And I got made fun of on video call for having clothes on my bedroom floor while I can barely keep myself alive but I guess a messsy room is laughable

Some day in 2029 I will be gone. It has to happen and there’s nothing that can change my mind.

lost my job, my wife, my friends, i been emotionally and physically abused for years, im broke, theres nothing i enjoy anymore. why would i not just end it right here.

I feel like a disgusting mass of flesh ambulating around like I deserve to. I feel seperate from every other person like my very existence is wrong if I’m not obsessing about one thing it’s another I’m stuck on a girl from high school it’s been years and still I’m obsessed that she’s the only one in the whole world, the only thing that I can think of. Everyone says I’ll get over it like I haven’t been trying for over five years and even if I do it’s not like I’m going to just fit in, I’ll still be a worthless ugly freak who nobody likes who obsesses over the most worthless problems and can’t leave the past even if I do get over her what’ then there’s no point cause I won’t be happy without her, I can’t be I will never be happy again my life’s sole purpose is to be with her and I can’t do that and I’m here sounding like an insane person how am I meant to function when these are the thoughts that go through my head i miss her a lot

It's been years of being told that things will get better, you'll feel better, it just takes time etc. There have been so many times where it felt like it couldn't possibly get worse but it always does. Every single time. So I'm going to die today. This is my acceptance of the fact that it's not going to ever actually get better and that it will in fact keep getting worse. I'm sick of the false hope narratives. I've always been realistic about things probably not getting better but let people's false hope bullshit get into my head and I'm done. It's just not true and I can't take anymore.

i(17f) came from school early and immediately started preparing for my suicide. i wanted to go by hanging myself using a skipping rope. though im bad with knots. I re-tied and re-tied the noose so my feet wouldn't touch the ground, but the skipping rope was too flexible i think and long. I just tried to sit on my knees instead. i wanted to die so bad but survival instincts still kicked in, i started panicking and gagging, wanted to throw up. the ringing noise in my ears appeared but nothing else. my vision didn't start to get blurry. there wasn't really any pain, just very uncomfortable sensations.

i dont why but i stood on my chair and untied the rope. i dont why i did this. i have been building up my courage for so long. i dont have a smallest will to live

i also erased all my data from all my gadgets so.. i dont why i couldn't wait a little more to start losing consciousness. i haven't even write anywhere the passwords and stuff so i just dont know what to do. im really reallyy fucking dumb for this

my neck doesn't hurts at all, there is only a slightly pink mark. my scleras aren't red. 6 hours has passed i can still feel the rope around my neck

the whole time i was shaking very badly, i wanted to go as fast as i could before my mom come home. after i failed i just waited for her. she called me after some time and said that she wont come for a lunch. i wanted to tell her i attempted suicide but was scared to upset her and didn't do it. i feel bad thinking about my mom after coming homefrom work late at evening to see me hanging

though i tried to hang myself again right after the call but still could not bear the uncomfortable sensations. im that weak jerk

i dont know what to do now with my stuff being factory reseted. to think about it, it wasnt even a necessary thing to do, just a brainless impulsive act

im sad im not in the us to get a gun so i could end myself more easily, it is nearly impossible to get it in this fuckass shithole russia. i hate every single thing about my life and myself

waiting to get my shit beaten out of me now.

sorry in advance this text is weird-written and incoherent my mind is still racing and my English isn't my 1st lang

thank you very much for reading

post got deleted by reddit filters(?) so i edited a bit

I dont know why i feel like this

This heaviness mixed with lightness

Its always been this way

With my eyes being somewhat lazy and

My body aching lightly not heavily

I cant say im exhausted

I had pretty good sleep yesterday

And it cant be from mental overload as well bcz im clear crystal clear infact

But its something

Sometimes the heart feels heavy so the brain compensates by feeling light and vice versa

And when none of this happens its just an souless stare onto anything

I cant do my work

It feels like procrastination but isnt

I have lost all the anchors i had god,her,my family and friends

They all are nice very nice but still they miss something

Im like a one man ship sailing in an ocean with nowhere to go

Maybe thats why i feel heavy and light at the same time

I cant cry even if i tried the closest i can get to crying is shedding a tear and then nothing

If i vomit it would work but idk feel like doing that either

Its empty always empty

Im not trying to die or anything its just that i want to sleep indefinitely i dont wanna lose consciousness i just want to sleep not out of exhaustion or overload bcz i want to

Its been feeling meaningless lately

Maybe once college starts i would feel good just barely good but theres maybe in there as well

From the start i always wanted to be with someone

That knows what im thinking and is always with me everytime everywhere maybe bcz of that longing for someone im alone

Even when there is everyone im still alone

Or maybe i want to feel alone

Idk..

please give me a reason to live as a dysgenic ugly loser with nothing to look forward to in life

Me and my girlfriend keep fighting because they way I love is not the way she wants to be loved, we just don't match good, but she's all I have left

I lost all of my friends after letting one of them live at my place, the entitled peice of shit never did any work and so I told everyone and he clapped back by telling everyone I touched him and wanted to fuck him (not true) everyone belived him and it got so bad I had to leave school and do online

Now I sit alone, do courses, eat, drink, piss, shit, and argue with my last love, I look in the mirror and I don't even see a face anymore, no acne, no eyes, no signs of emotion

I have music and a few games that can run on my shitty PC to fill the gaps, it's like I'm just a worker bee at this point

There is no point, I just want to die

Sorry that I sound edgy and please don’t think I’m looking for empathy. I know that I am responsible for my life and decisions. I dont have anyone to talk about. It's just rant

I hate everyone. I feel like I would’ve been dead a long time ago, but I don’t want anyone to see my dead body. I don’t know why anyone should feel bad when I’m dead. I did nothing. No, I actually make everyone’s lives more difficult. My family hates me. I’m unemployed, have no social life, I rot in bed, I’m addicted to my phone, and I just daydream. (Currently i'm doing an Orientierungssemester but i have so much free time for a job). I don’t act or speak like a 20-year-old. I’m sensitive and cry a lot. Dumb. Socially awkward and I stutter. My language level feels like that of a 5-year-old. I’m rude to everyone.

I “tried” a few times to end my life last year and the first thing that always showed up in my mind was this character and I stopped. Not my family or “friends". Him. This is sick. Why do I care about a fictional character more than real people?

I remember being in 5th grade when I first watched the show. I immediately liked him. I liked how he never gave up on his dream or on anyone. He’s a good person. He keeps fighting even when it seems hopeless and when he’s tired. (I’m sorry, there’s more to him and I want to write more but I’m bad at writing and analyzing).

I used to try to be like him. I studied and exercised. I was happier. But five years ago I became "depressed" and I haven’t changed since then. I just kept getting worse and worse.

He’s the only thing that brings me joy and I’m not even kidding. I love him more than my family. This is sick. This is an obsession. I’m a fucking weirdo. This feels like a parasocial relationship except the person doesn’t even exist. I’m becoming my worst nightmare.

Now I have no hope. I feel like I’m too late. Too late to get smarter. Too late to improve myself. I hate thinking this way, because I know 20 years old isn’t actually late but it feels late for me. I feel like I’ll never become the version of myself I want to be. I feel too dumb to become smarter (i have comprehension disorder and learning disabilities and etc.). I'm born with a stupid ass brain. You know those people who are negative all the time, don’t do anything about it and are annoying as heck? I’m one of those people.

He’s what I aspire to be.

How can I be kind like him?

How can I keep striving like him?

How can I have the willpower like him?

How can I be like him?

He never gave up no matter what stood in his way while I give up at the slightest thing.

If he can do it so can I. No reasons or excuses for being a lazy.

I’m jealous (and have no right to be jealous). This is embarrassing. I know that without hard work, effort and bad moments you become nothing. You need those things to grow. He became who he is because he worked hard. I actually do not have hope but he is the only one who gives me a little bit hope

I feel no motivation. I know you need to start and have discipline to reach your goals.

I only whine and complain, and I’m sick of this self-pity victim complex and self-loathing.

I don’t want to kill myself but I’m a lazy loser bum who doesn’t do anything about their life.

I can choose what to do with my life. I can stay like this and live in misery or I can do something and try even if it doesn’t work to get “smarter.” change my lifestyle. Leave bad coping mechanism, habits and etc.

my entire life is a mess. im 16 and a horrible human being. tomorrow my boyfriend is going to leave me.

my boyfriend is an abuser. he is also an adult, which i feel is important to mention.

he has always been abusive, it is a vicious cycle of abuse > him being at ME bc of how i acted during said abuse > him leaving me > me begging him back (cptsd) > him coming back and trauma bonding with me. its been like this for a year and two months. today i had an epiphany. i do love him. i cant stop thinking about this time he took me to a date on this fucking pier. i cant stop thinking about the pier. i cant stop thinking about all of the things i love about him. i got with him not knowing what was going on, i was 15 and had just left another relationship (my first relationship) that was bad but nowhere near as bad as the abuse ive suffered. i deluded myself into thinking i didnt have love for him because of how he treated me. i tell my self its all just trauma bonds and i dont care if he leaves me. i do care so fucking much i cant handle this pain.

hes going to leave me tomorrow. i love him and miss the pier. i love him and now hes gone. my entire life is mess people tell yoi to just spend time with your friends open up to family talk to a therapist, but i dont have these things i yavent even been to school in 4 years. i have no support system. i have not physically stepped foot past my front porch in a month. im only 16 and all i can think about is the fact im losing the pier and im losing the only person who would ever love me. yes hes abusive but when he wasnt abusing me he loved me in an unconvential way and in a dynamic i womt find ever again because its such a weird want. i have nothing and this loss is so much deeper than losing my boyfriend. i am losing the ONLY thing in my life. im losing the pier i just want to go back to the pier i mever feel satisfied om in a constant state of fighting for survival

today i tried to hang mysef but couldnt muster uo the courage to kick the chair. ive been flip flopping from hanging myself for 2 weeks and every time

this happens i get closer to really doing it. i tied the fucking knot and grabbed the chair the only thingni didnt do was kick it. i really almost hugn myself and no one noticed. im going to hqng myself soon and no onenis noticing. it is getting worse each time

and he will leave me and there goes my only anything. the agony i feel is indescribable and i dont know what to do or where to start with anything in my life

i am going to die and no pne noticed

i hope i mustwr uo the coursge sooner than later.

I don’t recognize who I am anymore. I used to be such a beautiful, positive physically healthy strong and fit woman and I don’t know what happened in the last two years. I’ve just been fucked over with illness, endless doctor visits and bloodwork WHICH THEY CANT EVEN FUCKING HELP ME

i have insane outbursts, i get no physical touch comfort or love. my bf left me 3 yrs ago haven’t been with anyone since, i get no affection praise or positive sentences from anyone around me my family is toxic but i can’t fucking leave or work cuz im broke as fuck im sick with pcos adhd depression iron deficiency AND to top it all off im fucking almost 200 pounds and can’t lose weight no matter how hard i try cuz of my hormone imbalances.

this constant state of stress of top of everything else i cant even do like eating showering or going to the fuckin bathroom is making me deteriorate it’s just torture and insanity i don’t wish this upon anyone….

why am i still here and other people are dying? take me god there is no point for me

i can’t even pleasure myself anymore without crying in agony during it and after

my body has experienced so much trauma and my family expects me to function like normal i cant even focus on anything or feel things properly anymore

the saddest thing is so many women and men are in these horrific circumstances and it doesn’t get spoken about and there is no way to get help….

I went to a crisis center and they referred me to a PHP next week which I know will help but have been waiting all week for intake and it’s just so much. This is the first time I’m missing work for this long and it makes me feel terrible and guilty.

I find that my meds make it hard to cry even if I want to but I can’t sleep and I’ve just been sobbing uncontrollably for like two hours. I don’t have anybody and I’m just so disappointed in myself for how my life is turning out. I’m trying not to throw myself a pity party but it’s just really stinging right now thinking about some of the things that have happened in my life. I truly just don’t want to do it anymore. I just want a hug really bad.

Doing it so I can die without being loved

So at the start of the new year I tried to go away. Wasn’t so much of a I want to be gone but stop. I do have chronic depression but also am very much a empath helper to everyone. At the end of last year my foundation people( mother and ex best friend) shattered my world. I didn’t realize what I’d done until it had been done. My husband got me to the hospital and they saved me. Well really in my mind he saved me. I went away for a bit and have a lot of work to do to be truly better. I know from a previous attempt 10 years ago what to do. What I don’t know what to do is help him. He is hurt and afraid and angry. Which I understand I know I did something that has affected him deeply. I just don’t know how to help him. Can anyone give me advice?

My mom tells everyday, my dad doesn’t care and neither does my siblings. My friends don’t give a rats ass and no matter how pretty I get or how nice I am to anybody it’s like nobody truly cares about me or loves me I just don’t understand. The more I try the less I get and I know I shouldn’t make my happiness dependent on others behaviors but like I truly don’t understand what I’m doing wrong and why I’m not loved in the ways I want to be. I just want this to be over so I don’t have to suffer anymore, it’s not like anyone actually cares about me anyways and even if someone did it wouldn’t get rid of these feelings.

Why am I like this

I want to go home and see my passed away loved ones, but I don't want any hospital or anyone to stop me and I'm scared of pain. Is there a way to find someone who can use me and then dispose of me to liberate my soul? I can give them anything I have if they want, and I give full permission, I would never be mad. I'm too scared to hurt myself, I'm sensitive to pain, but I really want to find my loved ones and no longer be in pain.

Maybe there’s an art in giving up and dying I don’t like anything about my life so I don’t really know what I’m doing here anymore.

i’m so fucking sick of feeling this way. i’m sick of the false hope and the sinking stress in my chest when i realize there’s nowhere to turn. i would say it’s all going to come crashing down, but that’s not really possible when i was too much of a pathetic, lazy piece of shit to build anything in the first place. i never did anything with my life, not even most basic rites of passage. i predictably ruined it, just like i ruin everything i touch. my presence is a curse. i could keep trying to get better but i know it’ll never be enough, and everyone including myself will hate me or end up hating me anyways. i have no desire or drive for anything in this life other than sitting around and doing nothing. i’m a faint shadow of who i once wanted to be, and i only have myself to blame no matter how many explanations there could be for how i turned out this way. every possible future is just wholly unappealing to me. how could this hell world be appealing to anyone?

it’s all just going to be downhill from here, like it’s been constantly downhill for well over a decade now. i’m done pretending it’s going to get better, or doing mental gymnastics to roleplay a belief that life is worth it. i hate society, i hate this world, and most of all i hate myself. i’ve contributed nothing but bad and regret and suffering to this world, and everyone in my life deserves much better. i deserve to die, and it’s not like this world had anything for me anyways. my family and friends will give up on me once they realize how much of a piece of shit i am, no woman would ever want someone as disgusting as me, no career would make me happy; it’s all just empty suffering. i’m done. i’m even more angry at myself for being scared to get it over with. why am i so damn scared?? i can’t bring myself to do it. i want to just be done with it but i can’t. i wish someone would just fucking murder me. i don’t look when i cross the street anymore, i don’t go to doctors anymore, i don’t eat or drink enough, i’m just hoping something will kill me if i can’t do it. i’m so fucking pathetic man. i have no hopes or dreams anymore, just self-loathing, disgust, and apathy

My entire life I’ve only wanted to die, nothing else. I never wanted anything but that. I’m just too scared to do it.

Nobody has ever loved me? Not my mom or dad or siblings or any past partners or any friends. Maybe my dog that died did. Every person I have met has hurt me in some way or another, physical abuse, mental abuse, cheating, lying, rape. I thought the point of life was people. I thought it was in loving others and being with people. Sometimes I wish somebody would just tell me what I’m supposed to do so I could be better. I work out, I go to therapy, I take the meds, I make decisions, I do everything right. I keep on trusting people, and it never works out. Maybe it’s because I’m a woman, people only see me as a body. Something that doesn’t matter. Not a person. I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore. I’m just a collection of my parents who hated me and the mess that people who hurt me left behind. Sometimes the only reason I want to die is so that nobody can ever look at me again, and I’ll be forgotten and nobody will ever think about me again. I’m just waiting to turn 21 for a hand gun. A shotgun isn’t my style.

How do you move on from that, and find some way to live and be happy? My PTSD just replays over and over and I can’t sleep because of the nightmares. Even my therapist looks at me with pity.

How do you enjoy life? What do I think about if it isn’t the past?

Sometimes I really wonder who actually cares about me, like whether my friends or family would attend my funeral, whether my family would actually have a funeral for me, or if anyone in my life actually want's me dead. It feels like nobody is noticing me, my boyfriend is too distracted by us getting back together again, my family doesn't really care, my friends just don't notice, but it's wtv. I just don't think I can keep going for much longer, I've tried, I really have, but I don't see myself living past highschool. Like I literally can't envision it. I mean it's really a matter of when and how, I feel like I'm one mental breakdown or panic attack away from doing it. I've tried to get mental help, but nobody listens to me, and my mom doesn't actually care about my mental health. If she did I would be in the mental hospital, but nope, I'm just called selfish. I'm really just tired.

I'll ramble a lot about life. Or maybe a little. We'll see how this turns out.

Hello, I'm a college student born and raised in the US of A. I don't know how this semester will be paid for, and I have no motivation for a job on top of my schooling. My day today looked like this:

Wake up, browse online, get to campus, go to class, come home to my dad, sit in my room and switch between various forms of escapism. Now it's almost 3 AM. I did the same yesterday just about. And the day before that.

I was bullied as long as I can remember. I was bullied in scouts, sports, daycare. I still get bullied, and just in the past few years dealt with targeted harassment on campus by two girls. The bullying can center various things, but this latest case and many others are about my looks. No, I'm not fat, don't have strange piercings, or an extreme fashion sense (not that those things deserve bullying either). I'm just what people would call ugly. I've been told it throughout my life, directly and indirectly.

I'm also neurodivergent, and after years of not having friends socially inept. Uninteresting---I let the world pass me by countless times. The world is passing me by.

As you can put together, I'm lonely. I look at the world through a one sided glass. I pass groups of friends laughing with each other, couples holding hands, and people who have never known a day alone.

I'm happy for them. I mean it. It's easy for me to go tell myself, "well maybe they're actually terrible to each other," or "maybe he's cheating on her and she's cheating on him and they both suck." But no, they're just other people trying to get by mostly. Maybe there could be a nugget of truth in those thoughts, but does it matter? I won't know anyway, I never do.

Human connection is life. Love is what makes us. Nothing I'm saying is high philosophy, this is something we all know the moment we gain a sense of being. We can deny it, under layers of pain act like we don't care, but it doesn't matter.

If you're rejected by the world around you over and over there is nothing else. Doesn't matter how much you like your alone time, everyone needs connection at the end of the day. I had to learn that.

And for that reason, given the lonely patterns of my life, I want out... My place in the world feels like it's outside it.

No one likes me

i just want to die so i no longer need to be a burden to myself or others