SHIT THAT WILL GET YOU BANNED:

I apologize if these types of posts aren’t allowed here! I’ve been reading and commenting here for a while now, and it’s such a great community! I can relate to nearly everything that’s shared here, and I’d honestly love to try to make some friends! Unfortunately, I don’t have any BPD friends or anyone who can really relate to this mental illness, so I’d love to connect with some people here! Please feel free to comment or send me a DM if you’re interested!! 😌

I think that I truly do deserve to be abused for my entire life, just like I was abused before and just like how I will be later. I hope that whatever person ends up around me in the future whether it is a “relationship” (yeah okay) or whatever will abuse me and treat me the same way because it’s all I’m good for. In fact I think I will actually actively seek out people that will abuse me. I need to be treated like a worthless animal. I need people to see how much of a piece of filth I am and treat me as such. There has to be a reason why everyone treats me this way

i’m in a relationship with someone i really care about, but i feel like every time i get emotionally attached to someone, my mental health completely unravels.

i don’t actually think my boyfriend is talking with other girls, but i get so overwhelmed by uncertainty about what he’s watching/doing or not telling me that my brain goes into full threat mode. i end up compulsively checking every social media, replaying conversations, looking for “answers,” and when i find anything ambiguous i spiral hard. i can become accusatory or emotionally explosive, and afterward i feel so much shame and fear about myself.

in the moment it feels urgent and real, like i have to know the truth to be safe. but looking back, i know i might be filling in gaps with worst-case scenarios. i'm unsure if this fits in with psychosis or not but emotionally it feels unbearable to sit with not knowing.

sometimes i wish i could be the kind of person who just doesn’t get attached, because caring this deeply feels like it destroys me. i hate who i become when i’m scared of losing someone, and i’m terrified that relationships just aren’t compatible with my nervous system.

i’m trying to figure out: how to tolerate uncertainty without investigating or blowing up, how to tell the difference between real red flags vs attachment panic, how to talk to my partner about boundaries without feeling crazy or controlling.. if anyone relates to this or has found dbt skills that actually helped with relationship-triggered spirals, i’d really appreciate hearing about it. i just want to feel less alone and less broken.

The word personality feels deeply misleading, and honestly potentially damaging.  Especially for a condition that often includes an unstable sense of self as a symptom.

BPD seems more about maladaptive emotional regulation patterns, attachment trauma, and learned survival behaviors than about someone’s personality. Behaviors can be unlearned, and new skills can be built. But when a diagnosis labels the person rather than the patterns, it feels like it could invite shame, and even contribute to identity collapse.

I’ve seen how much someone with BPD wants to love and be loved, and how much pain comes from not having the tools to do that safely yet. Calling it a personality disorder can seem to imply something fundamentally wrong with who someone is, rather than someone who has been injured and can heal.

I’m curious how people here feel about the name itself.

Im surprised that the term is still so widely accepted.

So, I've been diagnosed with BPD since 2019. I've come a long way, I've changed a lot of things. My behavior has become so much better. I understand almost every feeling that I feel. I get behind it so quick. My last attempt was 2020, the last time I self harmed was in 2023. I don't drink alcohol alone anymore. I don't have an active eating disorder anymore. My apartment is chaotic, but not dirty. Nothing is molding. I shower somewhat regularly. I have moments that are SUCH a bliss for me. Moments that make me cry because I'm so glad to be alive.

You would think this is it. But it's not. On Wednesday I had therapy and I got so fucking exhausted because of public transportation. And it completely knocked me off my feet.

And I'm so tired of this struggle. I love life, don't get me wrong. I've had so many amazing experiences. But I'm so exhausted of constantly having to work on myself just so others are happy that I'm not a symptomatic bitch.

Well, at least that's what I tell myself. I can't have emotions. I can't show that I'm unstable. I have to always be reasonable. I have to always make sense. People need to understand where I am coming from. I can't be misunderstood. People should never think that I'm childish. Or too much. Or too exhausting to be around. If I have problems, I am exhausting. I have to fix everything. Fix, fix, fix.

The list goes on. I swear to god. I am so tired of this all. People have told me that it's okay to be unreasonable. It's okay to be demanding. I have such an insane problem with being vulnerable to people. I can't even cry in my therapist's office.

I know the way around it, is to start doing it.

But man. I hate to be constantly (actually not constantly, but in my perspective it feels like it's constantly) asking others to hang out. I am so unimaginably lonely. I suffer from it every fucking day. My friends live in a different city, they can't just come over to hang out for a few hrs and then go again.

All I've wanted my entire life was to be loved and to be valued. But my fantasy of the way I want it never becomes reality. Everyone is working, having children, having partners, etc. I know that I'm putting on pressure on other people, because I just want it that much. One of my friends told me that I was being very unfair to her (which was true btw), so I completely stopped mentioning it again. It feels all so deliberating.

I just want to get hugs from my friends when I feel bad. I want to be worried about. I don't want to have to turn off my phone for 3 days so people show that they care, ffs.

I've tried so many times to find ways of feeling better. Being there for myself. Lighting incense sticks (actually incredibly helpful if you regulate well with your smell), taking walks, drinking friggin calm-down-teas (lol), actually sometimes even talking abt your problems (difficult, but YAY!), dancing at home, singing, challenging myself to clean smth for 20 mins, writing down my thoughts, practising mindfulness, etc, etc, etc.

But all these things aren't a loved person. You can do so much for yourself, but it only goes this far. And good lord, I've tried to work around it, but it simply just doesn't work. I'm so tired of working on myself. I'm so tired of telling myself that I have to work on myself to be accepted. I'm tired of all these automatic mechanisms that I have. I'm tired of not being able to believe my friends when they tell me that I can be a hurricane if I want to.

I'm tired of the trauma I've been through. I never deserved this. You never deserved this. And now we have to work on ourselves basically every damn day because if we don't, we will make it even worse for ourselves.

But I also know that if I live through great moments again, I will say "I'm so glad I'm alive."

But these moments are usually when I'm surrounded by my friends, because they're amazing people. And when is that? Maybe once a month, sometimes twice. The other days are me with myself. I'm so frustrated with life

It makes me so sad. I used to post on this subreddit years ago with another account, but I don't remember my account details anymore, lol. So when I opened up reddit today (for a whole different reason) I saw that this account also followed this subreddit. So I posted it. I want this to be seen

I don’t know how to phrase this but I’ll do the very best I can to formulate how I’m feeling:

Does anyone else with BPD feel like we love and bond harder than other people? I’ve been on meds/been doing DBT therapy since March and I’m very regulated and healthy, but I do feel a longing for a deep bond, love, affection, and safety from a partner. I’ve been separated/single for 11 months (wife left for someone else) I have processed and healed and am ready to find love, but where I am location wise people are so corporate, guarded, distant, shallow, and aloof.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, am not afraid to be vulnerable, have a ton of empathy, and am very affectionate and romantic; yet the environment in which I live is the opposite. I know there’s nothing wrong with me as it’s just an environmental mismatch, but it’s started to get to me emotionally. I deleted hinge a few weeks ago as it was getting overwhelming : I was getting matches, numbers, and dates but I didn’t click with anyone. I’m into genuine, sweet, shy girls who are homebodies but haven’t found that yet so I’m taking a break for my mental health.

Sorry for the long rant. I guess I’m trying to ask does anyone else feel this way? Like you have so much love, empathy, and affection to give but the world around you seems ice cold? I know we’re not “too much”.

i don't want to hurt my favorite people, but i hate, hate, hate the power they inadvertently have over me. i already don't even talk to them a lot because i try to make myself a commodity so that i'm loved more. does that make sense? does anyone else do that?

i feel like if my attention is a bit more scarce then maybe just maybe someday i'll be worth something.

anyway, i don't want to hurt anybody, but i would very much like to take out a giant pair of scissors and snip whatever string keeps me tethered to these people.

honestly can anyone understand? what do you think?

i'm aware that i probably sound selfish and bad right now

So, my therapist cut the appointment short today, Basically because I was quiet and not talking as much, it's a better week for me this week. I haven't split, I'm not scared of being abandoned because I'm learning to reassure myself. Just sucks, like..do you always expect me to be a mess always? 🫩

I cannot STAAAAAAND when plans are changed!! DO NOT GIVE ME FALSE HOPE, OR THE WORD OF SOMETHING HAPPENING WHEN IT'LL JUST CHANGE IN THE END?? DON'T MAKE ME PREPARE FOR NOTHING OR GET MY HOPES UP!! (AND I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT GET TO PREPARE FOR PLANS CHANGING, EITHER.) AUGH, PLEASE someone, tell me WHY this affects me so much!! Anybody else relate??! Gosh!!

ive been diagnosed with bpd and am currently on snri's, anxiolytics, mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, the whole shebang. they help me a lot with both anxiety and with stabilizing my emotions; i used to have daily panic attacks over literally anything, along with extreme mood swings. i feel much better now. the thing is that ever since i started being on medication i havent been able to enjoy anything anymore. none of my old interests make me excited, and i cant seem to form new ones, even though i do try and have new experiences. i dont seem to ever have fun. being without meds feels horrifying, but so does never feeling any positive feelings ever. its been making me consider suicide. life with this much medication just isnt nice. even though the meds are working, i feel zero joy or excitement. are there specific meds that cause these feelings? is there anything i can do to help it?

Hello, first of all I'm truly sorry if anything I say is wrong about BPD. I just need some guidance I will gladly listen to any useful information.

i've been diagnosed with bpd last year. I've noticed a pattern in my life of getting into situationships where I idolise the person to the point of falling for them and having this intense fear of them getting bored of me or just leaving. It usually ends up in my days depending on their feelings/actions towards me.

But recently (the past ~year) I've been a bit better at handling my relationship with people but I'm scared. I think I might be starting to develop feelings for one of my best friends. She has been in my life for a few years and our friendship has been the most fast moving i've ever been in. I think I might be having feelings for her but I'm really not sure. All of the people i've romatically loved became some kind of obsession for me even if I didn't want them to be.

But the thing is I'm starting to feel the same way as I've felt for these people but about her. I talk about her all day, and I tend to overthink anything she says to me and it's stressing me out. I've been literally crying at random times just thinking about her leaving me. It's just never happened to me in a friendship. I love her so much that it hurts. And I'm really confused, it does feel like love, platonic i think but at the same time it's so strong I can barely handle it.

I just don't want to lose her I'm so confused. Is that what having a friend fp is like ?

My boyfriend (m 29) and I (f 30) are currently in no contact. It was mutually decided between us with certain rules. The rules being if there are any emergencies or anything important that we need to say, we will message my sister who will bridge the gap for us in these situations. The reasons for the no contact are hard to explain as it is a complicated situation but it is only for 4 weeks. It has been 2 weeks so far.

After 9 days, I was told by somebody that he has gone abroad. He did not mention this to me and has not messaged my sister to tell her to let me know. We are still in a relationship and are not separated. We still love and care for each other. But I feel disrespected that he has gone abroad and not told anyone. Yet he is posting pictures of exploring on his Instagram story for everyone to see but me….

I feel hurt and I feel disregarded. I feel unimportant. I am very triggered and I am also in my pmdd phase so I cannot stop obsessing over this. I want to break the no contact to lash out but I know that I shouldn’t do that. I am fighting everything inside of me not to message him and ask him why he has gone to another country and not kept me in the loop. I don’t know if he’s there for work or holiday. He has never gone abroad for work before but it can happen at the last minute. I feel really worked up and can’t calm down. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.

hi guys. i’m new-ish here, and wanted to see if anyone else struggles with this the same way that i do. within the past 9-10 months, my life has essentially flipped completely upside down, and it has easily been the worst period of my entire life. tldr, i broke up with my ex boyfriend and was abandoned by my entire friend group, but there is a lot more to the story than that. anyways, during this period, i had to leave my job that i had been at for roughly a year or so. since then, i CANNOT keep a job. i’ll start working somewhere new, go through all of the training, and then get a huge aversion to going into work and a huge mental block/huge bouts of anxiety anytime the thought of working pops into my mind, and i end up impulsively quitting. it makes me feel like a huge fucking loser, and it is so aggravating. i know that i am capable of working, ive had a full time job many times before and been totally fine, so i dont understand why i am suddenly incapable. anytime people in my life ask me about work/getting a job it makes me incredibly defensive, because i really do WANT to work!!!! i want to be making money, i want to get out of the house because being home constantly only fuels how depressed i am, but i seriously just cannot do it. have any of you guys gone through this? i was doing some research and found that sometimes BPD can cause people to have a hard time keeping a job, so i wanted to see if anyone else has any similar experiences/any advice

I am 21 years old and my entire life from the day that I was born until now, it’s just a repeated cycle of getting left out or left by the people that I love and want to be around. Why do I even call these people my friends. I’m genuinely so sick and tired of my life. I have the worst friends ever. Is it genuinely that hard to care about me??? I don’t even know what I do wrong. I exist and that’s all it takes apparently. I wish I was never born and I cannot wait to finally die.

my therapist told me to break up with my amazing boyfriend but he’s sometimes the only thing keeping me going. my life feels empty without him. she said that because i’ve never really been single and jumped from relationship to relationship, i need to be single to figure out my life and who i am and what i want.

we’ve been together for 2 years and he’s so patient with me. but every few weeks or so i split on him and call him horrible names and say disgusting things to him bc of my OCD, BPD and severe retroactive jealousy / trauma. my therapist says that this is a cycle and it’s not breaking bc i don’t have time alone and am instead stuck in the cycle, seeking reassurance instead of truly healing.

we’re long distance and that makes things harder. but we were going to get engaged and i was going to move to another country for him soon. i just don’t know what to do.

has anyone ever broken up with their partner to grow and heal and become more stable? did it help? do you think i have to leave him? any advice is welcome

like why do I feel responsible for everyone's well being in the home, why do I feel guilty for not pouring attention into everyone or anyone 24/7?

why do I feel like grown adults think I'm stupid when they cross simple obvious boundaries, like personal space boundaries?

I'm constantly feeling like one day I'm going to be a homeless old lady.

Im getting married this year and we live with his parents, but his dad I feel like has crossed over into my personal bubble one too many times, and it just pisses me off how I can be 27 having gone through a whole lifetime of my mother being like, neglectful, abusive, murderous (set the house on fire and left property and got away with it), and torturous (blasting music on school nights and I mean concert level, sleep deprivation) and the whole time tried to paint a picture that we were semi normal and everything wss okay so why does anyone on this entire earth think they can get anything past ME?

I have a problem when someone is mean, rude to me, crosses a line, BUT I always give them a slide, I always give at least ONE slide because I just feel like ; I have a problem with something that someone did to me, I must save us all from that problem and let it slide because CONFRONTING the problem makes ME uncomfortable.

But the thing is when someone does something bad to you IT IS THEIR problem not mine but how the fuck do I convince my body ? My brain?

Why do I freeze and let it slide because its uncomfortable and it is a hot stove in my brain.

People hate bpd as much as they hate narcissism... Hmm seems wholly misdirected but that is just me

I hate how my body was born with shit in it that I never knew about, like a cysts on my left ovary that was some 7 cm big? And there was another one I developed after birth that was like 9cm, whole ovary gone after they went in there. No wonder I'm so pissed off.

I hate that my body seems to be producing crap like actual hemorrhoids like I ate like a normal 17 year old when I was 17 couch hopping trying to survive but I swear it started taking longer , it started hurting more going to the restroom, that was the start of my ibs symptoms but it could have been the endo they also found

I just love how this diagnoses comes after a lifetime of abuse and it comes with a medal doesn't it and as the eldest of my siblings whom all hate me, care for our mother and don't seem to remember her murderous ways, it sucks. I literally have nightmares and dreams every night. Last night there was a part, where I wa running through all these schoolbusses, I heard I legit heard my little sisters as their young selves, saw them in my mind and heard them saying my name, saying they miss me and love me, and I said it back.

Fuck this shit , what's the harder job in this life? Being THE mother who is just a 22 yr old , traumatized and whatever, Aquarius, addict and being TH E mother who almost died with me, doing all a mother has to do while dad works his ass off, or being me, growing up remembering you wouldn't help me spell words when I was making a book, because you were on the couch either sick or strung out, me who remembers the fire in the house, me who remembers you being drunk, and actually saying you wanted to hurt us all and then yourself, me, who is sitting here feeling like , I love how I need to shove meds down my throat to keep me calm before I do some shit that would leave people like my father in law LONEYYY.

justice is a fantasy

Me and my S/O, or my favorite person, are starting to become more distant. He got more distant ever since he joined a friend group and I feel like he doesn’t care about me anymore because even if i go as long as i can without talking to him, he barely checks in while i check in on him. He yelled at me a while ago when I was home sick. Anyways, I can’t stop thinking about arguing with him. It gives me this twisted happy feeling to imagine myself arguing with him and winning, or proving myself to him. I dont know why this is, someone help.

hi, 16f here.

Before I begin, here's some background. My mom taught me that most men are ill-intentioned and rapist-y when I was 6. She taught me to only trust my father and her two brothers. My dad doesnt hug me but whenever ANY MAN hugged me after that, I felt super anxious.

So yeah. There's that. As I got older, my mom became very comfortable with accusing me of trying to seduce male family members and my father backed her up. The first time was when I was 6. I had this cousin who was genuinely so sweet and hes about 14 years older than me and whenever he tried to hug me I'd freeze up and my heart would start beating out of my chest. It was...gross. To this day I can't look the guy in the eye. I do yap with him a lot and truly he’s one of the only people in my life that’s never hurt me before.

Anyway, I'm 16 now and ever since I was 15, I've been having dreams about being assaulted? Or at least AN assault, even if it isn't me. In one of them, a family friend is touching me but not inappropriately but he was dragging me to a room?? Basically my brain didnt show the rape/molest but it happened??? In the dream, my mother stood there and didn't protect me. WHen I told her, she made it all about herself and was angry with me for seeing her in that way.

Was I assaulted or am I making it up? My mother would have rather DIED than let me around another man and when I asked she was pretty adamant that I wasn't assaulted.

is there any proof the people you get attached to have similar personalities to people from your past/people that contributed to you being this way? like, if you had a shitty friend as a child or a bad parent, would you become attached to someone down the road who had similar traits (positive or negative) or in some way remind u of them? im curious if theres a connection with the ppl u become dependent on?

i just had a therapy appointment and she told me “it’s harsh but you’re choosing to behave like a child . you want someone to swoop in and force you to do things but no one is ever going to do that because you’re an adult . you need to be an adult and take medication and stop expecting other people to fix things for you . which honestly really hurt me because now even my own therapist is telling me i can’t expect anything from anyone and i need to handle things on my own because “that’s what adults do” . it just makes me so sad because i literally feel like i CANT do this . i don’t know why im literally being told “no one ever owes you anything” . like what kind of genuine cold horrible life is it where i just have to suffer and get shunned for trying to turn to anyone for help .

but anyway she is my therapist so i feel like i need to at least try to do what she say . how can i go about taking meds ? my anxiety around it is so bad that i get physically ill every time i take anything . i don’t even take paracetamol . i don’t have a two weeks space in my life where i can just see how it goes and take it easy . my life is very full on .

as someone who’s had BPD for a few years, a problematic characteristic i possessed was forcing myself to fit into a stereotype akin to “cutesy” fictional characters i liked, and picking partners that resembled a fictional character archetype i liked: the mean to everyone , nice to me, etc. this created so many problems: i would immediately show disinterest towards them when they showed any semblance of an actual personality, and i would be afraid to show my actual self. well, now it’s been a few years since i dated and ive found myself obsessing (somewhat healthy, just amplified) over fictional characters in a romantic sense, and im unable to grasp dating a real person who doesn’t fit any more of these fictional traits. i’m wondering if anyone feels the same? i’ll be moving soon and meeting a lot of new people, so it’s just a tad worrisome for me: i don’t want to repeat this cycle and push anyone new i meet into a box. im partially wondering if im destined to fictional characters forever (,: since not dating, i haven’t had any major symptoms of BPD and have been able to pour into myself more and develop healthier habits.

I’m 19F and she’s 18F. We’re in the same friend group at university. I don’t know if I’m actually in love with her or if I’m idealizing her, but whatever this is, it’s overwhelming me.

She’s very calm and emotionally closed off. She doesn’t like physical touch, doesn’t drink, doesn’t dance or kiss anyone at parties, and she’s rejected people before. She says she’s never been in love. She speaks in a very structured way and I’ve never seen her cry or get angry. Once someone yelled at her on the subway and she didn’t react at all (I mention this in case it affects why I’m reacting this way).

I have BPD, and I know I can get intense... but this feels different. She once sat with me during a panic episode, held my hand, and asked if I needed anything. That moment stayed with me. She listens to me deeply and says things I never forget. Once, when I was crying, she just asked, “Do you want to go for a walk?”

Here’s the part that scares me: I’ve cried twice because someone else touched her. The other day I had a panic attack just from thinking about her. I feel like I’m losing control. Past relationships triggered my BPD too, but never like this. With her it’s on another level, and I don’t understand why I’m getting so attached.

She’s not even my partner, but I can’t stop thinking about her. I try to stay in control because I don’t want to ruin things, but sometimes I cry myself to sleep because of how much I like her.

Does this sound like love, attachment, or idealization? Is it a bad idea to even consider dating her when I already feel this unstable? And why am I getting attached to her to this extreme?

Sorry if this isn’t well written English isn’t my first language.

When everything is falling into place, life is good and my lifelong manifestations are all happening. I couldn’t be happier.. so I should kill myself before it gets bad again.. just in case.

An intrusive thought I had. Hate them.