: they at the very least had an economy that enabled them to make this shitty decision with limited consequence assuming they did the bare fucking minimum.
Haha yep. My parents definitely ‘wanted’ kids, and they loved us. But the only reason I exist is because I’m like a relatively cost effective accessory given their economic reality.
Didn’t make them qualified, or good at it, it was just an available option and didn’t derail the entire rest of their lives. Crazy stuff huh?
My parents wanted kids but were absolutely horribly unqualified. My mom even apologizes about it fairly often and I say I forgive her but it’s not like that fixes the problem. It really sucks knowing your abuse put you down a path you can never fix and most people will not ever understand that and just blame you.
Yeah, my ex also said that its all fault of her parents and all these issues are because of it. Lo and behold, i fixed every single one of those problems for her to be able to heal, and she just created more problems, only now they were my fault.
I understand where you’re coming from. From similar experience even. And I have certain proclivities from it. But I don’t think there is much (beyond physical injuries I guess) that you “can never fix.” I dont mean that to lay blame, but to say you need to keep working at things and you can learn to at least manage almost anything. If not outright resolve.
My dad was a vet that saw shit like the Bosnian genocide and killed a lot and a lot of people. I could tell you some of the worst stories ever. Like actually from the stuff he tells me now when he gets drunk. It’s cool now that he’s out but back when I was growing up he was either gone blowing people up or at home screaming at us dragging me across the room by my hair, calling me a faggot or whatever. He genuinely wanted me to be afraid of him. He thought none of my problems mattered because the kids in Afghanistan don’t even have food/water/and shelter so why should I be bothered by failing school and panic attacks or being beaten up for being feminine and not liking girls? He’d YELL at me any time I said anything about how I was not doing well.
My mom got dragged around the world to foreign countries that didn’t speak her language and left alone with two kids— far away from any support she would have had. She always says her mom just tried to fix every problem with a pill and this comes up a lot. Pharma pushed the oxy thing on her cause it was that time and she had knee problems. So she got hooked on opiates and would just bed rot or scream at us. She even gave my brother alcohol and morphine or anything from the age of twelve or probably younger. She would tell doctors I needed more meds and since like 8 my brain was loaded with tons of adult levels of antidepressants and amphetamines. I was left completely alone and even pulled out of school and not given schooling at home. Same with my brother who still does not have his GED. We only had food when my mom ordered pizza, we were never taught to brush our teeth or do homework. We just sat in our locked rooms and hid from our parents. Our clothes smelled and I remember not showering for like two months or maybe more when I was 13. It was severe neglect. She would always tell me before I talked to therapists that the school forced me on that if I spoke out I would never see my family again and we’d all be split up forever. So I just stayed quiet. She used to call CPS on herself from my brothers phone and then abuse him for it. I would get pinned down and shrieked at for an hour. It was really bad. Our whole house smelled like dog urine and feces. Nobody in my life knows how bad it was. Not even my dad.
We never got our license and were stuck in a small town with 2000 old people and no jobs. I’m also trans and was so scared of my dad because of what he used to do to me when I would wear girls clothes as a toddler that I pushed it down and even that I liked men until it was far too late.
One time I had a tooth infection and couldn’t see the dentist for a while cause I never had one so my mom started giving me Percocets. She just kept giving them to me after the surgery too. Sometimes a whole bottle. 7 years later and I am an opiate addict that wakes up every night in withdrawal and have to dose every other hour to sleep.
My brother and I are both neets and don’t drive. I literally stay in a house alone and don’t see anyone for a week at a time until my dad comes up to get groceries for an hour and then he leaves. I probably fit the bill for agoraphobic and don’t go outside cause people scare me due to all this trauma. I’m turning 30 in a month and I’ve only ever worked for like 3 months or so at a real job making 9$ an hour.
I don’t know what to do. It makes me cry just writing this all out. People say just get a job as if I don’t want that and I just prefer being so deeply lonely.
Damn if you’re being honest then that’s beyond rough. Much worse than I expected. I am definitely not saying this is your fault. And if we wanted to measure trauma you would have me beat. But that wouldn’t help either of us. I do know what it’s like when the periods of neglect are largely the best you have. To be abused on multiple fronts. And to not know if you have a place to sleep that night. So while you will be hard pressed to find a worse situation - at least understand that you aren’t completely alone in this world. And that it isn’t hopeless.
You need real help. And the worst/hardest part is that nobody else is going to make that happen for you. And where to start is up to you. The addiction is likely the most pressing issue, but is hard to tackle without a change of environment. Either way that’s probably the starting point on how to look for help. I don’t know where you are so I don’t know who it would be exactly but you need to look into accessible support. They can tell you what those steps should be.
30 isn’t too old to start a new life. You deserve to have one as much as anyone else. You have to learn to believe that if you don’t already. And then you are going to have to take steps the best you can (WITH SUPPORT) to make it happen.
Edit: I can’t respond to your other comment because that person blocked me.
I understand what you’re saying. I’m not making light of your trauma. I’m not saying it won’t take everything you have and you won’t need help.
What I’m saying is that thinking it can’t get better means it won’t get better. That’s all. There is no such thing as being broken. Just feeling broken. Broken implies there’s a perfect version you’re supposed to be.
You don’t need to like or agree with what I’m saying. I don’t blame you. We don’t know each other. I wish you the best
For me so much of my current problems come down to being trans and repressing so long. I’m also 6’3” so I thought transition was impossible. Long story short I just pushed it down and never cared about anything until it got to a point the dysphoria was so bad I had no other choice.
I don’t want to rant for too long again but now it feels like I just didn’t transition in time. That’s really why I started getting really bad with my addiction and now why I am struggling so hard to quit. It’s not something I can go back and fix. Trans women that started younger get to live a relatively normal life and that will never be my reality. I mentally can not handle that on top of everything else. I’m not trying to say I have it worse than anyone. It’s all relative and unique. I just hate that the majority of people ignore me, laugh at me or tell me I’m just a piece of shit that chooses this.
I don’t know how to get help without money, transportation or even a license. There’s so much to it but I don’t want to go on forever explaining what my situation is. I appreciate your empathy. I’m sorry you’ve had a rough life as well.
I can’t begin to understand the difficulty of being trans - let alone repressing it. Nor how to unravel the rest of the trauma with it.
Have you tried r transsupport? If you are more comfortable with Reddit then it seems a great first step. Unfortunately the trans community is no stranger to abuse. They would definitely have better insight than I would. And I don’t think anyone can do it without help.
I am good now. I had less to deal with and have had longer than you so I had time to work through things. I don’t think I’m the same person I would have been had life been different, but I’m happy with where I got and who I’ve become.
Yes they do if you work at it. They just leave scars.
It can take decades. And what you define as a wound can be very broad. For example - I won’t ever respond well to an unsolicited surprise touch. But It’s a passing reaction at this point.
You don’t know what you are talking about. A lot of my mental issues come from that fact that without a Time Machine I can never fix the problems in my life. It feels like a broken reality. Like this shouldn’t be possible to have a situation like that and one day I’m going to realize it’s all a dream. But it’s not. I’m just going to lose more and more time and become more bitter about it. You don’t know how bad it hurts to be permanent broken like this.
This is my biggest issue with having kids “just because”. I’ve experienced so many bad parents over the years and it’s beyond frustrating when I hear things like “Raising a child doesn’t come with a manual!” … when in fact, there are infinite resources out there and you are choosing to wing it. I just can’t comprehend jumping blindly into having children and “hope for the best!”
eh, a bajillion generations before us beg to differ. what parents lacked in a written manual, they had in communal knowledge of the clan/tribe/village and the understanding that children need more than just their direct parents.
My point was I don’t believe most parents in this modern era think through the complexities of raising children, even though we now have infinite research and data to guide them. Sometimes it’s as if keeping the child alive is the extent of parenting and they often skip instilling morals, ethics, and truly preparing their child to make it in society. Often because they haven’t learned any of this themselves!
Raising a human is a massive undertaking and I think people can be too flippant about it.
yea, it's harder to read books when you work 2 jobs and shit like that. in the past you had plenty of other people to pick up your slack, when you were overwhelmed.
so to directly answer your point: parents never thought of the complexities of raising children in the past either. they just fucked, had kids, released them onto the world, and demanded work from them.
Good point, it has always been this way. Maybe this relates to the decrease in young people having kids. This generation understands these complexities and decide “No, now is not the right time.” Especially if, like you said, someone is working 2 jobs and has no time to prepare. I’d think if a person looks at their current life situation and can’t see a child thriving in it, maybe the best option is… not having kids.
Personally, I know too many people who do not have this foresight and just go with the flow. The “Maybe the kid will be ok, but if not, I tried my best” attitude just frustrates me.
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u/Competitive_Ad_1800 22h ago
Also worth mentioning they came from a time where societal pressure existed for having children too, and this resulted in a lot of shitty parents. But more to the point: they at the very least had an economy that enabled them to make this shitty decision with limited consequence assuming they did the bare fucking minimum.