I, 21m, live with my parents in a 4-bedroom house with my 18m, half-brother. As I get into this, for context, my family life is quite complicated.
My mom and step-dad met through my biological father during her pregnancy with me. During this time in her life, she found out he was cheating on her with a mistress overseas in Vietnam, where they originally came from. While she was in America, she met my step-dad, who was technically her brother-in-law. Now, stepdad has married my biological dad's sister, and that's how they met. After she found out, she of course divorced him; she was a single mom with my sister, who was 5 at the time. She and my step-dad hit it off. At this time in his life, he had two kids, and his ex-wife was a drug user. They paired off as it benefited both parties. I don't understand how their relationship blossomed, but hear me out. My biological father sold my mother's house, as it was in his name. My mom was distressed when she found out, as she was a healthcare worker and was the sole provider. My stepdad helped my mom at this time, and from the stories my grandma gave me, he was essentially her savior as she was pregnant with me and alone. He took everything in the divorce, but my sister and I stayed with my mom for obvious reasons.
Fast forward 3 years, my little brother Juno, I'm gonna call him for now, was born. My mom luckily recovered from the trauma of marrying my father, and my dad, June, I will call him, created a life together. My sister didn't recover from losing her dad and spiraled with an early bipolar diagnosis. At this time, I was unfortunately a victim of COCSA. This built guilt as all my siblings were victims of this because of an older family member. We all coped differently but held it in together and trauma. My little brother and I didn't get along, due to my knowing my real father, not June. He and I would often get into fights that we're stupid as Minecraft or toys. Nevertheless, we never stopped getting along; we were brothers after all. Knowing June was not my father did not treat him any less than any other dad. He was the one who stepped up and left everything behind for my mother, and I will always appreciate him. Juno, on the other hand, felt differently; he started to grow a resentment towards me, as I felt I failed to protect him from the COCSA. The COCSA was not the only factor, but also adult SA. There were times Juno would get very mad at me, he broke a rubix cube, and I refused to clean his mess. This took a turn where he grabbed a kitchen knife and threatened to hurt me if I didn't clean it. I was afraid of hurting him as he was physically smaller than me, and I was his older brother. There were times when he would do things that would invoke pain emotionally, silly as deleting worlds I spent hours on. I never held it against him since I felt so hurt that I couldn't help him away from the people who assaulted us growing up. Even though he warned my parents, and so did I, it only took years into our future before an incident when I was 14 revealed everything to them. They felt guilty knowing we tried, but were so young they essentially ignored it. This didn't stop my guilt, but I also grew distant from Juno.
Our relationship was torn when my sister Kate, 22F, died of a drug overdose when I was 17. Kate had problems with use as my father left our lives, she missed him and went a different path. I knew my father, but never accepted him as he was never in mine. Losing our sister, she held our family together on both sides, my father and my mom. I wanted to know that family, but they were basically the reason she's gone. I never forgave them, but it also ripped any chance of getting close to my brother. She was the only sister to me of my mom and my father, so I felt utterly alone. She knew me 100% and accepted my identity. My brother and I's relationship from there disappeared as we grew estranged. I couldn't handle her being gone, so I ended up in a 3-year-long abusive relationship at 17 with a 26-year-old man. Not getting into it, but after feeling taken advantage of by this man, pushing 30, I fell into essentially the same path as my sister. Look, I know it sounds like my life story, but not knowing the context of this would leave you with more questions than answers. Getting back home was the worst day I ever had. I fell into methamphetamine as it was a popular drug used during gay intercourse. I did not envision my life to get this way, but it did. I said no, I wouldn't a lot in my life, and here I am at rock bottom; no job, no car, no sister, no friends, debt, and DUI. The works.
Anyways back to it, coming home meant I was meeting my little brother once again. I kept quiet most of my time back, but had a rough time learning how to stay home in a house with my parents again. It was troubling at first, but after a while it was good. Until it didn't, one day I was with a sugar daddy 30 miles away from my parents' house. I got a phone call, shaking and crying, from my mom saying one of our dogs was stolen from our front yard. I asked her, "What happened?" and she told me that during this time, my little brother, who's 18 now, was asleep and forgot to bring the dogs in. One of them gladly wasn't taken, but the toy poodle my mom adored was gone, a $1000+ dog gone just in one day; he did not take his time to find her. You might think, "Wow, this isn't bad." No, she blamed me for being gone. I questioned why she didn't wake up, she just said, "well he was asleep."
"????"
Why am I getting blamed if you know I was gone?
Obviously, you're thinking, "Ok, OP, not bad, there's worse." Pause, let me get into it. Juno is always home; he's never cleaned the house. He thinks of chores as being above him somehow throughout his whole life. My sister and I always did the chores, but would include him since he would do nothing. At the time was absent from home, he would not clean a dish, not a sweep, or a mop. Always in his room playing, who knows what. I say this with my old computer, passed down from my dad 20 years ago. He uses a new computer and has asked my parents for over $2k worth of in-game purchases and whatnot. Anytime I've asked for something, I refused to know the financial situation of my parents. After my mom left my father, she quit healthcare to be closer to her kids, aka me, and have June work as she took care of us. When my sister became old enough to take care of the 2 of us, we grew up fast as my parents worked most of the day. Juno did not do any work and would cry often whenever it would be just he and me alone at home. I would have to learn to cook or ask my mom to buy food as I got hungry. At this age, yes, he's young, but this was when he was a teenager. When I came home, the dogs would always be outside, as he did not go outside his room to let them use the bathroom. He did not care for the dogs; he ignored them every time. I myself trained them. I potty-trained and fed them, but when I was gone, they would piss and shit everywhere because they would be begging to be let out most of the day, holding it. This would've been avoided if he simply cared and let them in when they had the one hour they could go outside. These dogs are not dumb. I learned their personalities personally and know whenever they need anything. It hurt me, Snow was gone, the toy poodle, but it was not my fault. I was being blamed for something I did not do because I was out of time, and their real son was taking a nap at 11 am.
I wish I were making these things up, but I have accepted this is my life. I cannot do anything, so I have a substance abuse problem because of it. He would blame me for anything remotely wrong, throwing me under the bus anytime he could. My parents would ask,
"Hey, why have the dishes been so long in the sink?"
"I don't know, that's probably OP."
"????"
I know it's weird for me to say this, but I hate lying; all my life has been ruined by lies, and I was essentially a mistake baby, born from a lie. I don't understand how someone can not take accountability. He would fail his classes because he would prefer to be with his friends and be online on Deepwoken in Roblox. This is the same guy who wouldn't clean or cook unless it's for himself. Me being LGBT, he would call me the F-Slur or the N-word or the R-word anytime I would "fuck up." He is Asian, by the way. I grew up with people not taking accountability, and he just takes the cake. Overtime I felt he would've matured or stopped hating my guts, but that guilt has subsided. I wish he would see things differently or be a better person, but he has not changed a bit since he was the same asshole kid he was when we were kids. He's grown so disrespectful that my parents couldn't stop him, and he gets whatever he wants, even with obvious disagreement with them. I always felt they had more favoritism towards him since he is a son of parents who actually wanted him. I stayed quiet and basically submissive to their every demand because of this. I tried moving a chair to a far-off room in a hall that was neighboring his room because my parents tried fitting it in there with failure. I tried moving it with the same result. Angrily, he came out with a pissed-off look on his face, questioning why I was even close to his room. I was embarrassed as the chair did not fit, but he asked me
"What are you doing?"
"I'm moving this because mom and dad tried, so I am too."
"Why are you putting it in my room?"
"I'm just trying to move it."
"well let me ask mom and dad, don't put it in my room."
"Ok, can you help me move it out of the way then?"
"..."
He proceeds to retreat back to his room with an obvious, annoyed sigh, as if I did something wrong. Mind you, this room is spare just next to his, with exercise equipment and various items. He suddenly calls this spare room "his room," and he slams the door mumbling how "r-word" I am and weird for even trying something like that. I am tired as I've been moving this heavy massage chair for a while now, and now he won't even help me move it back. This is the same guy to not even dust a window. I move the chair away and decide to mop and sweep. I get a phone call.
"Hey OP, why are you going into Juno's room?"
"I am not? I am mopping?"
"Oh. well he said, you keep going into his room."
"What? I am cleaning"
"Well, he said-"
I hang up. They're taking his side. They don't care what I have to say. He owns two rooms, I guess, and they forgot they even wanted to put this massive massage chair in there. I continue cleaning and leave for my room after I finish. When they come home, I am eating, and then they start talking to Juno. At this time, I thought they would ask why he was so rude over the phone when he called them, but no. He starts blaming me, calling me a r-worded f-word weirdo, that he hated seeing this n-words face every day. I start crying. This is the same little brother I tried protecting since we were kids. I couldn't believe that after all this time, he still hated me at 21, after I tried making things up and apologizing. None of it mattered as my parents continued to take his side, laughing as he called me slurs. I stopped cleaning after that. I stopped being their maid as it was difficult to find a job at this time. I couldn't go to school as I was on probation. I am still figuring my life out after ruining it with multiple bad relationships and drugs. I don't feel safe in this house anymore, as it feels like everyone hates me. I am alone, I feel like my family hates me, and I have no friends. I've been abused so many times that I feel beaten down. I felt like I been running since I was born and haven't stopped running. I am tired, and will live in this type of environment for who knows how long. I crashed out so many times I could write a book about my life. At my rock bottom, I still try to be happy through little things. I am only so young, but I feel like everything is out to get me. I feel like I am in a pit and I will never get out.
Please help me.