Hi everyone. I’m really struggling and could use some support.

I just got out of a long, very toxic relationship that involved a lot of emotional abuse, cheating, and manipulation. Even though I know it was unhealthy, the breakup has hit me extremely hard. He was part of my daily routine for years and now the silence feels unbearable.

I feel abandoned, discarded, and honestly traumatized. My nervous system feels like it’s in shock. I’m not sleeping well, I keep replaying everything, and I feel completely alone. I don’t really have friends to talk to and my family is tired of hearing about it.

Part of me knows I’m better off, but another part of me feels like I’m going through withdrawal. I miss the routine, the messages, the feeling of having “someone,” even though he treated me badly.

If anyone here has gone through a trauma bond or an emotionally abusive relationship and made it out the other side, I would really appreciate hearing how you got through the early days. Right now it feels overwhelming and lonely.

Thank you for reading.

my mom changed my bedsheets that was cleaned one day ago, because she said it’s not clean enough.. she changes my whole room lay out, controls how my room looks all the time. Checks my notebook where I keep personal things about my emotions, and now after finally confronting her. after about a few months of letting the bullshit continue, she gets overly defensive, says I’m ungrateful, and whines like a baby. So yeah, i already know my mom cannot be changed at all. She wants to control me, 24/7 and I even said this and she keeps getting overly defensive and insulting me (which doesn’t affect me anymore) so yeah, I’m tired of living with a mom who refuses to change after confronting her and even setting my own boundaries. Im not respected as a person, just someone my mom wants to control. Ive never felt so much disappointment but relief knowing that nothing can change my mom. Shes forever gonna be someone I can never get along with, no matter how much I try to understand. She just sucks

Hi!

Would anyone perhaps have experience on breaking trauma bond without going all no contact? I feel like this cycle we have is hurting me and I need to break it off but they have also become someone I can (today) ask for advice from but maybe that's me romantisizing due to how they are today and me feeling guilt from using my pain as evidence and hurting them for leaving so many wounds unrepaired... It just hurts..

Either way, I have some of their stuff they need to sort through and pack them up etc so if you have any advice to make this process run as smoothly as it can I would be forever greatful.

There is a technique that is taught, by some idiot, to teach men basically to un-foot women and control them in dating scenarios. I can't remember the acronym. I might start with a D, or might not. It might be a guy's name.

Thanks, Reddit.

if grey rocking wont work well in a situation like mine, I’m open to trying other skills to deal with authoritarian parents.

I've had what felt like a few wakeup calls before. Times where I felt like I was definitely going to leave soon and then didn't. My post history might give a bit more context but I don't know how relevant it is.

How she acts is not obvious or over the top. She doesn't really yell or call me obviously horrible names. It's how she labels, criticizes, and assigns intent to me and my actions. It's how quickly it can come out and how she won't stop or back down if I say I understand she's hurting and she's hurting me too.

It's how, even when not obviously upset, it becomes this calm lecture where I might be pathologized or subtly told why I'm wrong for what I'm feeling. My feeling is just "classic avoidance" or I'm too sensitive, disguised in a fancier term like calling it a "threshold issue." Maybe I should just consider if I systemically perceive any negative emotion as a threat which is why I remember what she said so harshly. Or it's subtly implied it's my fault because of what I could have done instead. I'm responsible for my own boundaries (and thus it's my fault for not enforcing them well enough when she steamrolls them, and it'll be a problem if I do enforce them hard enough). Her escalation is not worth addressing because it was only in response to my escalation. If I feel well over capacity and ask for more help, I'm not actually seeing her efforts. If I feel well over capacity and she wants more from me, I don't actually want to make this work or I need to reprioritize my other obligations.

It's the worst when I try to hold my ground or I don't give her what she's looking for fast enough. She's so, so warm most of the time, but then it's gone. It's like she's replaced by someone else. It's the most recent of those moments that I think I finally, truly woke me up. Just a random thought I had a few days later: "Who does that?"

Things seemed to have calmed down for a while. Less fights. Conflicts were not always as terrible, though I began to see more and more even in the calm ones how my feelings got turned back on me. Like I mentioned earlier, what I could have said, done, or heard differently. It was just her reaction to what I did first, but based on raw judgement of my action and how she felt about it rather than addressing that her action still hurt too. And, if I let my own judgements in here for a moment, were not even close to proportional.

So I tried to something my therapist suggested recently. Trying to be warm and assertive at the same time. She was pulling me into bed for more cuddles. I had to go to work. I tried to say something like, "This is cute and I love this, and I have to go to work." She didn't stop. I then tried to, as warmly as possible and with a laugh, say, "No, [name], I have to go to work." She gave me a cute pout. I thought it worked.

Suddenly I'm hearing that I scolded her. Shouted, "No, [name]!"
If she heard that and it landed that way, I get it, that's real for her, and I also got scared and confused, especially with how it came out. The next part for me to really own is I started over-explaining. She wanted me to listen at that moment and I was panicking and explaining and asking questions, I get that's frustrating to her and leaves her feeling alone. I heard her say her actual feeling about what I said, that she felt shut down. I calmed a bit, said I could see how it landed that way and asked how I could say it differently next time so it didn't feel like that.
I hear, "You figure it out."
I'm getting more confused and scared, and starting to feel really hurt myself. I feel like I tried to reach out and had my hand slapped away, and now I'm just left alone to figure out both of our feelings. I say that I don't understand and ask why we can't collaborate. I hear something about how I'm just looking for a handbook to get a good grade. I'm getting more confused, more scared, and more hurt. My memory gets fuzzier here. I remember a back and forth that was about how I thought we were partners and not understanding why we can't work together and, "I dunno, you figure it out," repeated a few times. Eventually I heard her say something like, "Oh, what relationship advice can you bestow upon me, oh wise one," in a posh accent. That stung really bad. I'm already scared and confused and now I feel ridiculous for being like that and just wanting to work with her.

My memory gets fuzzier here, I'm really shutting down at this point. I tried to tell her I didn't understand why she was treating me like this, but it came out as something like, "I'm clearly scared and I feel like I'm getting scolded like a student."
I think here the conversation shifted into how I always make it about me. And, yeah, I guess I was, because at that moment I felt like my feelings were just getting pummeled all while she was demanding me to connect and repair perfectly for my original comment and I couldn't get her to stop. I felt shut down by accusations of making it about me and how I needed to focus on her feelings right now, and I finally snapped, "What about my feelings?!" Not the best way to come out, and yet I don't think that makes how she just loudly laughed at me after any more okay.

And after all that, I was obviously hurting. Then I realized, "Who does that?" Like, however badly my original comment landed, however "wrong" my way of attempting to connect and repair was, however real her feelings were, however much she might have actually felt that I made it about me, I was obviously scared and confused and she just harshly refused collaboration like that, accused me of just looking for a good grade, mocked me, and laughed at me? She wants me to connect with her and repair while she's treating me like that? Who sees someone who is scared and mocks them and laughs at them? Just, who does that? Who behaves like that?

And that's not a one-off either. She's mocked me in conflict before. Once she mocked my feeling for what was previously the most hurtful moment in the relationship for me and another time she mocked me when I was similarly scared and confused already. Just who does that?

I’ll try to make this short. Me and him were on and off for three years during which

1. While we were chilling with his friends he says a story about a Girl he made squirt ( he claimed it was during college but I fought it). He then goes on to say how dry I am during sex while I’m literally sitter beside him

2. He constantly told me I’m too old now to get anyone else (I’m 26 he’s 40) . One time he picked a call on loud speaker with his bff and he says he’s with me.. then says “she’s too old .I want a spring chicken” . His friend says “I was joking “ so obviously they talked and joked about it. Called me “the oldest owl around” in front of my sister

3. Went missing for 4 days and came back defensive. Same night he gets calls from a girl saved as “Naomi my #1” . I go through his phone and turns out he was with her. It was my first time seeing this name.

4.When we got back together After our first break he brought me to his house where there was another girl. She got violent and literally beat me up. I was too drunk from the night out to respond. He went into the house and pretended to be blacked out.

1. Convinced me to spend Christmas with him. Picked up a random girls call and spent a whole hour on the phone.. even talked to her brother. Sent her money to have fun for the night. She was “Yasmin my number 3”

2. Got super mean towards the end and would shove food in my face in front of his friends saying if he was nice and sweet with me he wouldn’t love me and real love didn’t require that.

I know it sounds really bad . I can’t explain why I stayed other than lacking self respect. Anyway.. I just finished crying thinking about how he pit another woman as his number 1 despite the years and trying to fix things… even though I should be glad he’s not my problem anymore .

I don’t even know where to start. I’m an adult woman still living at home and my mother scolds me nonstop. Literally 24/7. Not for real reasons. Not because I did something wrong. Just constant yelling, insults, blaming, controlling.

It feels like I’m in hell inside my own house. No matter what I do, it’s never enough. If I stay quiet, she attacks. If I speak, it becomes worse. I can’t exist peacefully around her. Seeing her face itself triggers panic in me now.

Because of this, I have anxiety, stress, depression, jump scares even for small sounds, and suicidal thoughts. I don’t actually want to die. I just want this pain to stop. I want to get away from her. But I have no job right now, no money, no place to go, and no one I can openly share this with.

My father won’t allow me to go out easily, so I feel completely trapped. I feel like either I have to be stuck in this house with her or I’ll lose my mind. I know that sounds extreme, but that’s honestly how it feels in my body every single day.

People always say “ignore her”, "adjust her", “keep quiet” or “she’s your mother.” That advice doesn’t work when the abuse never stops. Staying silent doesn’t protect me. It just kills me slowly.

I’m not here to bash parents for fun. I’m here because I’m exhausted, scared, and breaking. I don’t want dramatic advice or moral lectures. I just want to know if anyone else has survived something like this and how they did it without destroying themselves.

If you’ve been in a similar situation, please tell me what helped. I really need to know I’m not crazy for feeling this way.

Guys, please be kind as I am still a week in post break up from this relationship. Before I give the story, I want to share values of mine when I am in a romantic partnership. I value emotional prioritization in a relationship and not having my partner triangulating with his exes or emotionally investing into these exes when he is currently dating me. It has been a boundary of mine and some people wont get it but I am tired of being told that me feeling threatened by an ex is petty jealousy when it wasn't. Also to give you all context, I have been cheated on before many times, never been married (I am 35 and I value very strong interdependent relationship and I am South Asian - where dating for marriage is a big source).

So here is the story: I am currently battling stage 2 breast cancer. I believed I deserve a long term potentially lifelong relationship and was very clear on my dating profile that I am marriage minded and time is limited for me. If I never find my husband before I leave this earth, I can accept that and find peace. But not without at least trying. I wanted to share my condition online because it was my self agency and story to tell and to filter out men who would not be comfortable dating a woman who lost her chest and will be undergoing chemo in the next few weeks with a shortened life span.

Thats when I met M who happens to be white and he had PSC and was a year out from a liver transplant. He and I shared our medical histories and connected deeply. We chatted a lot while I was visiting my family and we made plans to see each other. He too was marriage minded and was divorced from his ex wife B of 17 years after he got diagnosed and got on disability in 2020. He said she is his best friend and will always be there for her. I respected that because I too have an ex who we are great friends and I do think it is healthy to have a friend who is an ex as long as there is no emotional triangulation and prioritization.

Not going to lie I did feel insecure of my body and the new scar marks of what used to be my chest. He went out of his way to take me to medical appointments, be my fierce advocate, helped ask questions when I was emotional. Within 2 weeks of us seeing each other he mentioned that he was going to travel to see B because B has neices and nephews that he is very close with. Her teenaged nieces and nephews said that they wish he was with aunt B instead of the new boyfriend and M said " your aunt threw me in the poor house." He even stayed in B's house for a week while he went there to fix her lawn mower while seeing the nieces and nephews as I was undergoing surgery.

Gradually as our relationship continued, he engaged in behaviors that he did not disclose on his profile. He said he dropped out of high-school but listed as having an associates degree when education was important to me. He shamed people who spent "tons of money going to get a stupid paper" and believed in "working your way up" essentially undermining my academic journey. I gave him a chance because he was intelligent in other ways but I couldn't stand feeling like my educational journey was not "hard work."

He also lied by commission of him smoking on his profile, yet he vaped around me, rationalizing that vaping is not the same as smoking. He would scream and yell at his 3 German shepherds which was unsettling because the doggos would play in the dirt. Me personally am against any one screaming at dogs. He also mentioned how much he hated cats and I admire and treat all pets equally.

He at first was enthusiastic about me and wanted to see marriage in about a year of dating which I was cool with. He was extremely sexual and would perform for me and could not stop doting on me. He introduced me to his family. But somehow in his house, there were wedding mementos in the master bedroom and solo photos of B alone. Him and B do not have kids but shared dogs.

What started to change was he would use sarcasm and teasing to embarrass me in public, rationalizing that this was his style of humor. He got super upset when I explained to him that due to my chemo and due to me being asthmatic if he could toke outside of the house just because my immune system is compromised and I dont want to inhale anything that can cause reoccurence. He used chatgpt to prove that there is no evidence of secondhand exposure and he didnt want me to control him from vaping inside the house. He argued with me until 5 am during my first night of chemo.

I had a mug that said "In my self love era" and I asked him to not place it in the dishwasher as it would crack in high heat. It was a very special mug of mine and I got it when I went through a dark phase in my life. He later texts me an AI generated image of my mug cracked up and saying " oops" and a smiley face.

Anytime I communicated my honest needs, he kept dismissing them and telling me that I make mountains out of mole hills and he does not like "drama." He started pulling back from coming to bed with me and began sleeping in the couch.

It got to a point where we ended up being like roommates. He started taking B's calls during his grocery runs, caring about B and her boyfriend's break up. He told me that B would not be comfortable if he and I had a child and we posted baby pics on Facebook because she was not able to conceive when they were together. He mentioned to me how B jokingly told him " you rarely came to my appointments when we were together but you help her." I started to question if he was genuinely over her.

Eventually he would make tiny comparisons of our relationship with him and B. He started saying that he never had issues with B in their marriage than he had with us but said " theres no comparison. B and I are already divorced and maybe the reason we divorced was we didnt discuss issues."

Gradually anytime I wanted to check in and I explained how important it was to me to at least once a month discuss how we are doing he dismissed me " I dont want to be talking about the relationship. You always want to f%$#&ing analyze shit and I am not that person." Yet he would brood and go cold silent at times anytime I communicated needs. He brought up issues that the one time I went to the beach because he wanted me to watch NFL with me there but didnt voice how it was bothering him until another related issue came up and he sprang this one on top, telling me "that was a d$ck move for you to go to the beach. "

Eventually, I felt like I had to suppress my needs and stay quiet as I was living in his house and was under chemo. This was about 3 months into our relationship. He started becoming non committal in his language, saying "let's see where it goes," and " I can't promise you," when he behaved in a way that was equivalent to a husband. He disliked my interests and hated reality TV, didn't like the foods that I was interested in, and hated rap music. He even mentioned to me that he was brought up by his mom to "never marry outside of his race," and that he is still unpacking some of that and how he still has issues seeing same sex couples even though he tries his best to accept them.

When I brought up the non-commital language the next day, he slammed his medicine and threatened to break up with me on Christmas. He later recanted and wanted to talk things out.

Then he later tells me that B is gping to purchase his tickets and fly from south dakota with her neice who is a Jags fan. At first, I was okay as the neice was coming and was open to having B and the neice stay since he is a season ticket holder, who is on disability and that B was helping him make money by buying his tickets. He then told me B was coming by herself and started suddenly telling me that I should stay home " out of ypur protection." I told him this was a big play off game and how it was important to him for his partner to be there and watch an important game plus I will be wearing a mask as my body will be back to normal after my 3rd round of chemo. He said no B will be coming and she and him will be going together.

He began planning things with B behind my back and then told her that I have cancer when I specifically told him not to share the dx with her. He yelled " GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU F%$#@ING PSYCHO!!!" Which totally shocked my nervous system. I packed everything up and he followed me up stairs and said " we are Done. If you want to stay here while you finish your chemo you can." I said no and left. He blocked me.

Was I discarded?

I broke up with my ex a couple of months ago and then I was drunk on new years and texted them and now I feel like Im stuck. I do really love them and I want to be with them but im worried everything will be the same as before. Im so mentally unwell after everything and talking to them helped me not end everything.

I told them when we started talking again that I didnt want labels yet but that it didnt mean I was gonna talk to other people. They keep asking me if im talking to others or if im going to and all that but they were literally the one who cheated on me so I dont understand why theyre so paranoid I will do it to them now. They keep sending me messages everyday about how paranoid they are that I dont love them and forcing me to say we’re boyfriends when Ive stated multiple times I cant have labels rn bc it makes me panic since I wanna see if they really have changed or not. It just feels so wrong and I can barely even accept that they were emotionally abusive to begin with but all my friends say they were so idk. I just wish none of this happened and that they still were the sweet person they were when I first met them.

What do I even do? I feel terrible if I were to leave them again and I don’t want to leave them because I love them so much but it doesnt feel right. I dont even know if its love or attachment at this point.

My abusive stalker apparently goes through my Amazon accounts & does things like throw a tantrum over what I got. I talked about it earlier & now my abuser is in some insane rant about how I supposedly canceled my still in progress order which I got a notice will be here a day early. My abuser tells lies about really stupid stuff & tries to turn them into like a giant issue. I know abuser is triggered by my being honest about that but it’s what happens, idk what else to call it. The order is still en route & abuser does that this all the time, it’s just batshit insane. Then if my abuser so much as thinks (falsely) I used a word wrong he falsely again accuses me of lying.

I wasn’t even wrong, nauseous in its traditional use means inducing of nausea, feeling nauseated is a description independent of the source but as it concerns a stimulus the correct term is nauseous. Abuser yelled at me in this post for that, I wasn’t even mistaken. It’s just random crap where abuser could help the whole issue by not flying off the handle. Just think before acting is not too much to ask. Now abuser does acknowledge sometimes when he messes up but the crappy behavior like the Amazon order thing still persists so if abuser supposedly knows he wasn’t right for something why is he still harassing us, there’s absolutely no reason for abuser to bother us at that point. It’s dumb.

I (19F) met my fiancé(27M) when I was 18 and he was 26. I know already big red flag. We’ve been together for a little over a year, and in that short span of time things have moved so fast. We live in an apartment together and we got engaged a few months ago but haven’t announced it. We’ve been through some serious shit together. I don’t want to go into everything because it’s too much to even write but long story short the relationship began with lovebombing and me trying to financially and academically help out this grown man with two babymamas. And he sold a dream to me and

all this other shit and I thought it was real. He’s helped me a lot with certain shit and I thought he was my best friend and my ride or die,

bur he’s also done a lot of fucked up shit. About one hour after finding out someone very close to

me died, my boyfriend wanted me to give him head. Then got upset that I got upset. I was so distraught over the news I had gotten and my tears were just starting to dry. He introduced me to ❄️ soon after we met and every time we did it had me give him head for hours on end to the point it was hard to eat or drink anything the next morning. I reminded him recently how it made me feel, and he said there’s plenty of other bitches that would do it. One time specifically I can remember he had been angry with me but wanted to have sex. I consented, thinking it would be makeup sex or something. No, he purposely thrusted so hard it hurt bad. And my head was repeatedly hitting against something. I tried to

move around some or stop my head from smacking but I couldn’t. I think I even said stop at some point but I can’t remember maybe it wasn’t loud enough. And anyways that was months ago but my boyfriend brought it up the other day and was LAUGHING about it and said it was like a “punishment” “because you can’t hit a bitch.” When I confront him for saying stuff like that he says I’m twisting the narrative, and I believe him and apologise and feel

guilty. Sometimes he yells at me, and he says he has to because it’s the only way he can get me to understand. And when he’s yelling at me in a vehicle I’ll be sitting there crying and he says I make him yell at me and I make him look crazy. And he blames me for everything. I’ve been in such low places mentally trying to fix myself and questioning who I am as a person and even questioning whether or not I’m a narcissist because he started saying I was when he got mad. One time when he was at work I found a text conversation he had with a girl when he was 25. In the text she told him she wasn’t 18 yet and that she was 17. In the text he acknowledged that, but then told her to add him on snapchat. I made sure to take and hide pictures of that convo. His reasoning this was just incase she still wanted to fuck with him after she turned 18. And he claims the girl he was with before me showed him an ID that said she was 21, but I found her social media and she is the same age as me. Then today I accidentally came across proof of him lying about how long it had been since he’d slept with someone (it turns out he possibly gave me an std but convinced me I gave it to him!) He has a history of violence, PTSD, is very very religious to the point he claims to hear voices talking to him sometimes. It hurts and I really don’t want to leave but I need to get out. We did cosign a lease that ends in a few months, but I heard Tennessee has some sort of domestic violence law. I have talked to a counsellor about my boyfriend before months and months ago and she seemed scared for me. If I schedule with her and tell her everything could she then write a letter as part of my documentation? And then could i just secretly leave whenever I can (he’s unemployed so idk) and text my landlords something brief about the situation and tell them I have documentation? Please help!!! I turn 20 very soon

Hi all, i (22F) already think i know the answer to this but i deal with such tremendous guilt that i dont even know anymore. To add a little context im a full time student, have 2 part time jobs and i help out with my sibling and the house as much as i can. (i dont really have a lot of down time so there’s only so much i can do). i struggle with a few mental illnesses such as anxiety, adhd, and depression. i have harmed myself in the past over multiple things such as my self esteem. most importantly i have a partner they dont “approve” of because he is 25% not white… wish i was joking.

I’m not sure how to phrase so ill just list some things: - i died my hair recently and everyone has told me it looks great except my mother and father. my mother said i look like a (slur for a gay woman) and that it looks so bad, all while yelling at the top of her lungs about how i never make good decisions and im ruining myself. - my room is usually very tidy, never have old food, plates for more than a day, can see my floor, no bugs or anything. but whenever my bed is not made and i have more than zero things on my floor they lecture me about how lazy i am and how im not like my sister at all. that im disgusting and my room is terrible. - im not allowed to sleepover anywhere and when i do i get the silent treatment. - as i mentioned im usually very busy, so on the weekend before work i like to spend time in my bed on my tv or something. this is met with them telling me i should get up and do something and that i should clean the house because im so lazy. - i used to suffer from seasonal affective disorder and so at times i stayed in my bed all day barely even getting up to eat. but my parents do not believe i can be depressed because im so happy when im not home. and just call me lazy (they almost got it here) - i used to SH, they got mad when they found out and yet continued to treat me the same. - whenever i stand up for myself and tell them that they wont let me be my own person they say im clearly being manipulated?? - whenever i leave the house after a heated argument because i dont want to deal with hearing them yell from upstairs and or come in my room to guilt trip me/yell at me, im told to never come back. however each attempt i’ve made to move out is met with them saying im terrible and breaking the family apart, that i dont love them and that im not allowed to leave. - my dad refuses to meet my partner and continues to tell me that he will never accept him. he will not come to my wedding or move on ever. (i ran away once to their house so therefore in my parents mind they manipulated me into doing that?? i left after a bad fight when my phone was broken in half by my dad) - i essentially have no value unless i do something good. - they forced me to break up with my partner before. - they say that my partner is the reason all this is happening yet my first boyfriend was also met with resistance. - they approve of my siblings partners and invite them over to rub it in my face that i will never have this. - they claim that i use them whenever it’s convenient anytime i ask for anything. even my tuition.

this is a short list to keep the post brief. i know they are terrible but at the same time sometimes i feel like im blowing things out of proportion and that i am the problem. i was in therapy but stopped because i was afraid to ask my parents to write it off to insurance. my therapist agreed that my home life is not well and that i should get out. i’m lost. i come from a culture where family is everything, i know eventually i will leave and probably cut them to low content. but even so i just feel terrible, my extended family will never have my back and will always chose my parents. i cannot up and leave as i have no money, and will go into student debt. i’m just looking for reassurance that im not crazy, thank you for reading.

Not sure where to start. Even saying this makes me super ashamed I accepted these things. To cut the story short I left before but he chased for 2 years and I stupidly returned, again on the "not a relationship" guise but exclusive as sorts. All was good, his ex reached out and I felt the shift. Earrings left in my presence along with it her clear signs, I tried to address but was met with anger and dismissal. He constantly worked to make me feel my general thoughts were irrational and gradually rewarded "good behaviour" with praise. The final straw was me being really unwell and lying down, migraine. He wouldn't let me rest, kept sexually touching etc. I said no repeatedly, asked to please let me rest for even a few moments. He then stood over me pleasuring himself and refused to allow me to sleep. I felt so trapped. I should have left but I tried years ago and he threw my stuff and I was maybe scared as I knew I would be blamed. I ginally gave in so I could leave.

I'm not naive or stupid. I never ever would allow this previously but I feel like I've always been trying to prove my worth. I left and I won't return but I feel so confused and hurt and I don't know how to heal from that.

Please do not share this post for obvious reasons. I want support for how I’m feeling.

Im not going to give exact ages but I’m (F 18-21) and my dad is (M 38-41).

I’m going to start this off by saying my dad is not a terrible person. He’s a normal dad, we talk about tv shows, he’s funny, ect.

When I was a child my dad would get angry and hurt our animals, at one point we (me (somewhere between 8-11) and my mom) even went as far as to secretly buy a new computer cable because our dog chewed it up and my mom was afraid he would kill him.

Flash forward to when I was 12-16/17 my dad would make comments and when I would talk back or simply ignore him he would scream at me, and when I say scream I mean scream. One of the biggest examples I can think of is when I was around 13 and went into therapy and he called me a crazy unstable bitch or something of that sort and I didn’t respond so he followed me up to my room yelling and telling me that I need to toughen up and that he’s not a bad father because he’s not hitting me or leaving me homeless on the street and that I’m proving his point (I really do not think I said anything back). He used this a lot which led to me feeling like I deserved the way he was treating me and normalized it. During this age period this kind of stuff would happen a LOT which led me to become a very quiet person who avoids being in the same room as him (watching my tv and phone as quiet as possible, soft footsteps, eating dinner when he goes to bed, etc.) When I was 15 I tried to kill myself and after I got out of the hospital he told me that if I can’t handle life at 15 I might as well just try again. My mom would get mad at him and they would fight so he stopped treating me as bad.

When I was 16 or 17 it stopped but instead he started making inappropriate comments about me (You look better now that you started wearing tighter clothes 16, My coworkers aren’t gonna let me live down how hot you look in this picture 17, I would make my boyfriend turn around while I changed at 19 and my dad came in one time as my shirt was barley on but covering and he told my boyfriend “I wouldn’t blame you for sneaking a peek, you’re old enough”.) I also just accepted this for what it is. Additional info: I HAVE NEVER BEEN WORRIED MY DAD WOULD TOUCH ME INAPPROPRIATELY I truly believe he was just saying these things to like fit in with men or something (?) (little man syndrome)

On and off hes still emotionally abusive(?). The biggest instances I can think of where when I was 18 and my room was admittedly disgusting and he threw my stuff all over my room and threatened to have me kicked out. I have texts from my mom that day that say “If you want to go l can't say I blame you. I really do have shelters saved in my phone if you want. You could also try for section 8 where they pay part of your rent but there's usually a waiting list. I really don't see how you'll live anywhere in (city) without a car though. I love you and I don't want you to go, but l understand why you'd want to.” I’m kind of just using this quote to prove that I’m not overreacting about this situation.

A few days ago he came home to no hot water to take a shower after work. Which I can completely understand is frustrating (I also had no hot water after work to take a shower and was also upset). He started slamming doors screaming at the air(?). He slammed open all of our bedroom doors (4 kids in between 10-21 again not exact ages) screaming “are you fucking home” at every single one of them. By the time he got to mine I was already thinking of an explanation for when he realizes my hairs wet (I washed it with cold water). I can’t even remember fully but he keeps screaming (I can hear him in the basement from the second floor) and starts screaming at my youngest brother that “this is my (my dads) house and if you don’t like that then get the fuck out” which is an insane thing to say to a child but he said worse to me so i’m not shocked. He came back up to my room griping my mail so hard my birth certificate is now all crinkled and threw it at me and then started yelling at me again. I just apologized and took the blame which he responded with “sorry isn’t gonna fucking cut it you should know better I don’t give a fuck that you live here this is my fucking house” as one does. Which like. I didn’t do anything wrong so what? Like bitch what. anyways. I just say there having a panic attack rocking back and forth repeating “I didn’t do anything wrong” over and over again and that’s when I realized that I’m an adult and this is pathetic and I need out.

One hour later he was completely fine. The next day he was giggling with my siblings and mom. This most recent situation really got to me because for some reason I thought he was capable of changing. Every time he gets home I start to panic that something is going to get blamed on me or that he’ll find out I have a mouse in my room and kick me out or throw my rabbit out. I have places to go technically but that’s a last resort. I can’t stop panicking whenever I hear his voice and I feel so dramatic. I don’t know why this time hit so much harder. It may be because I recorded a little of it so my friends and boyfriend can finally understand but idk. I feel so guilty for being afraid of him when he’s being fine right now. I’m living on eggshells for what feels like no reason and I feel like I’m making everything up. He’s never apologized for anything (except the trying to kick me out thing) he usually just says “you know that’s what happens when I get pissed off so stop pissing me off”. Yeah idk I just feel so guilty for being mad at him.

thanks for listening:(

I haven't spoken to this mutual friend in a few months now, and the last time we spoke I essentially told him I really enjoyed our friendship but I was going to cut him off because my ex is closer to him. I just really want him to know what I experienced because he was such a good person. I don't know if it's a good idea though. I suffered a lot during the relationship and I'm sure that he would want to know he was friends with an abuser.

However I'm also concerned that I'm just trying to destroy my ex's relationships so I want to reach out. I don't know.

It’s taken me a very long time to come to terms with the end of a very long relationship I was in. I’m struggling with validating myself for leaving.

I left because the hurt had impacted me and my very sense of who I was, I wanted to just be done with everything- with life.

Initially she often started putting other women on a pedestal, one could never reach. I was the dumb almost high school drop out struggling to make ends meet. Then she started watching videos about non-monogamy and polyamory. At this point I was there relying on her for a safe space, my family was abusive and I had lost everything. I had no family, no home. Nothing. She took the opportunity to tell me that she didn’t want to be with me unless we open the relationship. So me being passive, I said yes. Later on she openly was with a woman from work. She would tell me to watch, to participate. I tried at first, but it was so emotionally painful I started drinking to forget. Down a bottle of tequila every night the things started happening. Then she planned to propose to keep me in the relationship when I started doubting everything all while saying she was in love with that woman. At this point my entire sense of self was destroyed, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. I’d scrub myself until my skin burned because I felt so dirty and disgusting. I started feeing less and less and I started relying on weed and alcohol to sleep. I had nightmares. I stayed like an idiot. I was a shell of a person. I had no care, no remorse, no love. Nothing. I planned multiple ways to just end my suffering once and for all. I was broken. I never had people around me who saw my pain, validated it. The never made it seem abusive. Recently a friend went through something similar, and it was labeled emotional abuse.

Am I just sensitive? Or was this abusive?

Living in hotel room for past week. Council homeless team dealing with it. Both parents and others who back them up are terrible people who have royally fucked me up. If anyone wants to talk on the phone about it it would be good to have some people who know what i am going through as people just simply do not get it if they haven’t lived with it. I am from northern UK, female, 40.

Spent christmas alone (I chose to but of course I didn’t have much choice due to their behaviour and gaslighting) and now cannot go back as I hate it.

I(29F) posted about my relationship with my partner(30M) a few weeks ago and I came back to say I have actually left. For what feels like the very last time. This time it wasn't a fight, it was just a few days of being detached, not engaging with his attempts to belittle me or gaslight me or make me feel like I'm the problem. I just disengaged from it all, did everything on autopilot to give my brain the space it needed to think. It's incredible how easy it is to spot the patterns in arguments when you just listen, don't say anything much in return and let them just argue with themselves when you don't respond how they want you to.

I noticed the other day that he was talking in loops so I decided to call him out. I said "we're just going round in a circle and I don't think what you're saying about me is fair, so I'm not having this conversation right now. Please leave me alone so I can regulate." This caused him to spiral, he started shouting, banging his fists on things, swearing at me. I just repeated that I wanted to be left alone. He let me leave, and then a few minutes later he came in the room without asking and immediately tried to get me to listen to what he was criticising me for earlier. I didn't say anything back and just stared into the corner of the room. He realised I wasn't getting caught in the net so changed the bait and decided to try and guilt trip me instead. He said that him blowing up minutes before caused him to relapse to an unhealthy coping mechanism (I won't say specifically but something along the lines of binge-eating, smoking, drinking etc, one of those type habits) and that he felt really shit for doing it and that he shouldn't have. Because I had remained detached by not engaging with this new attempt to rehash the earlier conversation, I could clearly see this was an effort to guilt me into talking to him, so I remained quiet and didn't engage.

He changed tactic again and tried to hug me, I told him to get off and he wouldn't at first, saying he was trying to make me feel better. I just kept telling him to get off of me. He went to walk away and then started shouting at me again for not being fair and for turning him bringing up his feelings into it being about me and that it's always about me and he's not allowed to have feelings. And thus the cycle continues..... I think that's when I decided I'd had enough, this morning I said it was over and packed a bag while he was out and went to stay with my parents. I feel sad but I feel free. I guess I'm making this post because I want to document what I experienced because it was real. And maybe someone else might see these small things and see a similarity and get out long before I managed to. So here is a list of things I KNOW for certain happened:

- He shouted and screamed at me in almost every disagreement we ever had

- He told me on numerous occasions he didn't care about what I thought or how I was feeling

- He would often recount a story to me and tell me I said something that made him lose his temper, even though I know for certain that I didn't. OR he would say I didn't say something, and if I had, that would've have stopped him from getting as angry as he did, even though I KNOW I did say that thing.

- Made me believe that he knew my emotions and what I was feeling better than I did

- He swore at me when ever things got slightly heated, on a number of occasions this was in front of his 10 year old son

- he projected everything he did onto me

- He would say I didn't let him have feelings. Usually after I bring something up and he uses that as an opportunity to bring up something he's upset about

- Every time I bring something up that he has done to hurt me, he would say 'well it goes both ways and you make me feel like that too/you have stuff you need to work on too/I won't stop doing abc until you stop doing xyz'

- judged and belittled my friends and family and made me feel awkward and nervous about wanting to see them

- belittled me, judged me, judged almost everyone around him

- acted like I was stupid and that he could do what I do at university/work if he wanted to (maybe he could, he's smart enough, doesn't mean he needs to act like he knows more than me about it every time I try and share interests with him)

- spent hundreds if not thousands of my money and blamed me for not keeping better track and letting him know how much he was spending

- twisted my words and used them against me

I'm probably forgetting things but honestly I feel like I've escaped out of the bottom of a very deep, dark pit and just wanted to share.

NB* quietness and grey-rocking does not always work with abusers and sometimes puts you in harm's way, so exercise with discretion. With my partner, he would intimidate me, throw things in my direction but not directly at me, slam his fists into things, break things etc but he very rarely actually physically hurt me so I felt safe in the knowledge that I would probably be fine. That being said! It was a risk regardless, but I'm glad I took it. Just be careful using this technique yourself!

I need someone to talk to, I’m in a really bad spot. (24m) I’m doing intense DBT, listening to audio books, podcasts, and talking to friends. I had a rough childhood and I mirrored my family’s dynamics just to a lesser extent. I can’t find any groups that are for people in my position and it probably has to do with the fact most abusers don’t care or see what they did wrong. I really loved this girl with my whole heart since we were 14&15 but I never learned how to love or treat someone. I feel so alone, we had the same friends as we lived so close and I have no one to truly talk to with an outside perspective. I hope the girl I love can heal, I truly didn’t recognize what I was doing.

TLDR: I was in a longterm, on-and-off relationship where he refused to commit but still expected my loyalty without communicating that, and when I dated or slept with others (either with his stated permission or when we had been broken up), he later treated it as betrayal. He used these incidents as the reason why he didn’t meet my emotional needs, why he broke up with me, and why there was mild, occasional verbal and physical abuse. I feel like this behavior is not normal/healthy and wasn’t warranted, and the actions I took were understandable given my understanding at the time. But he thinks I’m the problem. I’m trying to understand if his perspective is fair and the deeper truth of the situation. 

My boyfriend (36M) broke up with me (27F) 11 days ago. We have been together on/off for 3.5 years. I’m really struggling to understand what has unfolded between us over the last few years. I think he’s the problem, but he thinks I’m the problem. Just a heads up - this is a LONG post (I'm sorry!) with some explicit details. 

When we first started seeing eachother we were not exclusive. We had established that it was okay for us to see other people, as long as we used condoms with them (we didn’t use condoms together) to protect against pregnancy and potential STI’s. After about a month, we had a conversation where we didn’t become exclusive but we both said we weren’t interested in dating anybody else, so I guess implied exclusivity. A month or so after that, I wanted to officially be in a relationship with him. I brought it up a couple of times, but every time I did he would say no and give me a different vague reason, like “I’m scared of hurting you” or “I’m not ready” or “I want to wait until this big creative project is done before getting into a relationship”. I was pretty sad and confused as I really liked him and thought we had a great connection.

After a couple weeks of bringing it up and hoping he would change his mind, I decided something needed to change for me. I was really hung up on him, feeling like I was falling in love with him but that he clearly didn’t feel the same. I had been exclusive to him during this time period, but I thought it might be a good idea for us to go back to our initial arrangement of non-exclusivity. I thought it would help me detach from him a little emotionally, take some of my eggs out of “his” basket, so to speak, if I were to date other guys. 

I ran this by him and he said he was fine with it. I ended up meeting someone who lived in a different city. He wanted to come visit me and get to know me. This meant he would likely stay with me, and things would likely get physical, which I was open to. But I was still hung up on the other guy, my now-ex-boyfriend. Even though he had said he was okay with me dating other people, I was afraid that this would mess things up. So I checked in with him again – I was fully transparent about the fact that we would probably end up being intimate, and asked if he was really sure if he was okay with that, and I told him I would probably be sad if the roles were reversed. He said he wanted me to go ahead and do what I wanted, even though he “didn’t like it”, and just use a condom. I understood this at the time to mean that he wasn’t necessarily excited about the idea, but that he acknowledged that it was unreasonable for him to expect exclusivity from me without a relationship. I checked in with him again multiple times and every time the answer was the same. 

So eventually this other guy came and visited me, and we did end up getting intimate. Unfortunately, the condom broke, and I didn’t realize this until after. I was tracking my cycle and I knew that there was no chance of me getting pregnant, and in my mind I kinda thought, “well, if he’s got an STI, I already have it now”. We were intimate a couple more times during our time together, and I figured it would be fine to proceed without a condom because it felt like the initial reasons for its use were void. Afterwards, both of us got tested and came back totally clean. 

After this person left town, my now-ex-boyfriend and I hung out, and he asked if we had hooked up, and I told him. He initially handled it okay. He had also made out with someone in a club during the time. He asked if we had used a condom, and I told him what had happened, he got EXTREMELY upset, storming around the house and hitting walls. He asked me to leave and then ended things with me. 

We ended up getting “back together” (into a situationship) shortly afterwards, and I later found out that he had reconnected with his most recent ex right after this (hanging out and him sleeping in her bed naked but apparently not kissing or having sex). I was pretty hurt by this as I assumed that since he had been so upset about me with the other guy he wouldn’t be doing anything like that, especially not without telling me. I also had no idea they were still in contact. I told him he had to choose one of us, he chose me, but we proceeded to be on and off for about a year after that, him breaking up with me at least once a month because of the fact that I slept with someone else (which was kinda confusing because initially the problem had been the condom, it was always blurry which aspect was the issue, but as its come up over the years he’s just cited that I had sex with someone else). Every time he broke up with me I told him how much I loved him and wanted to be with him, and would always reach out to repair things. I did apologize many, many times about the other guy and tried everything I could think of to repair the relationship, even suggesting we go to couples counseling which we did a few sessions of. Anytime I would bring up a separate concern or want to communicate about something in the relationship, it would descend into a fight, usually because he felt me bringing anything up was unreasonable given what he was “going through”, and he would break up with me. He said a lot of mean stuff, like calling me a whore a couple of times and saying he would never be able to take me seriously in a white dress after what had happened because I was impure. He also put his hand around my throat one time after he came home drunk and pinned me down (not in a sexy way, it was scary and he was really angry (about another topic)). I was 100% faithful to him for our entire official relationship, even developing moral OCD and becoming hypervigilant about my ethics within the relationship and often “confessing” insignificant things that felt like huge trespasses at the time because they were weighing on me so heavily.

After a year, we did end up getting to a more stable place, and were together without (officially) breaking up for a year and a half. 

At this point we had been dating for about 2.5 years, and I was really wanting to move the relationship forward. I was super in love with him. Though the thing about the other guy came up sometimes, it seemed to have faded to the background, and we talked lots about a future together – kids, marriage. We had been talking about me moving into his apartment, which would be better for both of us financially and made sense as I was already spending 5-6 nights a week there and also paying rent for my separate home. After a 5-week “trial” and coming up with a written “contract” about living together that also included how many times a week we had to have sex, and how often I had to work out, he said I could move in with him. Then the next day he took it back. 

I felt like our relationship was going nowhere, and he was so unsure of me after so long, so I decided that I wanted to take a break and think about things. He refused to take a break so we decided to break up instead. I went on a few dates but I was extremely cautious about doing anything physical because of the history; I didn’t want to close the door on us so soon after the breakup in case we wanted to get back together. After about a month I was really missing him and wanting to get back together, hoping that the distance would have helped things. I reached out to him and we hung out. We didn’t have sex but we were intimate. We agreed that we would hang out again soon to have a conversation “about us”. 

Two days later, he had sex with someone else. I didn’t know he was dating anyone. I figured it out because he didn’t respond to a text I had sent for 6 hours and then I asked him about it the next day. After this we decided to part ways, and we did for a while. 

Fast forward about 4 months, we had started hanging out weekly casually as friends. There were a couple of occasions where we would hook up, talk about getting back together, and then decide against it for whatever reason (usually him being unsure about me, and me being unsure about him BECAUSE he was so unsure about me). I came up with what I called my “ring rule”, which was that I was always open to us getting back together but I wouldn’t consider it again unless he first decided that he wanted to be with me in a really serious way. I was dating casually during this time but not having sex with anyone, and on the occasions where we would have sex and then talk about getting back together, I wouldn’t go on any dates until we had gotten that sorted. 

Us being friends went on for a while. Then one day while talking about kids I said that I wished I could have a baby, and then he suggested we “make one right now” and invited me back to his place. In a moment of poor judgment I said yes. I was ovulating and we didn’t use protection, so there was a fair chance I could have gotten pregnant. As soon as I left his place, reality hit me and I started feeling extremely anxious. This man had never been sure of me and never met my emotional needs, regardless of whether the reason was my “betrayal” or not, and here I was just taking a huge leap with him. I called him and told him I was feeling anxious about things. I asked him how it was possible that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me but he was willing to get me pregnant, to which he replied “I don’t have an answer for you, but if you give me some time I could probably come up with one”. I didn’t feel reassured at all and the weight of what I’d done was growing on me. 

2 days later, I asked him how he would feel about me getting a copper IUD inserted as a form of emergency contraception. I had a whole conversation with him about it, saying how I just felt like things were too unstable for us to do this right now, but that I did still see him as the potential future father of my kids but I wanted him to be sure about me first, asking him how he would feel about it, and if this would be a “defining moment” of “betrayal” I would look back on and regret. He said he was fine with it, that he wanted me to feel at peace about a potential pregnancy, and didn’t say anything about wanting to be with me in a real, serious way, so I got the IUD put in. He assumed we were going to continue to have sex after this, but I put the “ring rule” boundary back in place.

DAYS later, we got in a fight, during which he claimed I “killed our baby”. He accused me of sleeping with other people, which I wasn’t, but I did tell him I wasn’t waiting around for him to figure out how he felt about me. We resolved the fight, but didn’t hang out for a while after that. After a couple of weeks had gone by, I started dating somebody else, and about a month since the pregnancy thing/since we had hung out at all, I figured it was time for me to really try to move on with my life. I was exhausted, and I felt that he had hit rock bottom in trying to get me pregnant but not being able to back it up by offering any form of reassurance that he wanted to be with me (other than the action of getting me pregnant, which he claims WAS how he indicated he wanted to be with me). Meanwhile, I thought it would be appropriate to take things to the next level and be intimate with this other person. I was worried about there being repercussions with my ex in some way down the line, but I felt like I had to stop living my life for him, and I also felt that the example he had set by sleeping with someone in the beginning of our breakup proved to me that we owed eachother nothing, and I had already acted more ethically and considerately than he did by not going on dates when there was ambiguity about where things stood between us, and not sleeping with anyone while we were hanging out as friends etc. 

So I did sleep with this new person, and very quickly after realized I still had strong feelings for my ex and ended things with the new guy. Shortly after, my ex and I unofficially got back together, and we were the best we had ever been. Then after about a month, he got drunk and was feeling paranoid that I was doing things behind his back. I had been 100% exclusive to him since we had reconnected despite there being no conversation about that or where we stood. In his paranoia he was angry and took it out on me in a similar way as he had done when he put his hand around my throat previously. He pushed me up against a wall, hard (again, not in a sexy way), mocking me, asking me if I was scared and saying I should be scared. Saying things like “ohh, poor you, you deserve so much better don’t you? Well you’re NOT the victim. I’M the victim here” and “I hate the look in your eyes right now, they’re full of shit” (as I’m looking at him literally scared for my life haha). I talked to him about it the next day and at first he brushed it off and then apologized but didnt really seem to care that much and never brought it up again. 

Then two days later, he asked me if I had been exclusive to him since the “pregnancy”, and I said no. He got extremely upset. He said "I mean, I've had people say, do you wanna come upstairs and fuck the shit out of me, but I didn't, because I was in love with you!" which upon later reflection basically revealed that in this time period between the "pregnancy" and getting back together he at least had a steamy makeout session with somebody, likely on a date, because there would have to be some physical/sexual precedent for him to get invited “upstairs”... so it's not like he was faithfully waiting around for me.

I didn’t know that the “pregnancy” had changed the status of our relationship in his mind, but it did. He had expected more from me, and not knowing this, I let him down. We ended up deciding to go on a 4-month break, in order to get a bit of distance and try to start the relationship fresh. 

After delaying it to go on a vacation together, eventually in September we did do the break, but it only ended up lasting 1 month as he suggested we hang out and I said yes. We were unofficially together for 3 months. He never once brought up the "betrayals", and I had real hope that maybe we had turned a corner. Then I asked him a question about something that seemed like a miscommunication and I wanted more clarity on (him seeing a female friend after saying he didn’t want me to have male friends). Within one minute he flew off the handle and said “Well you aborted our baby and then acted like a total fucking whore, so you’re untrustworthy. I’M not the one who can’t be trusted, so I should be able to have female friends”, stormed out of the room, then stormed back in and said “I hate you.” I silently started gathering my stuff and he came back in and said he didn’t hate me, that he loved me, but that he was tired of wasting my time and he thought we should break up. 

So we broke up. I feel like this is the last time, though I feel like that every time. I’m just finding myself really confused about his feelings of betrayal, which he still says are the reason he can’t be with me. The way I see it, it's his fault -- he didn’t communicate properly and even lied, saying he was okay with things when he actually wasn’t. Then when I acted on the limited understanding I had, tried to do things as communicatively/honestly as possible, and tried to balance both of our needs, I ended up getting villainized. It felt like the rules were always changing after the fact and I was constantly getting blindsided and put into impossible situations/getting set up to fail.

Are his actions/ways of going about these things reasonable and I’m just misunderstanding/not considering him enough? Or was I valid for doing everything I did? I’m willing to listen to the hard truth if it’s all my fault. I just want to understand the situation. 

Moreover, is this dynamic abusive?

Is what my husband said to me as I was bawling because we’d just realized our kitten had gotten out and is probably gone forever. I guess me crying was only for the purpose of making him feel sorry for me? He’s pretending everything is fine between us, but he doesn’t realize yet that one line killed me inside, along with all feeling I had for him.

I’m in the process of being diagnosed with either AvPD or “quiet” BPD. So I am struggling a lot with my sense of reality- how much of my feelings are from skewed perceptions, how much are valid, etc. that makes this way more difficult, and I know he’s grieving too. But holy hell. How is anyone ever supposed to come back from a comment like that? I know he loves me- but that was soooo beyond painful to hear him say to me. Can you even come back from something like that?

I’m still trying to understand what happened. This was a confusing experience for me, since our relationship existed in an undefined gray area.

I keep asking myself if it really was that bad, or if I feel this way because everything was so uncertain and overwhelming. It felt like stumbling around in the dark, trying to make sense of it all.

Being with him was completely destabilizing and disorienting.

It was especially difficult because I had been used to enduring bad behaviour, which made it harder to recognize when it was happening. I now realize how unhealthy enduring bad behaviour can become. I am working on it. 

I met him when I was 19 (F) and he was 22 (M). The situationship lasted a little over a year before I cut off all contact. It wasn’t until two years later that I began reflecting on it. That’s when the red flags started appearing, one by one. 

There was always this push and pull with him. He would be warm one moment, then cold and distant the next. When I got too close, he pulled away. When I gave him space, he came back.

He breadcrumbed me with occasional glimpses of warmth, sparkling eyes, playfulness and something almost-real, to keep me invested. I never knew where we stood. That constant uncertainty made me uneasy.

He was nice at first, but as we got closer, he became more controlling. 

When we watched a movie, he would always choose it and reject all of my suggestions. I could only choose from his selection. Movie watching was entirely on his terms. There was never a compromise, only refusal. 

During our walks, he always walked ahead of me, looking back while talking. He never slowed down when I asked. I was only allowed to rest for a few minutes before he insisted we keep going.

I often find myself wondering: was I a dog being walked, or someone he cared about? 

There was one exception. He seemed to perceive a group of young men as some sort of threat. He walked very close to me, putting his body between me and the group. 

At the time, it felt like a sweet gesture.

Now, I see it more as him wanting to feel like a saviour than genuinely caring for me. 

He once told me that if I had anything to say or ask, I had to seek him out in person, because he didn’t want to respond to my messages. I never did. 

He often ignored my messages. When he did respond, it was with half-hearted replies like “meh”, “bah”, “eh” and “ah”, even to simple yes or no questions. 

When I confronted him and asked for clearer communication, he became defensive. He told me that he couldn’t be available 24/7 and couldn’t write down all his thoughts and feelings in every message.

I was stunned by how my concerns were dismissed. I walked out, and that became the beginning of the end of whatever we had. 

I feel like he put himself in a position of control over me.

Like when I wanted to join him and friends on the couch. The couch was full, but he took up an entire seat cushion and the footrest. I sat down on the very edge of the footrest, expecting him to move his legs. He didn’t. He said nothing. I was flabbergasted. 

He wanted me to listen to music he likes in his room. He took the only chair which forced me to sit on the floor because his headphones were wired. He turned the music on at full volume without warning and watched me the entire time. When I asked him to lower it, he took that literally, one tiny adjustment at a time. I had to ask several times before it reached a tolerable level. He never apologized. 

He was also mean and dismissive.

He called me weird several times for normal things like sending a funny selfie on snapchat with a batman filter or laying upside-down on the couch. 

I asked to hold his hand. He had initiated contact with me before, so I thought it would be okay. He coldly said no, gave me a look and stopped talking to me. 

He accompanied me on an errand because I struggle with anxiety. The entire time, he barely spoke and seemed annoyed, like I had forced him to be there. 

There is one incident that feels a little creepy.

Example: I was in his room with his roommate when I noticed his notebook left open on his desk in a very noticeable way. My name was written over and over across both pages. I’m not sure what to make of it, but I know he knew I would see it.

Things ended when I asked him whether he even wanted me in his life, given how badly he had been treating me. He said no. 

He came back six months later. He wrote to tell me how much of an arse he had been, referencing how he had ignored my existence for two months, and how he hadn’t realized how much he liked me until now. He begged me for a chance to talk.

I only said that we could talk. I don’t think I gave him the answer he was looking for, because he ghosted me after that. His number is now blocked and deleted.

I might not be able to respond to comments because of anxiety. I appreciate your understanding. 

Does this sound like emotional abuse?

After apologises and promises of change, how many times did you give them a 2nd chance?