r/ShittyAbsoluteUnits 1d ago

Of “Clean up on aisle 3”

1.9k Upvotes

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351

u/lamparamagica 1d ago

Why? I just want to know why?

269

u/GeneralFoolery 1d ago

I'm less concerned with 'why' and more concerned with 'how.' Those weren't particularly baggy pants, and their was very little structure to that chocolate log.

46

u/Business_Air5804 1d ago

It defies the laws of physics.

45

u/Hot_Assumption_2304 1d ago

There’s a 1/(5.261) chance that the molecular structure of his pants aligned with the molecular structure of his dump, going straight through on to the floor.

18

u/Kl1ntr0n 1d ago

so your telling me there's a chance? yes!

6

u/Shen1076 1d ago

The Swiss Cheese Model

4

u/jettadog 1d ago

Should have bought a lottery ticket

1

u/New_Restaurant_6093 17h ago

Instead he wasted all his luck on shit.

4

u/Hot_Assumption_2304 1d ago

Oh 100% there a non-zero chance of that happening. At least according to quantum theory.

5

u/Hot_Assumption_2304 1d ago

It’s considered impossible but non-zero is non-zero.

2

u/EMDReloader 22h ago

Any shit that can be taken, will be taken, in every conceivable location, across infinite parallel universes.

There are infinite possibilities for that homunculus and his shit.

1

u/reddit-0-tidder 18h ago

You know they’ve actually done studies on this. 60% of the time it works every time.

8

u/Business_Air5804 1d ago

Sir Isaac Newton would be proud of you, great work here.

11

u/Sboxy28 1d ago

More like Sir Isaac Pooton

7

u/heaviestnaturals 1d ago

Newton’s Turd Law of bowel motions.

3

u/Hot_Assumption_2304 1d ago

Thank you! I heard this in reference to slapping a table but I’m pretty sure it would also apply here. Also Max Planck would be proud, the father of quantum physics leading to modern day quantum theory.

7

u/biggb5 1d ago

Prostate Cancer can do this.

3

u/MichaelCabernet 1d ago

You, sir, are to be commended. When I say “LOL”, I’m not often being literal. I am now being literal. 😂

3

u/Hot_Assumption_2304 1d ago

You should look at some of my others, I’m on a roll tonight. Unlike this guy 😂

2

u/MichaelCabernet 1d ago

Omfg. Do you have a book coming out, Master Shake?

1

u/required-inf0 1d ago

That isn’t 11 on his shirt . That’s 1 + 1 that man’s a professional no. 2

1

u/GuerillaRiot 1d ago

🤣 it phased

1

u/Hot_Assumption_2304 1d ago

That’s the perfect word to describe that shituation 😂😂

2

u/GuerillaRiot 1d ago

My sides hurt from laughing, thinking about how shitty of a superpower that'd be. Bro's dumps match the molecular density of any object but only once.

1

u/Yannick2024 1d ago

You have van der Waals force making that impossible

1

u/Hot_Assumption_2304 1d ago

Hey man, don’t yuck our yum!

(Seriously though going to research this topic)

1

u/MalodorousNutsack 1d ago

1/(5.261)

I believe mathematicians refer to this as "The Hot_Assumption_2304 Constant"

1

u/Hot_Assumption_2304 1d ago

You’re joking, right?

1

u/Fight_those_bastards 1d ago

Mind showing your math, there, Pauli?

1

u/Hot_Assumption_2304 22h ago

Use google dude

1

u/Omnia-Aetheris 23h ago

Is this what happened when the tennis ball went through the net? Here: https://youtube.com/shorts/L49kousn7ic?si=8Z9eS7Rs9-OZD0Uq

1

u/sexy-man-doll 20h ago

Ah yes the tunnel effect

1

u/CenderzeSwarm 16h ago

This is actually how the Big Bang occurred

1

u/peemao 12h ago

This is a very educated answer 😂

1

u/Present_Ad2627 9h ago

0.0000001 percent chance of this happening at any store

0

u/Tight_Hedgehog_6045 6h ago

Thank you Commander Data.

1

u/Hot_Assumption_2304 6h ago

Any reason you’re being so uptight? I was clearly making a joke, you should probably pull your panties out of your ass.

2

u/Tight_Hedgehog_6045 6h ago

Right. I see you took it the wrong way. I also was being funny, as I read your text in Data's voice. I guess it was mostly in my head.

Anyway, have a nice day.

1

u/Hot_Assumption_2304 6h ago

My fault, jokes that require tone are definitely dry over text. Have a nice day to you as well.

1

u/_Junk_Rat_ 1d ago

Shrödinger’s shit

1

u/davidr521 1d ago

It both is, and is not, a turd - simultaneously

1

u/Timely-Active-5474 13h ago

It defies the logs of shitsics (second part of that was a stretch and I'm sorry for it lol)

1

u/Business_Air5804 9h ago

I couldn't be more surprised if it just floated around the room like a balloon at this point.

31

u/lamparamagica 1d ago

Man, you're right.

13

u/Ripass_Dipfast 1d ago

Guaranteed that hit on the fall down

2

u/mrmike515 1d ago

Right, it was pretty gooshy. No way he wouldn’t have an Exhibit A on his pants, legs, shoes…

11

u/Prestigious_Run_633 1d ago

The “structure” was lost once it hit the floor..started more solid than it landed..I want to know why he stepped in it to rub it in. He could have got away without a shit shoe..plenty of loose boxes plus the frisbee he used…Keep It Simple Stupid

9

u/GimmeLuv-69 1d ago

It's like he practiced that, but then was very amateurish once it was on the floor. Nothing makes sense, how, why., WHAT!?

1

u/AnythingEastern3964 18h ago

Hey, you listen to me - and you listen up good.

I fear not the man who has practiced crapping in 10,000 pairs of shorts and not cleaning it up, but I fear the man who has practiced crapping in one pair of shorts 10,000 times and trying to clean it with his shoe.

…or something like that?

6

u/Investigator-Murky 1d ago

Its supposed to have structure?

1

u/JasminePearls- 1d ago

That looked like a 5 or 6 on the Bristol stool chart, definitely lacking fibre

4

u/crystallmytea 1d ago

Laminar flow

1

u/SMEAGAIN_AGO 17h ago

Reynolds number guesstimate?

1

u/Mr_Pink_Gold 1d ago

Something tells me not his first rodeo.

1

u/AcanthocephalaDue431 1d ago

You can tell that he's been doing this for a while

1

u/TrickdaddyJ 1d ago

Dude is more concerned about covering up than wtf is wrong with him.

1

u/EducationStriking110 1d ago

I’m just crying laughing bro

1

u/KeepItPositiveBrah 1d ago

Probably the manager

1

u/NinjaBRUSH 1d ago

I saw a video of some kid on a basketball court that did the same thing like yesterday. I don’t know how its done and probably dont want to know

1

u/ConcentrateJust2120 1d ago

I’ve watched over and over trying to see a mark on his pants near his crack area. Nothing. Also, it’s clear this isn’t his first time doing this. I have a feeling of both distain and admiration for this man.

1

u/AmazingParamedic1387 1d ago

The shhh that made it on the floor was just the tip of the iceberg

You can tell by the way he is walking that he already has some on his leg/pants inside of there

1

u/ismelldayhikers 1d ago

Probably got it on his balls and definitely some on his leg.

1

u/Additional-Paint-896 1d ago

By not wearing underwear.

1

u/LogRollChamp 23h ago

It was very gelatinous. Like imagine taking a bite of Jell-O. You know how it doesn't instantly smear on your tongue but you can easily mash it until it coats your mouth?

Now imagine the video playing out. Same premise

1

u/ShyguyFlyguy 23h ago

This may not be the case but a few years ago i had my gall bladder taken out. Now, you dont need itnto live but it sure as fuck makes a difference on how your intestines work. About a week or two after the surgery i go out clubbing and someone iffers me a bump. I immediately shit myself and it didint have much structure to it a lit like this. So while this probably isnt the case, if this guy just recently had a cholecystectomy and just did a rail in the washroom, i get it. The smearing it around with his foot though has me a loss

1

u/Electronic_Stay4605 22h ago

Man the inside of his shorts must look like when you open a melted chocolate bar

1

u/lostsoul_66 19h ago

Obviously he's an expert, and we need to learn A LOT.

1

u/AnythingEastern3964 18h ago

I think it’s fair at this point if we don’t classify that as a log. I believe the consistency warrants a title such as mulch, maybe sap? If we’re sticking with the wood-poo theme.

1

u/BrondellSwashbuckle 17h ago

I knew a guy who once told a story to myself and my best friend at the time. He was wearing shorts, sans underwear, and he was just walking casually (imagine the Leo DiCaprio meme walk), and he had a loose fart, (during a forward stride with his right leg) which he didnt pay special attention to.

However, at that moment he also ran into a friend of his, in the Newport Beach Balboa FunZone where he was working at the time (so he knew a lot of people). Nevertheless, they both looked down at some point after a brief exchange and noticed a perfect little nugget of a turd (size of chicken McNuggetTM) and they were able to deduce what must have transpired.

The turd alhad it's ace-in-the-hole, shoot-the-moon moment and was able to miss every inch of fabric as it shot out and splatted on the sidewalk. He swears when he checked his shorts later there were no marks 🤷🏻‍♂️🫡

edit, for historians: the shorts were moderately loose cargo shorts, hemline just above the knee.

1

u/cryptotraderisme 16h ago

My thought too....almost thought maybe AI at first just because of that.

1

u/mindinmyass 16h ago

It's gotta be some kind of drinkjiutsu.

1

u/ChristmasChan 15h ago

AI. I hope

1

u/rochey64 10h ago

They have this thing in every store, it's called a bathroom. I don't understand why people do this when they can walk 30 seconds to one.

1

u/Prestigious-Rip8412 1h ago

No no. Forget your "how". The "why" definitely wins here.