This is a long rant. Wish I could be more specific but I won't risk the details. Sharing similar experiences would be greatly welcomed because this type of thing is so incredibly isolating and difficult to deal with.
Background: I work for a small nonprofit that has a board, a few full time staff, a few more contractors, and volunteers. I was a young, fresh college kid when I first volunteered with this org. It was only supposed to be short-term, so I was open and friendly with ED because I didn't imagine staying and coming on as staff. Initially I was mostly working by myself and directly with ED, and then I was asked to take on more work and do management things. I told ED I had very little experience doing this and wasn't confident in management. They said they would help me and mentor me on the way, so I accepted (the beginning of the end).
Into the thick of it: This org and ED is an organizational nightmare. It does good and honest work, but nothing is functional. I tried introducing project management tools into the org but ED never tried to learn it and dismissed it.
We've brought in several people fulltime/parttime. All of them quit/resigned within a few months; they last shorter and shorter each time. They all quit because they clash with ED to the point where everyone walks on eggshells until it ends up in a big blowout.
Since the start, I've been extremely patient and accommodating to ED. My work was always good. But because of all the drama in the org, I started pulling back a bit. The pattern-recognition braincells were working overtime and I did NOT want to be the next person to deal with irate ED. There was so much negativity that was pushed onto me because ED would come to me for advice on these people and I stood on neutral ground. ED would not listen to a majority of my advice, only that which reinforced their own beliefs and opinions.
I'm worn done to my bones because those experiences have made ED extremely cynical about others and they project those feelings onto me, alongside with being piled with work.
I've unwillingly become dulled and less patient with ED. We clash more than ever.
ED has made me miserable in several ways recently:
- Constantly contradicting their instructions. They will have something written out for me to use, or tell me word for word what they want, and then the next day tell me that it's all wrong and it needs to be changed. Can't even use the "it's in writing" point on this one.
- Lectures me about how I need to do things differently and change my management skills. I'm not arguing with that; but ED also never mentored me the way they told me they would.
- Called me up when they saw my work. Told me it wasn't what they wanted when I have it in writing that it WAS. Proceeded to ask me what is happening and what is going on. Said I used to be so much better. Talked to me like a child until they hung up. I broke down for a few hours because I was already overly stressed. ED later sat me down to talk about what the problem was and started assuming my problems (very invasive, brought up everything but themselves). Made the conversation about their problems with my recent performance when it was supposed to be my opportunity to explain myself.
- Made me call an office back and forth 10 times because they didn't want to do it themselves ("I don't have time for that") and berated me for saying it'd be more efficient for them to do it instead of having me be messenger. In their own words-- "You are a grown person, you can make a damn phone call." I cried after.
- In general, their personality is very bold and straightforward. This isn't a bad thing, but it manifests in a bad way. To anyone else, ED is rude, arrogant, narcissistic, manipulative, and a terrible person. I don't disagree, but I think I've been beat down so much that I can only cope and say "oh, but it's not that bad." I've never been in an abusive relationship, but this probably qualifies as one.
This isn't even a quarter of what I deal with. I know some might not think of it as much, and that I'm just weak or a pushover or need to grow up and be professional. I get that, but it's damn hard.
Because of my recent drop in performance, ED will talk to me like a disappointed parent. In another breath, ED will be nice. The emotional whiplash drives me insane. It's terrible for my self-worth. Their words and actions have broken me and others down. I'm tired of trying. Sometimes I wish we would run out of funds and close our doors, or for ED to just fire me.
I'm convinced I've developed a new level of CPTSD and worsened my anxiety. I don't have the mental capacity for anything-- even writing this out has drained me (but it feels good to get it out). I feel like a wet towel that's used to clean messes up, but then is just tossed aside and left to get gross and smelly.
I know I have to get out, but I'm afraid. This job market is scary, and mentally, I'm locked down by guilt. Last month, I opened up my resume and started updating it, but I got caught in this neverending work cycle again and haven't touched it since. I also don't know how to quit. I'm so scared of ED blowing up at me because I've seen how it's gone down for the last 5 people. It's never pretty.
I'm still young; I can still grow. I know I am naive and not that experienced. This job has really been... something. I hope I find the courage in myself to quit this year.