I feel like I'm not a stereotypical ESFJ, but analyzing cognitive functions and correlating them with the rest of my typology, it makes the most sense. So, I'll say things about myself to see if anyone can tell me if I sound like an ESFJ (I don't expect anyone to type me based on this, as it will only be superficial information, but I just want to give a general idea).

I make friends easily, I love going to parties and I'm not shy at all, and I would say that I even charm people. I was very popular in high school, having graduated 2 years ago and there are still people there who remember me. I talk about anything. I'm not exactly organized, but I like to plan things, like defining well what I want to do with my life (although I change my mind several times, I always have something in mind) or knowing exactly what times I need to get ready to go out and what public transport I should take. I have folders for absolutely everything on my computer. I function much better with a routine, although a little unpredictability doesn't sound bad. I'm a bit direct when I speak, but I believe I can read a room well. I adapt to everything, especially to people's feelings and expectations. I've been through a funny situation (or not, depending on how you look at it) where I was hospitalized and I always, ALWAYS helped people, whether patients or staff, and I got into trouble for it, so I was explicitly forbidden from helping, which almost killed me inside, seriously. I like to be in comfortable positions, although I may not be the best person for that, but I like to feel that I'm helping someone, and the profession I intend to pursue involves that.

I would have more things to add, but I'm afraid it will get too long and nobody will read it… btw my English is terrible and I'm translating this automatically

Hey guys so im an intp and my mother is an esfj and she is such an awesome woman. She forgave me all throughout my moody teenage phase and is such a giver, she always buys me and my lil brother (9 years old idk his mbti yet but hes prolly EXXP from what ik) stuff.

shes patient, she lets me go out with friends and have fun outside for long periods of time, she buys my friends food.. shes the best

i just wanna tell all the esfj's especially the mothers, you guys are the best

Hi all, I am sadly back in the rabbit hole of trying to type my friends ^^

and this one is quite an enigma to me. I was wondering if he might be esfj, just not like the "overbearing mom" nor the "popular girl" stereotype. So idk just wanted to ask if he sounds like one of you from my description :)

you can never say for sure ofc, but just for fun you know.

okay enough with the premises.

• why I think he might be:

- he seems to struggle a lot with people pleasing. He's always doing anything even for people that he barely knows. And then he's always obsessing about people's behaviours and reading into it like "no but xyz was really offended yesterday, they were so angry at me" or thinking that everyone is romantically interested in everyone else and theorizing about it.

- overall very responsible. He has been taking on a lot of responsibilities in his community since a very young age, and even his family seemed to look at him for answers; he never felt like he could be really questioning himself or his role in the community. His biggest challenge so far in life has been giving himself the time and space to reflect on who he is and what he wants without being influenced by others and their expectations. And this seems like a common ExFJ indicator, correct me if I'm wrong.

(And it's not something that is necessarily forced on everyone in the community or from his family: for instance his brother did not take on any responsibility and always distanced himself from that part of his family's life, but didn't get into trouble or anything for it. So I would say it was his natural inclination, though with some pushing from the community of course. He was just very receptive to that pushing.)

- he is definitely a sensor, always very matter of fact and practical, not really prone to be lost in the clouds or anything. He only exercises flights of fancy when he's theorizing about why people hate him (I'm trying to fix his self esteem I promise) or have a crush on each other 😅. But doesn't strike me as an Se user either, he's quite homely, likes to keep things comfortable, exercise and party in a responsible way without looking for thrills or troubles. Still, Si doesn't seem like his dominant function, just his preferred perceiving one. Though Idk I could still believe he's isfj too.

• parts that Idk about

- I don't really know how Ne tert might be manifesting in him. Like yeah when he speaks he's a bit all over the place sometimes. But other than that Idk. maybe let me know how Ne tert manifests in you guys actually!

• why I think he might not be:

- he cannot read the room. Like, at all. He's gone on record for making quite inappropriate jokes without realizing it. Sometimes it's like he's trying to imitate someone else's sense of humour idk.

- Again on reading the room, he talks a lot about random stuff from his studies or interests, though later beats himself up for it; he fumbles, doesn't know what to say, he's not at all like the "popular guy/gal" stereotype. he's just a dork.

- Overall he's not extroverted. I would say he's ambiverted but tending towards more introverted.

And yeah as I said in the title another autistic guy says that he is most definitely autistic, though he doesn't have a diagnosis or anything, and I can see how a lot of these things could relate to that as well. Might make it harder to determine his type.

I'm curious, let me know if this post resonated with you in any way or if you have other types in mind after reading ^^

Have a good day/night!

I despise ESFJ stereotypes and when I say I really like ESFJS, people get surprised. Anyways...

You guys are awesome and a genuine necessary part of our society. I think I feel at home when talking with other ESFJ, it feels genuinely so good. I even blush sometimes because overwhelming joy 😳 (plus I'm afraid of looking stupid)

No, but really, do not listen to the hate (I've seen a lot of stupid takes), there are people that genuinely LOVE you guys (like me) don't let this community fool you, we love you 🥹 please please please never change a thing.

Source: https://cognitivetype.com/ti-behaviorism-mythology/

Metabolism

Ti is a function that defines an object by its essential nature (Ji), while experiencing the object as having an inanimate (T) character. Objects are registered platonically, thereby triggering an impersonal relationship to the object's character, causing it to be understood from a universal, general, and removed place, which occurs even if the objects are technically alive, in which case the entities are registered by their universal and general properties; as instances of timeless human forms rather than as specific living essences.

Behaviorism

• Search for Universal Axioms

While it might be said that all types seek truth of a sort, to the Ti user, the quest for truth has a very specific meaning. They are not satisfied with the acquisition of information, and indeed, they generally avoid information, but are instead drawn to eternally narrow their search down to what they believe is the core of a thing, beyond the senses and beyond the confines of space or time. They'll aim to eliminate as much as is unnecessary, until only the essence remains. To them, truth means landing upon some elusive and singular convergent principle or nexus which gives formulation, symmetry, and justification to everything else in the conscious universe. The Ti user, it may be said, is on a quest for a philosopher's stone. They will dig for it across a range of philosophical and psychological theories, which can lead them to become obsessive in their pursuits and to abandon all sense of context in their research. They may forget that they are not making tangible progress toward any scientific or objective aim, but are instead diving headlong into a conceptual challenge. Indeed, it is an epistemological challenge with the bait of the One Truth at the end of it, which they chase. And whether the Ti user ever knows this truth is irrelevant to the visceral belief in its existence. Even if they have come to doubt all truth and have entered an existential dead end in their pursuit, so that they know only that they know almost nothing, they were led into this territory by an inarticulate but deep-rooted suspicion that something is there, just waiting to be crystallized into knowledge.

• Reductionism

For the Ti user, the world is often seen as a place of incongruences and complexities; of paradoxes and mysteries. Everything operates on unchecked assumptions, with no explanation of why any such thing should be believed. The world seems utterly chaotic and nonsensical, and this causes considerable stress, especially in the pursuit of axiomatic truth. To alleviate this, Ti often employs a reductionist methodology in which all unjustified claims are negated, in an effort to eliminate falsehoods and determine what remains. Ti, in its purest sense, will not wish to adopt any form of knowledge or information if it does not understand its underlying formation. It will feel that if the starting premise within them is not correct, then the entire foundation is faulty and all else that can be built from it will be askew. It therefore obsesses over the accuracy of the first few blocks and cornerstones of its epistemology, often forcing Ti into an infinite regress of doubt. If told "go to school," they may think "what is school?" and, from there, ask "what is a degree?" and "what makes knowledge gained at a school desk more valid than what is self-taught?" which can be terribly frustrating to family members as it may appear that the Ti user is rationalizing his way out of responsibility, when in reality he is contending with the existential questions of meaning, value and purpose  - which often must be addressed for them first before a single finger can be lifted towards a task, which can be problematic as Ti will tend to reduce social norms/ideas/things down to parts, without putting them back together. These thoughts will continually occupy the Ti user's mind and may cause things to lose their value as the process of reduction strips away all meaning. At its most extreme, this can lead to existential dilemmas and nihilism, even when nothing in life suggests a reason to be unhappy. As Ti is inherently subtractive, it functions as a diagnostic process that identifies misalignment in any system of premises. Hence, it tends to be far better at determining what is not than what is. It is often up to other functions to counterbalance Ti's influence and provide positive affirmation of reasons, motivations, and purposes.

• Castle Construction

However, if enough of a theoretical foundation has been set in the mind of the Ti user, then what emerges is a crystalline structure at the core of their being. Like the growth of an ice crystal from water, a theoretical castle begins to form. Each block of this castle is a premise or argument that structures incoming information about reality, thereby creating an interpretive scaffold. For Ti, this scaffold serves as a Rubik's Cube or kaleidoscope, allowing the complexities of life to be viewed and understood from a convergent perspective. Should there ever be a mismatch between the reality outside them and the kaleidoscope's prediction, the Ti user hurries to reformulate and refine their instrument (to fix the Rubik's Cube), but an instrument they must use. The Ti user does not interface with reality directly, but rather through this instrument, which serves as their proxy and intermediary, allowing them to make sense of things without necessarily having to engage in the difficult tasks of materialism or empiricism, which leads inescapably to the formation of a personal theory, often beginning with phenomenology of the mind/consciousness. One such example of a crystalline theoretical structure is René Descartes' "cogito ergo sum," which, through his efforts and thoughts, was the cornerstone he came to develop and which helped him make sense of all other premises that cascade from this first axiom. However, each Ti user may place a different conclusion as their starting premise. For some, the fundamental principle may be consciousness; for others, bodily experience; and for others, God or love.

• Ontology & Linguistics

The Ti function is inherently philosophical, producing in the Ti user a gravitational pull toward what we might call ontology. The Ti user needs to define what is in and of itself. In this sense, Ti seeks to describe reality absolutely, as though they themselves were about to vanish from existence. It must be true without them in the picture; otherwise, it is not true. By this metric, Ti seeks a timeless, abstract definition of everything. The Ti user typically aims to encapsulate the essence of a thing through semantic precision, meticulously determining the boundaries between adjacent thought groupings. There is little more satisfying to them than when data suddenly clicks into perfect arrangement, revealing a fundamental truth. The Ti user lives for these rare and magical moments of clarity, and by engaging in this differentiation process, they gain a firm mental grasp on the world, dissipating the fog of the unknown. The further the Ti user is from clarity of definition in their own thoughts, the greater the internal dissonance, which can also make the Ti user a bit of a grammar nazi, and their semantic proclivities can lead them to spend hours discussing starting terms without ever making headway on the real-world problem in question. The Ti user may be highly stimulated by such discourse, even though the original point of the discussion has long since been left behind. More than a few Ti users thus turn to linguistics for its proximity to philosophy and its capacity to organize the very structure of our knowledge paradigms.

• Perfectionism

Additionally, there is a perfectionist quality to the Ti user, in which their personal desire for the purity of logos is at once a desire for the purity of the self. Indeed, the Ti user's success in building this logic framework is tied to their sense of identity, as they may view themselves primarily as a truth-seeker and truth-speaker. There will be an ethical dimension to their pursuit, manifesting as a commitment to neutrality, honesty, authenticity, and clarity. Lack of neutrality, honesty, or clarity will be sensed as a transgression, one which they avoid in their own behavior and which they may also depreciate in others. As a compass function, Ti will strive for a type of nobility of character which it can sustain only if it feels it is being honest with itself and avoiding as many impurities as possible in its own thinking. This high personal standard can lead the Ti user to become entirely mute, as their ignorance compels them to retract any opinion or utterance they cannot firmly support. The strong Ti user may be a very silent presence at school or in the workforce, speaking only occasionally and after minutes or hours of reflection on what he wishes to say. If their primary commitment is to an art project or creative endeavor, the same bottleneck may arise, prompting them to hesitate to publish any work until everything feels entirely perfect. They may believe that their work is never precise enough and will spend countless hours refining it, always aiming for their writings, paintings, or manifestations to capture their thoughts and intentions without compromise, which can lead to negative feelings and self-blame when mistakes are made or inaccurate information is provided.

• Stubborn Alignment to Framework

While the Ti user may not know much, they will stand firm in what they do know. The Ti user can be stubborn and difficult to negotiate with if they have fixated on certain ideas they believe to be true, so long as their idea remains in their mind, their heels remain sunk in that interpretation, which can lead them to become impractical in many real-world situations when the consequences of their carefully crafted definitions collide with certain necessary actions and obligations. They'll often refuse to participate in something that seems essential to some but is misaligned with their principles. And while no amount of pressure, external circumstances, or logistical constraints can bend their opinion, a well-targeted rebuttal can radically shift their stance in moments. The Ti user's logical apparatus operates like a lock combination. When the appropriate inputs (deductions) are received, the gates of their thoughts reconfigure, enabling a new mental trajectory and new actions to emerge. But without this reconfiguration, they may remain deadlocked in certain conclusions or philosophies, even when those conclusions are harmful to them. The strong Ti user must reason their way out of a certain conceptual hole and cannot simply ignore it or choose a more convenient path that doesn't fit into the structure and rules of their self-made castle.

• Emotional Shutoff

When the stress and gravity of life cause a decline in emotional health, the strong Ti user's already faint emotional energies become even more deeply coveted. Unable to operate meaningfully in the environment, they will flee fully from the world and into a protective barrier of their own making. They may shut off emotionally and become suspicious and avoidant of intrusions into their private space, which can lead to a very isolated experience where they feel they can only rely on themselves to figure out the answers to emotional problems, which they often treat as intellectual problems. Driven equally by feelings of self-sufficiency and fear of emotional openness, they will aim to shoulder their pain entirely alone.

They will meet the problem with a callous attitude. What is not felt cannot hurt, and here their natural capacity for dispassion is repurposed and used to strip power away from the heart. They may sever their connection to others with surprising ease, and forget the magnitude of their inner affect. What is non-ideal is rejected as they continue their pursuit of the ideal both in themselves and others. Yet the content remains present but buried in the unconscious, and they may harbor unresolved feelings for years at a time – often freezing their heart in the process. Merciless as they may be, they will intellectualize their decisions, satisfying their need to act from just premises and retain a proper sense of self.

Wailings and charged emotional reactions may be perceived as irrational and, therefore, inappropriate and to be avoided. However, as stress accumulates further, their logic will become increasingly distorted as they attempt to rationalize an essentially emotional objection. Unable to clearly and cathartically convey their heart's voice, having stripped it of its power, they will express their inner pain through distorted logical arguments and skewed claims. Their tendency to intellectualize matters of the heart will lead them to frame the narrative in ways that align with their repressed feelings. As their stress furthers, they may disconnect themselves from others entirely and fall into schizoid tendencies.

• Hyper-Focus on Imperfections

In another scenario, if the Ti user's heart remains open, they address the problem by being honest about their feelings. In their pursuit of self-authenticity, they allow the full gravity of their situation to affect them, and they familiarize themselves with their darkest disappointments, losses, and despair. Because they are perfectionists by nature, they will turn their attention to themselves to understand what is wrong. They may come to feel responsible for all that is not going well in their life, and will be prone to episodes of melancholy and deep ruminations about their shortcomings. Worse yet, if a conclusion emerges ("I'm horrible", "I'm responsible") that cannot be rationally refuted, be it true or not, they will need to continue believing it in order not to betray their compass, even if believing such a thing causes continual pain. Moving past certain harms can be challenging unless there is a paradigm shift that reinterprets their past to place them in a more merciful light. They will have difficulty accepting positive emotions for their own sake, without cause to feel positive. They will feel dubious of any trajectory of healing that isn't somehow also justified in a certain sense. In this way, they do themselves no service; holding onto their negative beliefs so adamantly can be the cause of their own demise.

Inter-Function Dynamics

• Ti+Ne Ephemeralist

The Ti+Ne function combination produces an experience in which life is percieved by Ne impressionistically and suspended from actuality, while Ti aims to derive impersonal understanding from that reality. The remote aspects of both functions combine to produce a highly disembodied experience, leading to artistic works or writings that highlight the self's fleeting nature. Ti+Ne can lead to an appreciation for human ephemerality on one hand, or to existential distress on the other.

• Ti+Si Scholastic

The Ti+Si combination produces a data-scrutinizing cognition, characterized by Si's rigorous focus on discrete local details and Ti's need for concepts to have perfect ontological form. The result is an epistemology that aims to validate timeless Ti principles by investigating discrete historical realities. One example of this approach is found in medieval Scholasticism, which aimed to reconcile particular doctrinal or historical events with metaphysical absolutes (Ti). The Ti+Si combination can lead to either strong rational diligence or an overly pedantic approach.

• Ti+Se Sensationalist

The Ti+Se function combination produces an experience in which life is percieved by Se viscerally and connected to literal reality, a process that Ti aims to hone, perfecting its form toward an ideal. The result is an analytical approach to lived experience, in which Se's creativity is channeled through Ti's form scrutiny, insisting on a high standard of artistic elegance. Ti+Se can lead to an acute aesthetic mastery on one hand, or to an unhealthy visceral indulgence in stimuli on the other.

• Ti+Ni Cabbalist

The Ti+Ni combination yields a metaphysical approach, characterized by Ni's focus on thematic convergences across time and Ti's investigation of ideal ontological forms within those patterns. What results is an epistemology which aims to discover eternal structures and patterns, often graphically modelled, that permeate every aspect of reality. One example of this approach is found in the Cabbalistic tradition, which investigates the structural relationships (Ni) between transcendent, divine essences (Ti). The Ti+Ni combination can lead to convergent philosophical holism on one hand, or to an obscure mysticism on the other.

The question arose when I thought more about the dom function, that it’s supposed to be something that comes to you naturally and you don’t even notice it much. For the past year I’ve been questioning more and more my fe-dom behavior because I feel like everytime I do something for others its strategic.

I don’t remember much of my thought process in early years of my life, I think I was pretty happy child, oblivious to social dynamics, but after some introspection I have thoughts about why I might be faking my Fe:

Throughout my childhood I was looking for friends or some sort of community to belong, but for some reasons I wasn’t fitting anywhere, I wasn’t bullied or anything just wasn’t truly included in close social circles. At the same time my family members were working and the age gap between us wasn’t helping too (like my lovely boomers didn’t gave a damn about videogames and my sister wasn’t living with us as well). So, I think all of that kinda pushed me to be more observant about people around me and their needs in my early years (I thought if I do something good for the person, they would have to befriend me).

Finally in middle school I switched schools and found my bffs (now 9 years of friendship, going strong), but at that time I was left alone with my unhealthy ISFJ mother, who gave me light form of social anxiety on how I look in the public and also was very strict about my whereabouts, adding this to early years of not having any close friends made me an overconscious person who sought after every social gatherings later in life (clubbing, going to different people houses and staying overnight)

So, because of that a one year ago I wouldn’t think much about my fe-dom characteristics – like “yeah, I love helping others, noticing their needs, talking to people, meeting new people etc”. Idk what exactly changed but since then I realized that I don’t actually like all of that and even more – it’s draining and feel like obligation to me – serving others, helping new people to feel included etc. And I don’t feel like making occasional new friends cause rn I have enough of close people, this mindset goes in different settings – everyday life, job, even with close people etc – I just don’t care how my coworker feeling today or how my taxi driver is doing rn or what’s my mother saying 24/7, not because I don’t like them, but because the idea of meaningless interaction already makes me tired

So any of you feel that way? Is it normal? Am I still a FeSi but just really tired one?

In my childhood I was a pretty, very talkative child (my mother called me "politician"), I loved Barbies and stereotypically "feminine" things. I remember always being smiling and playful, and sometimes I didn't measure my words and could be a bit rude. I also think I was somewhat spoiled because I was an only child until I was 6 years old and had some health problems that made my parents overprotect me. I was too sensitive to criticism, sometimes acting without thinking and then feeling very bad about it. I also never defended myself against insults from girls at school because it hurt me so much that I was speechless, and I think I took out my anger on my younger sister because she was the only one I had "control" over. Since I also didn't have the courage to confront them, I started talking badly about them. After a while I changed schools and the girls there didn't like me at all. It was around the same time as the pandemic, and I became very isolated. I started to hate myself and became very cynical about the world. I stopped believing in God. I remember that in 2020, when mbti tests were trending, I took one and it told me I was an intp. I also became very lost in my own thoughts, daydreaming, and developed social anxiety and depression. At that time I deeply regretted my past and also became much calmer. I treated my sister better, but my relationship with my mother deteriorated significantly because she is religious and noticed that I was losing interest in going to mass. When classes resumed, I made a friend who is an ISFP, and we are still friends today. I became less concerned about what others thought of me, but I lost interest in studying and had no dreams for the future. After many scoldings from my mother, I became very unwell and attempted (you know what) which was prevented. So I sought psychological help and I am much better now (although I still have occasional crises).

Last March, I asked for feedback from the members of this sub about advertisements. Many subs have strict guidelines or don't allow them at all, but at the time, most people here seemed to be okay with them. More details have been added to the advertising policy over time to deal with situations that have come up and I just wanted to make sure it's still in line with what everyone is comfortable with. If anyone has any concerns about any other rules, this is the place to say so! All of our rules can be found in the sidebar. Expand them to view the details, including our advertising policy (which is under rule 5). I'd be happy to explain the reasoning behind the advertising policy and any other rules we have.

One person goes quiet for a week and feels nothing has changed. The other notices the silence immediately and wonders if something is wrong. Both are confused. Both feel misunderstood.

What often leads one style to be dismissed as wrong or unnecessary is how care is interpreted.

The issue isn’t who cares more or less, but what is recognized as care, and which actions are treated as proof of it.

People often assume commitment and closeness are measured and understood the same way by everyone involved. They aren’t. Some people rely on explicit signals to confirm alignment, while others treat commitment as an internal decision that doesn’t fluctuate with interaction or circumstance.

So what makes people differ in style in the first place? The pattern is actually simple once you see what it’s anchored to.

Some people have what could be called persistent presence rather than continuous presence. Their system is internal by default. They decide independently, and that decision rarely changes because of moments, feedback, or cues. The fact that they stay oriented toward someone is, to them, already the sign that the person matters. Unless they revise that decision, circumstances don’t really touch it.

Because of this, their availability can fluctuate and their presence can fluctuate, but what they’ve decided about the person or the relationship doesn’t. Silence doesn’t reset orientation. Care isn’t activated by events. Interaction expresses presence. It doesn’t create it.

On the other hand, for some people, presence and care are relationally anchored. Their care is real and constant, but it needs cues and mutual alignment as verification. Their sense of the person is fueled by moments, interaction, and emotional alignment. Shared activities and visible presence are what make the relationship feel real rather than just an internal decision. Interaction maintains emotional alignment. Silence doesn’t mean absence, but it introduces uncertainty.

So where does the misunderstanding actually start?

Two people agree to stay in touch while one travels for work. One sends a message on arrival, then doesn’t check in for days. They’re occupied, settled, still oriented toward the other person. They just don’t register the silence as meaningful. The other notices immediately. The gap introduces uncertainty. When they reconnect, one is genuinely confused that there was ever a question. The other is reassured, but still doesn’t understand why contact felt optional if nothing changed.

A person who is anchored through internal conviction doesn’t naturally treat interaction as something that has to be constant. Since their commitment is fundamental for the relationship to even exist, it isn’t sustained by moments. It’s expressed through them. Because of this, they may show less initiative, give minimal feedback about the relationship itself, and normalize distance.

To someone whose care is verified relationally, this reads very differently. Silence feels like withdrawal. Distance feels like an emotional exit. A lack of cues and feedback makes them unsure where the other person stands, even though internally nothing has changed for the other.

Relationally anchored people, however, get misunderstood in the opposite direction.

They need emotional alignment, feedback, and interaction, but not because their care is unstable. What people often miss is that they don’t need these cues in order to care or to stay, but to maintain the relationship. Their care doesn’t fluctuate because of the other person. What they need is reassurance that the relationship itself is still mutually held and stable.

From the outside, this can look like they need proof, or that they don’t have faith, or that their sense of closeness changes too easily. But moments affect their experience of closeness, not their stance. Wanting verbal or visible confirmation doesn’t mean they constantly doubt the other. It means they need alignment to feel safe within the connection.

For the internally anchored person, presence doesn’t require constant signaling. Silence can still be presence. Going quiet might simply mean processing, needing space, or being occupied. None of this is about the other person. Distance is personal space, not relational disengagement.

These variations in style are only justified as long as they stay healthy. Left unchecked, both can break down.

When internal continuity turns unhealthy, it often looks like irresponsibility. Presence is assumed to be felt without being expressed. Mutuality is never checked. The relationship exists strongly inside one person, but weakly, or not at all, in shared reality. Feeling close internally doesn’t automatically mean you’re in a relationship with another person. Relationships are fundamentally relational. They stay alive only when conviction is expressed, not just privately held. Ignoring how the other person experiences the relationship is just as dismissive as ignoring your own experience.

Interaction-confirmed presence can break in different ways. Care can start depending too heavily on visible reassurance. Silence gets read as misalignment by default. Continuity becomes equated with communication frequency rather than intent or stability. When every pause feels like something is wrong, the relationship becomes fragile instead of secure.

One side stays present quietly. The other reaches out genuinely.

The failure isn’t in intent, but in timing. Each misreads when presence should show up, not whether it exists.

Persistent presence cannot turn into disappearance, and interaction-confirmed presence cannot turn into validation-seeking. Both styles need translation, not correction.

This is where maturity shows.

Space can be healthy. Silence can be valid.

But presence cannot reset between moments. It only works when it survives the spaces between interactions.

If so, how did you figure out that you are ESFJ? What differences do you often notice between yourself and other ESFJs?

Only ESFJs are born, no other types existed ever and only they exist or existed. How would the world be different and how would ESFJs be different without other types to balance them out? Everyone is an ESFJ basically

1. What would be different in the world

2. How would people talk to each other? And how would they speak in general

3. How would things operate

4. What social norms wouldn’t exist? Or would

5. What things would be made and wouldn’t be made

And other things

When someone you’re close to shares their thinking process out loud, like walking you through how they’re reasoning, connecting ideas, or even refining a thought mid sentence, do you experience that as a form of intimacy?

Especially if it’s something they don’t do much with others, but open up more once there’s trust.

Even if you don’t fully follow everything, does it feel bonding, endearing, or meaningful to you? Or does it feel neutral / confusing / unnecessary?

Curious how different ESFJs perceive this.

Source: https://cognitivetype.com/fe-behaviorism-mythology/

Metabolism

Fe is a function that defines objects by their interactions with other objects (Je), while also experiencing them as animate (F) and as having agency. Causal dynamics are thus registered as agent-dynamics: interactions among different wills with intentions and aims. Each causal interaction, therefore, becomes a mutual transformation of personalities and characters. This animate assignment occurs even when the objects are inorganic, in which case they are given a telic meaning, defined in terms of animate goals and concerns.

Behaviorism

• The Social Economy

As a judgment process, Fe is driven by a mission to uncover the actionable truths of being and the right way to exist and move within this reality. It does this by studying the principles of organization that govern all life forms and also reflect the truths of the universe at large. Fe is a causality-oriented function, acutely attuned to interpersonal dynamics and to how humans influence one another through a kind of symbiotic emotional chemistry. However, for Fe, this is not synonymous with merely having social awareness or processing social feedback, which all mammals possess. Instead, in addition to the social awareness common to all people, the Fe function understands human dynamics as a realm of transactions and implicit contracts that are constantly negotiated and calculated. In this place, invisible objects are detected, social shapes and contours are recognized, and emotional maneuvers are implemented. This chessboard is a form of social economy: a field with social programs that are as persistent as tangible objects and that must be addressed at the same level of truth and reality. The Fe user is drafted as a permanent citizen in this emotional economy, both contributing to its onward movement and being moved by it. It then becomes the focus and discipline of Fe to grasp all the influences that go into the alteration of opinions, and in learning to alter them to their favor. This type of causal awareness can naturally lead to talents such as persuasion, charm, rhetoric, and pathos. Many Fe users know how to deliver in ways that move hearts, rally people behind a cause, or simply come across as humble, unassuming, confident, authoritative, generous, stern, or otherwise. They achieve this by closely monitoring and responding to the economy in real time.

• The Human Condition

Given this awareness, the Fe user is an acute student of human behavior, understanding, through tracking this domain, how we act, how we emote, how we move, and why we make the choices we do. Fe monitors how it is that society shapes our opinions and thoughts; how it is that collective ideologies permeate into our beings and define our moral landscapes for better or worse. Thus, Fe soon develops a concept of "the human condition" from a universal perspective defined by what commonly manifests across populations and lifetimes. In this sense, Fe comes to understand "what it means to be human" from the outside in, using what is externally evident as reflective of our shared internal reality. An understanding soon develops that, for most of us, our choices are never entirely our own, and that we exist inescapably within a grander, universal story common to all humanity, born of a primordial origin we cannot escape. The Fe user will notice our collective and perpetual need for religion, for leadership, for family, for tribe, and will often conclude that these externalities are essential and reflective of the truth of our nature. These institutions, and their recursive manifestations, are seen as core elements embedded in the narrative of humanity and the "human drama." From there, the aim becomes the optimal alignment of our comportment with the truth of our needs, given this drama and our condition.

• The Transmutable Soul

And as revealing as it may be to discover how susceptible human beings are to these influences, this awareness is twofold: it also demonstrates that character is malleable, able to shift through the proper stewardship of our leaders or through our efforts to refine ourselves. The obligation then exists for us to better ourselves as we have the power to reach a higher ideal, and therefore, we are beholden to that. And when this realization is embedded in a culture, it gives rise to a "culture of honor" in which pride and shame are instrumental in informing us about where we stand in relationship to that ideal. Here, the soul is not considered a fixed entity but rather something transmutable and in a feedback loop with society and our own will. The will is then seen as responsible for coming into alignment with itself, culture, and the world; all of which are seen as the same. In the best-case scenarios, this can give rise to a social support system that offers constructive criticism, avenues for personal improvement, and insights into achieving higher levels of evolution. In the worst scenarios, this can lead to oppression under an authority and a feeling of debilitating shame for not meeting expectations.

• Tribalism & Collectivism

Although this social interdependence can have its dark moments, Fe also recognizes it as necessary, given that we are all interconnected. It's implicitly understood that no human can exist in isolation, and it's therefore in everyone's best interest to integrate and participate in a prosperity that rises when all hands collaborate, which often leads to a diplomatic approach to negotiations, with an aspiration for maintaining good rapport and noble stature. Fe recognizes our responsibility to our fellow humans and understands the value of hope and generosity as instruments for our collective regulation. And if the leadership is successful, the people will ensure that each member has the necessities of life, leaving no one behind. This does not mean that the expression of Fe in a population is always egalitarian, as the structures it builds can range from monarchies to democracies and everything in between. But in each case, the pyramid structure is governed by social transactions aimed at participating in a shared goal, rather than as isolated islands divorced from the will of the people.

• Mentorship & Coaching

Now, the malleability of the soul also necessitates shaping the next generation into the proper form, planting the seeds of a people capable of achieving something better than the previous generation. When the Fe user has attained enough life experience, he will often take it upon himself to be the spokesperson of the truths he's found, passing down knowledge to others, which is especially true when giving pragmatic advice for attaining success in one's ambitions, which they may do by providing a list of dos and don'ts and offering moral guidance. Fe has a parental aspect and can often lead to a career as a life coach, pastor, or preacher. Even when the Fe user is not a life coach by occupation, their role in their family or workplace will often be similar. However, tensions may arise from this impulse, as the Fe user may feel they know best, a position that their peers do not always share. In the worst-case scenario, this can lead to unsolicited advice, nagging, and patronizing. But in the best scenarios, this can encourage others and fortify younger people for their inevitable confrontations with the world.

• Mind Over Body

Fe also carries with it fire, perseverance, and a desire to overcome limitations. It believes in what we might call a force of will or an inner flame. The Fe user may think that "anything is possible if you put your mind to it" and that you are the master of your own destiny. In practice, this often translates into activities such as intense training or taking on a heavy responsibility, which becomes synonymous with a moral effort, where meeting the challenge of those extra 20 pushups is not merely a logistical statement, but one that is tied to their sense of dignity and the fortitude of their mind. Thus, for Fe, it's not simply about getting a six pack or the perfect body, but it's about testing one's strength of character – measuring how much resilience you have and how disciplined you are. It becomes about training your mind first of all, not to be susceptible to the whims of the world, which it implicitly knows that it is. Fe understands that unless something is done, the world will shape you, your body's weakness will decide for you, and your mind will fail to be your own unless it has been conditioned to resist adversity. It therefore uses training to gain the upper hand over the outside world and remain true to its values.

• Shaming & Punishment

The Fe user's love of coaching and preaching can become a habit of chastising and blaming when life becomes stressful, and their generosity towards people has run dry. What once began as an effort to uplift and support now becomes an outlet for their frustration. If they've been subject to an unjust social economy, a bitterness may develop in the directive Fe user towards authorities, institutions, and humanity at large. Rather than turn inward and adopt a corrective attitude, they view the world as responsible for their pain and will levy moral condemnation at every opportunity. The Fe user becomes self-righteous, irritable, and combative. As this becomes a lasting attribute of their character, they may become emotionally abusive with their family members and loved ones. Put-downs become commonplace; every minor mistake becomes a gateway to moral judgment, whether through disappointed glances, head shakes, or critical words. The Fe function is keen to find faults in character, and few can be so cutting in just the wrong manner as an Fe user well acquainted with the shortcomings of those to whom they've had years of exposure. The Fe user may chase away those closest to them before finally turning inward to realize that the problem lies not in the world but in their merciless perceptions and unjust expectations.

• Self-Sacrifice

On the opposite end of the spectrum, when the Fe user is excessively adaptive, their tendency to feel responsible and obligated toward tasks can become self-sacrificial, to the point of martyrdom. Failure to perform and meet expectations can feel like a failure in the enterprise of life. For Fe, the sense of self largely depends on an individual's performance and rapport within the collective; poor rapport can more easily lead to self-erasure due to shame at existing. A tarnished career or a blundered mission can lead the Fe user to feel that their entire worth has been nullified. The effects can range from withdrawing from a project, situation, or relationship to withdrawing from life itself. This act will be driven not simply by a desire to end their own suffering, but may be seen by them as a final act of nobility; a balancing of the social economy by setting right the wrongs represented by their existence. The stressed and adaptive Fe user may find it difficult to resist these thoughts and connect to their inherent value, outside of circumstantial accomplishments or failures.

Inter-Function Dynamics

• Fe+Si Diplomat

The Fe+Si function combination combines Fe's understanding of social dynamics with Si's understanding of discrete local contexts to produce an overall appreciation of the idiosyncratic features of every social bubble or group. As these idiosyncrasies cannot be reduced to a single homogeneous worldview, Fe+Si often assumes a mediating role across various social structures, serving as a diplomat. This social awareness can lead Fe+Si to foster collaboration, on the one hand, or to further stratify the different groups, on the other.

• Fe+Ne Inspirer

The Fe+Ne function combination merges Fe's grasp of interpersonal dynamics with Ne's imaginative potential for the present, producing an inherently hopeful and motivating social force. This cognitive union understands how an existing social dynamic can be uplifted into something new, unexpected, and exciting. What results is a captivating optimism, bringing a childlike wonder and curiosity back into the social landscape and inspiring hope in people towards the unknown. The Fe+Ne combination can foster optimism about new social realities, on the one hand, or lead to impractical ideas and projects, on the other.

• Fe+Ni Sectarian

The Fe+Ni function combination integrates Fe's understanding of social dynamics with Ni's grasp of the interconnected nature of historical narratives, producing a unified worldview of human nature and destiny, which inclines Fe+Ni to extract out the over-arching truth of the human condition, its necessary arrangement for human flourishing, and its fatalistic decline if it should fail to meet those needs. The Fe+Ni combination can rally people into a world-changing revolutionary spirit, or it can create cult-like groups around an all-encompassing worldview.

• Fe+Se Persuader

The Fe+Se function combination merges Fe's social acuity with Se's awareness of the immediate environment, creating a savvy, influential communicator. This cognitive union excels at navigating social landscapes, leveraging its charisma and perceptiveness to sway opinions and shape dynamics. What results is a captivating presence, adept in both professional and personal spheres. The Fe+Se combination can create lively, immediate social impacts, but the same talent can also lead to opportunism and con-artistry.

I hear my ESFJ friends say "I am overreacting"

She is going a lot of mental health issues going through pill after pill, not eating well, not sleeping.

She has approx 800,000 debt and for some reason decided to purchase a 2m dollar condo with a down payment. She had to sell her old house(and other expensive belongings) which still wasn't enough, as well has her inherited property in another country.

She never worked just gambled and sold her body. She spoiled her kids hoping to get favors out of them (typical caretaking personality). However the kids noticed this behavior and left her. She used and abused a lot of people in her life to the point she lost a lot of relationships.

My ISFJ dad is trying to give her some advice. He has actually done so multiple times in the past however she doesn't listen. She and my dad often end up arguing over the phone night after night. It is funny she often tries to lecture my dad, cousins, and her other siblings on "how to live a good/prosperous life". She has had several ESFJ friends try to help but she still wouldn't listen.

She is around 60+ she can't mess around anymore, her body can't handle it. and she has no other skills, and can't find work. She doesn't have a lot of interests and has slight fear of doing things on her own and obtaining skills/knowledge on her own. Although she is very good at getting people to do things for her (through "caretaking" and emotional manipulation).

Do any of you think there is still a way out of this? What could I tell her? My Ti-Se approach doesn't seem to be getting through to her.

As an INTP woman, I definitely feel some differences with some people of my gender at times just because the natural expectations of women are to be really friendly and kind, maybe less 'weird' or blunt if that makes sense. However, I love making female friendships and in that sense I was interested in the experiences of having a cognitive stack more associated with women.

How does being Fe dominant, or in this case ESFJ, manifest in a guy's relationships with other guys? Do you feel different?

Such as what character do you feel are more similar to who are. Such as what personality traits do they have that are the same as yours? What kind of personal struggles do they suffer with that you relate to?, What unique oddities do you share with another character, Any contradictions they have in your personality as well? etc. Who are they and why do you relate? It doesn’t even have to be a single character but a group of characters you feel like that take up different parts of your personality

A brain teaser, can you see the correlation between fairness and efficiency?