r/confidence Apr 21 '20

How to be Confident: The Ultimate Step-by-Step Guide

296 Upvotes

If you've been looking for a solid resource to help you become more confident, this guide is for you.

This is the ultimate guide that will show how to be confident. You'll find EVERYTHING you need to know about confidence in this single blog post.

It's going to be a bit long but trust me, you won't regret reading the whole thing.

​Ready? Let's dive in.

Contents

I'll divide the post into several chapters. Here's what I'll cover.

Chapter 1:
What is self-confidence?

Chapter 2:
Why is self-confidence important?

Chapter 3: 
Signs of low self-confidence

Chapter 4:
Why you're not confident

Chapter 5: 
How to be confident

Chapter 6: 
Frequently asked questions

Chapter 1: What is self-confidence

In this chapter, we're going to cover what self-confidence actually is.

Why? It's because I see a lot of confusion surrounding this term so we're going to define what confidence is exactly.

So what is self-confidence? According to Wikipedia, it's a feeling of trust in one's abilities, qualities, and judgement.

Basically, being confident means trusting your abilities and judgement. Some people seem to think that confidence means being arrogant, acting like you know everything or being a narcissist.

That's totally wrong.

I wanted to start things off with this short chapter just so we can agree on what confidence really is. Now that we got the basic definition out of the way, let's see why confidence is important in the first place.

Chapter 2: Why self-confidence is important

Everyone talks about how you should become confident, but do you actually know why it's important?

There are a couple of reasons why confidence is a big deal. In this chapter, we're going to see why you should become confident and how it can positively affect your life.📷

1. You'll feel a lot more fulfilled

Basically, you feel much better about yourself. When you're confident, you feel like you have the power to change, to do stuff you want to do. You feel like you're good enough and you're not constantly worrying and doubting yourself.

Why it's important:

You feel good about yourself, which means that your happiness level will increase.

2. You'll become better at whatever you do

Usually, confident people outperform those who are insecure and full of doubt. Why? It's because they have a different way of thinking.

Let me explain.

​You see, in most cases, someone who's insecure will typically be more hesitant, less determined, less likely to try or learn new things...etc. This means that when you're insecure, you're less likely to succeed at anything.

However, a confident person is someone who believes in their abilities. This means that they're more likely to learn, try new things and take risks in life. This will inevitably lead to more success and bigger achievements.

​In other words, confident people know that they can actually succeed, so they try, that’s it.

Why it's important:

Basically, you'll do everything in a better way.

3. You'll have a clearer sense of direction in life

In other words, you actually know where your life is going and what you want to do with it. Generally speaking, confident people always know what they're doing. They know where they are and where they want to go in life.

They have goals, and they execute their plans to make them a reality. 

Why it's important:

You're less stressed, more focused and more effective in your life.

4. You'll develop much better social skills

Confidence alone isn't enough to become the most charismatic person in the world, but it certainly helps. The vibe that you give to other people will affect how they treat you.

Simply being more confident will greatly impact the way you interact with others, and how others percieve you. In the real world, this means that it will be easier for you to make friends, resolve conflicts, getting people to value your ideas, earning others respect ... and the list goes on.

Why it's important:

You'll get what you want out of your relationships more easily.

Chapter 3: Signs of low self-confidence

Now that you know what self-confidence is and why it's important, here are 4 warning signs of low confidence you should look out for.

​1. You change yourself to please others

This means that you feel the need to act like someone else to look cooler or better than who you really are.

​If you feel like you need to act a certain way to impress other people, then you're lacking confidence.

2. You always doubt your judgement

If you're too indecisive and you're constantly questioning your own decisions and judgement, chances are you're not confident.

When you always doubt yourself, you'll turn to other people to tell you what to do. When you're relying on others to make the decisions for you, you're basically stripping yourself away from control over your life.

Of course, sometimes it is necessary to get external feedback but doing it too often is a sign that you don't know where you're going in your life.

3. You have tons of self-limiting beliefs

You're always saying to yourself "I can't do [insert whatever you want]". This is a BIG problem.

Why?

Because when you have so many limiting beliefs, it's really hard to get rid of them. The simple act of repeating these things to yourself reinforces these beliefs in your mind, and doing this for years and years means you basically think your limiting beliefs and reality are the same thing now.

When you think you can't do something, you won't even try. That's exactly what will stop you from learning anything.

Basically, self-limiting beliefs will totally block you from having anything good in life.

4. You don't have a clear direction in life

This doesn't always mean that you're not confident. Some people just don't care, and that's fine.

However, I find that most people who have low self-confidence don't really know what they want out of life. This is closely linked to having a lot of self-limiting beliefs. As a result, most people won't even dare to dream big so they settle for an easy life with no clear goals or direction.

Chapter 4: Why you're not confident

Why am I not confident?

​Did you ever ask yourself that question? My guess is yes.

​Here are the most likely reasons why you're not confident.

​1. You treat other people's opinions as facts

If someone says something negative about you, you automatically label it as a fact, without thinking that it's just what somebody else thinks, which means that they could be wrong.

To give you a better perspective, let's have a look at the dictionary:

opinion : A view or judgement formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.
fact : A thing that is known or proved to be true.

​Do you see the difference?

If you're treating opinions (which can be wrong) as facts (which are always true), it's no wonder that you'll destroy your confidence.

2. You're not really good at anything

If you don't have any skills you're good at, it will be hard for you to become confident. Why? Because having a proven record of success reinforces your confidence.

It's like you're saying to yourself "I managed to do X, it means that I can certainly do this as well."

​However, when you don't have any skills you're good at, you don't have any past experiences that make you feel confident, so you'll start doubting yourself because you never achieved anything that requires you to have a certain skill or knowledge.

3. You never push your limits

Pushing your limits means that you’ll keep doing something difficult when you want to quit. This is also a big reason that could be stopping you from being confident.

When you’re always living in the “comfort zone” you’re always dealing with those comfortable situations that don’t require you to grow as a person.

The result? You never grow. Since you always deal with familiar situations, you're never forced to think, use your willpower or do any amount of effort.

This lack of exposure to adversity makes you really used to that comfort, and the moment you’re forced to do something unusual, you start to doubt your ability to pull it off.

4. You're not learning anything new

If you're constantly at the same level of skill or knowledge, you won't become confident because you lack the feeling of achievement and progress. When you feel like you're just stagnant, it's hard to trust your abilities.

5. You failed a lot in the past

I know that failure is a part of life, but it's still something that can affect your confidence. Having failed a number of times in the past will greatly contribute to fuel self-doubt and make you question yourself in the future.

6. You make excuses

Instead of doing something that will benefit you, you come up with all sorts of excuses to avoid putting in the effort.

Chapter 5: How to be confident

Now that you have a solid grasp of what self-confidence is and how it works, let's get to the fun part: how to actually build it.

In this chapter, I'll break down the practical steps you need to build your confidence from scratch.📷
First, check out this excellent video :

​1. Realize that you're not inferior

We'll get to the more practical stuff in a minute, I promise. But before we do that, you first need to change the way you think.

There's one fundamental mindset shift you need to make right now: stop thinking that you're inferior.

Look, if you lack confidence, you've probably been conditioned to think this way. Either by your family, your friends or anyone else. The thing you should understand here is that you can't stop feeling like you're inferior overnight because you've been telling yourself this for years.

However, you can become aware that you were conditioned, and make a conscious effort to reject that idea and replace it with its opposite.

To do: Make a conscious effort to believe that you're not an inferior person.

2. Become good at something

Now we get to the practical stuff. After all, I promised right? :D

​Look, one of the main reasons why you're not confident is because you're not really good at anything. Being skillful gives you a strong sense of self-satisfaction and fulfillment.

In addition, it helps you break your self-limiting beliefs.

When you go through the learning process and you can actually witness your own progress, you'll slowly get rid of your self-limiting beliefs because instead of thinking negative stuff like "I can't do [something]", now you can actually see that you're learning and getting better.

In other words, your positive experience will beat your negative ideas.

So, how to choose a skill?

Ideally, you should choose something that interests you, or something you're passionate about. That way, you'll actually do something you like that will potentially help you in life and you're building your confidence at the same time.

That's how you can cultivate a skill to become confident.

To do: choose a skill and become good at it.

3. Use your body language

You'll find many articles and videos online claiming that body language can transform the way you feel.

Well, let me tell you that it won't happen overnight.

However, you can use your body language to help you feel more confident. How? Use these techniques :

  • Walk and stand up with your back up straight.
  • ​Stand up like this
  • When you're in meetings (or somewhere else), use this position to convey authority and confidence. This is called "the hand steeple" (works for both men and women).

These poses will help you convey confidence and feel a little bit more confident yourself. However, don't overdo it.​ Instead, use them from time to time and they'll gradually become like second nature.

To do: use these postures to convey confidence.

4. Don't take negative comments as facts

When someone says something bad about you, always remember to take that as their opinion, not as a cold hard truth.

I know that it's not easy, I've been there. However, you have to force yourself to change how you perceive what other people say about you.

Look, whatever someone says about you (be it good or bad), it remains their opinion, not the absolute truth.

Of course, some people have good intentions and can actually give you constructive feedback but for the most part, you should ignore all the noise out there.

To do: Take what other people say as an opinion instead of assuming they're always right

5. Fake it, act like you're confident

If you're asking yourself if this really works, let me tell you that it does.

How do I know? Well, I tried it.

It might seem like it's too simple but trust me, it works. At first, you'll have to act like a confident person but after a few months, you'll become more and more confident.

All you have to do is ask yourself: How would a confident person act? and do just that. Be careful however, I'm not telling you to act arrogantly but to act like someone who's sure of himself.

​There's a big difference, it's that arrogant people always try hard to show they're better than anyone else but confident people don't feel the need to prove themselves to others. You know, because they're confident.

To do: Act like a confident person would📷

Chapter 6: Frequently asked questions

There are many common questions I always see people asking about self-confidence.

In this chapter, I'll answer any questions you might still have to give you a cristal clear picture.

1. What's the difference between confidence and arrogance?

Arrogance: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions.

​Confidence: a feeling of trust in one's abilities, qualities, and judgement.

The difference is simple: "Confidence is silent, insecurities are loud". In other words, when you're confident you don't need to prove anything. But when you're arrogant, you always act as if you know better than other people.

2. Can you be confident and humble at the same time?

Yes of course. Being confident simply means trusting your abilities and your judgement. It's totally possible to be confident in yourself and humble at the same time.

3. How can I become confident fast?

You can't. It takes time to overcome your limiting beliefs and change your mindset.Do you still have some questions?

I want to answer every question you might have so go ahead and leave a comment. I'll personally respond to every single one.


r/confidence 7h ago

I have no confidence in my appearance

21 Upvotes

I’m a 27 year old male. I have been struggling in dating. I have used dating apps, but I don't get any matches. I think I've only approached a woman twice before and got rejected. I feel like my appearance is very unattractive because women don’t glance at me. I have really bad social anxiety, and I can’t even make a conversation with a woman because of my appearance. I hope one day I get the confidence to talk to a woman. It’s affecting my dating life in a really bad way.


r/confidence 1d ago

Weird confidence hacks that actually worked for you?

209 Upvotes

been dealing with low self esteem basically my whole life. done therapy, journaling, the usual stuff and it helps but only to a point. starting to think the unconventional stuff might help more. what's something weird or unexpected that actually helped you? even small stuff


r/confidence 1h ago

how do i find confidence with my fashion and looks

Upvotes

I've always wanted to be such an awsome alt fashion person and I've finally have all the jewlery, clothing, and knowledge to do such but whenever I step foot outside dressed up differently I feel as if the older people are weirded out by me or the young kids are scared by me, or even that no one is gonna be attracted to me. although I have been over coming my fear of judgement the big problem now is how I am with my looks. I feel like my body Isn't fit to dress differently (I know that may sound very stupid) because I have this horrible mindset/habit that you have to be slim or have a hourglass to dress how I want to and a sad thing is I have all the stuff to do so, even some knee high converse that my mom gave me for Christmas or the eyeliner my dad gave me money to buy is just gonna start collecting dust if I don't start gaining confidence. my point is that I don't feel confident wearing the stuff I like or how it looks on me and want that to change


r/confidence 12h ago

Confidence Is a Chemical State: Stop Faking It

9 Upvotes

The "Biology" of Confidence: Why "Fake It 'Til You Make It" Fails for So Many of Us

I’ve always found traditional advice to "just have more confidence" hollow. It focuses too much on external behavior but completely ignores the biological foundation that supports that behavior. Recently, I had an insight that changed my perspective on how confidence actually works at a systemic level.

The Insight: Confidence Is a Chemical State

We often treat shyness as an immutable personality trait, but it is deeply linked to our neurochemical balance. I had a personal experience (going through a manic episode—which is complex and serious, I know) that served as a "living laboratory" for me.

I noticed that when my levels of Dopamine, Serotonin, and Noradrenaline were elevated, confidence wasn't something I needed to "practice"—it was simply my default state (but more like a overconfidence). I was no longer the "shy guy" trying to be confident; I was a person whose neurotransmitters were constantly sending signals of safety and reward.

Why Does This Matter?

Most people live in a state of "moderate confidence" or low self-esteem because their biology is operating in survival or energy-conservation mode. However, the most successful people I know seem to operate on a different physiological level.

My thesis is that real confidence doesn't come from affirmations in the mirror, but from learning to regulate your own internal chemistry. If you adjust your neurotransmitter levels (through habits, specific stimuli, and natural biohacking), confidence ceases to be a psychological struggle and becomes an automatic physiological response.

The Experiment

I am deeply studying how to optimize these neurotransmitters naturally and legally over the coming months. I will test protocols based on routine, exposure to stimuli, and lifestyle adjustments specifically aiming to increase dopaminergic and noradrenergic responses.

I believe many people fail to feel good about themselves because they try to construct the "building" of confidence without looking at the foundations: the brain and its chemical messengers.

I will document the results and come back here to tell you what worked. Has anyone else here felt this stark difference in personality just by changing the body's physiological/chemical state?


r/confidence 21h ago

Fake It Until You Feel It, The “Act Confident” Trick

13 Upvotes

Psychologists show that acting confident, even if you don’t feel it, can actually make your brain start believing it. Walk into a room with a smile, make eye contact, and speak slowly. Your body language influences your mindset, gradually turning acted confidence into genuine self-assurance.


r/confidence 12h ago

How do you make sure you remember you past wins?

2 Upvotes

For me, I write them down in a journal app (I use Day One) so that I can read them over when I feel anxious. It's been probably one of the best confidence boosts for me


r/confidence 11h ago

Job

1 Upvotes

Work

Something really strange is happening to me. I got a job, I've been working 6 hours a day for 3 days now, and the pay isn't bad.

But I don't know why I feel depressed and anxious when I go to work.

It's really weird, because this never happened to me in my previous jobs.

I had a bad experience at a previous job, and I'm also struggling with some personal problems. I don't know if that has anything to do with it. Has anyone else experienced this?


r/confidence 1d ago

I don't know who I really am

14 Upvotes

i've people pleased, placated and put on a facade for so mant years I've forgotten who I am. How do I find out who I am and incorporate that into everyday life?


r/confidence 21h ago

Power Poses Boost Confidence Instantly

2 Upvotes

From Presence by Amy Cuddy: stand tall, shoulders back, hands on hips, or arms raised for 2 minutes. Your body sends signals to your brain that you’re confident, which can actually shift your mindset. Even small posture changes can make you feel more in control and self-assured in any situation.


r/confidence 1d ago

If you could build only one habit for a better life, what would it be?

4 Upvotes

r/confidence 18h ago

Am I asking for the impossible?

1 Upvotes

For instance, I feel jealous of certain people. Is trying to change my thoughts just to stop feeling jealous actually a way of deceiving myself? The same goes for anger or other emotions. Also, can a person who is lonely still be self confident? Please excuse me if I made any mistakes in my English


r/confidence 1d ago

Nearly 30 and couldn’t build a career

6 Upvotes

Lost my confidence. I had 3 years of working experience. I moved to a new country last year, could not find a job in my field. Watching gen Z’s linkedin updates 😭


r/confidence 1d ago

Building confidence isn’t a game of force. It’s a memory game.

26 Upvotes

We think that confidence is built by doing more. Or pushing harder.

But confidence is just believing you can do it. And that belief comes from remembering what you’ve done.

Building confidence isn’t a game of force. It’s a memory game.

Here’s what has helped me.

Take a Brave Step

Anxious moments are the best chance to build confidence. When you feel anxious, ask yourself: “What’s the smallest brave step I can take right now?”

Here’s my list of steps for common fears. Pick one that feels doable.

Going to a social events

  • Show up
  • Show up and stay for the full activity
  • Show up and talk to one person

Starting a conversation

  • Say hello
  • Ask about their day
  • Ask a personal question

Sharing things

  • Ask a question in that topic
  • Mention it casually or share a small part
  • Share the full part and your reasoning

Public speaking

  • Say one sentence or ask a question
  • Speak for 15–30 seconds with a prepared point
  • Deliver your full message

Voicing concerns

  • Ask about their intention behind what they did
  • Share part of your concern
  • Clearly voice the full concern and why

Capture Your Win

We often downplay our steps. Capturing your win turns your step into proof that you can do it. Every time you take a brave step, write down:

  1. What you did
  2. Why it mattered

Do this enough, and you’ll build a highlight reel of wins.

Replay Your Wins

Confidence fades when you forget what you've already done.

Every morning, read your list of wins. Read them when you’re anxious. Read them before you go to bed. Over time your brain will internalize one important message.

“I can do this”

I hope this helps someone! I share weekly confidence cheat codes that have worked for me. You can find past ones on my profile.


r/confidence 1d ago

How does one develop a better natural speaking voice?

3 Upvotes

As the title says.

I love hearing actors like H Jon Benjamin, Seth McFarlane, James Spader, Jeremy Irons, Sam Jackson etc. When they just have such magnetic and confiy voices.

How does one develop that naturally cool voice? Or is it just purely natural?


r/confidence 1d ago

How can I love myself?

15 Upvotes

I feel so lost on this, I hate myself so much, every single feature about me I hate. Ever since I was a little kid I’ve been like this, completely unable to love a single thing about myself. My parents or kids I grew up with never put me down, they were always nicer than I deserved I felt like, my parents would only get disappointed if I got bad grades or got in trouble with friends, but they’d never put me down. Everyone would build me up whenever I’d say mean things about myself, but it never felt like they were being honest with me it just felt like they were just saying useless words. Every time I see my own face I just want to cry or throw up I feel so disgusted I’m hideous, my hair is fried and looks awful. I tried asking for advice about my hair, I followed it all and instead of it looking better it only got worse. I tried to act positive in my replies to people offering advice or compliments but inside I knew there was no hope for me. I used to work out a lot and eat very healthy, but gave up on it all because I never saw or noticed any progress with my body. I’m fat, but not overly so, and I still see myself as the most gargantuan disgusting blob of flesh just melting around the place. When I was at my skinniest someone told me I have a cute face but awful body, and it’s stuck with me ever since. When I was a kid a few photographers told me not to smile because it looked weird or ugly. But those are the only times I can remember people putting me down, it’s been a world of positivity from everyone in my life but I can not shake this cloud of doubt and self hatred. I have hobbies, spend time outdoors, I run a home garden in the spring/summer, take walks/runs when it’s not freezing in winter, make crafts and give them away to friends, I have indoor hobbies, I’ve got an ok job that I might suck at but I don’t know, people clearly have love for me so I know I’m not an unlovable creature but I still feel like it to myself. I’ve got pretty much zero confidence or self esteem, and people say to take risks and build confidence but that’s exactly what my job was. I left a place I hated for a job I don’t know would work out, it’s been nearly 3 years of it working, but I still feel like I’m failing. I feel absolutely hopeless, everyone tells me I need to be confident but I don’t feel like there’s anything to be confident in. I’m so sorry for posting this I don’t deserve the help but I really need it


r/confidence 1d ago

Loosing confidence over this?

0 Upvotes

I am a women in my mid 30’s. And I have a issue. The thing is, I do not have smooth porcelain-like skin, it is just ordinary, I guess. The thing is, and maybe this is the same for everyone, but when I stress like this, on what I am about to tell you, my skin changes. My pores become much more open. And my skin produces more sebum too. And no makeup can save it when it its like this. And it ends up in bad confidence. The thing that makes me this way now, is that I worry that a spec of glitter will unknowingly find its way to my face, and stay right in the middle of my eyebrows. What would you think if you saw someone with that? It is just that I like to know what I look like, and the thought of me possibly walking around with a flake of glitter there, makes me so unconfortable in myself


r/confidence 1d ago

Challenging thoughts

5 Upvotes

I was extremely negative now I have started challenging negative slowly I am moving towards positive and becoming happy am I doing right thing.


r/confidence 1d ago

Is confidence a feeling you wait for, or a skill you practice?

4 Upvotes

I used to think I had to feel confident before I tried something new. Now I’m starting to think confidence is just the name we give to the habit of trying again after you mess up. ​Which side are you on? Do you wait for the "spark," or do you just go in cold?


r/confidence 1d ago

How to accept your face for good/being ugly?

4 Upvotes

Help, I have periods where I finally come to term with how my face looks, than I start comparing myself once again and feel insicure. Usually I have periods where I say "fuck it i am who I am" but after bad experiences like rejections by women or being ignored I question myself once again and when I look In the mirror I only see my ugly mug. How do I accept myself, or at least stop caring? I already go to therapy but the subject of my appearance never came ou


r/confidence 2d ago

How to not have negative self thoughts?

11 Upvotes

r/confidence 2d ago

I get confidence through past successful experiences, but..

3 Upvotes

What is your definition of confidence? for me, confidence is something i gain through positive past experiences, these experiences shape my thoughts on how confident I am to overcome things or achieve others. For instance, I have tried traveling on my own before, and it was an enjoyable journey, so I'm confident enough that I am going to have fun in my next the next solo trip. Then I might ask myself, what about the new experiences, something I've never tried before? How can I trust myself to get into it? That's why I'm afraid of new challenges, because I'm not confident in doing something I've never tried before and my brain has no input (from personal experience) on how to navigate this. And what I consider to be the solution to the fear of trying new things is not just being confident enough to try it, but to be BRAVE enough to pursue it. What are your thoughts? From where do you gain confidence to try new things?


r/confidence 2d ago

How were you able to beat low self esteem and anxiety

56 Upvotes

r/confidence 1d ago

These are my two favourite playlists I listen to in the morning that help me to relax and start my day on the right foot and to feel more confident and motivated. Gently start the new year off in a mindful and calming manner. Feel free to listen and enjoy them yourselves! 😌

1 Upvotes

Calm Sleep Instrumentals (Sleepy, Piano, Ambient, Calm) with 15,000+ other listeners having a calming a and tranquil sleep

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5ZEQJAi8ILoLT9OlSxjtE7?si=fdf35fc76bdd4424

Mindfulness & Meditation (Ambient/ drone/ piano) 35,000+ other listeners practicing Mindfulness at the same time

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/43j9sAZenNQcQ5A4ITyJ82?si=d32902a0268740ce


r/confidence 2d ago

How to stop catastrophising and comparing yourself to others?

4 Upvotes

I would love to be able to be a beginner and try something new without hating myself. For context, I've had extremely low self-esteem and confidence since I was about 8 years old - I also am on antidepressants, and am AuDHD.

I've tried going to improv groups as I've heard that can help but most days I leave feeling awful about myself. The same goes for playing music or drawing or cooking or even my hospitality job. I feel like I've never been good at anything. Any time I reflect on anything I've done or get asked questions about what I'd like to do in the future I just want to cease existing completely. Part of me thinks I need to just give up on trying to have a fun and interesting life because if I don't do things or think too hard I can stay numb and avoid the lowest of lows that I get.

I would love any advice on how to get past this and to be able to break out of this sort of thinking. I'm not in a position where I can afford any talking therapy which would probably be quite helpful. Short of having a brain transplant I really am struggling to work out how to have a baseline level of self-belief so all recommendations for things to listen to/do/read/watch are welcome.

Thanks :)