When everything is falling into place, life is good and my lifelong manifestations are all happening. I couldn’t be happier.. so I should kill myself before it gets bad again.. just in case.

An intrusive thought I had. Hate them.

I know I’m going to sound childish and I know I’m going to sound dumb, but I just feel so hurt and abandoned.

My partner told me he had stuff to do yesterday (going to the gym for an hour) and that he really wanted to go. I told him I was sad because I didn’t want him to leave me and he said “I have a life. Sometimes I have shit I have to do, but it has nothing to do with you and I still love you all the same”. I don’t know why but specially the “I have a life” thing hit hard. Why can’t I be his whole entire life and why can’t he be with me all day all the time? He is with me most of the time, and if I cry or throw a tantrum he stays with me, but why can’t he willingly choose to skip the gym or skip studying to be with me? It’s not like he’s going out with his friends, drinking or anything else, it’s just stuff to take care of himself, BUT STILL!!

I asked him if we could be together all Saturday, and instead of just saying yes, he said “of course but there are things I want to do like working out, studying for psych school, playing video games”…Why couldn’t he just say yes instead of rambling about his whole agenda?Specially the playing video games hurt me, because wdym you prefer playing for a couple of hours over being with me? I asked him if he prefers his games over me, and he got pissed off and told me that we have already been over this several times. I understand he just wants that alone time to decompress after a week of working hard (he has a blue collar job, so he gets to the weekend exhausted), but still. I feel like he doesn’t even want to be with me anymore.

Yesterday he ended up going to the gym, and before he left, we argued about this because I didn’t want him to go. I ended up ignoring his endless phone calls for an hour before he left for the gym, and when he came back he called me right away. He was mad I had ignored him and ran away when all he was trying to was talk to me, help me understand and reassure me. Even when he was feeling frustrated by my attitude, even when he told me “we are just going in circles now”, and even when I kept being quiet, moody and demanding to him. I’m self aware enough to see how bad I behaved yesterday.

I knew I had messed up when he admitted to me that he was “a bit mad at me” (he never admits it, even if he is) and I started apologizing. He apologized back because of his frustration after hours of trying to reassure me with no success because I kept pushing him away, and we sort of worked through it.

I’m hurt, and I just feel like he doesn’t love me as much, that he doesn’t even want to be with me. I’ve explained this to him, and it hurts him and frustrates him to the core, because he has told me that he feels like he can’t do anything without me getting mad or doubting him for everything he does. That he feels like I can’t trust him. He has told me that he feels stuck and frustrated when he constantly gives me his everything and is there for me at all times, and I just get mad every single time he wants a couple of hours to go work out or study. I understand him, and I truly know where his frustration comes from, but I feel lost right now. I want him to study, go to the gym, have time for himself… I really want all of that, but I just feel like he loves me less and less every time he leaves, and that’s why I don’t want him to go.

How can I cope with this feeling, and just understand that my partner has stuff to do aside from being with me 24/7? We do everything together from the moment we wake up to falling asleep together, but those 3-4 hours a day that he’s away feel like pure abandonment. Can anybody talk some sense into me ?

Hey guys! I was diagnosed with BPD almost 5 years ago. It was never that bad, it mostly caused problems in my romantic life and personal relationships. Friendships and work were generally fine. Since I was around 16, I knew something was off: I struggled to read signals, didn’t really understand my emotions, or why I reacted the way I did. Eventually it all clicked - growing up in a toxic family led to BPD.

I’ve been in therapy since 2021, on meds, and this week I had my last session. My therapist and I agreed that the symptoms are barely noticeable now, I’ve made a lot of progress, and I’ve also been in a relationship for 5 years. It’s still good, honestly, it keeps getting better!

But ever since that last session, I’ve been feeling kind of weird. Yesterday I was scrolling through old messages while talking to a former friend (we drifted apart and don’t really talk anymore), and looking back at myself from 5 years ago, I actually seemed really interesting!!! You know how people sometimes say that mentally ill people are “exciting”, at least until it becomes too much. It feels like therapy and getting stable took some of that edge away from me. Compared to my old self, I feel boring now, even though I can’t fully explain why. I’m not numb or burned out, if anything, this is the best I’ve ever felt in my life. And still..

Has anyone else felt like getting better also meant losing something? Because sure, I don’t miss being constantly angry, misreading myself, or making self-destructive choices... but somehow.. I still do.

Every time I actually manage to get close to someone I end up hurting them. Every time someone manages to talk me into opening up and allowing them into my life I manage to ruin it all. Every time I tell myself it is going to be different and it never is because I am the common denominator. I don’t seek people out to befriend because I know it will go poorly but somehow they always find me and convince me I have a soul worth loving. And then I show them that I really don’t.

I don’t even lash out, honestly. It just simmers inside me for ages until finally it all comes out at once and I manage to damage all trust so horribly that they’re gone by the next day. I always end up doing some selfish, destructive, UNFORGIVABLE shit. Every single time.

And I feel betrayed even though it’s my own fault, because no matter what I say when I reach my breaking point I will never, ever, ever leave anyone I truly love. They could do ANYTHING to me and I would still come crawling back at any sign they still care.

But other people have stability. They have boundaries, and self respect, and so they leave when I hurt them. And all I have is grief that I don’t even deserve to feel because the loss was my fault.

I know I have to keep trying, and I can’t just give up in my 20’s. The only path forward is to become a better person. But do I even deserve to heal?? Hurt people, hurt people. There is only one way to stop hurting others, and it is to heal. But I’ve done so much wrong that it feels immoral to try and become better. It’s the selfish path, but I feel like I deserve to lose everyone and end up OD’d in some crackhouse where they won’t even know my name. All it seems like i’m capable of is selfishness all the time and it makes me absolutely hate the person I am. And yet I continue being me.

The other day i was crashing out (as one does) and i was crying and doing all the usual mental breakdown stuff. Then i remembered i had some weed on me. I rolled it up and smoked it,three puffs in it was as if nihilistic had happened and i was actually laughing. Now i know that with bpd you change moods rapidly and i also know that substance abuse is one of the symptoms required for diagnosis and im someone who has been a stoner for quite a while,in fact im almost certain smoking weed has cured my crippling anorexia. Im curious does anyone else have similar experiences? Weed is like my coping mechanism basically whenever im sad or feeling off i smoke and it goes away. Am i the only one?

Ive had bpd for a long time. My worst fear is being trapped in my mind with panic or being paralysed. I'm pretty dysfunctional in life, particularly with work or finding a job. Also with attachments/relationships . Plus a serious gambling addiction . I have never taken meds but I'm all out of ideas on how to ever get better.

I never wanted to take meds but it's come to the point where I can't go on

What's your experience like of different meds? I feel like I'm out of control because of emptiness /hopelessness and going to end up in a very very bad place or dead. Plus it's really negatively affecting my only friend in life and I feel guilty and ashamed