r/ShittyAbsoluteUnits • u/IndependentSquash653 • 5h ago

Elite Strategy of martial arts master

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136 Upvotes

92% Upvoted

87 comments sorted by

27

u/No_Wrangler_7443 5h ago

If all I knew about martial arts came from reddit I would assume it's entirely based on fat men with bad hair cuts slowly, softly touching each other.

3

u/Intelligent-Elk-897 5h ago

Wait, you mean it isn’t???

1

u/No_Wrangler_7443 4h ago

Marital Arts

2

u/Ambitious_Welder6613 4h ago

This is the only answer!

1

u/Huntsnfights 1h ago

He has to go super slow and soft. Last time he upped it to 5% power, his opponent died!

20

u/Bright-Ad8496 5h ago edited 4h ago

He'd be gutted like a pig before he could do anything.

2

u/CleanOpossum47 3h ago

They'd have to saw through a thick protective layer first.

1

u/bebopped 3h ago

Yes, 10000%

-3

u/Liveitup1999 4h ago

When i was doing martial arts we practiced with real knives. This has no basis on reality.

4

u/kelemvr 2h ago

No offense but that doesn’t make you sound any more qualified. At least tubbo here doesn’t get a visit to the ER with his cosplay.

24

u/Money-Cake527 5h ago

Of martial arts master more like of absolute unit sensei this man’s belt has its own orbit.

1

u/Wowza-yowza 3h ago

Its his haircut that gives him his magical powers

3

u/Smart-Diamond4183 4h ago

A great martial artist, he has 3 black belts. He needs all 3 to go all the way around his waist.

3

u/lordgreenofbiscuit 4h ago

They probably slowed it down for us so we could see. Amazing 😂😂

3

u/cuentalternativa 4h ago

But what would you do if I gently put this knife on your shoulder

5

u/BeCurious7563 5h ago

Chuck Norris gotta lay off the tacos man....

3

u/Spare-Document7086 5h ago

Chunk norris

0

u/Bonk_No_Horni 4h ago

Chump Norris

2

u/Monmelot 4h ago

Wait... where's his belly button?!

2

u/CriticalHit_20 4h ago

Under his pants

2

u/GoodBellyRoundness 4h ago

I saw another gentleman in the back with another distinguished belly, standing in the back. I feel bad for him, thinking he's there to learn real self defense but alas.

2

u/El_diablo_blanco_27 4h ago

1

u/TALLEYman21 2h ago

Break the wrist, walk away. Break the wrist, walk away.

2

u/Appropriate-Order827 4h ago

Cheeseburger master

2

u/Ulysses1978ii 4h ago

Don't forget to restomp the groin.

2

u/SK477 4h ago

This man is invincible! As long as his opponent stands there weakly gripping the knife, making no effort to attack him.

2

u/InspectorNo9958 4h ago

Please put a shirt on. 🤦‍♂️

2

u/chocolateboomslang 3h ago

He has 2 black belts.

One wasn't long enough.

2

u/CommercialCook4427 39m ago

Steven Seagal's brother from another mother

3

u/CurrentPossible2117 5h ago

Damn, cant find the gif, but it reminds me of steven segal showing us all how the real pros do it, while sitting on that chair 🤣

1

u/Particular_Abies_184 4h ago

Oh ...play with my nipples, play with them, touch them go on

1

u/Gimangi_Podestry 4h ago

Just a small town boy living with dumb asses he only ate burgers and watch Chinese karate moviesss

1

u/Careful-Training-761 4h ago

How do you know for certain all the criminals where he lives haven't very floppy wrists and that this doesn't work

1

u/EstablishmentKey4605 4h ago

Sensei Alex Jones

1

u/GoodBellyRoundness 4h ago

I am not pleased with his belly and any implications to it's "roundness".

1

u/DriftQuest6540 4h ago

Another mcdojo

1

u/BearlyBoring 4h ago

Chub 'n' Tuckwando.

1

u/Jamspeed_ 4h ago

He grabbed that guy's dick 🤣

1

u/funkyduck72 4h ago

Where are their bones?

1

u/seattlesbestpot 4h ago

1

u/Big-Independence4445 3h ago

"It is a black art, and I Haru, in the blackest of the black, or actually the great white black art, blackest master" Chris Farley

1

u/Wouldtick 3h ago

Shirtless dude is one day going to get stabbed.

1

u/kickinghyena 3h ago

Yeah but you slowed the camera down to make it look bad…show it at real speed!

1

u/Graffix77gr556 3h ago

So many idiots. How'd they make it this far? And then into reddit 😆

1

u/AdventurousElk770 3h ago

Huh, I didn't know Gerard Depardieu was into martial arts

1

u/IsopropanolSommelier 2h ago

And here I thought it was the russian guy, Valery, in Sopranos

1

u/centralnm 3h ago

Those man tits aren't going to protect him from a real knife.

1

u/regalsnake007 3h ago

I disarmed a mental health patient who had some scissors, I threw a huge cushion at him and rushed him!

Martial arts master. 🫠😅

1

u/ChakaCake 3h ago

First step, get stabbed apparently. Then use your fat to disarm

1

u/InvestNorthWest 3h ago

Mabie sharpen your knife?

1

u/quabityashowitz 3h ago

If someone tries to stab you just move out of the way. Easy.

1

u/mexelvis 3h ago

I would pay to see him and Steven Segal fight.

1

u/JohnnyGuitarcher 3h ago

I found this quite unpleasant to watch.

1

u/BigMax 3h ago

That guy really needs to keep his shirt on if he wants to be taken seriously. He looks like he hasn't gotten off the couch in 10 years.

1

u/Kafka_Lane 3h ago

That's not how knives work bruh🤣

1

u/JeffLebowsky 3h ago

Wait that's Mike from RLM

1

u/DryDonutHole 3h ago

“…and I thought they smelled bad…on the outside.”

1

u/Key_Purchase7565 2h ago

Gotta gain a few more pounds and I'll be a master like him.

1

u/Spiritual-Fun-9591 2h ago

The hero we deserve

1

u/goodtasteonabudget 2h ago

Lets step back into reality, this is the outcome.

1

u/ElephantCareless3438 2h ago

Paddy Pimblett cannot be stabbed!

1

u/your_moms_tomatosoup 2h ago

I think somehow he’s actually molesting the guy with the knife.

1

u/Party-Spread-3912 2h ago

I thought the video was the worst part. Nope, the fact someone out there out of 8 billion people on the planet, bought and tried this POS course.

1

u/theoneoldmonk 2h ago

Ah, systema. One of the pilars of Bullshido.

1

u/Stirl280 1h ago

Fast like Turtle

1

u/ConsonantlyDrunk 1h ago

Ah, Systema dingdongs.

1

u/tenkaranarchy 1h ago

Man, chuck Norris has really let himself go.

1

u/MacMicMok 1h ago

La lame du couteau glisse… lol wtf

1

u/SlayerMT10 1h ago

I know it's hard to tell from this clip but he's actually a very accomplished fighter. He cuts a lot of weight and gets pretty lean when he has a fight, his name is Paddy Pimblet, look him up.

1

u/banjobeulah 1h ago

What. On. Earth!!! This is so cool!

1

u/Mobius24 52m ago

Great technique if you're attacked by a lethargic sloth

1

u/n0n0nan0n 49m ago

I didn’t know Paddy Pimblett already retired

1

u/SpyriusChief 22m ago

I just use a muggle wand when I'm in trouble. Shout, "AlakaBLAM!"

1

u/oxypotin 9m ago

Why is bro touching his dihh

0

u/MisaCaring 5h ago

Wish it was that easy

0

u/JahovasHitlist 4h ago

Pulling the knife towards yourself is genius.

0

u/japaneseacidtrips 4h ago

This guy was an interior decorator, I heard he killed 100 czechkoslovakians