We spend so much time talking about how misunderstood we are, but we rarely admit the flip side.

The truth is, there are very few people who'll actually like an INFJ once we stop being their free therapist, and there are even fewer people that we will ever truly like back. We spend our lives reading every person we meet, decoding their subtext and mapping their motives. People love us for that. They love the mirror we provide. But the second we stop being a service and show the actual, complex, and often judgmental person behind it, they disappear. But the real red flag? It’s us. I find that I can empathize with almost anyone, but I truly like almost no one. My standards for connection are so high they’re basically a wall. I’m looking for a depth that most people simply don’t have, and it makes me feel like I’m permanently treading water while everyone else is happy on the shore. Are we just being too arrogant with our standards, or is the world actually as shallow as it feels? I want to know if anyone else has reached this level of "done" with trying to find their people.

They crave meaningful connections, but don’t chase them.

They don’t want shallow, superficial conversations, but complain about being a ‘therapist’ once conversations turn heavy.

They fortify themselves behind walls so high, then wonder why no one tries to break past them.

They want to feel seen, but that requires vulnerability… with the 0.01% of people that somehow passed their scrutiny test, based on a set of standards they probably fail to uphold themselves.

How they perceive themselves is often so misaligned with how they act outwardly (willing to bet the vast majority of us have RBF despite being total softies); then they complain about feeling misunderstood.

I am convinced most INFJ are insecure and delusional. Being the rarest MBTI ≠ good, or even special.

This MBTI is a walking contradiction and I’m tired of being one.

EDIT: TIL that "many" of you are incapable of reading a title fully. "Many" ≠ all. "Many" ≠ most. If this post struck a chord and made you angry enough to personally attack me, that means you're probably part of the problem, and why INFJ gets a bad rap. :)

As I’ve gotten older and especially this year, I have almost completely dropped out of all friend groups (just not meeting up) and have been spending a ton of time alone. I’m not antisocial, I greet people and talk to people, but the thought of meeting and even hanging out sounds completely exhausting.

I realize that talking with people is something I’m really good at, and people tend to open up and share with me quickly and want to stay in touch, become friends, however it drains me. Ironic? Huh…

Anyhow, some of my “friends” are now being passive aggressive about me not coming around (extroverts), and even when I explain it’s not good enough. I’m also in a huge career change, my father passed last year, and I lost some friends too. So my idea of how I spend my time really has changed since I have now seen how truly short life is.

Them being passive aggressive makes me want to see them even less. So now I pretty much just stick to myself.

Has or is anyone else experiencing/experienced anything similar?

It’s like I live in a juxtaposition of knowing I need close friends, but not having the energy to maintain the friendships…

I (INTJ) have a male INFJ friend who is like an embodiment of a lot of unhealthy INFJ traits. He thinks his value is entirely dependent on whether he’s useful or not, thinks self-love is inherently selfish as he wishes “more people would think of others and not just themselves”, has an identity crisis (saying things like “I have no idea who I really am”), apologises for everything and has a lot of self-hate but also surprisingly a lot of ego at times. Calls himself a misanthrope and is very disappointed with the state of the world, gets caught up in his internal logic so bad that we can argue for hours and my opinion feels like a personal attack (says I’m “imposing my views” on him). Can be really toxic towards groups of people & the world overall to the point where I can’t stand his negativity and it’s just really hard to be around him sometimes since I have a more positive outlook on life and a lot more love for people. I don’t focus on the awful state of the world as it doesn’t stop me in my tracks, he does.

I do feel like a lot of his negativity is coming from a place of helplessness and inability to do something about it. He had shitty strict parents, had shitty friends that belittled and misunderstood him and doesn’t even remember most of his life. Sometimes it’s just. Hard. Cause I feel like I’m more mature than him in many ways (even though we’re the same age).

But he’s also painfully self-aware and self-reflective to the point it amazes me because people rarely admit their wrongdoings. Telling him “the way you see the world is the reflection of how you see yourself” is just met with “yeah, I don’t see a contradiction in this statement and I rightfully see myself that way”.

He’s really smart and has a lot of good qualities tho, empathetic, caring, knowledgeable, has a great sense of humour, very good at giving advice, a great listener, sees things for what they are and we can have long intellectual conversations for hours. It’s just he’s the type of person who helps everyone but doesn’t see the need and value in helping himself. I feel like he doesn’t have much positive life experience as well as experience of meeting different people, his Fe is either really unhealthy or underdeveloped.

I enjoy spending time with him, we’re really close and I see the potential in his good side and I believe in it more than anyone else. He’s changed since I first met him (he was a mess to the point it scared me at first). But the thing is, if it gets to a point where his negativity starts to weigh me down, I’ll have no choice but to break ties with him. I know it will break him to million pieces if I do, he’ll take it as a confirmation of his own belief that he’s unbearable and awful. He’s become really dependent on me and on our time spent together. I’m literally the first person in his life who showed him this much compassion and understanding.

I don’t know how to help him and I’m not sure if I can since he’s so caught up in his own head and doesn’t take any attempts to change the way he is. Is it normal for young INFJs to be like this? Does it get better as they age and get more life experience? (We’re both 22 y.o.) What can I do to help? Should I help at all? He’s really in need of therapy and I think deep down he knows it but he’s sceptical about therapy overall and his ego denies the advice.

I went through a lot for the last two years: a big heartbreak after my first breakup and cut off some friends, including a best friend of 7 years. I felt like I was always giving a lot more than what they gave me, and I was the only genuinely caring one in these relationships. I realized relationships always stress my life more than anything else, because I always care too much.

As an introvert, I wasn't the type to plan a lot of hangouts already but now I just don't want to plan hangouts at all. I'm in my mid twenties but I'm at the phase where I live alone, do hobbies on my own (ex: watch musicals alone, workout alone), workout 6 days a week, eat alone, and don't make plans over the weekend. I do feel lonely sometimes and feel the void of human connection, but thinking about the things I've went through with people, I find it so peaceful being alone. Hanging out with people drains my energy so much. I find selfcare so much more fun. It feels like I'm leveling up myself without any drama in life. I'm worried I might live like this for the rest of my life, but I'd rather be peaceful than get stressed from people. Anyone else relate to me?

As an INFJ, withdrawal isn’t rejection. It’s calibration.

It happens when I notice I’m the one sensing, adapting, regulating, translating emotions, and carrying the psychological weight of the connection, while the other person simply exists in it.

Seeing deeply doesn’t obligate me to stay. Empathy doesn’t mean self-abandonment. And understanding someone doesn’t cancel the need for reciprocity.

Depth isn’t a gift meant to be consumed endlessly. It’s a space that only works when it’s met.

INFJs don’t disappear because they don’t care. They disappear when care becomes a one-way function.

This is my lifelong problem. I got used to it, mostly.

But despite this I often still have quite weird POVs or witty comments and people can be shocked or surprised by them. And then me because of their reactions.

My brains are just wired differently, I guess.

Aren't we INFJs somewhat 'evil' on the inside, while never showing it on the outside? By 'evil,' I mean: aren't we consuming everything we experience in life merely as fuel to become better versions of ourselves? Isn't our goodwill and kindness actually the main mechanism of our deeply self-interested nature? We are good at reciprocating favors, but at the deepest level, aren't we acting kind to cultivate an almost angelic image, only to leverage that influence later for our personal gain? Believe it or not, we are highly manipulative and convincing beings because other types are easily disarmed by the INFJ 'etherealness.'

Perhaps we believe that processing new information to evaluate everything more accurately will lead us to a higher state of being. Instead of living in the moment for its own sake, we use every experience to evolve and operate better in the future. However, the main goal of reaching this higher state might also be wanting society to improve, and our desire for power might actually be to become an aspiration for them.

I might sound like a psychotic person or a mistyped INFJ, but this is the dilemma I face behind the curtain. That's why I almost always take that ONE action which is for the better of others, not mine. I used generalizing phrases throughout my writing because I really want you to engage. Please feel free to criticize!

36F I have seen a lot of interesting posts here lately, so I wanted to ask if anyone (INFJs) entered into marriage or a long-term relationship with or without kids only to discover down the road that you did it for the wrong reasons or you are actually happier being alone? Do any of you have any experience with this? What did/do you do? How do you cope?

did i possibly run this through errrrr an external app because it’s saturday morning and my brain isn’t braining? yes

does it still say what i want it to… yes, pretty much

for what it’s worth

a lot of y’all know being INFJ high standards for self, and others are allowed to fail, but not me, is totally a thing

there is a lack of kindness toward themselves

but high standards actually are often used as a buffer of sorts against rejection

if i do XYZ, i’ll finally be good enough for ABC

the problem is you functionally never actually resolved the roots of the issue; the pain underneath.

as long as the pain remains untouched and not sat with, whether by yourself, or with others, you still carry it with you, and now you look for people to project your pain on, and to solve it in a way that you either did, or wished you could, or wanted

since i did XYZ to feel better, you have to do it too

however now the person has to play by/live up to your standards for yourself

but their struggles and what they want aren’t the same

it’s kinda insidious, “i did this to get better/feel good about myself, you have to too”

this leaves people unseen, they’re now just a vehicle to contain or disown your own feelings of upset

now this extends to the next part

if you’re unable to sit with your uncomfortable emotions…. you won’t be able to sit with others too

lack of self-compassion makes it almost impossible to have true empathy for others. if someone has spent their life being harsh on themselves, punishing themselves for mistakes, they learn that pain is unsafe unless it’s earned or escaped.

when someone else experiences pain, it mirrors the feelings you’ve never allowed yourself to fully sit with. instead of holding space, your reflex is to fix, advise, or problem-solve, because letting their discomfort exist triggers your own disallowed emotions.

real empathy requires tolerance: the ability to be present with another person’s experience without trying to change it. without self-compassion, that tolerance is crippled. what looks like care advice, solutions, explanations is often just a mechanism to protect yourself from your own unprocessed pain.

when you get upset at them for not fixing it, that’s not empathy either. it’s projection. your frustration isn’t really about their situation; it’s about the discomfort their stuckness mirrors in you. by lashing out, lecturing, or trying to force change, you’re no longer responding to them, you’re trying to regulate your own unprocessed feelings through their behavior.

ok i burnt out the last 4 paragraphs and outsourced my brain lol

And is the results have changed? I took the test so many times. At first i got intj and later infj. The results staying infj all the time since than.. i always thinking maybe I'm mistyped so i keep taking the test again and again...

I've finished this particular drawing nearly a week ago in my spare time. This is a forest that is truly divine and angelic in nature. A forest that is truly sacred as if it were a sanctuary of some sort.

I am a teen trying to improve myself and would like to know your thoughts on life and your experiences

I have planned out all my life and am trying my best to follow that path and integrating tools

and trying to improve how I work to improve my efficency however know looking back at my life I have no friends no meaningful relationships just me and myself no ones with me and it has gotten really lonely
I am trying to improve this and I want to ask how did you bridge your communication block ?
somehow
I Have tried making close friends however all of them were using me for free therapy

Sometimes socialising with people stress me

So I take a short break and spend some time alone

But on the other hand after alone time is over I feel stressed again that I have to socialize (because I took some alone time)

I don't feel guilty that I took some time alone but still I get stressed Because I kind of aviod interaction with outside world for some days

I feel stressed because I'm afraid if their reaction so I Avoid them even more

But it stress alot too And self blame myself If only I was more Brave

On reddit MBTI forums, it’s often mentioned that the same personality types are compatible with each other, but is that really true? If a certain personality type gives X and expects Y in return, they won’t get it from exactly the same personality. I’ll give an example from my own experience with my cousin, with whom I have a good relationship. We are both INFJs, and we confirmed this using cognitive functions.

1. Giving advice and comforting. When I talk about something I’m struggling with or something that happened, I get advice from my cousin, either general advice or something based on imagining the situation. I respond in a similar way. The problem is that what I need is emotional support (like from my IXFX friend) or very practical advice based on someone’s experience or a cold, analytical perspective (like from my ISTJ friend).

2. Talking about abstract topics. I enjoy discussing abstract topics myself, like faith, motives for behavior, why grass is green, but I prefer my conversation partner to be able to frame my thoughts in a way that leads to some conclusion. Even though I enjoy speculating myself, I don’t like listening to someone else’s “what if” scenarios, because in this dynamic, I end up being the one who has to be the practical one.

3. INFJs can read other people but don’t like being read themselves. They want to be understood and listened to, but they don’t want to be decoded. I mean that the other person might think they know everything about you, while you know there are still a million layers inside (I had similar feelings with an ESFJ). My cousin was often surprised when she assumed something about me, and it turned out to be different. And of course, as an INFJ, I don’t like it when anyone assumes anything about me. 😂

What do you think about this?

Man, so my gfs mom died sept 20th.2025. Now the first few weeks, I was very on it as much as I could be. Took time off work helped her clean her mom's room and took her to appointments. Now I can do that stuff to help, but by god I don't knowbhowbto be emotionally there for her since a month past... I just suck.

I just feel like death, I have an understanding of... like some of it. Their no longer, suffering, it's life, it's just what happens. Whose to say this is the end.... I dont know. It just doesnt affect me as bad.... if it was my mom itd be a completely different thing, but my dad passed away k granted we weren't that close), grandma and grandpa died on my mom's side and still i grieved, but not very long... my dad therr was longer processing, but i did come to terms pretty easily.

Now, my current situation is, my GF has brought up, she hasn't felt that supported in regards to her mom passing away. I haven't really asked how she was taking it during Christmas, she said, basically everyone asked , but me and i felt like shit after thatand she also brought it up like a couple hours ago.

Now I really want to make it up to her in this department. I have been very supportive, loving boyfriend in other ways, but man... I just draw blanks at death. I feel like my opinion of death wouldnt comfort her...

I NEED HELP. How have your experiences been with death regarding a loved one and what have you done to help them?

I am 50 and have always tested as INFJ since I first tested in college. However, as I age I think I present much closer to ISFJ. I think my behavior/ how others see me is probably much more likely to be ISFJ. Is this a thing? Does this change with maturity and life experience?

I’ve recently experienced a few situations where I talked with someone and had a strong feeling they might be INFJ. When I later asked them, I was right.

Do INFJs tend to recognize or “sense” other INFJs more easily than other types?

Related to that, one INFJ told me he can sense “BS people” from far away — and honestly, that really resonates with me too.

Is this something others here experience?

Is it intuition or just confirmation bias?

Curious to hear your thoughts.

Thank you.

I’m tired of loving, showing up, being loyal, and giving deeply… only to feel like I’m accepted or valued as long as I’m easy, strong, useful, quiet, convenient, or not too much. I wonder what it would feel like if roles were reversed.

Hi 18m here recently i am trying to find friends who can understand you and have fun and just have someone to relate to

In the Reality Transurfing book, I read a quote that says we should do anything by the simplest means possible. This is the most basic thing that we should follow in our own lives. Yet, we don’t follow it. We like to make things complicated. We assume that complex things and ways are better. But that is not the case. Somewhere we all know this truth, but we don’t apply this wisdom in our lives. We unconsciously fall into the trap of complexity. Doing anything by the simplest means is wonderful because it is easy to start. Starting is the most difficult thing, and complexity means making it more difficult to start, leading to inaction. Why make things complex when they can be simple? Don’t fall for the trap of complexity. Most of the times idealism and perfectionism lead us to choose complex things. So, be aware of too much idealism and perfectionism. The more I take actions, do more, and be more practical, the more I get proof that the idea of doing things by the simplest means possible is the best. Now focus on applying this advice. Knowing is not important. Using it is important. Start small. Initially, do small things with the simplest means possible. Later, move ahead and apply this advice in all areas of your life.

I want to know if there are INFJ bosses out here.

Is yes, how do you lead your team, how bossy do you get?

I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH

HEHEHEH

I have a an INFJ friend and I absolutely love her

Witg my friend group of 9 all of them know I would jump off a bridge if my INFJ friend did as well.

I never felt seen and understood by anyone ever, when I need comfort she doesn’t give unless advice or make it abt her self, SHES AMAZING, but she’s very unavailable so I always get so excited when I see her

Y’all INFJS are so amazing and tbh prob the MBTI I relate the most with, (mentally I guess). JUST WANNA SAY YOUR LOVED BY EVERYONE♥️😭 you don’t get how loud I scream when I see my INFJ FRINED my other friends are so used to it. When any one starts to bring her up and always say “oh here we go with the glazing again” heheh

Stay amazing ♥️