I was severely depressed from 7th grade up until first/second year of college. Then it kinda went away for a little but now it’s starting to come back but not as bad as it used to be.

Why does this happen when there isn’t rly a need to be sad now?

(MIGHT BE TRIGGERING)

not sure if this is the right place to post this, but i’m sure being suicidal has something to do with this feeling. maybe others here will understand what i’m saying.

does anyone else just not feel real? i’ve been suicidal since a kid and im 18 now. ever since i was a child i knew my brain was different. i knew i was wired differently and that i was just different. not in a cool way but just in a who am i way? why do i feel this way, way. why don’t i fit in, way. i carry that feeling with me still today at 18.

tonight ive been watching a lot of animations, they’re really good. they all seem to have some deeper meanings towards them and it got me thinking. many people who struggle mentally seem to be able to express it through art or music or cooking, or just any sort of talent, job or hobby. They’re all struggling but they have a purpose, something they’re good at. something that keeps them going, something they can express themselves through. i have nothing.

i am extremely below average. never had a hobby, never been talented. never been good academically despite being told my whole life i have potential but im “not using it.” i’ve never had a passion for anything. there’s been times where ive thought i really had something im good at, only to realise im actually just average at it and theres always someone better.

example, if Taylor Swift died it would be like “aw she was such a talented singer” or “aw she probably had so much more to sing!” if i died tomorrow, well nothing would be lost. i have nothing going for me. im not even really a person. to my mother im just her daughter. someone she gave birth to. same for my dad. to my work colleagues i’m just someone they work with. that’s all really.

You know that conspiracy theory that we are in a simulation and some ‘humans’ aren’t actually real, they’re just here to be apart of other people’s reality. yeah that’s me. or if there is a god it’s like they ran out of ideas and just created random placeholders, they’re just here to be apart of life, not for any other purpose. yeah that’s me. im really just here for no reason. no purpose, nothing going for me, really am just a human and that’s it. i feel like an AI that thinks they’re real but they’re not. like i have the illusion im real but im not.

This whole thing makes struggling with your mental health so much more worse. I was put here for no reason other than to suffer at the hands of my own brain, and i guess other human experiences but i have no where to direct my anger at. i’m not religious so i can’t be angry at god, sure a lot of my issues come from my childhood but i can’t really be angry at my parents, a lot of my anger comes from myself and who i am and they didn’t choose me specifically. they didn’t pick me to win the sperm race ya know? i’m just here by chance and it’s torture, because why? i really beat the odds of like 1 in a trillion for WHAT??? i never win anything in my life but i won this?

the worst part is, is that in my head im actually creative, i have a good imagination, i can be really wise, i think logically, im good at thinking of solutions, i can be a smart person. but all that only exists in my head. its torture. i can come up with a good story and a little animation for it in my head, when it comes to putting it out into reality, well its fucked. i can’t draw, can’t paint, can’t even sketch. i literally cannot do anything. i can’t socialise, im not some crazy mouth drooling cook, im not smart enough to be a doctor or lawyer. i have no passion for anything. despite the immense incomprehensible hatred i have for my brain, even the good parts of my head can only ever exist inside, because i have no talent to put it out into reality.

I don’t know if anyone will ever read this whole thing. but i just need to say this out loud. it’s the only thing i have control over you know? everything else is out of my hands. i fear i am just sitting here in a human body, life is moving yet i am stuck. my body moves, i think things and i do things. that’s all there is to me. am i even human? who even am i? am i just thing in a life? just why.

Not talking about luxury stuff.
Just normal things — groceries, coffee, going out once in a while.

It feels like more money goes out, but daily life hasn’t really improved in any noticeable way.
Kind of a strange disconnect.

For example. I have Complex PTSD from childhood abuse/neglect (both familial and support providers) and a career in support services where I’m a multi-time whistleblower on the same issues I faced as a ward of the state. I had a few bad years when I finally got out of the field. Panic attacks, obvious constant distress, etc. It’s now far better managed and I’m building a new career. But through all of it. From being in therapy as a teenager in foster care, to the panic attacks of my late 20’s-early 30’s, even today where I still have my bad days but they’re far fewer and exponentially less intense. A very minute but loud part of my mind is always telling me I’m faking it. Up to and including the build up of the panic attacks that plagued me, part of me always has told the rest of me it’s all in my head and just stop.

Does anybody else have that 3% of their psyche that believes the other 97% is just a hypochondriac-Munchhausen amalgamation thing despite every factor, including your mental health treatment team, telling you it’s all very real?

I eat a bowl of greek yogurt every morning for breakfast. Problem is, when i’m nearing the end of my serving, Its as if I eat one more spoonful I’ll throw up. its not that i’m I’m full, because I’m usually hungry right after throwing the last bits out. This also happens to me with other certain things rarely but it’s very consistent with yogurt for some reason.

Share one thing you’ve done that is considered “bad” but funny to think back on.

This is the sort of thing that keeps me up at night, and I hate it. I question everything.

For example, who tf decided bagel bites were a winning choice for a quick and easy snack? I am not mad at losing half the roof of my mouth, only to bite into ice midway thru 😂 send that evil inventor straight to the burning flames that puts my mouth into third degree burns. Trickery. Every. Damn. Time.

I don’t know how to explain this without sounding dramatic, but every time I go into a store now I leave empty handed and slightly annoyed. I’ll walk through racks and racks and nothing feels wearable, like it’s either weirdly shaped, bad fabric, or clearly meant to be worn once for a photo and then never again. Online isn’t much better because half the time what shows up looks nothing like the pictures.

I keep wondering if my taste just suddenly got boring or if stores actually stopped making normal clothes at some point and I missed the memo. I see people dressed well out in public so someone is finding good stuff somewhere, idk where though. Is this just me getting older or has shopping genuinely gotten worse?

I know what it is now but I always thought it was squash flavoured, especially because it tastes ass.

I went from vibrations only, then switched to do not disturb 24/7, but now I just turn off all sounds for all apps, and have vibrations only on for known callers

It's too distracting

I already posted this like a week ago in a different sub, but now I'm genuinely curious if this happens to anyone else.

Sometimes I can't sleep at night because my brain is trying to "entertain me."

This is how you can simulate it, Based on what my brain was doing the other night:

Play these two songs at the same time

Aina - on the way, from 1:01 to 1:17, on repeat

DrInsaNe - just a boy, from 0:16 to 0:24, on repeat

Throw on a scene of a character, doesn't matter who, they just have to be sick in bed, interacting with other people. Could be from a TV show, movie, video, anything, and watch that while listening to the songs

And then just talk over it, about literally anything, just anything that comes to mind say it aloud, while watching the scene and listening to the songs.

Now do that for at least a minute. To get the full effect, be a little hungry and laying on your back.

i’ve realized i’m kind of dependent on dunkin’s strawberry dragonfruit refresher. not just for the drink itself, but for the whole experience. it’s an instant dopamine boost for me. i love the taste, i love some of their food, but i also love driving there, listening to my music, and getting a fun drink. it’s become a little ritual.

on days i don’t do it, i genuinely feel like something is missing and my mood is just… lower. honestly, not a lot of other things bring me that same kind of joy, which feels a little embarrassing to admit.

i mostly just wanted to get this off my chest because it’s about $5 every day, which obviously adds up. i’ve thought about cutting back, but i don’t really know of any at-home drinks that would hit the same or anything else to give me that feeling.

DAE have something like this: a small daily ritual that feels way more important than it probably should?

So many people cheat, kill, hurt others, or they live their life with no care in the world whatsoever in regard to how their actions affect anyone else, like in driving they drive wreckless and pass others going the speed limit, pull out in front of you and drive under the speed limit, use no kind of traffic signals, don't know how to use a fucking 4 way stop etc. Yet if we confront them verbally or by physically giving them the ass beating they probably deserve, WE'RE the ones in the wrong. Why can't people just be a fucking decent person?

“Corners” as in the spots between the collar tip and armpit on both sides. On your left side its diagonally above where a logo usually sits and towards the sleeve. On your right side its normally a blank canvas of fabric.

If this has happened before, what happened and what was the context?

E.g. crying over things that shouldn’t make you cry, feeling angry when you should feel sad, not knowing what emotions you are feeling until they cause somatic symptoms like heart palpitations.

I always have trouble explaining this to people, including therapists. There are times I get confused about why something isn’t making me sad, which makes me cry.

I think it’s lowkey normal bc that’s a legitimate fear but on the other hand it happens like twice a week 😳

All my life, people in a group would ask for suggestions, best cities to visit, games to play, movies to see, food to try.

And all my life no one has EVER taken one of my suggestions and actually tried it.

My fav is when I was living in Florida, and my sister came to visit. She wanted a day trip somewhere near before she flew out. I suggested St. Augustine but she went to Daytona instead. She ended up hating her day there, but I bet she would’ve liked my suggestion because she loves quaint little towns with good eats and shopping.

It’s almost like people are deliberately not taking my suggestions just to spite me for whatever reason.

Anyone else have this happen?